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07-11-2008, 12:44 AM
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 Phone Call, Part the Second OK, so "I'm not here" was this deep, overriding decision I had made about myself when I was little, little. First, Angela asked if it was true that I wasn't here. And I said, "There's a part of me that's not. There's my body self, the me that's here, and my hidden self. She's not here." I was looking inside and really trying to determine what was true. As soon as I said that, I realized, well, wait. That hidden self is here, because she hears what we're saying. When I got in touch with my hidden self, she was very playful, feeling like “You can't make me come out!” The picture I got was of a little girl, standing with her hands over her eyes, saying “You can't seeee me.” So I looked at her with compassion, and made sure I was a safe space where she could be present. Angela was making the point that I was here, because I had an impact, and a body, and people could see me and talk to me, that I could move and act in the world. That's when it hit me that there's not really a hidden me... it's all me. And as out of touch as I was with that part of me I had hidden away, there I had been, the whole time. (I found Jesus! He was behind the couch the whole time.) When Angela asked again if it was true that I wasn't here, I was able to truthfully say no, that wasn't true. THEN, we started looking at the impact the belief “I am not here” has had on various facets of my life. This was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I was really open and vulnerable from the work we had done so far. I was able to honestly SEE and FEEL how that belief had affected (and still affects) those around me. Several years ago, I realized that I had made some of the choices I had because I didn't believe I had any type of impact on those around me. I felt invisible, so didn't see the wreckage I could leave behind. At that time, I was blaming my parents – if they had acknowledged my existence in any real way, I wouldn't have felt invisible. This was completely different – this was taking responsibility for making that choice about myself. It was painful, people! Leaving relationships easily – even my marriage, not being fully present with my kids (ironically, since I advocate for that so much!), not being there for my family. I was SO sad as we were looking at this. It was very real. At one point, I can remember telling Angela how my little hidden self really hated that I had made the decision long ago to stop drinking and doing other drugs – it meant she couldn't hide as easily. And now, all the books, etc. encouraging everyone to BE in the moment, be present to what is. She didn't want to! One of the first books I read on my PD journey was “Be Here Now” - ironic and funny. Angela then asked what would it feel like if I dropped the belief “I am not here”. I got a huge surge of energy just thinking about that! We talked about how it would impact my relationships, my job. My kids. I got so excited thinking about the possibilities for how being present could play out! When we talked about my work – specifically reiki – I was blown away by how BIG the energy got! I think I said it would be ten-fold energy! I would be bringing my whole self to everything I did, and that would make such a difference! I told her I could be funny! That up to now, I tended to hold back. But if I'm fully here, I'll just take that chance. She then asked me to come up with a phrase to encompass that feeling. We tried on a few things... I can't remember now, everything we talked about. I saw myself being an artist, I really vibed with that. We talked about how any worker can be an artist – like if someone repairs a window, do they just slap the new window in and put on the putty, or are they an artist in how they repair it? You don't have to create what we call art to be an artist, you can be an artist no matter what you're doing. She asked which of the things we had talked about brought me the most energy. I remember being an artist, and being funny, and giving energy... I talked about facilitating drum circles, and that the way I facilitated them now was to sit in the circle, and lead with my drum itself, changing the tempo or the rhythm, but there's a workshop in Hawaii in a couple of months that teaches you how to facilitate from the middle of the circle, like a conductor. I loved the word conductor! And all its different meanings – as in, conducting the music, but also, being a conductor of, or conduit for, energy. And that's what drum circle facilitation is! Conducting the energy. If I learned how to facilitate in the middle of the circle, I could more successfully conduct really large groups of people – necessary if I'm going to spread the drumming word. So we played with that word conductor. I kept getting a picture, and I still don't understand what it is – it's like a beam, going out in an arc. Like a fishing pole, getting thrown out there like that, but it's a big piece of wood. Going OUT in the world. Then I saw a computer, and computer graphics, and I couldn't remember the word I wanted, so I just started to say that out loud – graphics? Artist?... ANIMATOR!! That was the word I wanted! And I just LOVED it. I am an animator – bringing things to life! And – get this: I can draw what I want to myself. Oh, we just laughed about that. So, that's me: a conscious animator and conductor. We talked about with animation, there are NO limits to what you can create. You're not bound by physics. I love, love, love this vision of my life. AND – I commit to let go of the belief and the thought, “I am not here”. If you see me playing that out at all, feel free to call me on it! And again, Angela – feel free to expound on anything I wrote, or fill in any gaps. You took notes!      |
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07-11-2008, 01:10 AM
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| Well, once you invented the possibility for yourself of being an Animator, you made me laugh so much! You said you that if you were to let go of the belief that "I am not here" you would be a guerrila life artist and I pictured you as Magilla Guerilla, your photo on people's t-shirts with a little Che Guevara hat on your head and a little goatee, monkeying around. You said, an Animator! Like Mel Blanc! and I heard "Mel Blank" -- like, you would be a blank slate, able to "draw" anything and everything -- no limits. I think it took a ton of courage for you to do this work, not least because you were really believing "I am not here" and "You can't help me." It's really difficult to be present and available for assistance when you are believing those thoughts!  You said one thing that really surprised both of us: "I don't have relationships with other people. I just don't do this." -- that really shut us both up, I think because you realized that what you want and what you're committed to are two conflicting things. It's hard to go anywhere when you've got one foot on the accelerator and the other pressing down the brake, isn't it?  One thing that was really funny was that I often thought our connection had dropped -- "Hello, hello! Are you there?" I kept saying. I didn't realize that you were being "I am not here." So, how have things been going for you since that call? How was the drum circle? How does it feel to practice Being an Animator and a Conductor and letting go of "I am not here"? Have you had any breakdowns yet? Any triumphs? |
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07-11-2008, 01:24 AM
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Day-um! There's something about working with you that *really* allows access to those hidden places and beliefs. |
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07-11-2008, 01:44 AM
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Since then, she found out her home that she had subletted is vacant, so will be going home right after her show - but the possibility! I was going to have a goddess in my house!! (Do you know Amy Steinberg? CHECK HER OUT! Amazing singer/songwriter. Listen to "exactly" on her myspace.) It felt scary, but really great. The drum circle was amazing! I did not get in the middle - yet! - but I was much more vocal and... conducting. Rather than just riding the wave, I was leading it at times. True facilitation requires a balance of those. I got on the phone to try to find grant money to go to Hawaii! Seemingly impossible, since it's in <s>two months</s> one month (yipes!), but I know the money is out there, and I know I can find the magic key to get it. Normally, something like calling about that would be an idea, and I'd lie down until the feeling to go for it passed, but I got on the phone! (Any ideas? Let me know!) And I got other people, some of whom had never even heard of drum circles, enthused about drumming! With my name and number, should they ever desire to do any team-building kinds of things in the future. I have had moments of disappearing, and just... hiding, somewhat. But I do catch it now, take a deep breath, and make sure I'm all here! My intuition has been buz-zing, and at the grocery store, when I saw a particular young man, my hands felt the "reiki pull". Rather than slinking away, wishing I dared offer reiki -- I offered it! And as soon as my hands were on him, I felt the energy just flowing. He and his mother stood there in awe afterwards - it really affected him! I am. I am here. Oh, yeah - one other thing I realized in our conversation was that up to now, when I gave people reiki, I would say, I'm *just* a conduit, that it required that *I* get out of the way to let the energy flow. Well, that's bulls**t! You can't have that kind of energy flowing through you, and not have part of you flow with it! It's physically impossible, and that's how it's supposed to be! I am supposed to share myself with whomever I'm interacting with. I can claim that now. Last edited by carenkh : 07-11-2008 at 03:09 PM. Reason: realized Hawaii is one month away! |
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07-11-2008, 12:55 PM
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I am writing this brief message to you while listening to the music of Amy Steinberg from her MySpace home page. Thank you for sharing your journey and for sharing this powerful music. |
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07-11-2008, 01:24 PM
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| Thanks, Gene! It's making such a big difference to take minute when I wake up and say, "As a conscious animator, today I choose...." Funnily enough, the reaction I had to your message, and this one! from Steve  is like this:   I guess if I'm here, I need to get used to being seen! I wouldn't have linked to my blog before, because it's not a PD blog, and I don't check stats, try to build traffic, etc. It's a place I go to write... stuff. Connect with other parents (though it's not a momblog!), share funny stuff, etc. So I have felt like it didn't belong here, on this site. But *I'm* here, so it does! I appreciate your message! |
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07-11-2008, 02:03 PM
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| I am so excited! I can feel your here energy from, well, here. How much money do you need to make it to Hawaii? You don't have to say, but I would like a number to hold in my head for you to receive (and I'll even send you $50 dollars to get you started - PM me).
__________________ I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies. This is the dawning of the rest of our lives. --Green Day The more I see, the less I know, the more I'd like to let it go. --Red Hot Chili Peppers |
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07-11-2008, 03:19 PM
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I'm adding it to my list.
__________________ I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies. This is the dawning of the rest of our lives. --Green Day The more I see, the less I know, the more I'd like to let it go. --Red Hot Chili Peppers |
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07-11-2008, 03:28 PM
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| this may be a little confronting for you!!! Caren, what if you were to describe your Hawaii dream and what you want to accomplish for yourself and the difference you want to make in the world, and ask the world for help by putting a Paypal donation button on your website? You could do a little blog-within-your-blog about what comes up for you as you practice letting go of "I am not here" and practice generating "I am an Animator" -- you could actually move and inspire people at the same time you are being accepting. I would certainly donate to such a cause! |
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07-11-2008, 03:33 PM
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| A *little* confronting? That has crossed my mind before... and of course, my first thought is - I don't have enough readers to make a difference! But: I will do that. Because it's scary. And because my blog is one place where I keep it real. I was already writing a post in my head about our experience, figuring out how to write about that. I'm working today, but will post when it's done. Thanks for the challenge! {and for everything} |
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07-11-2008, 03:43 PM
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| Yay! I was afraid I was going to have to fight with you to get you to accept money. Hey! I wonder if you have been occurring for the world like that -- like the Universe has been saying to itself, "Well, I want to shower Caren with abundance, but it's so much stinking work to get her to accept it -- she has no pockets, she has no hands, she's just not there!" And now you can retrain the Universe and everyone in it to see you as a conduit through which abundance can flow and dance and irrigate and conceive and blossom. |
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07-17-2008, 11:10 AM
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| Hi Caren, How are you doing now in transmitting the belief of being worthless into being a conscious animator and conductor? |
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07-19-2008, 05:31 PM
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I'm so afraid of getting really real, so afraid of being judged, I just freeze up. I don't want to ask for help, but I want someone to save me - someone besides me! Today's a not so good day, can you tell? I'm having a hard time even finding my adult self, much less my conscious animator self -- even though there's also a part of me that knows I *am* creating all this! All this angst and drama and self-hatred. |
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07-19-2008, 05:34 PM
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I don't know how to help, but I can say I'm here with you. Last edited by seeker5 : 07-19-2008 at 05:38 PM. |
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07-19-2008, 05:44 PM
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| Caren, that's totally perfect, what you're going through. Remember we spoke about the different levels of belief, and how you start with what you can handle, and as it gets handled, then you can take on the scarier stuff? It's so great that "I'm alone" is surfacing for you now; that means your subconscious is feeling ready to handle it. You know, you can go through the alegria process on your own, if you like, which might be perfect in this case! (Rose does this all the time on her own; she might have something to share with you about it.) -- "I am alone." Is it true? -- Can you even know it's true? -- What is the impact on you of believing that thought, "I am alone"? -- What is the impact on others? -- Be with that impact. Really go there. It's okay, you're alone, you can do it! -- What would be possible if you were not believing the thought, "I am alone"? What would be possible around abundance, love, your kids, romance, your drum circle, making a difference in the world? -- Which of those possibilities really inspires you? -- Are you dynamically willing to practice letting go of "I am alone" and generating your inspiring new possibility? -- Would you like us to hold you accountable in that? Or, you can call me and I'll talk you through it. I am with you, and you are with me. |
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07-19-2008, 06:07 PM
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| Thanks, seeker5! Angela - I will go through it on my own, even though I'm scared! Because that would just reinforce that belief - yes, even though you just said you'd do it with me! What I hear is: You have to do it by yourself! So I think doing it on my own will help get to the core, if that makes sense? I am also remembering when we did talk about that, what I came to is, we are all deeply connected at that emotional & spiritual level. I can hang on to that, as well. |
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07-19-2008, 06:14 PM
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| Yup, two people just told you we are with you, and it's really hard to hear that through the belief of "I am alone", isn't it!?! Just think about how many other people throughout your life have told you, one way or another, "I am with you" and you were not even able to hear them, let alone acknowledge them or let them in. You have been powerfully creating your experience!  Remember, it's essential that you really BE with the impact on you and others. |
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07-19-2008, 06:29 PM
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| Thanks for posting, Caren, I have been wondering about you. You sounded so powerful right after your breakthrough that I was almost jealous -- I was going through some rough backlash after MY breakthrough -- but I guess it's all 1 step forward 3/4 step back... it makes me feel less alone.
__________________ ~Lauxa~ |
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07-19-2008, 06:38 PM
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You're here and you can't escape anymore! |