How to "not give a damn"?

[Wilfred]

Hey people,

Quite often it can be advantageous to just really don't care about what other people think of you. For instance, when performing on stage, approaching 'the other gender', or acting in way in public that's not regarded 'normal' behavior, being conscious of the presence of others can severely limit you in what you would actually really like to do. At least that's how it works for me and I'm sure this feeling is pretty universal .

Being a musician (drummer) I have to perform quite often (± twice a month). But even after having had more than 50 gigs, I still experience these feelings of consciousness when all these eyes in the audience stare at me. The result is that I play more or less on auto-pilot, not expressing myself to the fullest.

Every time when a new gig is coming up I'll try to mentally prepare myself, convincing myself that "next time I really, really, really won't give a damn". But every time this 'next time' arrives, I will go back to this safe, conservative, not-100-percent-to-the-fullest style of playing.

Anyway, like I said, this applies to many situations in real life. And I'm sure many of you will have experienced similar feelings, preparing mentally for a certain situation, but when the next opportunity arrives to really be yourself, to truly act, be it telling someone you like her/him, be it standing up for somebody who is being harassed while others are passing by, or (as in my case) doing a wild performance on stage, you flee instead of fight.

Now, I would really be interested to know any this for/solutions to these next-time-I-will-yet-next-time-I-don't circles. I would love to hear your experiences on this!

[seeker5]

Hmmm, that's an interesting question.

I do need to implement this "Not give a damn" in more areas of my life. I have applied it in two areas of my life rather successfully I think, so after reading your post I thought about how I could apply it to more areas.

The two related areas I applied it came in term of giving speeches in Toastmasters and in leadership. To overcome my nervousness in toastmasters, I decided I would stop caring about the audience - I would stop caring their reaction, that the audience was there to support me, not the other way around. That their role was to help me, it wasn't my role to do anything for them. So with that out of the way, I started focusing on giving the best speech for the the speeche's sake - as if the speech was an idea and a physical object at the same time. I would shape my speech to be the best object it could be and I felt much more relaxed and enthuastic during my speeches.

I also used a lot of visualization to reinforce this image, this idea that I was giving a great speech without caring about my audience's reaction - in fact I stopped visualizing their reaction at all. I simply started visualizing how I felt (in command, confident, cheerful, etc, whatever I wanted to focus on) as I delivered my speech, and my speech would simply flow effortlessly out of me.

The result is that I started giving speeches that were much better then before, and my audience, despite the fact I officially didn't care about them, started enjoying my speeches much more. Since I wasn't concerned about their reaction, I was freed from worrying about it, and I could tailor my speech much much better to their reactions - if that make sense. That is, while giving my speech, if I saw someone objected or confused about something, I could quickly explain it more without worrying about their reaction. So in a way, because I no longer cared about their reaction, I ended being able to better care about them by delivering a better speech.

Hmmm, that has me thinking that maybe I can apply that to other areas.

[Excellent Lodestar]

Originally Posted by Wilfred

Being a musician (drummer) I have to perform quite often (± twice a month). But even after having had more than 50 gigs, I still experience these feelings of consciousness when all these eyes in the audience stare at me. The result is that I play more or less on auto-pilot, not expressing myself to the fullest.

Every time when a new gig is coming up I'll try to mentally prepare myself, convincing myself that "next time I really, really, really won't give a damn". But every time this 'next time' arrives, I will go back to this safe, conservative, not-100-percent-to-the-fullest style of playing.

As a former musician, I can relate. I had the chops, but I bought into the "reality" of an audience.
then I saw Miles Davis in concert It was OVER, man. Miles was ALL about "Not giving a damn" at --least as far as stage presence goes. He would spend half the concert with his back to the Audience...and the audience LOVED it! He was in another zone;oblivious to the sell out crowd... adjusting the Amp controls, whispering to other band members...

Pat Metheny says that his relationship to Music is a very personal one;that whatever he does is between him and it(music) so, if people like it, fine. in some cases others haven't---BOTH are Irrelevant to him. it doesn’t really alter what he's doing that much.If your ever seen Pat, you know that's the truth!

after Miles, my stage fright kinda just dissolved, and I would just focus on how my bandmates felt, if anything. Just having fun, playing our little musical "inside jokes" back and forth...Music was fun again.

[Angela]

I go the other way. When I've given presentations to an audience, I get really present to how much I care -- I tell myself, "I LOVE these people," and the active outward flow of love makes it impossible to worry about what they might think of me. I just can't fit both thoughts in my head at once.

And when I do that with an individual -- watch out! Magic. Sometimes I forget to do it, so thank you for reminding me with this thread.

Excellent Lodestar, oh, how I love Pat Metheny! What an incredible experience to hear him play live, isn't it?

[Jarrod]

Another approach.

You already don't give a damn. It is your thoughts and emotions that give a damn and consequently your attachment to them.

If you break out of them then you won't give a damn about giving a damn or not giving a damn and you will instantaneously care about everyone. Not their opinions, just them.

Until you get caught in another thought offcourse.

Just play your music, they came to hear you.

[ProjectX]

Go through embarassing experiences and you become desensitized to other people's opionions. Thats what happened to me, though it was unintentional.

Ever watch Seinfeld? Sometimes I pretend I'm Kramer and suddenly I no longer feel self-conscious.

[Trezker]

The easiest way to not give a damn about something is to give a damn about something else. It doesn't have to be complicated.

[Breezy]

There was a training, related to another issue, but they also wanted to break shy people free from the self-conscious prison. Their advice, go out into the most crowded place you can find, a metro station, inside of a commute bus, central square or the underground pedestrian tunnel and, prepare for this, sing a totally random song out loud, very loud, so all could hear you. Do it again and again and again, until you will stop caring about the people around you.

The truth that a person should realize, is that 99.9% of those who will pass you won't give a damn, and from those 0.01% that do give a damn, some will aplaud, but, most likely you won't ever see any of them again.

As proof of this, have you ever noticed when some weird/drunk/crazy person comes on to the bus and begins to jump around or yell, after 5 seconds everybody on that bus has a brick face and doesn't even notice the weird guy.

[Kim R]

i've been singing professionally for 28 years...i felt for you...
we on one hand want to let go and fully express the creative right brian music and yet need to let the left brain keep us cognizant of the logical details that need attending to during performance. So the whole brain comes into play, and for that brain gym exercises can be helpful...

i agree with previous posts, that both loving the audience--they came to see you--while not being attached to their "trip"s at the same time is a good line to walk...

take care of your adrenal function, and stay balanced physically and emotionally; the ups and downs of the performing life can be hard on the body and soul...

having said that, playing/singing music has been very much tied into my developing spirit...

PS: i'm married to a drummer!

[The Cloud]

There's no point in trying not to think about something, because you'll just end up thinking about it more. What's important is recognizing that whether you care or not, it's a feeling. Pain is a feeling too, but it's one that you often have to dismiss if you are going to achieve physical fitness. Sometimes it's even easy to dismiss, such as during a fun sporting activity or something that requires a lot of concentration. You aren't actively ignoring it or trying to make yourself not feel the pain, you just recognize that the pain is a part of a beneficial process and don't dwell on it. Perhaps it affects your performance, and you need to account for that, but it usually doesn't prevent you from physical activities altogether unless it indicates an actual injury.

So unless you have debilitating nervousness, you can work with it. Maybe at first you won't perform optimally, but you'll strengthen yourself a little more and the pain may begin to matter a little less.

[kpugh]

Personally, I don't think I'd want to go and listen to a musician who "didn't give a damn"...though I do think I understand how you mean it. Musicians who DO give a damn about their music will find ways of unleashing their potential. As was said already on here in another reply - the easiest way to not give a damn about something is to give a damn about something else. Care about your music, your bandmates, your craft, and your expression...and being self-conscious in the face of your audience will be a thing of the past.

[Wilfred]

Hey there,

Thank you guys for all your replies. Please excuse me for my tardiness. I Still have some questions and remarks though.

seeker5
I decided I would stop caring about the audience - I would stop caring their reaction, that the audience was there to support me, not the other way around.

Did you truly manage to make this decision for once and for all? In fact, it's rather easy to decide or promise yourself something. Sticking to it is the difficult part and what prompted me to make this topic. I was just wondering whether it did work for you though!

Excellent Lodestar
As a former musician, I can relate. I had the chops, but I bought into the "reality" of an audience. then I saw Miles Davis in concert It was OVER, man

This is a really a cool anecdote. I can get really inspired by good live concerts but it seems to only last until shortly after the concert. I was wondering too here, was it really that all of a sudden you lost all of your stage fright? Perhaps I'll just have to wait for that moment to arrive then!

ProjectX
Ever watch Seinfeld? Sometimes I pretend I'm Kramer and suddenly I no longer feel self-conscious.

No I haven't but I guess I'll have to !

Breezy
The truth that a person should realize, is that 99.9% of those who will pass you won't give a damn, and from those 0.01% that do give a damn, some will applaud, but, most likely you won't ever see any of them again.

As proof of this, have you ever noticed when some weird/drunk/crazy person comes on to the bus and begins to jump around or yell, after 5 seconds everybody on that bus has a brick face and doesn't even notice the weird guy.

True, true, true. This is one heck of an advice for everyone in general I think. I believe people tend to remember someone's successes far better than someone's mistakes. So 'constantly' reminding yourself that if you screw up people will only remember that for 5 seconds or so is a useful mindset to have I think!

Kim R
i agree with previous posts, that both loving the audience--they came to see you--while not being attached to their "trip"s at the same time is a good line to walk...

Having read all these posts, there seem to be two ways of viewing the audience, either loving them or ignoring their existence (as in the description of Miles Davis). Loving seems like a better way to connect with the audience though!

Anyway thanks for the replies, guys. I have to go now but I'll surely come back to this thread!

[chiffonade]

I think it may be worth mentioning that some of the more outrageous stage acts in pop music history were done by people in heavy make-up or costume, or sunglasses - something that gave the performer a "shield" between himself/herself and the audience.

I don't have any social problems, but I notice that I am less "en guard" in public places when I wear sunglasses or a hat. Perhaps you could try something like that on stage? Those stage lights are awfully bright, after all...

[Doku]

For me, not giving a damn comes down to this: What's the absolute worst that can happen? Will that really change my life? No? Then why bother?

Que Sera, Sera.

[Wilfred]

Originally Posted by Doku

For me, not giving a damn comes down to this: What's the absolute worst that can happen? Will that really change my life? No? Then why bother?

Que Sera, Sera.

Amen.