And I believe I'm useless

[Rose of Cairo]

Caren's thread I Believe I'm Worthless made me realize that I have the limiting belief "I'm useless". Thank you so much for that, Caren. Immediately the very next day, I was given a great opportunity to feel how much this charming belief affects my life.

K said that creating harmony is not my purpose, like I thought it was. He said I do create harmony alone because of how I am naturally, but that it's something that I do "along the way" and not my true purpose. This hit me like a slap in the face I guess because I was subconsciously having doubts about my purpose. I felt desperate when he said that, because I thought "he's right! If it was my true purpose, I would be so sure about it that I'd have no doubts. And if I had no doubts about it, what he's saying wouldn't hurt like that."

He also said that instead of doing hundreds of things that don't really suit me just to contribute, I should do just nothing for a while and focus on finding out the one thing that I am really meant to do, for which I have the unique talents. He said every time I spend some energy doing something that's not really "that", it's like a little curtain falling, cutting me from my true mission. And that he will go work and earn money for both of us so that I can concentrate on finding out what my mission is.

I have doubts about my current strategy. I thought since I don't know what I should do, let's just do the next right thing I can do. So I learn this and that, plan on building websites I'm not really enthusiastic about, practice things I know I'm not really meant to do, start lots of projects and don't finish them because I know that deep down it's not really "that"... I don't know if this is the right way to go, so what he said really did hurt.

However, I don't believe in doing nothing till I know either, because honestly I have doubts about actually having this one unique mission. He meant it as a compliment, he says I'm up to something greater than the little things I'm working on now. But this makes me so ANGRY! I've always been the kind of highly intelligent multi-talented super student, I've always been told that I'm wasting my potential and up to something greater - and what did it bring me?? Nothing. I've never known wtf to do with my life. I could do anything, and nothing does have a deeper sense for me, so why do it? I'm a scanner. There's nothing I feel is "the one thing" for me. I feel talented and yet completely useless!

I'm feeling so useless! I was so frustrated yesterday that I cried my eyes out and ate a mountain of cooked foods. I even had thoughts like "I'll never find out what my purpose is. I'm completely useless. I'll never do anything useful here on earth. I should kill myself. I'd rather jump from a highway bridge than to live a life that doesn't make any difference for the world."

Right now I'm using Angela's method to get rid of this "I'm useless" belief. Maybe it'll get better after that?

Sorry for venting.

[Jamie]

I feel useless too; and utterly unimportant with it ...

... and that is just soooooo FANTASTIC!!

*wwwwooooooooooooooo* baby!

It's like, when you get rid of usefulness, and importance, all that's left, is, life and love ... and how wonderful is that?

As for purpose, is it something we can ever know? Or is it whatever it is we're doing, right here, right now?

I dunno if that helps Rose? (I am in party mode today).

Jamie. x

[Rose of Cairo]

Oh yes that helps, thank you very much Jamie You had me laughing out loud now, it's so wonderful to see you that light and happy, it makes me happy too

You also opened my eyes about something. If being useless is so bad, that's obviously because I want to be useful. Why do I want to be useful in the first place?

And why am I taking myself so seriously?



Kiss for you.

[Holistic Star]

Hi Rose,

Just wanted to say I could have written your post! Like you I acquired a belief that 'I am useless.' Like you I am a scanner, good a a multitude of things but nothing really fits. Like you people tell me I am wasting my potential.

The tears I have cried over this flippin purpose thing have wrung me out.

How I used to envy the girls at my school who just knew they wanted to be a doctor or an architecht or a housewife. If only I had that clear ambition!

Some things that have helped me. One is that my coach said to me that possibly what I end up doing hasn't been invented yet. It's up to me to create that new idea by synthesising all the things I have learned into one new unique approach. That appeals to me and allows me to keep learning. I'm going to be a pioneer! (Even Einstein had a day job as a clerk).

Also I have just recently taken the laid back approach. What happens, happens. I've stopped forcing it. Yes I don't feel like I am 'progressing' but things are happening. After a year of qualififying in a particular therapy training but not actually practising, four people I know want me to run a course for them and have offered more than I was going to charge as 'mates-rates'. Is it my purpose? Probably not. Will I learn something that helps me on my way. Oh yes.

I'm going to look at Angela's method for clearning beliefs. Do you have a link?

Also I'm working on a lot of emotional clearing at the moment. A friend has just done John Demartini's breakthrough weekend. Expensive (£1000) but she says it was worth every penny. worth looking into if you can find the money. She's helping me work through the emotional baggage I've picked up along the way.

Just wanted to say to you, you are not alone. Besides which it isn't anyone's business what your purpose is but your own.

speak soon

xxx

[Jamie]

Have you heard of the uncarved block? It's a principle in Taoism; Benjamin Hoff explains it wonderfully in The Tao of Pooh..

(well, this is from a site about Winnie the Pooh, talking about Benjamin Hoffs wonderful book)

One of the basic principles of Taoism is P'U, the Uncarved Block. The essence of the Uncarved Block is that things in their original simplicity contain their own natural power, power that is easily spoiled and lost when that simplicity is changed. This principle applies not only to things, but to people as well. Or Bears. Which brings us to Pooh, the very Epitome of the Uncarved Block. When you discard arrogance, complexity, and a few, other things that get in the way, sooner or later you will discover that simple, childlike, and mysterious secret known to those of the Uncarved Block: Life is Fun. Along with that comes the ability to do things spontaneously and have them work, odd as that may appear to others at times. As Piglet put it in 'Winnie-the-Pooh', "Pooh hasn't much Brain, but he never comes to any harm. He does silly things and they turn out right."

Source - The Tao of Pooh | Winnie the Pooh

Also, there's something in Taoism, about this really old, knarled, useless tree; it's useless beacause the carpenter can't make anything out of it, there's no straight lines etc; so it just gets left..

But that means it doesn't get cut down; it's left in it's original state. Also, it's good for providing shade on a hot sunny day..

[Rose of Cairo]

Just a few words, I have to go:

Jamie, providing shade on a hot sunny day sounds great and all, but in this concrete life it means picking a random job in order to live, doing things that I find meaningless and looking forward to the next vacation. I say: NOOOOOOO!!! Where's the point??

Also, I've always, since I'm a little child, been convinced that I am here to do something. Not necessarily something great or very special, but something that is my personal mission on earth. I've spent my life so far trying to figure it out.

Once I've found out what my purpose is, as a true scanner I'd probably still have a helluvah hard time choosing one medium to express it. But at least I'd know what I am here for. It would make it easier for me to decide how to invest my energy.

Gotta go, Holistic Star, I'll reply to your post when I come back

[lasti]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Jamie, providing shade on a hot sunny day sounds great and all, but in this concrete life it means picking a random job in order to live, doing things that I find meaningless and looking forward to the next vacation. I say: NOOOOOOO!!! Where's the point??

Yeah! That's it! I'm glad to hear that there's someone else who understands this.

[Jamie]

Rose, Guys, the thing about the uncarved block; or the useless tree; what it means, or how I see it ..

Well, it doesn't mean to be a useless bum, sit around and do nothing all day, and to be happy with that. It's more like, not striving too far for things, so that you've gone behond the bounds of your innate nature. It's more like, what you do in life, comes out of, or is dictated by you following, your own innate nature. The thing we struggle with, I think, is that our mind wants to know, it wants to concopt something, anything, that we can then go off and do; so, just that is coming from a place of ego, instead, of it being more in line with what your own heart and your higher self wants for you.

Sometimes, you just can't rush it; and the more you rush, the slower you go; in contrast; relaxing, letting go, having faith in your own nature and the nature of the universe; good things can come out of that.

I'm relating this to my own life; I've had times of panic myself, and my mind takes over, and wants to know there and then, exactly what to do, it want's a quick solution, because it panics; and maybe, that's just the time we need to relax, be still, and feel within for a direction?

I dunno how applicable any of that is to you though Rose ...

I guess, to be still, connect with yourself, and get a feeling for your purpose (life purpose, or just your purpose in this moment), arising from that stillness.

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Jamie, providing shade on a hot sunny day sounds great and all, but in this concrete life it means picking a random job in order to live, doing things that I find meaningless and looking forward to the next vacation. I say: NOOOOOOO!!! Where's the point??

To, me providing shade on a hot sunny day means just BEing who you are! The tree just is, it's not concerned about whether or not it's providing shade, or meant to provide shade, or meant to be carved into a boat. It just IS in all it's tree-ness.

I know that one purpose you have to is to be completely 100% you. There is no other Rose on Earth with your same name, born the same time, with the same experiences and life history (and past life history!)... WHO YOU ARE is amazing, beautiful, and true - even WITH the cooked food and self-doubt and frustration. Can you feel that? You are meant to be you. And if that means going about randomly sampling things 'til something sets you on fire, that's what it means. OR, if it means just BEing until inside, you see your path... oh, wait. THAT'S NOT YOU. LOL (wish we had a happily laughing icon!) To sit still would drive you nuts! Your form of meditation is definitely more active, more about being in the moment AS YOU ACT. That's what gets your engine running! Methinks K wants to be still 'til he finds his purpose, or that's what worked for him, so he thinks it should work for you! But -- you're you! And as wondrous as you are, we really only need the one of you! And one of K!

For some reason, Christine Kane's site just flashed in my mind. Have you read her stuff? It might resonate with you. This post in particular is what came to mind. That's one of her first ones - she has gems all through her site.

I love you!

[carenkh]

Ooh - I just came across something else, too! From Marie Forleo's blog (author of Make Every Man Want You):

An Unexpected Reality Check

You rock!!!

[Angela]

Rose, I think it's great and bold of you to have seen this for yourself, this thought, "I am useless" that you've been carrying around and believing as if it were The Truth.

A few thoughts on what you've said. Being Harmony may or may not be your purpose in life, but what it certainly is is an inspiring possibility, a way of being that when you generate it, it inspires you (or has, at at any rate), and assists you in letting go of old pain -- old habitual negative thought patterns. Inspiring possibility and life purpose are not necessarily the same thing. You can generate as many inspiring possibilities as you want to -- there is no limit! I do my process often and have generated hundreds of inspiring possibilities for myself. It's not about being flaky or indecisive; it's about being who you want to be in each moment, and recognizing when your old pain is running you so that you can be free to choose something that works better, if you want to.

About life purpose: it's an elective. You choose your life purpose. It's not like it's something that exists and is discovered objectively, like a diamond in a long-lost mine that is waiting for you to find it. Plus, you don't have to choose a life purpose; most people never do. It's a choice. No one can tell you what your life purpose is or isn't; if someone tries, it would be worthwhile for him to take a bold look at why he's doing it. I imagine K is trying to be supportive and loving, but underneath that, it sounds like he is being attached to something, and withholding freedom from himself -- and projecting that constriction onto you, because you are his partner, so he can see it outside the bones of his own head. It's a great learning process. You might want to gently and lovingly ask him to consider that he might benefit from looking boldly at who his advice is truly aimed at.

You are drawn to lots of different things because you are an interesting and interested person, Rose. You are a grand student of life, and there's no need for you to specialize if you're not inspired to. Part of your purpose in life might be to learn as much and as many different things as you can -- that would certainly inspire me! It's so moving that you are so utterly committed to making a difference in the world for others, and I believe that your insatiable thirst for knowledge and varied experience is one of the ways you build your foundation for doing so. It's possible to make a difference in the world from a stand of stillness (or even ignorance or inexperience), but it looks to me like part of how you make a difference in the world is simply by being the incredibly inspiring Life Warrior that I see in front of me. You battle to remove limitations on yourself, and by doing that, you fight for the world. That makes a huge difference for all of us!

The fact that what K said makes you angry is wonderful. You know that is access to something deep and powerful for yourself. I know you will look for ways of expressing that anger, like talking to us here, rather than filling your Temple with foods that don't contribute to your well-being and power.

(that reminds me -- Tim Freke, one of the speakers at ICDI in Vegas, said, "my body used to be my temple, but now it's more like a night club." )

Finally, I think that you are absolutely brilliant to be creating these situations for yourself in which people are telling you who you are or who you should be. It looks to me like it's the perfect working-through of your old "duty" pain -- it occurs to me that "making a difference" itself might be occurring for you like a duty, rather than as an inspiration or joy. Is that worth looking at? I also wonder if you are creating all this to unfold for yourself the ability to see the magnificence of you who you are right now -- sometimes I want to shake you and get it through your thick skull what an incredible human being you are, not potentially, but actually. I think you get glimpses of it, but then you deny it. And now may be your time to awaken to the limitless glory of who you are now.

None of this is a compliment to you, Rose. It's a challenge.

[justfiverules]

Rose,
Check out the late Tony De Mello's book, "Awareness".

I've mentioned it a few times on this site and others because it's chock full of funny stories and disarming truths about the "loony tunes of life", told during one of Tony's seminars. (The book is essentially a collection of short talks.)

"I'm an ass, you're an ass" (his words)

[Rose of Cairo]

ok, I'm back.

Holistic Star, thank you very much for your touching post. I can understand you sooo well...

The laid back approach is what I've been doing lately too. Since I don't know what to do, I thought I'd just implement the few ideas I'm having. I don't feel that I'm progressing either. First I do many things at the same time, so the steps are very small, and second I must admit that I'm not really motivated to do any of that, because I can feel that it's not "that". Of course it's interesting, everything I do is interesting, but... I'm like " ... yeah. "

You know Margaret Lobenstine and Barbara Sher's books don't you?

Originally Posted by Holistic Star

I'm going to look at Angela's method for clearning beliefs. Do you have a link?

No, unfortunately her website isn't up yet. She coached me with "I'm trapped" last winter, that's how I learned her method. If you're interested, she's applying it live and publicly to Caren's "I'm worthless" here.

Also I'm working on a lot of emotional clearing at the moment.

Yes, excellent idea. I think I might need that too!

xxx

Much love to you.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Jamie

I guess, to be still, connect with yourself, and get a feeling for your purpose (life purpose, or just your purpose in this moment), arising from that stillness.

That's, basically, exactly what K said I should do. I've never found it out this way till now!

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by carenkh

I know that one purpose you have to is to be completely 100% you.

Yes. Of course, that's the purpose we all have. But just being me won't bring me money to live. And, what is much more important, just being me won't give me a sense of fulfillment. I'd so love to do something that is really, genuinely, deeply interesting. Something that makes sense for me! Something substantial to chew on. Something I believe in.

I need to have a purpose so that I know what to do. Without a purpose, everything's kinda equivalent for me. I find everything fascinating and interesting, and at the same time, I also find everything kinda boring. There need to be more for me in something in order to do it.

To sit still would drive you nuts!

Yes! In fact I believe that's exactly what's happening. I'm used to exercise daily and move a lot. Now with my knee injury, I can barely move and spend my days sitting around. I think it's driving me borderline crazy.

Plus it's not only a physical thing, it's also emotional. I need to feel that I'm doing something. That something is changing, moving, happening. Just being still and waiting for some insight to fall into my lap is awful.

Thank you for the blog posts Inspiring indeed. About the second one: I have no dream burning in my heart! That's the problem. If I had, I wouldn't let K bother me. Grrrr.

Love you.

[dancer]

Rose,

You set your purpose to do something that benefits others, but what benefits you? It is very honourable and nobel to have a purpose that is to the best of everyone else, but what about you? Perhaps, in meeting your own needs will be the key to contributing to humanity. Have you considered this?

I know my own life is richer for having known you.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Angela

Inspiring possibility and life purpose are not necessarily the same thing.

That's true, and I'm realizing that only now! When I worked with you on "I'm trapped" this winter, and you asked me how my life would be without this belief, and we looked at everything I said, everything was boiling down to Harmony. So I decided to make it my purpose. It seemed obvious to me that if everything in my life is about harmony, this must be my purpose, right? Now I realize that no, maybe it isn't. Creating harmony still feels like the most valuable goal ever though. But recently I've felt that I resonate much more with expressing Strength than with expressing Harmony. But Strength definitely is not my purpose. Now I'm curious to see what will come out of the "I'm useless" process (I'm about halfway through it). Maybe all this has nothing to do with my purpose...

About life purpose: it's an elective. You choose your life purpose. It's not like it's something that exists and is discovered objectively, like a diamond in a long-lost mine that is waiting for you to find it.

Hmmmm... What about those saying that you decide about your purpose before being born, or that you'll be crying when you find it out eventually??

Plus, you don't have to choose a life purpose; most people never do.

Oh, but I have to. Like I said above, without a purpose nothing makes sense for me.

I imagine K is trying to be supportive and loving, but underneath that, it sounds like he is being attached to something, and withholding freedom from himself

Hmmm... How so?

He just thinks that with all my talent and pep and energy, "creating harmony" isn't spectacular enough for me. He also thinks that with all my harmless projects I'm distracting myself from the greater things I could be doing and having too little space for the insight to come.

The fact that what K said makes you angry is wonderful. You know that is access to something deep and powerful for yourself.

Oh, yes. I thanked him a lot for that. I'm not upset at him.

I know it's just old pain. What he said reminds me of all these stupid teachers and profs adoring me like a geeeeenius and always telling me how brilliant I was and that I could achieve just anything... and not seeing how extremely bored I was, and how lost I was feeling, not knowing what to do with my life, and not seeing ME as a human being, and not seeing my pain and my struggle with my ****ed up family and all other kids hating me. I'm feeling so angry at him for finding me so great!

it occurs to me that "making a difference" itself might be occurring for you like a duty, rather than as an inspiration or joy. Is that worth looking at?

Yes, that's true. It is also an inspiration and a joy, but also a duty. I think it's my job. After all, that's what I came for. I'm not taking vacations here!

sometimes I want to shake you and get it through your thick skull what an incredible human being you are, not potentially, but actually.

You know, I get very angry when someone tells me how wonderful I am. Of course it makes me feel happy, it flatters my ego, plus I see it as a sign that the person loves me. But deep down, I always feel like shouting back "SO WHAT?? BIG DEAL!!! I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING MEANINGFUL WITH IT! AND I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! BARK BARK BARK!"

Hehe sorry...

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

But recently I've felt that I resonate much more with expressing Strength than with expressing Harmony. But Strength definitely is not my purpose. Now I'm curious to see what will come out of the "I'm useless" process (I'm about halfway through it). Maybe all this has nothing to do with my purpose...

That's great, and I look forward to hearing about what comes up for you.

Hmmmm... What about those saying that you decide about your purpose before being born, or that you'll be crying when you find it out eventually??

Well, some people believe that. Personally, I think it's a bunch of Hogwash Crapola. Maybe you set yourself up with some challenges before being born for the purpose of learning something, but any life lesson has an infinite number of ways of being lived out -- not just one. You can't get it wrong.

Oh, but I have to. Like I said above, without a purpose nothing makes sense for me.

Yes, I get that you are self-compelled to distinguish a life purpose. But did you understand that I was saying it is a choice, and people are not required to declare a life purpose? Most people never do, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It is a choice, and you are making your choice powerfully.

Hmmm... How so?He just thinks that with all my talent and pep and energy, "creating harmony" isn't spectacular enough for me.

Whenever anyone *shoulds* another, or himself for that matter, there is freedom that is being inhibited. The person is arguing with life, and demanding that it be other than what it is. Even when it's an apparently benevolent should ("you should be doing something that will make you happy!" "I should take better care of myself" etc.), shoulds are complaints, not inspired action.

You know, I get very angry when someone tells me how wonderful I am. Of course it makes me feel happy, it flatters my ego, plus I see it as a sign that the person loves me. But deep down, I always feel like shouting back "SO WHAT?? BIG DEAL!!! I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING MEANINGFUL WITH IT! AND I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! BARK BARK BARK!"

Hehe sorry...

Like I said, it wasn't a compliment, it was a challenge. I know you well enough to be wary of how you punish me for recognizing your magnificence. Down, girl, DOWN, girl!!

When you reject my assessment of the difference you make in the world, Rose, it's as if you were throwing a hairbrush at the mirror. You are rejecting the beauty in me that is recognizing your own beauty. The most generous thing you can do is to be gratefully accepting, because by doing that you honor and celebrate Who We Are.