I Believe I'm Worthless

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Hi Caren, you are not alone.

Thanks. That really went right straight into my heart - I appreciate it, aspiring!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by carenkh

Thanks. That really went right straight into my heart - I appreciate it, aspiring!

I'm glad. I really felt like I was there with you feeling those feelings...maybe because I have been there. It always helps me to realize that we all go through this in one way or another (and also to watch John Cusack movies, particularly Say Anything ) so how can we ever really be alone?

[Gene]

Originally Posted by Angela

Nicketas, Danger Man was telling me about a friend of his who cured his fear of flying using EMDR therapy. It sounds very interesting. Your tagline says your therapy is "for men" ... is there some aspect of it that's better or men than women, or is it just that you happen to specialize in helping men?

Hi Angela,

I am not Nicketas but I do have some substantial experience with EMDR. I have watched as people with debilitating trauma and PTSD achieve a reasonably normal productive life with EMDR as the treatment modality. The process is for everyone; men, women and children.

It is a short term therapy for most people's issues

[Jamesy]

Here's a thought: You're wiser than I, because I don't have the courage to admit that outside myself.

Here's some wisdom: Money does teach one things, but lack of it can teach what is truly important, it can show you yourself.

[Jade]

Hi, Caren. I know you are sharing your work with Angela to help others and not to invite analysis from a bunch of desk-chair therapists, but I have a thought and, after following and appreciating your journey through this, I am a little concerned that we all seem to have left you alone to work through “I’m all alone”. Anyway…

When we come here, one of the main deals is that we won’t be alone, right? We have to have a couple of people involved just to even be born. So, once we do our part and show up, having them not hold up their part of the bargain is unfair, to say the least. And human nature is to respond to “unfair” with anger, and rightly so. We want to change it, immediately, if not sooner. And anger is actually the perfect emotion to help us do that. It is a pure and natural source of fuel. It makes us need to do something. The only time that is a problem is when we can’t. Like when we’re too little, literally. So that makes anger really hurt, and most of us turn it into something less painful, like frustration, or sadness, or hopelessness. Each of which keeps us from being able to do something, causing the opposite effect the anger was trying to produce. And leaving all that fuel untapped, and all that pain unhealed.

So, I know very little of your story, but even with what I do know, you sure have the right to be angry. I am angry for you! WTF? No one forced them to have you and then when you cried and asked for the help you had no choice but to need, they get mad at you?! And on top of that you were such a great kid! Smart and funny and clever and really good and they didn’t even get it! What a waste! You were so special and you tried so hard and they just looked the other way! What’s the point?! It seems incredibly unfair and stupid to me so I can only imagine what a little girl must have thought.

Of course, accepting there is something wrong with the people you depend on for survival is a place we all know to avoid, under any circumstances. That falls into the don’t-go-there, unimaginably bad category. We just shudder at the thought and move past it, fast. So the next logical thought is that it must be us. That’s actually a lot easier to swallow, sadly. So… what could it be? Are we not as great as we think we are? No, we know we’re special. It’s as clear as day. There are all sorts of special things about us. Anyone can see that, if they bothered looking. So, it must be something less obvious. Like what? Well………… and that’s where we veer off into the more abstract explanations that don’t really make sense, but have a sort of un-provable logic to them. Such as, “I’m not good enough”, or, “I’m not lovable”, or “I’m not worthy”. They all boil down to meaning that “I don’t deserve whatever it is I am needing”. Again, totally and completely unfair. But what are ya gonna do? Well, usually, get angry, have no way to make it better, get angrier, feel way too much pain, push the anger down, and find something easier to deal with. Even “I guess I’m worthless” feels better at that point, especially to a child.

So, I’ve noticed that you don’t seem to be all that angry about all of this (except when Angela hit on “I was robbed”, which you basically apologized for expressing anger to), and it makes me wonder. Just the fact that whatever they did/didn’t do all those years ago is still affecting you today can be pretty infuriating, not to mention all the other stuff. I obviously have no idea how you feel other than what you’ve shared, but so far—and I am making this up here—it sure reads to me like someone who is pretty used to believing they don’t deserve better.

Now, I know that sounds a lot like “I’m worthless”, but it’s slightly different. You’ll know if that makes sense to you or not. It just seems to me that a little girl strong enough to pull a part of herself away from the fear and the pain must have had some kind of fuel to maintain it. That takes some will. Know what I mean? Tough little cookie. And that strength could really be a big help right now.

The problem with “I’m all alone” is it feels really scary. Which is disempowering. But, “Hey! I’m all alone here and that was not what I agreed to—you people are supposed to be here for me and I am starting to get really pissed off…” is a little more powerful. It’s not right to be left alone and you know it (unlike just observing where you are and not knowing what went wrong or why). They just totally let you down. Flat out. Broke the sacred contract. “I am not here” was a reaction, but still a choice. “I’m all alone” is a situation beyond your control.

So… all I know is, if I were you, I would be pretty angry. And if that’s in any way true for you, maybe that fuel can help push you past this. Or at least produce enough fire to light the way. (If so your feelings about money could probably be a great in-road for you to get in touch with it. They seem to sum it all up for you and produce a pretty clear reflection.) Getting stuck in “I’m all alone” would just make me scared. And probably make me want to run from the whole thing.

A little righteous anger can go a long way. But, on the other hand, I doubt you have a long way to go.


All the best, Caren. You deserve it.
Jade

[carenkh]

@Jade - Yes, I see some truth in what you're saying! Anger is one of those things...

Oh, OK - this is becoming so clear to me! I can tend to avoid anger, especially when it's BIG anger. I've learned that anger can be used to energize change, so I don't completely avoid it as I used to. It's certainly one of those things we're taught to avoid, and that it's wrong to express!

THAT'S why I was so insistent that Rose see her anger with her mum as HERS, as part of her - because I want to claim my own! (Thanks, Rose! LOL) Yes, I AM angry! So empowering. And, Rose, I want you to claim yours, too!

I'm interested in hearing if you have any thoughts about a process or way to get in touch with that anger? I believe it's there: it's one of the reasons I was previously so self-destructive in my life, and depressed. Depression is often anger turned inward.

Interesting thought about using money stuff... I haven't written about it, but that's the issue, the area that "fell apart" just after this work with Angela.

[Parthon]

Hahaha! Thats awesome to hear Caren!

Your spot on when you say anger is good though, if you feel it express it. The alternative is just keeping it inside, being depressed, building resentment, yuck!

You can control, or should I say, *use* your anger wisely though. Get upset at all the right people, take on your life and attack things you don't like, and of course tell people you just won't put up with their mediocrity. They are awesome damnit and if they won't do anything about it you'll kick them in butt.

Now I'm all angry and inspired .. RAAAAAAAR!

[misskay]

Caren, it is said that there are no coincidences in life. More and more I am believing that. I am, as I type, holding back the boo hoo bawling that is welling up inside o fme. Thank you, thank you, thank you and Angela for your "out loud" journey, for your courage. I am so glad that you did it, I soubt if I would have. So much time is spent in hiding those things, you never think someone else has those thoughts and feelings too.

Only this morning I was fitted with the feelings of worthlessness and being no good. I wrote a letter to my grandma and mom and all the things I remember them saying to me. After some prayer, I burned it. I granted forgiveness to them and myself and released the ashes into the air. Yet there was still a nagging feeling, more like looming, and then I came across your thread; boy can I relate. It is nice to know I am not alone, (no pun intended) and that there is an energy sister out there that shares my feelings and experiences, and that we are connected (if even for a moment through this forum) but what really makes me jump for joy is to see you get to the other side. That means I can too! I will relish the day I know intuitively why I am here, that I have discovered my "purposes" and innate talents.

A single mom myself, differing fathers, never married, money management issues an understatement, I now see how I have played out my "F*&^*upedness" through my actions and choices. Thank you Caren for sharing and Angela for allowing us to see part of the process too.
I have much to work on, but send you much love, and everyone else who showed support too. Thank you thank you thank you. If there is a way to get in touch with Angela, I have questions, that would be ideal.

Continued luck, love and blessings.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by misskay

If there is a way to get in touch with Angela, I have questions, that would be ideal.

Continued luck, love and blessings.

Get in touch with me?!? There's no way to avoid me around here!

Feel free to start your own thread or send a private message, misskay. You are not alone -- we're all in this together.

[misskay]

LOL. I defintely don't think I have the cajones to do what Caren did, but I am interested to know if there is ever a point when you stop dragging this stuff around with you? Or do you just make peace with it or what? I am truly sick of this stuff unconsciously directing my actions and from running from it and all the stuff that comes from it. I want a full life, especially since I have children and DON'T want to pass it on. I am WAY tired of living fearfully. But I feel like I always wind up back under the bus....if you know what I mean.

[Angela]

Some people carry their limiting beliefs around until the day they die, without ever examining them. Most, probably.

How you free yourself? Expose them to the light of awareness. Take a bold look. They just don't survive being exposed.

[Angela]

Caren, are you being "I am not here"? Where are you? What are you consciously animating? More importantly, where is the donation button on your website?

[misskay]

Okay I am not that type. I am doing work, but it feels almost as if I am haunted, like I can't shake 'em. I guess I am wondering is will I ever be totally free or will they always be there?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by misskay

Okay I am not that type. I am doing work, but it feels almost as if I am haunted, like I can't shake 'em. I guess I am wondering is will I ever be totally free or will they always be there?

You are not the type to boldly look, you mean? Boldly looking does not require you to be as public about it as Caren has been. You can do it on your own, if you like. And I suspect your limiting belief probably is influencing you strongly when you say, "I am not that type." What type are you?

If you continue allowing your limiting beliefs to unconsciously run you, they will keep running you. They won't just go away someday because they take pity on you or get bored. If you want to be free, it's all up to you to generate freedom.

[misskay]

Pardon my incomplete explanation. I don't desire to walk around unconsciously, but as I said, I have been doing development for quite some time, yet I seem to wind up right where I was before. I am not always certain how or why I got there. I am cognizant of negative thoughts and self talk, but it seems I can't catch them or something.... It feels like of like Terminix when you think you gotten rid of the pests only to have them resurface at your dinner party three months later!

**Quick thought. It is more like I can do it when I am home by myself reading about it, or looking at it online, but when I get out there in the world and I start going on automatic, I look up and ther I am again. Something in me doesn't take on the new stuff I have just read or learned or something. I hope that is a better explanation. That is why I want it GONE, so when I am living, it does run amuck on its own accord with no censorship.

[Angela]

Yes, they don't want to be caught! If you catch them, you can examine them and diminish their power over you. They're tricky, and that's why I call them gremlins.

One way to catch them is to use my coaching. There are other very effective ways, too, like Byron Katie's The Work. Many people here have caught their gremlins just by listening to others do their work "out loud" and recognizing themselves in others. We share the same limiting beliefs! And even if what someone else sees is not exactly what you do, just listening to them work it through makes the ability to boldly look available to others.

[misskay]

Thanks Angela. I just took a look at Katie's. Could you explain your method to me. I like how Caren was able to have her breakthroughs. Do you have a website (yet)?

[misskay]

Angela, I am not ready to do a thread, yet I would like to continue talking with you, so I am going to message you personally. Plus I don't want to take any focus off Caren. And I do hope Caren, if you are there, you will continue chronicling your journey here, so much is being gleaned from your interactions with Angela and your experiences. I have. So see you on the email Angela.

[carenkh]

misskay -

I am so grateful you found value here! I had such a strong feeling that someone, somewhere needed to read what I was going through - not just that vague "it might be helpful" but a certain "someone WILL be helped". Thanks for speaking up!

I am here, but am processing things internally - I know I have another post I want to write, but finding the energy to do that has been hard! I'm in touch with a very, very young and very injured part of myself, and am feeling a little too vulnerable to go into it just yet. So, I can be here somewhat to reply to posts here and there, but not HERE in this thread or others, because it's a little too raw right now. (Hey, Steve says that's a good thing! LOL )

Ooh, wow - just made the connection between going raw w/diet and being raw w/feelings... interesting.... I'm not on a raw diet, but on the days I eat raw, I have TONS of energy - so after a few days of that I'm all Krispy Kremes and sugary drinks! Go, me!!