I am insecure and intolerant. Crap...

[25AndJustBeginning]

I am insecure. As a result I am intolerant of people. I get tense every time I deal w/ people. My way is the only right way. In fact, that's not even true because I question & criticize myself constantly.

As (another) result, I am no fun to be around and difficult to work with. In addition, I'm constantly tense. This trait cost me a girlfriend and I'd really like to change it but it seems kinda hopeless. Any suggestions?

Thx...

[Dan.Linehan]

What are your goals in life? Where do you want to be in one year? In three years?

[25AndJustBeginning]

I really don't have any goals. I kinda just flounder in life and go through the motions, really. How do you live your life? I know that's broad, but what kinds of thoughts do you have daily? What do you remind yourself of? How do you remind yourself? What about motivation?

I have trouble finding interest in things. I also have trouble motivating myself. I talk myself out of doing everything that interests me. I started taking Wellbutrin about a month ago and I've noticed an improvement but only slightly. I've also been more in control of myself. Not as much as I think I could be, but more.

What are some of your goals? How did you choose them? Do you ever second guess them?

[25AndJustBeginning]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

What are your goals in life? Where do you want to be in one year? In three years?

...What does this have to do w/ being insecure and intolerant (and regularly irritable)??????

[25AndJustBeginning]

In fact, I feel constantly rushed, like I can't slow down to the moment. If I try then I just end up dumb, not utilizing my full capabilities. I'm always rushed, tho. It's like I don't have time for anything, even when I don't have anything to do!

[brendannz]

I think your frustrations with other people probably have to do with your relationship with yourself as you said something about self criticism. One exercise you could do, is to choose 5 people important to you in your life, and choose yourself as well, and write down 5 positive traits about those people, and yourself as well. Maybe it will make you appreciate peoples good traits more, rather than see the bad in people, if that seems like a waste of time, maybe 25 good traits about yourself will be useful. Another thing is you seem like you are constantly rushing and seem stressed, so you could try meditation. Maybe you just need a break, a getaway from everything. You could plan a weekend trip to a place by nature, or even just a day trip, I live in London and am new to London, and I found when I was stressed about looking for work and getting my life started, a day trip away to Bath really helped me a lot. Go hiking in the bush maybe, spend time by a lake. But anyway, these are just suggestions which may be pointless. But my evaluation is, that you need to relax and slow down, and love yourself more. Good luck in your self improvement

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by 25AndJustBeginning

I really don't have any goals. I kinda just flounder in life and go through the motions, really.

I'd be pissed off and insecure too - if I was living that way.

Originally Posted by 25AndJustBeginning

How do you live your life? I know that's broad, but what kinds of thoughts do you have daily? What do you remind yourself of? How do you remind yourself? What about motivation?

Well, that's a long story. Short answer, I imagine the perfect life I would like to live, and then I work towards that, in incremental steps.

Originally Posted by 25AndJustBeginning

I have trouble finding interest in things.

That's an issue. The more you're disinterested the more everybody will be disinterested in you.

Originally Posted by 25AndJustBeginning

I also have trouble motivating myself. I talk myself out of doing everything that interests me.

More specific? What did you talk yourself out of doing?

Originally Posted by 25AndJustBeginning

What are some of your goals? How did you choose them? Do you ever second guess them?

The goals almost chose me, rather than the other way around. When I worked in restaurants it was a dirty job, and I was super jealous of the easy living opportunities white collar jobs offered. It took me almost five years, but I eventually moved into a strong career in IT, and now I have a cushy job at a social services startup.

Now, I feel jealous of the contribution, raw honesty and freedom that people like Steve and Jeremy Scahill have in their lives. So my goals have shifted somewhat. I've reached the end of my IT career -- and I'll be moving in a different direction soon, but the path is not entirely clear just yet.

Sure I second guess myself -- but not as much as I used to. At least for me, the older I've gotten the more confidence I have in my own judgment. Also, I tend to look at things in binary when they seem to get too complex. Do I want to earn more money, or not? Own my own company or not? Travel, or not? Is it better to work out, or not? Then I work towards those choices.

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by 25AndJustBeginning

...What does this have to do w/ being insecure and intolerant (and regularly irritable)??????

Has everything to do with it. If you don't love your life and you aren't working towards any real goals you won't be very pleasant to be around.

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by 25AndJustBeginning

In fact, I feel constantly rushed, like I can't slow down to the moment. If I try then I just end up dumb, not utilizing my full capabilities. I'm always rushed, tho. It's like I don't have time for anything, even when I don't have anything to do!

Stop watching TV. Learn to be Ok with being bored now and then. See what happens. Relax. Meditate.

[DayInTheLife]

I had a lot of those traits once upon a time. Luckily, I read a book that pretty much killed a lot of those problems.

Changed my life, and triggered a lot of other positive changes too.

Amazon.com: Don't Sweat the Small Stuff--and it's all small stuff (Don't Sweat the Small Stuff Series): Richard Carlson: Books

[Calimero]

I have some more questions.

What does it do to you when other people have critics on you?
When they give positive feedback what do you feel?
When they say rather negative things about you what do you feel?

If you do something, no matter if it is in a rush and it is finished. Can you judge yourself if you did your work well or not?
How often do you think that you did a nice job?
How often do you think that the job you did is not good at all?

What do you feel when people judge different on your work than you do yourself?

Do you have a lot of imagination?
Can you be alone for a long time without any companion around?

I think that is enough to start from.

And no I am not a shrink or something.

I just read that you struggle with things that I have struggled with as well. And the part of "having the feeling that you have to rush all the time" is one that I am still working on but is going the good direction for me.

[ilovetoday]

I agree that goals are important to what you feel and how you act with other people. I have been drifting through life the last 3 years now I have a goal and my WHY statement (a number of goals actually but one major one to focus on).

When I was drifting and had no goals I use to be very very insecure about my self worth and thinking why participate in conversations when everything I say will be written off as stupid.

At work (my job includes a lot of personal relations) I would be an excellent conversationalist, talk to people ask them all about theirselves, get them to laugh and talk back. Then I would step outside of work and I would become a quiet shy and insecure person.

Now I have a clear goal and WHY and am consistently working towards it I find that I am positive and relaxed most of the time. Even though some situations I still get nervouse, overall I have improved vastly and will continue to improve. I know that I value myself and I expect value off others and if I do not recieve it or someone is needlessly rude and writes off something I say I do not want approval from a person like that.