And I believe I'm useless

[munish]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Caren's thread [url="http://www.stevepavlina.com/forums/emotional-mastery/19915-i-believe-i-m-worthless.html"]
I'm feeling so useless! I was so frustrated yesterday that I cried my eyes out and ate a mountain of cooked foods. I even had thoughts like "I'll never find out what my purpose is. I'm completely useless. I'll never do anything useful here on earth. I should kill myself. I'd rather jump from a highway bridge than to live a life that doesn't make any difference for the world."

Right now I'm using Angela's method to get rid of this "I'm useless" belief. Maybe it'll get better after that?

Sorry for venting.

Rose,,

This path of contribution is not an easy path.These kind of feelings are normal in the starting.

So don't take it personally.

Cheer yourself up. Start again!!

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by munish

Rose,,

This path of contribution is not an easy path.These kind of feelings are normal in the starting.

Really?? Oh thank you munish, I just want to hug you now!

Thank you so much all of you for taking the time and talking with me about it.

Originally Posted by Jamie

Ah! That explains it Rose! You need to switch to Salsa! haha

Switch to Salsa? NEVER!!!! But I do want to learn Salsa, additionally to Tango. Wanna teach me Jamie? I'm taking Bellydancing classes at the moment, it's a lot of fun. But nothing touches my heart like Tango. I'd love to find a Tango partner here.

Right now, can you think of anything you'd like to do, or feel in your heart? Is there anything specific? Even just a dream?

Hm.. it's not clear to me what you're asking exactly. Do you mean, as a purpose? Or as a job? Or a feeling? Or what?

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Angela

And I realize that might not be how Wikipedia describes "harmony."

I too realize that maybe I'm using the wrong word. Harmony for me certainly is not about "agreeing", or "being nice", or "everything's fine". But I really don't know how to explain it, as it is a feeling.

There is some distance about harmony, as in "you're you, and I am I". Harmony excludes abusive relationships, manipulation and pressure. I feel harmony when I have an argument with K, because the way we fight is respectful. Each one says how he feels and we solve the conflict together. That's harmonious, even though we don't agree.

I also feel harmony when I communicate with animals. I enjoy learning their own language and communicating with them using this language, and also using telepathy and visualizations. They get our thoughts. Doesn't mean the cat will be purring and agreeing with me. When I was volunteering at the animal shelter, there were very scared or angry cats trying to bite me at first, but I felt harmony when I was able to communicate with them in a respectful way, even when their message was anger.

I feel harmony when I dance tango, because when you dance tango, you completely improvise and never know what the very next step will be. It takes a lot of courage to let go of control, and a lot of sensitivity to feel the other person and their energy. You also have to do something that expresses the music, so that everything fits together. What is created together is a miracle

Creating Harmony is something bold for me, involving love, courage, freedom, strength, integrity, compassion, conscious decisions, and a lot of work too, like overcoming fears or controlling my thoughts in order not to think crap. Because when you have fear inside, or think negative thoughts, you don't radiate harmonious waves.

Harmony is just a particular energy for me. Some people, situations or places radiate harmonious vibes, others don't. I don't know how to explain the difference between harmonious vibes and disharmonious vibes... it's something that I just feel, on a physical level. I want the whole world and all people to radiate harmonious vibes. Doesn't mean we all have to agree with each other.

Uuugh, was that clear?

Edit: Here's something that kinda expresses my view on what harmony is: (it's tango, what a coincidence )
YouTube - narcotango plano secuncia

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Rose, at the moment I really don't have any good contribution to offer you, but I wanted to chime in just to say I love you.

[coLLege kid07]

Follow your heart...I'm sure that won't be too hard because it seems to be very big Good luck.

[uberinquisitive]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Creating Harmony is something bold for me, involving love, courage, freedom, strength, integrity, compassion, conscious decisions, and a lot of work too, like overcoming fears or controlling my thoughts in order not to think crap. Because when you have fear inside, or think negative thoughts, you don't radiate harmonious waves.

You just gave yourself the answer to your dilemma:

Radiate harmonious waves.

By the way, I think you're talking more about "authenticity" than "harmony."

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

You just gave yourself the answer to your dilemma:

Radiate harmonious waves.

You're right uber. After writing on here about what Harmony means for me, I realized how much it means to me. I don't care whether it's or not my purpose, generating Harmony still is the most valuable goal I could possibly have in my eyes.

I also realized that by thinking "I'm useless" and all these other negative thoughts, I had allowed myself to be disharmonious, breaking my commitment to harmony through unconsciousness. It's amazing how unstable I've been, falling off-track just because K said something.

So I've been focusing on just being harmony again, and everything now feels very differently. I'm not desperate anymore, I'm not bored anymore, I feel wonderful and motivated.

Another big insight I had after writing on here is how much I love dancing tango. I hadn't realized that. I mean, I've been madly in love with tango since I discovered it, even though I was very frustrated with it. In Germany I had no partner to practice, no money to take lessons, no car to go to the tango evenings, and nobody there was dancing the style I would love to dance.

I've been reasonable. I don't want to become a tango teacher anyway, so I thought I'd rather put my energy into something with a future. Separating my career from my hobbies is not my style, and I loved tango too much to make it "just a hobby". Just like I did with K, I thought it wouldn't work out and decided to move on, but was never able to forget about it.

Today I realized how deeply I love it. I don't care about it being just a hobby anymore. I searched for tango dancers here in this new town, initiated contact with them, got an answer and will meet them this week! I'm sooo excited! So happy! I'm dancing in the living room. I intend to meet a partner to dance with me the way I dream of.

I'm back to Tango! Yippeeee!!!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Rose of Cairo]

ok. I completed Angela's method on "I'm useless". After writing five pages of stuff down, it became obvious that it all boiled down to... Freedom.

I realized that without this belief ruling my life, I wouldn't feel the need to prove that I'm not useless. So I wouldn't feel pressured by myself into contributing and helping others and doing only useful things. I'd be free to do so, or not. I'd be free to contribute out of love and joy, not out of duty. I'd be free from guilt, free from this emotional debt!

I also wouldn't be forced to confirm "I'm useless" over and over again. I'd be free to contribute (because that's really what my heart wants), and also to finish the things I begin with. As long as I believe that I'm useless, I cannot make a meaningful contribution consciously, nor can I finish my projects (cuz they would be a valuable contribution, thus I wouldn't be useless anymore). As long as I believe that I'm useless, I also have no chance whatsoever to discover my purpose (cuz if I have a purpose, as in a function, I'm by definition not useless), and I have no chance to fulfill my purpose either (this would be useful for the highest good of all).

In fact I discovered that believing "I'm useless" and simultaneously obsessing over my purpose was pretty funny of me! Hahaha!

In some other post above I wrote something like "I think I'm useless, and that all doors are closed". I found it strange to talk about closed doors, but now I understand it. Believing that I'm useless didn't allow me to do anything useful and at the same time forced me to do only useful things. Urghs, failure garanteed!

Letting go of "I'm useless" allows me to do useful things without having to. This way I'm free to find my purpose, to fulfill it, to contribute, to realize my projects to the end... and at the same time I have no pressure anymore about having to do so, it's not a duty anymore. Isn't that freedom? All doors are open!

ok, so here's the active part of the process:

I hereby commit to breathe out and peacefully let go of "I'm useless" every time I catch myself thinking it. If you all reading this catch me unconsciously being "I'm useless" in some way, please let me know!

I commit to generating Freedom and Harmony for myself, you and everybody else at every moment of my life

Thank you and Amen

[seeker5]

That's wonderful! I'm happy for you.

[munish]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

So I wouldn't feel pressured by myself into contributing and helping others and doing only useful things. I'd be free to do so, or not. I'd be free to contribute out of love and joy, not out of duty. I'd be free from guilt, free from this emotional debt!

In fact I discovered that believing "I'm useless" and simultaneously obsessing over my purpose was pretty funny of me! Hahaha!

Great,you have gone very deep inside yourself .

[dancer]

What a great result post. Angela's process sounds powerful and I am glad you were able to turn your frustration into something so positive, empowering and inspiring.

[Kazeko]

Rose,
First of all, forgive me for being lazy and reading only your initial post (though I've skimmed through the rest). So, I can repeat other people's words unintentionally...

And now it's my turn to be surprised. Is it the post of a very "committed lightworker", strong, powerful and love-generating warrior? Alas, no... It's a post of a scared little girl...

Maybe it's your inner child, who talks and reacts? Or maybe it's time to transcend over some mind-constructed concepts, like "finding your one and only purpose"?

Darling, you're still learning! You try new things constantly. How can you decide already, if it's time to stop learning, and to subscribe to a single path? Yes, it is always possible. But let it go for a while if it limits you, makes you disempowered or just uncomfortable. Let yourself be free! Learn and build skills as long as you need. Should I say, that I have similar "problems", and often question myself in the similar manner?

What helped me is the simple decision:" For now my purpose is to find out what my purpose is". That's all. And now I'm free to learn further. I have so many things to try!

One more thing. It's not always possible to cover your basic needs (i.e. earn money) by living your purpose. And it's perfectly fine to support your purpose separately from your needs. You can find a job just to pay your bills (you still can choose the best for you among available ones) and to support your purpose, which doesn't bring money yet (in my example it is "to find your purpose"). However I beleive that I'll go through transition eventually, and so you will.

So... be patient with yourself....pleeease! You ARE born for some greater things than you do now. But it's just not the time yet. Grow naturally (i.e. slowly), not on steroids Feel the energy of your free spirit. Calm down. Meditate. You'll get the answers.

Enjoy your life!

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Kazeko

And now it's my turn to be surprised. Is it the post of a very "committed lightworker", strong, powerful and love-generating warrior? Alas, no... It's a post of a scared little girl...

Absolutely, you're right. And that's exactly why I worked through this issue, in order to be what I am instead of letting a scared little girl run my life.

Maybe it's your inner child, who talks and reacts?

Yes of course. I decided "I'm useless" some time when I was a little child.

Darling, you're still learning! You try new things constantly. How can you decide already, if it's time to stop learning, and to subscribe to a single path?

I don't see how choosing a path/purpose means that I'd stop learning. On the contrary. There will never be a time to stop learning for me. I'll be learning and constantly trying new things all of my life, and my path and purpose motivates me even more to do so.

You can find a job just to pay your bills

I refuse. I wouldn't be true to myself if I did it.

So... be patient with yourself....pleeease!

Yes Honey Thank you for your post. I'm feeling much more patient now that I've gone through this process. I don't need to know what exactly my purpose is right now anymore. I can get more aligned with it step by step and just trust my intuition in order to take positive decisions. For now I'll just be generating Harmony in the sense I explained above.

You ARE born for some greater things than you do now. But it's just not the time yet.

I don't believe that. I am already expressing who I am and living my purpose (although I don't know what that is intellectually), which is the greatest thing I could do.

Calm down. Meditate. You'll get the answers.

I need no answers anymore And calming down and meditating is not who I am

Enjoy your life too! Much love to you

[Rose of Cairo]

seeker5, munish, dancer: Thank you

Yes, Angela's method is powerful. Although I must say, alone it's different. Angela has a very special presence and energy and skill to ask questions, causing the insights to flow magically out of you when you talk with her on the phone. Alone it felt way more like intellectual and rational analysis. Which is less scary

[Kazeko]

Rose, and you're still arguing Well, that's the way you are... I don't want another Socrates-like intellectual debate right now... so let it be. Anyway, I feel we're talking about the same, just from the different perspectives.

What I wanted to give you by posting here, is some support on your path. I'm glad you're doing fine

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Great! And a big hug to you.

[Jamie]

Still needs to ditch the Tango and go for the Salsa .....

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Jamie

Still needs to ditch the Tango and go for the Salsa .....

Ditch the Tango? Already did that once, and it was a mistake

I have a vision. Today I went to buy a ticket for a tango show on Saturday that I absolutely want to attend. On my way, I felt suddenly compelled to enter a shop I would normally barely have noticed. There I felt drawn to listen to a particular CD. And... when I heard the first song, whammmm, it happened! I had a vision!

I saw myself dancing tango with someone, but in a way... oh, in a way I've never seen anywhere! It was pure Harmony. A perfect symbol for everything I dream of for the world. Now I know exactly what I want: realize this vision. I have all details in mind.

Today was a wonderful day. I spent the afternoon in town, I had a few mundane things to do, like paying bills, go to the post office and buy some greens. It was just amazing how everybody was nice to me! They smiled at me, talked to me and were all so friendly. In the shops and offices the clerks provided some extra service for me I hadn't asked for. Everywhere I encountered big smiles and happy chit-chat. I'm blessed!

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Kazeko

Rose, and you're still arguing

Meeeee, arguing? Not at all! I disagree.

Originally Posted by Kazeko

What I wanted to give you by posting here, is some support on your path.

I can see that, Gene. Even when I don't agree with you It reaches (and touches) me. Thank you. I appreciate it very much. Love you.

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Great! And a big hug to you.

And a big hug back to you wonderful Texas girl!

I love you all so much...

[Mags]

Rose, when I was reading your earlier posts on harmony, the word that kept popping into my brain to describe what you were talking about was "flow"... essentially as in energy flow. The tango is all about flow, even arguments can flow as you described. Flow encompasses other things that you mentioned, like strength and freedom. I think you're a creator of and channel for flow!

Maybe it's just semantics, especially now since you've done some marvellous work on your beliefs and have quite possibly even transcended the need to capture the essence of what you're creating and initiating in the world! But I just thought I'd throw this into the mix anyway