I Believe I'm Worthless

[carenkh]

So... this past weekend, I had some experiences, and I got in touch with a deeply-held belief about myself: I am worthless.

For this particular foray into that lovely view, it started with a growing attraction to someone I've been volunteering with. He is married, and NOT in an open relationship. But, our energy when we're together... wow! Hugs that make you disappear, electricity when our eyes meet, etc. I did let him know of my growing feelings, because I can tend to push and push boundaries - just for the hell of it! Because I can. And I didn't want to do anything to alienate him, or cause pain for him or his family. I didn't say this out loud, but I was looking for help in maintaining boundaries, because I didn't trust myself. He obliged! And let me know he wasn't available, and that he didn't want to complicate things with me. I have no idea why I'm telling you this, other than it's part of the story. It's been quite a long time since I've genuinely been attracted to someone in this way! And it's kinda funny to me that he's unavailable... that's probably part of the attraction!

Anyway - I have known that he's quite well off, I could see it in his home, and the choices he's made. I am not. I am a single mom, unschooling with my kids, trying to make ends meet. AND I have money management issues, as in, I don't. Manage it, that is. So many issues... and I've been looking at that, a bit. Well, through conversations with other people, I found out that not only is he well off - he is a member of one of the most well-off families in our city. So he comes from this background of privilege. I come from a background of bare feet and washers on the front porch, and mayonnaise sandwiches because we couldn't afford anything to put on them.

Finding this out caused this HUGE ball of self-loathing to come out. I mean, I was just... of course he could never be with me! Even if he wasn't married! He is... out. of. my. league. And he'd never seriously consider being with me, anyway. I'm just... I'm invisible next to him.

All of this to say: that feeling felt SO familiar to me. I have carried it my whole life. My entire life of believing that I am worthless. I have no value, in and of myself. It was triggered in this instance by this particular story, but it's not about this story. Ya know? This was just the manner it made itself known, this time around.

I have no idea what to do with this. But thought I should post, then I've been afraid to post, so figured I really really should! Because it's doing those things that scare me, especially in relation to vulnerability, that bring the most gifts.

Thoughts and wisdom appreciated.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by carenkh

Thoughts and wisdom appreciated.

I don't have any wisdom to impart on you, but just wanted to congratulate you on your courage for posting about it! I'm sure someone will be able to give you some insightful insights for you

[Rose of Cairo]

Hey! I have no wisdom yet, I need to digest what you wrote first. But I wanted to say: you are so brave and courageous for posting this, and I'm glad you decided to talk about it with us. I love you very, very much. Big hug to you.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

This is awesome. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. Yay! Now you get to come up with something inspiring to be instead of that lie of "worthless."

It's perfect that you are attracted to an unavailable and supremely rich guy (although it sucks) because it so poignantly illustrates the sticking point in your life. I would never have imagined you to feel worthless at all as I have found you so full of wisdom and peace and discernment. But that's how it goes, isn't it? From this point of view over here, I see you as quite wealthy in all of the ways that matter so much more than money. I grew up kind of like you are describing and not a lot of people from that environment embrace consentual living and unschooling and etc. I think you have defied the worthlessness that has tried to permeate your life, even though it still feels like it's surrounding you.

Have you ever worked with Angela's model for dealing with these old pain beliefs? If you are familiar with it it's a great tool here. And I know you already know about Katie, etc.

Sorry to be so happy that you are dealing with this crumminess, but I find it so miraculous that we invent such detailed stories and situations to force us to confront the "unconfrontable" in our lives.

I really love you (I feel a bond to you over the Cusack). Big hugs. I can't wait to see what you do with this. I am inspired by you!

[Angela]

That is so wonderful, Carenkh! "I am worthless." That's been something that has shown up in every area of your life, hasn't it? Brilliant. Congratulations on that insight, and I acknowledge you for the courage it takes to reveal what you've been working so hard to cover up all these years.

Would you like to work through it with my coaching, either publically or privately? I'd be delighted to help. And by the way, I've got the same one: "I am second rate" is one layer of "I am worthless."

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Have you ever worked with Angela's model for dealing with these old pain beliefs? If you are familiar with it it's a great tool here.

Hmm, I haven't seen this tool. Is it described somewhere?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Hmm, I haven't seen this tool. Is it described somewhere?

Well, Angela talks about it in a lot of threads in varying ways, but the basics are identifying the old pain belief, recognizing and naming the cost of it in your life and the lives of those around you, and finding an inspiring new possibility to generate instead. I am pretty sure you've seen it around. Maybe just my description of it as a tool is kind of throwing you off?

And I do no justice in describing it. I have often thought of pulling together a Best of Angela thread with links to all her very helpful posts, but aside from the fact that there are too many really good ones to list, I think that her website will be a better source.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Well, Angela talks about it in a lot of threads in varying ways, but the basics are identifying the old pain belief, recognizing and naming the cost of it in your life and the lives of those around you, and finding an inspiring new possibility to generate instead. I am pretty sure you've seen it around. Maybe just my description of it as a tool is kind of throwing you off?

Ah ok, that make sense.

It may be similar then to what I've seen Tony Robbins describe.

And I do no justice in describing it. I have often thought of pulling together a Best of Angela thread with links to all her very helpful posts, but aside from the fact that there are too many really good ones to list, I think that her website will be a better source.

That's a great idea! Maybe we need to start this thread to help her with getting her website out

[carenkh]

Wow! Thanks, everyone! You mean you don't hate me, and won't kick me out of the cool kids' club?

I see you as quite wealthy in all of the ways that matter so much more than money. I grew up kind of like you are describing and not a lot of people from that environment embrace consentual living and unschooling and etc. I think you have defied the worthlessness that has tried to permeate your life, even though it still feels like it's surrounding you.

Yes! I know that, too! I am wealthy in all the ways that matter. And I've gotten better at not having the worthlessness surrounding me... I moved into a beautiful, well-maintained home this past February, moving from a home that was dilapidated and nasty, with a landlord that just didn't care. I lived in that place for *four years*, because somewhere inside I didn't believe I deserved more - but something shifted! Because here I am.

But, as Angela said, it's that little niggling (giant!) belief of worthlessness that has affected so much in my life.

Would you like to work through it with my coaching, either publically or privately?

Well, Angela - let's go for it. Right here. I believe this can be of value for others - particularly lurkers, who are afraid to post - and I have nothing to hide. Except everything! LOL

Pretend like I don't know anything. Start with the basics. (Because there's that inner child of myself that *doesn't know* what I know!)

I so appreciate everyone's support - and aspiring, I totally get your happiness! I'm glad you're here!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Hmm, I haven't seen this tool. Is it described somewhere?

This is a coaching technique that I've developed that helps people have a breakthrough (in about a half an hour of emailing plus one phone call) in an area of their life where they're feeling stopped or ineffective. It boils down to a lot of what I have talked about here in these forums:

Articulate a feeling that has you stopped (in this case, "I am worthless.")
Look boldly for the earliest incident in which you decided that about yourself.
Examine that belief for truth.
Generate something new that works better.
Responsibility -- it's up to you to choose.
Inspire yourself by walking into your new future.
Act.

I like the acronym.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Whooopiiee. I am so excited to follow this ride! I'm here with all my support and a little selfishness because I know that this will help me too.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Maybe we need to start this thread to help her with getting her website out

Nah, I think a swift kick in the pants will do .

[Angela]

Originally Posted by carenkh

Well, Angela - let's go for it. Right here. I believe this can be of value for others - particularly lurkers, who are afraid to post - and I have nothing to hide. Except everything! LOL

Okay, great! The first thing I will ask you for is a commitment:

Are you willing to have a breakthrough in this area? Dynamically willing, I mean -- committed to take responsibility for it?

Are you willing to trust me, and go where I ask you to go despite your fear?

Will you have a phone call with me that will last will last anywhere from one to two hours? There is a portion of this that we works much, much better in a voice conversation than in a typed one. You can share what comes up here in the forum afterwards, if you like.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by carenkh

Well, Angela - let's go for it.

Awesome! It will be a life altering experience for you. Angela freed me from "I'm trapped" in such an amazing way! It changed my whole life.

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by Angela

Are you willing to have a breakthrough in this area? Dynamically willing, I mean -- committed to take responsibility for it?

Yes.

Originally Posted by Angela

Are you willing to trust me, and go where I ask you to go despite your fear?

Yes.

Originally Posted by Angela

Will you have a phone call with me that will last will last anywhere from one to two hours? There is a portion of this that we works much, much better in a voice conversation than in a typed one. You can share what comes up here in the forum afterwards, if you like.

Yes.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by carenkh

Yes.

Great. You've already completed one step, that is distinguishing this decision you made about yourself, "I am worthless." At some point in your past, probably when you were a small child -- possibly as young as 4 or 5 years old, you made that decision about yourself. Something happened, someone said something, and I call that the initiating incident. It can be valuable to look back at the initiating incident, because other insights may be available out of it, but it's not absolutely necessary for Alegria Coaching -- we can proceed either way. Most of the people I've coached have been pretty amazed by their initiating incident.

Would you prefer to do a little digging in your memory, or would you prefer to proceed without doing that?

[The Cloud]

Fact: I think that I am worthless.
Opinion: I am worthless for thinking that I am worthless.

Don't confuse thinking that you are worthless for actually being worthless. You're probably looking at it like playing a role. You say that you're worthless, then every time you have an opportunity to accomplish something you start acting like it. You think "I'm just going to screw this all up because I am so worthless. I will try to succeed, but I will fail because I am worthless." Screwing up is your act, and being worthless is your motivation. Of course, when you succeed at failing that just reinforces your act, because then you feel justified in thinking that you're worthless because you have evidence supporting your claim. In fact, you just enjoyed phenomenal success at that which you applied yourself to; being worthless.

But you aren't worthless, that's just a part you play. You aren't the things you think you are, those are just acting roles that you accept. If you accept the role of a failure, then don't be surprised when you succeed. That's just proof of how capable you are. Could somebody who is playing the role of a successful person fail as well as someone playing the role of a worthless person? Only if they got lucky. And maybe you're just setting yourself up for the ultimate failure; failing at being worthless.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by carenkh

Wow! Thanks, everyone! You mean you don't hate me, and won't kick me out of the cool kids' club?

You cement your membership in the cool kids club precisely because you were so open, so courageous, and so willing to work through this.

I'm looking forward to how the coaching with Angela goes, it could be quite helpful for some of us to learn how it's done. However, if you ever feel the need to go private, I'm sure we'll understand and respect that.

[carenkh]

The Cloud - I really appreciate your post! Here's the thing - I've accepted that I feel this way - mostly. I don't feel worthless, because I believe I'm worthless. (although I've certainly been in that space, and know just what you mean!) It's like... here's this *thing* that has affected so many decisions I've made, and although I would have said, yes, this belief is somewhere inside me... I wasn't in touch with it like I am now. So here's an opportunity to bring it to light, and get clear with the effects that it's had.

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by Angela

Would you prefer to do a little digging in your memory, or would you prefer to proceed without doing that?

Last year, I flashed on a very vivid childhood memory. It really knocked me for a loop at the time! I felt myself in my childhood body - I was probably 6, or 8 - I was looking down. I could *see* the clothes that I had been wearing. I was being hit. I don't remember the hitting - what I remember was thinking, "You can't get me anymore. This won't hurt me any more. This is one way you can't get me." There was such strength and determination in that little body -- and mind! So a part of me definitely got hidden away at that point. I do not directly remember being hit as a child, but both of my sisters say we were. This is as close as I've come to remembering.

This memory, while painful at the time, was VERY valuable to me. It came because when my youngest son would cry, I would get *angry* with him! I mean, he never saw that, but I felt it, so strongly. And that's so unlike me, I prayed and asked to be shown why I was angry. I had actually forgotten that prayer, until I saw and felt this vision a few days later. I haven't done the mindful work to see the connection between the two, but my anger subsided.

I think, at this point, digging would be... burdensome. It would put me in a place where I couldn't function as well. Just that one memory had me kind of fuzzy and scared for days. So - not now.

Unless - you believe to dig would be of the most value. I'm willing to go there if it would make a big difference.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by carenkh

I don't feel worthless, because I believe I'm worthless.

Yes. That's the way it works with these self-decisions. You made them so long ago, and you have been practicing them for so long, that that's "just how it is." It's just how the world occurs for you, and that's that. "I am worthless" is how the world occurs for you as Reality. You might think that things get better or different, but when something is intrinsically Real for you, a little improvement is about all you can hope for.

That's not what we're after here.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by carenkh

Unless - you believe to dig would be of the most value. I'm willing to go there if it would make a big difference.

Carenkh, I think you are on to something big, and that if and when you're willing to look boldly at what actually happened in that incident, you have a huge insight available to you. I also believe you're telling me you're not ready right now. During the course of our conversation, it's possible that things will come up for you that might remind you, and things that might help you to edge towards your inner truth in way that you feel safe and supported.

So I invite you to just keep that incident in mind, and consider that a real, actual incident occurred in which someone said or did something, and your little 6 year old self decided "I am worthless," and possibly more layering to that. (Like mine, for instance, "I am worthless" also contains "I am second-rate" -- and "I am annoying!" for that matter -- it's all like layers on an onion, and you might find that you'll see things like that in your belief about yourself as we talk further.)

Can you see "I am worthless" in this light, in a real, feeling, way? Are you able to see that, even though you haven't determined the incident, when you were around 6 years old, something happened one day and your little girl self sized yourself up as worthless? Are you able to feel the truth of that, or are you feeling resistance to that? Tell me what comes up for you when you answer this question. (feel free to free associate.)

[dali]

If you cannot buy a work of art today...Be One. I had a year of falling in love with men who did not return what for me was so real. Please dont get me wrong, it had been years since I felt attrction to anyone so it came as a big surprise. I think the bigger reason for this stuff happening was all a part of my waking up to the fact that I had bought into thoughts and feelings of my worthlessness as a man and affirmed it with each mistake I had made especially the frighteningly humiliating ones!I had the same tendency to go for men who could fill up the blank areas of my less than prosperous path. I am now in the position of discovering that the areas i believe I lack in can be addressed by me myself. I let myself actually look at them. Get still, feel the feeling whatever it is while all the time being aware of my breath and not believing my thoughts. I just observe. My thoughts no more or less important than my breathing or my sensing. I sit with them until I have pushed myself far enough ie not given up because of discomfort at the first hurdle. slowly raise them to my conscious mind and hand them over to my higher self to have a go. then I wait and observe little shifts in my attitude. I have tried to word this so that it makes sense but I dont know if Ive succeeded. Well done on this post though. It is especially welcome because there isnt a hint of self pity in it. Sounds to me like you have a good thing coming...and all through something that was/is so painfull. Another trick I have picked up is to practice gratitude frequently over the emotionally unpleasant things I go through. Seems to open me up to manifesting the real blessings hidden in the disappointments!!! We might not be able right now to get the works of art we desire into our lives but there is every day the oppertunity of becoming one ourselves...there cannot be a more powerful affirmation than conciously deciding each morning that I am worthy of great art today in my being. body and soul.I think its called turning lemons into lemonade!!! All the best.

[carenkh]

A note: I am probably going to mostly ignore posts that aren't Angela's right now in this thread. I will go back and read them eventually. Focus! So, Angela if there's something someone writes you want me to read, direct me to it, please.

And - you can call me Caren!

I determined I was worthless because my parents never really talked to ME. They talked to this hypothetical child in their house, but they never knew me. If they had known me and seen me, there's no way they could have hit me, 'cause giiiirrllll... I rocked! I was smart as a whip and sensitive and kind. And they never knew that. Because they just wanted me to do what they wanted me to do. If I did that, I was invisible to them. If I didn't, they'd have to actually talk to me and acknowledge my presence, and that pissed them off.

I can feel "I am worthless" in that light. I lived that. It would have been better if I hadn't been born. I was a trial.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by carenkh

I can feel "I am worthless" in that light. I lived that. It would have been better if I hadn't been born. I was a trial.

Okay. We're going a little deeper here, so let me know if you want to take this underground at any point. I really acknowledge you for your courage, Caren; this is where it will really be called upon.

"It would have been better if I hadn't been born. I (am) a trial." Can you feel your six-year old self telling yourself that? Can you see something underneath that? Something that sounds like, "I am _____." My feeling is that it's a judgement that's a little more harsh than "I am worthless."

(that harshness may be kind of scary -- and take a look to see if the fear of that harshness is what is keeping you from remembering your initiating incident -- just look; you don't have to do anything.)

What is coming up?

[carenkh]

LOL. Caren has left the building!

I am drawing blanks right now - nice safety mechanism, eh? Nope, I won't feel that, thanks.

What I WILL do is break for now - I've been at the computer all day working, and my kids need me, and I'm going to choose to spend some time with them and prepare dinner, etc. I'm on the East Coast, so it's that time!

If you'd like to set appointments to do this, that would be great. I will be on later tonight, and will get in touch then with that feeling and belief. I know it's there! So we can either make appointments, or just reply when we're each on.

Angela - I have printed out your picture. It's really helping me feel connected right now. Thanks so much.

Mine is on the post your picture thread if you'd like to do the same!

[Angela]

Great work, Caren. When you get to the blank wall, it means you're on the verge of something big, strangely enough.

Respond in your own time, and we'll take the next step. There's no rush -- you may be surprised at what will come up for you between now and the next time you "officially" think about this stuff.

Lots of love,
Angela

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Nah, I think a swift kick in the pants will do .

Well, perhaps having some of us help her in a way so that all she has to do is copy and paste our links might make it easier for her to publish her site sooner

Furthermore, she may not realize which of her posts we consider really powerful. I've noticed that oftentime, some people don't truly realize how amazing what they do because to them it comes so naturally to them they don't consider it anything special.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by carenkh

The Cloud - I really appreciate your post! Here's the thing - I've accepted that I feel this way - mostly. I don't feel worthless, because I believe I'm worthless. (although I've certainly been in that space, and know just what you mean!) It's like... here's this *thing* that has affected so many decisions I've made, and although I would have said, yes, this belief is somewhere inside me... I wasn't in touch with it like I am now. So here's an opportunity to bring it to light, and get clear with the effects that it's had.

Haha, I feel so presumptuous giving advice to a woman that has persevered through things that I can hardly even conceive (like raising a kid alone), and a woman older than me at that! But I know exactly what you mean. You've spend so long burying the thought with the hope that it will go away that you can't feel it anymore. It's like you know that there is something wrong, and you even have a good idea of what it is, but you can't really feel what it is. You just feel this sort of dead feeling, this wall, where you know you should be feeling something. And then you really feel it, and KNOW what is wrong, and it's just so fantastic just to be able to feel again.

Learn about this. Learn about and understand what you feel, why you feel. Then move beyond it. Feelings and thoughts are too volatile to base yourself on. Once you learn that you can figure out the basis for your feelings, it becomes almost addictive. And there is always going to be something you have to fix before you feel you can really move past it and get on with your life. This was what happened to me, and eventually it taught me that you can only fix things to a certain point. You will always be generating some kind of negative or undesirable thoughts and feelings, and it's just not possible to root them all out. And you don't have to, if you separate yourself from them and allow yourself to just let go of the negativity when it comes up.

So what I really mean to say is listen to Angela.

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Haha, I feel so presumptuous giving advice to a woman that has persevered through things that I can hardly even conceive (like raising a kid alone), and a woman older than me at that!

You have *much* to offer! We each bring our own experiences and gifts - yours may look different than mine, but it's not less valuable, or a reason to not speak up. I remember being in my mid-20s and wishing people would listen to me! I had a lot of wisdom (not being a smartass -- I genuinely did!), but people would dismiss me because of my lack of life experience. I know now I was creating that particular scenario, but then, it was frustrating! So I remain open-minded, no matter the source. Especially being around unschooled teens, I see how much everyone has something to offer.

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Once you learn that you can figure out the basis for your feelings, it becomes almost addictive. And there is always going to be something you have to fix before you feel you can really move past it and get on with your life. This was what happened to me, and eventually it taught me that you can only fix things to a certain point. You will always be generating some kind of negative or undesirable thoughts and feelings, and it's just not possible to root them all out. And you don't have to, if you separate yourself from them and allow yourself to just let go of the negativity when it comes up.

I actually learned this by watching a friend of mind do something like that. She had been sexually abused as a child, and I was present for her while she came to terms with that, and explored her history. But I also saw her get into a bad space, then say, "It must be another bad memory coming up" - then she'd stop everything until another horrific memory came to her. She'd feel relief, then the whole pattern would start again. I remember thinking - what would happen if she just *accepted* she felt bad, then move beyond it? Watching her has helped me to not fall into that trap.

It's about taking responsibility. YES, cruddy stuff happened: WHAT NOW? Cruddy stuff happens to people everywhere, every day. I can use it as an excuse, or I can use it to deepen my compassion and awareness and move on.

I have gotten stuck - particularly with money stuff. Money's just a symbol of this deeper thing - so here I am, working it out.

Originally Posted by The Cloud

So what I really mean to say is listen to Angela.

Amen.