Relationship?: Clash between conscious and unconscious desires

[Ceros]

I've run into a bit of a problem with my emotions.

I, as a person, have no desire to enter a relationship.

I have my ambitions and I am pursing them. It's not even a "career first, relationships later" kind of thing - there is no place for a relationship in my life to begin with. And while I know full well that I will marry later on in my life - I intend it to be a text book example of a marriage for convenience.

And I'm fine with this set up. While it may seem cold and "unfulfilled" to some people, this is the kind of thing that gets me going and brings me a sense of fulfillment.

However, I find that more and more I keep unconsciously drifting to thoughts of a relationship. Like, whenever I do some activity I think something like "I wonder what it would be like to do this with a girlfriend?" or when I buy something I think "I wonder what would my girlfriend think of these clothes?"

Any thoughts? Do these thoughts come from a hardwired desire of me as a human to procreate, or am I fooling myself into thinking that I don't need a relationship while in reality I'm suppressing a part of me?

Can I confront this side of me and get rid of these unintended desires, or is the only way to move forward is to indulge them and see what happens? (My common sense says nothing good will happen if I try).

Ideally I would love to stop manifesting these kind of distracting thoughts and move on with my goals, but self delusion is a horrible thing and I would rather waste a few hours a week on developing a relationship with no future than lie to myself that I am someone I am not.

Would love to hear some comments or advice on this.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Sounds like you are lonely. Lonely for love, companionship and affection. If you have no time for a relationship because of everything else it's great that you have decided not to be in one. Relationships need time and some people who are extremely busy try to force them and end up with two bitter people.

I suggest getting a dog or cat and going out to meet women.

[Lauxa]

Why don't you want a relationship? It sounds like you think a relationship would inhibit you from fulfilling your other ambitions. What if you could find a relationship that would support you towards fulfilling these ambitions? For instance, if you are very driven and business focused and she is good at running the household and establishing relationships with people.

How do you know you will get married later? What is your vision of a marriage for convenience? Are children involved?

I think that men who pursue their goals first and expect to find a relationship later sometimes have a hard time finding someone when the time comes. They find that their lack of experience in dating is an even bigger obstacle the older they get. This is just based on the experience of some friends, and I'm sure there are exceptions.

[Jarrod]

Try this:

Sit down as for meditation, relax, do a mantra or whatever to get you focused.

Now pick a particular thought or emotion that you have seen during the day. You don't have to think the thought, just put your attention on the feeling of the thought that you noticed during the day.

Now just let your attention gently look at it, don't think.

What I find happens is that other thoughts and emotions begin to occur. They are of two types.

1) Other events in my life where the 'same' thought has occurred.
2) Other thoughts and emotions(might appear in my chest or other areas of my body) that are either a deeper cause for the original thought or related.

I find after a bit I will see a whole chain of thoughts/emotions leading somewhere. With this I see the underlying cause/reason of many of my thoughts/emotions/events.

Whenever you see something, just look gently at the feeling of it. Don't try to analyse it with your mind. Let your awareness slowly understand of its own accord.



Something for you to try anyway