I Believe I'm Worthless

[Christian223]

If you want to get rid of those worthlessness feelings, try using EFT, there are many good EFT videos on yotube and on Tapping.com - Free EFT Videos - Emotional Freedom Technique, i used it and it has helped me a lot, and not only me, thousands and thousands of people are benefited by it.

EFT is an accupressure technique, it looks weird, but its often very fast and effective, you should really invest some time to do some EFT rounds, youll feel so much difference after you do.

If you wish i can give you some advice on how to do it, im no expert, but have been doing eft for months, some issues are easy to get rid off, some arent.

Jesus bless you, good luck.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hey, Caren. A little note for when you go back and read the outlying posts. Just popping in to offer some encouragement. You are doing fantastically. Hitting a blank, needing a break, not wanting to go deeper...all perfect. You are incredibly strong and courageous!

I just wanted to put out there that for me, getting back inside the initiating incident around "I am nothing" was painful. I felt out of control. I felt like nothing. I was a helpless child again, scared and alone. BUT, I really feel that getting into that space was the beginning of the biggest turning point in my life. I don't know nor will I try to guess what is best for you, but I just wanted to encourage you that this work is worth it...AS ARE YOU!

I love you.

[NightSpirit]

Although I know our parent’s issues can influence our self esteem, it doesn't seem to be the root cause of this particular feeling of worthlessness as stated in your original post.

By the way, I like the great way you handled those attractions to the man by bringing them out into the light of day and not letting yourself be caught up in some fantasy crush or painful affair. Good job. Stay free.

A lot of what you were basing your worthless feeling on in your original post seemed to be more about the financial aspects of your childhood and your present situation or position compared to someone else's (the man and his family). You felt worthless and undesirable because he is from a well-off family and you are not.

The feelings are real and painful and you are courageous to examine them and their power over you. You already know this but I just want to add another voice to yours and say that the process and data used that led to those feelings is all based on a lie. There is no such thing as a worthless person.

We are all sent here from God, our father, who is pretty well-off himself and our worth has been determined and set by Him. Nothing of the world can change our value, neither add to it nor take away from what we are made of, which is God.

We may have the use of different things and be able to gather up more stuff around us and get pieces of paper with our names on them, like diplomas and birth certificates, car titles and deeds, but we are all still going back to the same place, to God, and all that will be left here to rot.

Whether we have a lot of stuff or a little, we all have access to the true riches and we all have the privilege to use our stuff to make life easier for someone else. We all have the opportunity to take what we have been given and add to it and we can all be proud of how well we have accomplished this whether we started with a little stuff or a lot.

That someone back down the line in that man's family, was able to increase what he had been given at a faster rate than those of your family, whether due to the luck of circumstances or due to initiative and wisdom, that does not make you worth less or anyone else worth more.

Wealth is not evil and poverty is not good. But there are also "poor little rich kids" as well as "rich little poor kids". And "rich little rich kids" and "poor little poor kids", the first adjective being a matter of choice and character but the last being more a matter of the circumstances of this world.

My cousin, when struggling with her own insecurity and wealth issues, came to the conclusion that we all came from "white trash". We both came from the same grandparents so I felt sorry for her. Must have been her daddy that was "white trash" because my grandma and mother and aunts and uncles were all diamonds with vaults full of wisdom and kindness and generosity, the true riches and that was my inheritance. She disinherited herself from all that, I guess. Or just wanted more than that.

If your parents and grandparents were poor in all those things as well as in money, you seem to have started your own vaults of both kinds, for your children and grandchildren. Your comparison of yourself to someone else's success can be a good thing if it gives you hope that it can be done but don't allow their success to make you feel worthless or hopeless.

Because of family obligations and circumstances, our aunt Della hardly ever had two nickels to rub together and yet she made the very best of this life she had been given. She never forgot that she was the child of the King of the Universe and she never treated anyone else as less than the same, no matter which street they lived on or which color skin God gave them and no matter their preferences, choices or mistakes. Through her efforts to continually improve and educate herself, she became like the Buddha or sage on the mountain for our family. Everyone left her presence feeling like they were special, not because of what she said, but because of the importance she placed on hearing what they had to say.

If I was ever going to allow myself to feel worthless in comparison to another, it would be someone like her. But instead her success and they way she multiplied what she had been given, just the breath in her lungs and the blood in her brain and the ears on her head into eternal, never-ending riches, this gives me hope that I can do the same.

You can have less stuff or more stuff, along with the distractions and responsibility of that stuff, it's your choice. But you will always be golden
and loved and part of your work here on earth can be to let everyone else know they are too, if you choose to accept the mission.

[carenkh]

When I got quiet, I could see (feel) myself, very young, lying alone on a bed. Feeling... unwanted. Angry.

It was before I learned to be quiet, to appease my mother. I used to cry, to no affect. Unless I cried too much, then she'd be angry. I don't know why my sister's not here with me - we're usually together, even nap time. I hurt. Not sure where. All over. It really hurts, but I'm not crying out loud, because I don't want Mamma to be angry. I can feel the injustice in my chest. This is NOT right. I'm swallowing the pain, since no one will fix it anyway. My pain doesn't matter, and it will make my mom impatient. I shouldn't feel pain.
I am unwanted. I don't matter.

I do my best to not matter, because that means I'm invisible. When I'm not invisible, I get hurt or yelled at.

[niche]

So I decided to respond to this, not with wisdom, but with experience. I have been there, done that...so to speak. I want to tell you my story so you can understand maybe a little bit better that there are others just like you out there and maybe take comfort in knowing that someone has been in your similar situation and has taken some steps toward correction. So here goes, but I've tried to shorten as much as I can. If you'd like to know more or have questions, just ask.

I've always felt worthless. Always. Even as a child. I am the product of a paranoid, schizophrenic, child molesting father and an honest, good-hearted, over anxious mother. I've been poor my entire life. Still am, but I'm in school now. My only "mentor," my grandfather, died when I was almost 13. Bad timing since of course I was entering adolescence. I soon entered the world of drugs but got out very quickly. Made a mistake of marrying when I was 16. The man I married was, to say the least, not compatible with me. Sure we had fun when there was no stress, but as soon as the hard times starting hitting, he starting hitting the bottle and me. I had twins. Lost everything I had earned because of being on bed rest with a husband that wouldn't pay the bills. The summer after the twins were born, I started college for a business degree. Also by the time, I was 18, I picked up pot smoking again to help with the daily life of abuse and hardship. I quit when I got pregnant with my twins. At least I did something right. Then during my time in college getting my business degree I found a job. A one man accounting agency. He hired me, trained me, wined and dined me, and I couldn't help but falling in love with him. He was married. I also liked to push boundaries. Still do. He told me he wasn't available, but I couldn't loving him. Especially since I was around him everyday. He eventually moved out of the state. I was crushed but moved on, not in the healthiest ways, but I did. Then he came back for a short while and I met up with him again. He was drunk and ended up kissing me. Then he blamed me for the kiss and told me he never wanted to see me again. I spiraled down very fast. Still married I took part in extramarital affairs. I eventually became pregnant with another man's child. I was scared. My husband and I moved north to be with the rest of my family. I had my baby. I didn't smoke pot during this pregnancy either. Three months later I met another man. Better this time and not married. He helped me get out of the situation I was in, but it was by moving in with each other. I got into therapy. This is what truly helped me. Two years of it. My twins also went to therapy and I learned how to be a better mommy. This all happened in 2005. So three years later, I've stopped going to therapy, have a much more stable life, although not financially, and I'm going back to school to try to make more money. Only 2 years left to completion of my degree. I'm learning all kinds of new things, but sometimes that ol' feeling of "I'm worthless" comes back to haunt me. Through techniques I learned in therapy, I've learned how to control this feeling better, but it still has not yet completely gone away.

As for digging into the deep stuff, it hurts and it messes you up for quite some time. Be sure you have a support system in place before you even think of doing this. But the end result will give you more knowledge and you will feel much better about yourself.

So sorry for rambling on. I really did try to make it as short as possible. It's hard to share stuff like this, but I'm able to do so because I can't see anyone's faces on here.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Caren, I am crying tears of pain and joy at the same time. Loving you from over here and wishing I could wrap you in a hug that would take it all away. You are so brave! You are doing this perfectly.

Lots of love.

[Angela]

Caren, great, great work. You are right on top of something.

There you are, maybe you are 6 years old? in bed, alone, your sister's not there, you are feeling unwanted and angry, it's not fair, your mom is somewhere nearby, you know you do matter and you also know you're not invisible because if you did not matter and if you were visible than you would never get hurt, but you do get hurt. You don't want to be what you are because being what you are will get you hurt. It's not fair. You are hurting, but if you express it, you will hurt even worse.

Caren, what are you deciding about yourself? "I am ______."

[Angela]

I have to step out for awhile. As you percolate on my last message, please feel free to "try on" the decisions you are speculating you might have made, lying on that bed so many years ago, and say them out loud. When you hit it, it will resonate in your heart -- you will know, and it will feel extremely familiar and land solidly for you. Sometimes just typing it doesn't get people to that resonant stage, although it does for some. Say it out loud, and listen for your inner truth. You may want to try on a possibility or two out loud with me on the phone; I will be here later this afternoon to listen for your truth the way it needs to be heard outside the bones of your head. Don't worry about the time difference; I am very much looking forward to listening to you revealing what is hiding from you, no matter what time of day or night. It happens in its own time; there is no rush.

Please see my private message.

[carenkh]

For the first time in a long time, today I've been feeling... hopeless. And stuck. Those thoughts of, "Oh, I should just chuck it all! There's no hope!" have been around. I've been around long enough to know not to put energy there... but I find the timing interesting. Open up those long-suppressed feelings, and there ya go. I'm a *little* frightened of being left here, in this space of vulnerability, un-resolvedness, and fear. But I am, overall, trusting this process.

It's really, really hard for me to feel those feelings I felt as a child. And I feel like I've hit a wall, and Angela's asking "I am...." and I don't know how to fill in that blank. I believe I will, though, when the time is right. Angela and I will talk soon, and doing some of this out loud may get me to a different place.

[dali]

go on. go out and help someone who looks worthless to you today. see how even when you feel worthless there is always someone more in need than you are. Then you will most certainly be taking action and absolutely proving the lie.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by carenkh

I'm a *little* frightened of being left here, in this space of vulnerability, un-resolvedness, and fear.

I know that feeling. But know that we won't abandon you and that this is a normal and temporary reaction to the process. I think it's another great thing that you feel this way. When you get close to the truth, your ego (or whatever you want to call it) is going to try to scare you back into your hole...into complacency or denial.

Originally Posted by carenkh

It's really, really hard for me to feel those feelings I felt as a child. And I feel like I've hit a wall, and Angela's asking "I am...." and I don't know how to fill in that blank. I believe I will, though, when the time is right. Angela and I will talk soon, and doing some of this out loud may get me to a different place.

Talking out loud to someone who can facilitate the process is much easier than trying to do this stuff using the written word and waiting for a response. All of these feelings you are having are normal to I think. They were for me and probably for everyone that has worked with Angela's coaching on this. Part of my issue with feeling like I'm nothing was that I felt like I was doing the process all wrong and would fail at it. Um, hello, exactly the point .

As far as going back and feeling those feelings. It hurts. I found a lot of compassion in myself for that little girl who was so hurt and scared and I also found out how strong I am -- how a child can feel that pain and still go forward is amazing to me.

Again, just wanted to offer some encouragement. Lots of love.

[coLLege kid07]

Originally Posted by carenkh

So... this past weekend, I had some experiences, and I got in touch with a deeply-held belief about myself: I am worthless.

For this particular foray into that lovely view, it started with a growing attraction to someone I've been volunteering with. He is married, and NOT in an open relationship. But, our energy when we're together... wow! Hugs that make you disappear, electricity when our eyes meet, etc. I did let him know of my growing feelings, because I can tend to push and push boundaries - just for the hell of it! Because I can. And I didn't want to do anything to alienate him, or cause pain for him or his family. I didn't say this out loud, but I was looking for help in maintaining boundaries, because I didn't trust myself. He obliged! And let me know he wasn't available, and that he didn't want to complicate things with me. I have no idea why I'm telling you this, other than it's part of the story. It's been quite a long time since I've genuinely been attracted to someone in this way! And it's kinda funny to me that he's unavailable... that's probably part of the attraction!

Anyway - I have known that he's quite well off, I could see it in his home, and the choices he's made. I am not. I am a single mom, unschooling with my kids, trying to make ends meet. AND I have money management issues, as in, I don't. Manage it, that is. So many issues... and I've been looking at that, a bit. Well, through conversations with other people, I found out that not only is he well off - he is a member of one of the most well-off families in our city. So he comes from this background of privilege. I come from a background of bare feet and washers on the front porch, and mayonnaise sandwiches because we couldn't afford anything to put on them.

Finding this out caused this HUGE ball of self-loathing to come out. I mean, I was just... of course he could never be with me! Even if he wasn't married! He is... out. of. my. league. And he'd never seriously consider being with me, anyway. I'm just... I'm invisible next to him.

All of this to say: that feeling felt SO familiar to me. I have carried it my whole life. My entire life of believing that I am worthless. I have no value, in and of myself. It was triggered in this instance by this particular story, but it's not about this story. Ya know? This was just the manner it made itself known, this time around.

I have no idea what to do with this. But thought I should post, then I've been afraid to post, so figured I really really should! Because it's doing those things that scare me, especially in relation to vulnerability, that bring the most gifts.

Thoughts and wisdom appreciated.

Great you figured it out Now you have the ability to change it...you can change it to something like I have integrity, I am personable, I am valuable, I am worthy..? Awareness is the next step in change. So just realizing this will help you overcome it. Good luck and I'm sure great things are in the future for you.

Oh and some insight on what happened when I went through this....probably about couple days ago I had a revelation that I was very afraid about being disrespected. Recalling a few moments in my past I noticed that at the times I experienced my most negative experiences it was when I was being greatly disrespected. So to rid myself of this belief I adapted its opposite (being respectful) and from there all the past pain seemed to disappear. Again good luck and I'm sure you'll do great. =)

[carenkh]

Following is the conversation Angela and I had on PM:

Originally Posted by carenkh

For the first time in a long time, today I've been feeling... hopeless. And stuck. Those thoughts of, "Oh, I should just chuck it all! There's no hope!" have been around. I've been around long enough to know not to put energy there... but I find the timing interesting. Open up those long-suppressed feelings, and there ya go. I'm a *little* frightened of being left here, in this space of vulnerability, un-resolvedness, and fear. But I am, overall, trusting this process.

It's really, really hard for me to feel those feelings I felt as a child.

Originally Posted by Angela

You are absolutely where you should be now. The stuff you've been suppressing all these years, the stuff you know not to put your energy there, the hopelessness, the vulnerability and the stuckness...
the feeling that comes with the decision you made as a little kid is what keeps coming around, over and over again, and you keep not going there, and so it lies simmering and seething underneath everything you do, every choice you make in life.

Caren, there is something I get from you, this is just my intuition speaking, so I'd like to ask you to try this on: there is something about stealing, and being stolen from. You wuz robbed, and/or you dun some robbin'.

You are concerned about having something taken from you, and you are REALLY concerned about thieving from others, in a psychic manner, I'm talking about. You met an exciting married man --and you worried about alienating him, or hurting his family. You stole those bees away from their bee parents and their bee kids. Someone stole a sign from your yard. And money--it's important to you to protect yourself from subtle forms of money theft, I think; and also you are worried about "stealing" from others, aren't you? Like: maybe you are not giving enough value for what you receive, in some way, and you don't really deserve what you get? Not just money, I think. Caren, your biggest little kid concern was avoiding costing your parents too much, because then you would have to pay a price.

Does this resonate for you at all? Can you feel that way of being? Does anything come up for you?

Originally Posted by carenkh

Yes, it's resonating...

I don't want to give anything for anything! I think my rent should be free, and I shouldn't have to pay my power bill. Why should I have to pay for those things? I just finished telling Dharma (who PMd me) that I have outright stolen in the past, and felt fully justified in doing so. It's been several years since I've done that - but I think if I hadn't been about to be caught, I never would have come clean. That money should be mine! And I don't understand why THEY get to have it, and I DON'T!! It's totally not fair. They get thousands and thousands. I just read about Kimora Lee Simmons' child support - she gets $20,000 a month! I think she should give me some of that! That's crazy that she gets that much!!

What I felt when thinking about xxx (handsome exciting married man) growing up rich was -- of course! That's how he was able to start this nonprofit, and that's why he knows so many people! I have to work really, really hard to do those same things, and it's not fair! I should have had a supportive childhood, and I didn't. I couldn't do anything I wanted, ever, because we couldn't afford it. Only we could have! My parents smoked. Do you know how much they spent for cigarettes? And always bitched and moaned when I needed something for school. I was stolen from! And I want it back! I'm pissed off!

Note to forumites: This was little, wounded me who was speaking. I really don't need any explanations about how these thoughts are silly or self-defeating, or I need to see "past this".

[carenkh]

PM continued:

Originally Posted by Angela

Yeah, I totally get it. The world did not meet your needs when you were little, and so you felt perfectly justified and entitled when you stole*. And when others get stuff, it triggers your old pain and you feel that old slighted, overlooked, victimized, worthless, furious feeling again, right?

Boy, you are really going through it to get past it, Caren! Your courage is really something!

So, your little kid self wouldn't have said it like, "I was stolen from," would she? She would have used a more child-y word, wouldn't she? How would you have decided this when you were six, what would it have sounded like coming from a tiny girl's point of view? "I am ____" or "I was ____!"

Be that tiny girl, Caren, go there, this is the time. Go there and be with her, and listen to what she is saying. Tell me.

Originally Posted by carenkh

I want it! I want it! But I had to stop wanting, because the answer was always, always, always NO. Only I didn't stop wanting - they just didn't SEE that I wanted. I was such a good, polite girl. I always did the right thing - always. But I couldn't express my true human self.

I'm unimportant, I'm nothing. I'm nothing. If I can be nothing, I'll be OK. I can stop wanting if I can stop BEing. If I just inhale enough of this water, I'll drown, then I won't be any more. But, dammit, I want to live. A part of me wants to live. So I did.

Give me some words to try on for "I am" because I'm drawing a blank every time I go there. And I laugh, because I'm hiding from myself. duh.

Originally Posted by carenkh

I have something over my mouth, too, probably a hand. So I can't say what I am. I'm scared to do that.

That was, essentially, the end of our conversation last night. We have an appointment to talk by phone this weekend.

And, yes, I'm feeling incredibly vulnerable to post this here. BUT - I am me, and ultimately, I have nothing to hide.

[seeker5]

And, yes, I'm feeling incredibly vulnerable to post this here. BUT - I am me, and ultimately, I have nothing to hide.

I'm grateful for your posts, it's been very enlightening and very interesting to see this process. Kudos to your courage!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by carenkh

And, yes, I'm feeling incredibly vulnerable to post this here. BUT - I am me, and ultimately, I have nothing to hide.

Not only are you incredibly brave and doing wonderfully, but you are helping out a lot of people by sharing this process. There is someone who will see herself in this, or be encouraged to look at his own past, or find the strength to confront old pain. You are amazing.

[seeker5]

Oh, yeah and Caren, thanks to your thread, yesterday I realized I did have a deep bad negative belief that really hinders me - a negative self belief different from yours, but along the same line. So, your thread has been very helpful to me

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Not only are you incredibly brave and doing wonderfully, but you are helping out a lot of people by sharing this process. There is someone who will see herself in this, or be encouraged to look at his own past, or find the strength to confront old pain. You are amazing.

Originally Posted by seeker5

Oh, yeah and Caren, thanks to your thread, yesterday I realized I did have a deep bad negative belief that really hinders me - a negative self belief different from yours, but along the same line. So, your thread has been very helpful to me

That was my hope! I know there are people who don't post, but read here, whom this is helping.

I really, really, really appreciate your encouragement!!

[Rose of Cairo]

Hey Caren,

just wanted to check in on you and tell you how brave and wonderful you are. I thank you for sharing this process, in the name of everybody who reads it. What you're doing is truly grand.

Originally Posted by carenkh

Give me some words to try on for "I am" because I'm drawing a blank every time I go there. And I laugh, because I'm hiding from myself. duh.

I can relate to that. When I was working with Angela I had the same fear of saying that Word, it was like jumping from a cliff if I said it! I think just like me you know what it is, inside, and it has to come out of you when you're ready for it, not from someone else.

Big hug to you. Just hang in there, we're with you.

[Lauxa]

Hi Caren, just wanted to add my encouragement and to say thank you so much for making this public.

[jfrancis]

Caren, thank you for posting. I am in an oddly similar situation with a similar trigger. Floodgates. I am having trouble sorting through both the deeper things (old pain: neglect from my father) and the more immediate (and newly precarious) relationships in my life. The timing on all of this has made for an intense situation, but the timing of your posting is perfect. What I want to be most of all is brave in all this, and kudos to you for being so!

[Parthon]

Hi caren.

I just wanted to say that you have a tremendous amount of courage and I just want to wish you the best.

On the other side of the exercise is a freedom you can't imagine, a freedom from yourself, the past and all limitations, it's unbelievable!

If you get stuck, just dig down into that deep well of courage of yours and power through. I know you can do it.

[uberinquisitive]

I'm not convinced you truly feel you are worthless. Without a doubt, you have a fundamental sense of what was fair for you. People who truly feel worthless don't have this sense.

Sounds more like - you have an innate sense of self-worth. However, the world (when you were a child) treated you in a way that made you feel worthless. This discrepancy has brought you a lot of confusion, cognitive dissonance, anger.

Are you deeply invested in your identity as "worthless"? How is it working for you?
Does it give you excuses not to be courageous?
Does it give you room to be a smaller person, because you have an excuse?
Do you get sympathy that you feel you wouldn't get otherwise?

[Omkazn]

Hello Caren,

I'd like to share a bit of experience I've had with problems self-esteem. From your first post, I noticed you felt self-loathing only when you started to compare yourself to this new man you like, who comes from a life of privilege and wealth.

The real problem however is not what happened to you in your past, but how you interpret your current world. It seems to me that you view your current world from your past experience, like your parents not acknowledging your presence, not coming from wealth and not having all these things. But many people have had your experience, it isn't a ticket to a life of more poverty and worthless though.

It simply means that you've had some bad experiences in life. Mindset is all about meaning. All that needs to change is how you want to interpret the meaning of your past experiences and deciding whether they are a factor in your life now. If you compare what you have and what you've experienced with other people's, you will always fall short. No matter how rich you are, there will always be someone richer. No matter how happy you are, there will always be someone happier. Comparisons are pointless and endless if we engage in them. What really is a measure of worth is whether what you do is meaningful to you. Regardless of what is external, whether it be opinions, judgements or advice from other people. Even people who are well intended often do not give the best advice. Because the perfect advice doesn't exist.

I suggest you do something that you like to do, that you find enjoyable, a hobby, sport or a game. Once you start to enjoy the things YOU are doing, guys won't care where you came from, or how much money you have, because you won't care.

[NightSpirit]

It's great you have the structure of Angela's help to face the pain. I didn't have such help but I want to encourage you than we all go through similar times as adults in facing what formed us and our thought patterns. There is peace on the other side of this. Psalm 126:5 "They that sow in tears shall reap in joy" is my prayer for you.

[dancer]

Caren,

You are extremely brave and I admire your courage. Thank you for sharing. I support you.

xoxo

[carenkh]

Well - dang.

I had written out some things about Angela's and my phone call, and as I was typing, it changed to a completely different web page! I was just typing, in the message box, and suddenly I was on a different site. And what I had written totally disappeared - it's not in my history, I couldn't get to it using the back key, etc.

That is eerie.

I have to work now - but WILL BE posting an update soon, with details about the call - no matter what my subconscious self says. Well, unless I look inside, and it doesn't feel right to post. I'll let you know if that happens.

[Lauxa]

Heh. You might already know this, but a good tip for writing a long post is to never use the text box but use a text editor program like Notepad instead. Of course, it can be hard to remember to do this. Looking forward to your update!

[carenkh]

Phone call between Angela and me:

I had the strongest urge to drink coffee before we spoke! My son has bottles of iced coffee here, and I kept going back and forth about drinking one. I know coffee is effective at blocking certain emotions for me; it also inhibits my intuition, so I didn't *really* want to drink it, but that desire was there. I'm glad I didn't! I was fully present.

The first thing that happened was Angela asked me to fill in the blank, "I am _______." I had not thought any more about that, or "worked" on it in any way; I knew we would do that during our conversation. When I told her I kept drawing a blank (ha! drawing. You'll see why that's funny later.), she said it might be that I just wasn't ready for that part of her coaching.

When she said that, all those junior-highish feelings of not being good enough came right to the surface. We explored that, and I got in touch with that feeling. In part of the exploring, I mentioned that I had a hard time posting about some stuff on the Pavlina forum, money management in particular. It's hard to write how I sometimes have difficulties just making ends meet when there are so many people here at such a different place in their lives. I don't manage money well, and that's embarrassing!

Immediately as we were talking about that, I got in touch with a very young part of myself. I was crying, saying, "But I can't do it! I don't know how! I don't know how! And nobody's helping me, 'cause I'm ALL ALONE!" sob, sob, sob - it was very intense. Angela's a very safe space to be vulnerable like that, and honest. So - I am alone. THAT was the "I am..." I knew there was something underneath that, but I wasn't in touch with it.

Angela suggested we go with "I am alone", since it was obviously a deep trigger for me. She asked if I could trust that we would uncover what else might be there, when it was time to do so. I could! She asked about the first time I could remember deciding “I am alone.” She mentioned being six or so, but I told her I knew it was much earlier than that. When my oldest son was born, I intuitively knew not to make him sleep alone, in his crib. This was certainly different than I had planned – I had never heard of co-sleeping; it just felt very, very wrong to leave him alone there. He slept SO much better curled up on my chest! At that point, I realized how damaging it had been to me, that I had been left alone to “cry it out” in my crib when I was an infant. I couldn't form the words “I am alone” but that truth became part of my very cells and being. An infant is communicating the only way they know how, and are capable of – crying – and to have that be ignored just teaches the child that no one will come when they ask for help. Even if someone comes when they believe the child needs help, like they're about to be hurt or something - if you don't respond to the child's needs, as they express them, there will be a part of them that will believe they are alone, no matter what. I internalized that belief.

Angela asked if it was true if I was alone. I said I remembered getting to a point one time where I realized that even with tons of loving support around me, I am me, and ultimately, it's just going to be me, feeling my feelings. There's no one else inside me. She asked what that meant, and I immediately got a picture of other people, feeling their feelings deep inside them – and that was what connected us. I could see a line from one cloud of feeling deep in one person, connecting them to a cloud of feeling deep inside another, and all those lines made webs between everyone. I was very surprised by that! But I love that image, it brought a lot of comfort. Yes, I'm the only one to have had my experiences, as me, and only I can feel my feelings, but the feelings themselves are where a connection lies with others.

I can't exactly remember the chronology of all we said – I do remember we were going to further explore “I am alone” but I had a picture in my head, and I wanted to explore that. I asked Angela to wait, and I started telling her what I was seeing. I could see myself, alone (! of course), but it wasn't exactly me. It was the shape of me, but was just a black silhouette. I tried to become that silhouette, to feel what was going on, and I felt myself, as a child, turning part of myself inward, inward, inward, until I was no longer present. I had completely hidden myself away, so I wouldn't have to be present to what was going on around me, and to what was happening to me. I said, “I'm gone. I don't have to be here.” Angela said, “I am not here.” and that brought the biggest hit yet. I just cried and cried. (Note if you plan on working with Angela: Have tissues handy for the phone call!)

I was really feeling that part of me that I had hidden from everyone, very young. Angela has said it's not helpful to continue to separate those parts in my mind, that that's still creating disconnection and distance, but it's easiest for me to talk about it that way here. There was the me-that-was-here and the me-that-was-hidden. As I was crying and crying, I was asking, “Is this OK? Is it OK if I'm not here? Will you still love me? Do you still love me? Even if I can't be here?” Very, very little self. (hugs to little self) This was some deep, deep stuff happening. And I'm brave for going there! For 42 years, I haven't accessed that part of me.

I'm going to stop here, because I need to walk the dog and start work. Part 2 soon! Angela – if there's anything you want to add, feel free. You'll know in your gut if it's OK to share, and if you believe it's OK, then it is.

I do want to say that the ability to feel my feelings and tell Angela exactly what I was feeling was vital to this process. If I had not shared my shame in possibly not being ready for this coaching, we wouldn't have gotten to where we did. Being in the moment, feeling what I'm feeling, and communicating that without editing: very, very important.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Love and hugs to little self and to you brave woman.