Superiority and Attachment to Excellence

[pianoperformer]

Hi,

All my posts seem to be quite long when I'm posting a thread, so please bear with me as I try to explain what I want to get across.

I have been realizing lately that I have somewhat of a problem with superiority. That is, I sometimes feel superior, arrogant, etc, and it bothers me a great deal because I hate others with the same attitude.

I think it has mostly been because everything I have done in my life thus far has been pretty much a great success. If I do something, it is always much above average. People sometimes tease me, or downright get angry, when I voice my worry about getting less than a 3.8 (low boundary, preferably 4.0), mostly because I know many in the fraternity in which I am a member, who have 2.x's GPA's. I know that if I ever got less than a 3.5, i'd feel such shame and embarrassment and would probably have a lot of trouble admitting it to anyone. The worst part is that I hardly have to study to maintain my current level, though I am trying to increase my studying just to make sure I maintain it.

Anyway it's not only about school. I'm great at math, piano, programming, writing, etc, too. That's why I had such trouble choosing a major, since I'm much above average at anything I try to do. That's not to brag, that's just the truth.

But I realize that I identify too much with these things. I fear greatly getting below a 3.5 GPA, or heck even below 4.0. I've kept a 4.0 streak going throughout my first year of college, and so each semester it's been quite stressful trying to manage everything in such a way that I got absolutely nothing below an A in any class. It does make me feel bad because I know those who are close to failing out or at least getting suspended from the fraternity because of their grades.

I can't imagine it. I can't relate with it at all. I think such people are just lazy. But I'm lazy, too, so I don't know what it is. But the superiority comes in because I think if I can get a 4.0, certainly anyone can at least be on the Dean's list.

I think I have this fear of just being average. I have this fear of just having a regular job or something, and not really standing out in any meaningful way.

This all bugs me. I think it's been engrained since childhood. I got straight A's through at least the first 7 years of school, and then after that was at least always on the honor roll. I felt the pressure and expectation from everyone, because I was and am the great student. Most of all I felt that pressure from my mom, because her opinion always has meant the most to me. She always of course said it didn't matter to her what I got, as long as I tried my hardest, but I knew it wasn't true. She enjoyed bragging about how great I did in school, and at everything.

Then there was the piano, which I was also great at. I won first place in every talent show at school, every year for about 8 years. One time, I was a bit too blase about the whole thing, and played a piece well below my level, and didn't even place. I never again competed in the talent shows, until two in college, that is, in which again I placed first both times. so, this was also more pressure.

I became apathetic in high school, and slacked off in my sophomore and junior years. I beat myself up over this, and became rather depressed, which pushed me down even more, making my grades worsen further. It was a vicious cycle I couldn't escape until my senior year partially, and definitely now in college, when I feel like I got a fresh start.

When I say my grades worsened, I still had a 3.54 at the end of my junior year, which was the lowest my QPA had ever been, but still, I realize, far above what some get. I graduated with something slightly above 3.7, and I'm embarrassed about it. I'm also even slightly regretful about the university I attend (Duquesne University), because I feel like if I hadn't slacked off for those two years, I could be in a much better university right now.

I think that strengthens my conviction even more now to really maintain everything at their above average levels, as they are right now. I don't want to fall to those levels I was at in high school again, and I want to get into the best graduate school I can after graduating from Duquesne.

I don't think it shows in my social interactions too much, or at least I hope not, but I do feel it, and I don't like to. It's stressful to try to maintain perfection, or at least as close to it as I have been with what I have done. At least if someone gets mostly A's and B's and does pretty well at most things, they don't have to be stressed about it, because they don't have much of a level to maintain. But if you have perfection, at least as far as grades are concerned, and have excellence with many other things, well you definitely feel a pressure to keep it up. I mean, it only takes one B to break this level, so every class must be absolutely mastered in order to stay where I am.

So, I don't know what to do. I dont' want to lower my level, certainly, but perhaps just not become so attached to it. I want to care and try to do well, but not have to do excellently.

Again, I apologize for the long post, per usual. I am quite wordy in most things, lol.

[amixa]

ok. so I've been on both sides. I used to want to be perfect at everything. I enjoyed school and wanted to strive and achieve the best. However most of that became tainted as I grew older as I realized my dad pushed me *too* far, asking me where the other 2% was instead of saying congratulations for getting 98%! This isn't the case for you.. but it may be the case for others.

Anyway, you said you don't want to think that others are lazy or stupid but it just seems to creep into your mind anyway. I think most people HAVE the potential to do well in school. There are numerous reasons why they don't.

1. The way school is set up now is very one sided. People learn in different ways. Not all people can learn in that set up. Many people are hands on or visual learners. I for one, did amazing in elementary school. As years progressed I started falling asleep in classes and I thought there was something wrong with me. Thankfully I had that one class I was put in when I was in elementary school to learn music theory with a bunch of highschool students. I'd fall asleep in that class and I did terrible in my final exam.
What's the reason for it? Mostly I think its the lack of colour stimulation for my brain to be fully awake in classes. In elementary school we'd have recess, and time to play with colourful toys, so my brain seemed to do well in that environment.

2. People have their priorities. Many people don't feel that school is their main priority in life. Its their choice. If they don't want to focus on school then they will focus on something else. It doesn't mean they're lazy -- its mostly lack of interest. I'm not saying there aren't lazy people out there, because there are.. but it isn't the only reason why people don't always strive to get As.

3. It wasn't emphasized in their home life when growing up as being important. Some families don't bother encouraging their children to really bother with school. I know my relatives on one side of the family.. well not all but many want you to be happy over doing well in school. If doing well in school makes you happy then do it, but it isn't for everyone. They also don't have the opportunity to continue with school sometimes, in other countries the learning process is more strict.
Also I read in an article that many children from low income families are only encouraged to go so far.. like to just finish highschool and work, or go to community college etc. higher income families tend to push their children for universities.

4. Ok. So not everyone is as smart as you... so what? I have this conversation with my boyfriend who has an IQ of 130. Not everyone is equipped with a beautifully perfect body are they? Or perfectly athletic.. or are handicapped in different ways. Its like getting frustrated with people who aren't naturally artistic... or me getting frustrated with people who can't hear me properly because they've lost some of their hearing.
There are different types of 'smart'. There is book smart -- which you definitely have. There is 'life smart' as in people are smarter in social situations, which can work for people and get them in high paying jobs as well. There is 'artistic smart'. And so on.

I hoped this has helped with your perception on wanting to understand the 'other non-perfect side to life'

[PianoManGidley]

First off, getting bad grades isn't the end of the world. If you've already performed less than your best and are still around to tell the tale, then you obviously know that slacking off isn't going to kill you. There's this whole superficial notion that you're supposed to go to college and get good grades so you can graduate well which will land you a good-paying job so you can be happy and secure financially.

Steve has taught us this whole facade is just malarky. Think of all the people who have never graduated college--or even high school--and have been successful and happy in their lives. Now think of all the people--like myself--who DO graduate well from college (I graduated Magna Cum Laude), and are still living at home with their parents, unemployed or working minimum-wage jobs.

I barely feel like getting into everything that's wrong with our current educational system, but I'll try to sum it up:

1. Theory of Multiple Intelligences is not applied
2. Kids are taught to learn in only one manner, when we all learn different ways
3. School is SUPPOSED to prepare us for the real world, but how many classes have you taken on how to file your taxes or what to do in a job interview or how to deal with relationship issues?
4. Public schools these days (at least grade school) are more like prisons than places of enlightening education.
5. Our current education structure is based on a Prussian system that's hundreds of years old and designed to churn out not critical thinkers, but good workers and good soldiers--slaves of the mind and therefore of their government.

That's all I can think of for now...but yeah. As for your level of ability, how do you feel you compare to the likes of Emmanual Ax or other such giants of your specializations? There will ALWAYS be someone--usually multiple someones--far better than you, and at multiple things, too. You want to feel humble? Find those who are better than you at what you feel you're so superior.

[pianoperformer]

amixa,

Thanks for your reply. I do see your point.

Welll, regarding your second point, I guess it doesn't have to be a priority, but generally in our society, to get far, you usually have to get a college degree. to get a college degree, you have to do well in school. The better you do, the better college you can get into. The better college you graduate from, the better job you can get. There are a few jobs that don't necessarily require a college degree, so I can see this point for those, but in general I think it is still needed.

Regarding the third point: For me, it wasn't that I was initially encouraged so much to do excellently, I just did, then was praised for it, then wanted to keep it up. Soon it became a habbit, and it was almost expected. No one held anything over my head saying I had to do this well. Now, it is myself providing the motivation to do well.

OK, I see your fourth point. But I still think that anyone can apply themselves and do well if they really want to. But I could be wrong. I mean, why are Asian students so well known for really excelling at school? Maybe it is the culture. Maybe we are too lax here.

Anyway, not only am I trying to squelch this feeling of superiority, but I also want to see how to be more detached about the whole thing. I am worried that if I am more detached, that I then won't do as well.

[pianoperformer]

PianoManGidley,

Well, I agree with most of what you are saying. I dont' know why I care so much. It is true though that my field does require college education, so there's not really much of an argument in that regard for me.

I have never even heard of Emmanual Ax. who's that?

Well, see if I knew someone who was much better than me, I would feel inspired usually to be like that person, and would work all the harder. Rarely does it make me feel humble, because I feel like I can do anything I want to do if I work hard enough.

[amixa]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

Welll, regarding your second point, I guess it doesn't have to be a priority, but generally in our society, to get far, you usually have to get a college degree. to get a college degree, you have to do well in school. The better you do, the better college you can get into. The better college you graduate from, the better job you can get. There are a few jobs that don't necessarily require a college degree, so I can see this point for those, but in general I think it is still needed.

Actually, there are MANY jobs that are available without college degrees. (You Americans make it confusing, as there is university and then there is college.. like community college.) There are many other community colleges that can offer hands on training for middle men jobs. Like Gidley said its this 'perfect path' our society loves to publicize.. but it makes many people feel like crap for not following it because that is the 'dream' or so they say.

Also a lot of people tend to hire people who may have some skills.. but are willing to learn the rest if they don't have it, so not getting a university degree is FAR from important. If you want to get somewhere you still will but you'll do it through another path.

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

Regarding the third point: For me, it wasn't that I was initially encouraged so much to do excellently, I just did, then was praised for it, then wanted to keep it up. Soon it became a habbit, and it was almost expected. No one held anything over my head saying I had to do this well. Now, it is myself providing the motivation to do well.

Well, not everyone has been encouraged to do well in school for them to have to do well in school. I know people who came from really unfortunate troubled homes and they enjoyed school and did well.

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

OK, I see your fourth point. But I still think that anyone can apply themselves and do well if they really want to. But I could be wrong. I mean, why are Asian students so well known for really excelling at school? Maybe it is the culture. Maybe we are too lax here.

Yes, it is the culture. They are pushed and I had asian friends who said they hate it and it isn't their race or anything like that. It is very stressful to them. As I said some societies have harder schooling systems NOT to make people excell -- but to do the opposite. Especially in China.. but other countries like Malta .. they make the children take exams at several points during their school career. If they don't pass they can't go on to the next level. They do this on purpose to make sure they still have people to work in the labour industry.
I have heard the pressure is so high in one asian country and I'm sure others as well students commit suicide because they are that worried over grades.

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

Anyway, not only am I trying to squelch this feeling of superiority, but I also want to see how to be more detached about the whole thing. I am worried that if I am more detached, that I then won't do as well.

you can be just as successfull even with detachment. Do you have to be 'the best'? Have you ever been a leader in something other then school grades or competitions? To take on leadership roles is hard. You're in the spotlight, you get critisized, and you can see that they always screw up in some form or another. Even leaders are never perfect. And that's fine.
I still strive to be a good artist.. I do pressure myself, but I don't look down on people who I may not like their painting style, or maybe their skills aren't so developed (in my opinion).. because they don't paint as often as I do. I still do just as well. I think its a matter of diminishing your competitive nature. Its ok to be competitive. But to be so outwardly competitive that you are looking down on other people is not such an appealing characteristic so it is probably good to work on humbling your opinions on others around you and if you want to do well then go for it. Only worry about yourself.

[pianoperformer]

Originally Posted by amixa

Actually, there are MANY jobs that are available without college degrees. (You Americans make it confusing, as there is university and then there is college.. like community college.) There are many other community colleges that can offer hands on training for middle men jobs. Like Gidley said its this 'perfect path' our society loves to publicize.. but it makes many people feel like crap for not following it because that is the 'dream' or so they say.

I never denied it was possible to be successful without it. But having a degree really increases your chances, and education is important to me. I like to learn as much as I can.

And again, in my field, it is absolutely necessary.

Originally Posted by amixa

Well, not everyone has been encouraged to do well in school for them to have to do well in school. I know people who came from really unfortunate troubled homes and they enjoyed school and did well.

So what's your point? I'm just saying that this is part of the reason I've always felt the need to do excellently.

Originally Posted by amixa

Yes, it is the culture. They are pushed and I had asian friends who said they hate it and it isn't their race or anything like that. It is very stressful to them. As I said some societies have harder schooling systems NOT to make people excell -- but to do the opposite. Especially in China.. but other countries like Malta .. they make the children take exams at several points during their school career. If they don't pass they can't go on to the next level. They do this on purpose to make sure they still have people to work in the labour industry.
I have heard the pressure is so high in one asian country and I'm sure others as well students commit suicide because they are that worried over grades.

Again you missed my point. I neither said it was their race, nor that it wasn't hard on them. But even those who go to school in America still have the same dedication to work, and our school system is definitely not like their's. My point was that I think anyone can do really well if they want to. I have been raised to believe that one can do anything if one really wants to, and this belief has taken me far. I believe it applies to others as well.

Originally Posted by amixa

you can be just as successfull even with detachment. Do you have to be 'the best'?

Well, I want to be as good as I possibly can be. Last time I tried to detach from the results, my grades plummeted.

[quote=amixa;204222]Have you ever been a leader in something other then school grades or competitions? To take on leadership roles is hard. You're in the spotlight, you get critisized, and you can see that they always screw up in some form or another. Even leaders are never perfect. And that's fine.[/quote

I hold a chair position in my fraternity. Yes I know that leaders are criticized quite frequently, and that they can't please everyone.

Originally Posted by amixa

I still strive to be a good artist.. I do pressure myself, but I don't look down on people who I may not like their painting style, or maybe their skills aren't so developed (in my opinion).. because they don't paint as often as I do. I still do just as well. I think its a matter of diminishing your competitive nature. Its ok to be competitive. But to be so outwardly competitive that you are looking down on other people is not such an appealing characteristic so it is probably good to work on humbling your opinions on others around you and if you want to do well then go for it. Only worry about yourself.

Well I'm not saying I look down on others so that I may do better. I'm saying that I pressure myself, and that in doing so well, I sometimes look down on others.

[amixa]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

And again, in my field, it is absolutely necessary.

yes. in your field it is clearly necessary. there are many other exceptions though

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

Again you missed my point. I neither said it was their race, nor that it wasn't hard on them. But even those who go to school in America still have the same dedication to work, and our school system is definitely not like their's. My point was that I think anyone can do really well if they want to. I have been raised to believe that one can do anything if one really wants to, and this belief has taken me far. I believe it applies to others as well.

I did not miss your point. I just included race and that it was hard on them just because. I do understand and I do believe that if someone wants to do something if they put the time and effort they can do it. It does apply to most as well but again not everyone was born with a great brain.

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

Well I'm not saying I look down on others so that I may do better. I'm saying that I pressure myself, and that in doing so well, I sometimes look down on others.

I know you're not saying you look down on people so that you can do better. Its not in people's interest, its not important for them to strive to do better in school. Again, their priorities lie in different areas in life. Not everyone is lazy -- but many people are.

[pianoperformer]

Amixa,

We already discussed this at length in IM, but I'm replying here as well just to clarify my position and feeling.

Originally Posted by amixa

yes. in your field it is clearly necessary. there are many other exceptions though

I'm pretty sure that a degree gives you a better chance to do better. There are many jobs that might accept someone without a degree, but in such cases, I think a degree might either allow you to get paid more in a similar job, or to have a different or more desirable position in that job.

Originally Posted by amixa

I did not miss your point. I just included race and that it was hard on them just because. I do understand and I do believe that if someone wants to do something if they put the time and effort they can do it. It does apply to most as well but again not everyone was born with a great brain.

I understand that, and actually it's something I've thought about, as it doesn't seem fair. I don't know if it is just that they don't have the potential, or that they are so used to doing just average that this is how they keep doing.

Originally Posted by amixa

I know you're not saying you look down on people so that you can do better. Its not in people's interest, its not important for them to strive to do better in school. Again, their priorities lie in different areas in life. Not everyone is lazy -- but many people are.

See I can't imagine that though. You must admit that our society really focuses on a good education, and so those without it suffer. A few might slip through the cracks and are able to succeed without it, but I really think that this is the exception. therefore it would be in everyone's best interest to do as well as one can.

Education and learning are very important to me. I think that education allows one to become a more well-rounded person, because one is exposed to many varying subjects and can learn just about anything one wants.

Further, the more education one has, the more one thinks for oneself. surely this is desirable. It is proven I believe that there is a negative correlation between education and religiosity. that is, the more education one has, the more likely one is to be Atheist. That's not to say everyone should be Atheist, but that people with more education tend to think for oneself, and apply logic and reason more.

But, I dont' want this thread to turn into a debate about whether or not people should go to college.

[pianoperformer]

Does anyone else have any suggestions about this? It is really aggrevating.

There are essentially two issues here:

• The feeling of superiority
• The need for perfection

[pianoperformer]

I will bump this one more time, then will leave it alone if still no one replies. I would really like to see how I can resolve this, though.

If something I have said is unclear, please ask me and I'll try to clarify. But please, any advice would be really appreciated.

[Dan.Linehan]

I'm not trying to oversimplify this. But what's wrong with just doing your best, in earnest?

That way you don't have to compare with other people, and you don't have to be perfect. You just do your best.

[dancer]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

Does anyone else have any suggestions about this? It is really aggrevating.

There are essentially two issues here:

• The feeling of superiority
• The need for perfection

The resolution to these issues might lie in why you have a need to feel superior and perfection. What does superiority and perfection say to you?

[pianoperformer]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

I'm not trying to oversimplify this. But what's wrong with just doing your best, in earnest?

That way you don't have to compare with other people, and you don't have to be perfect. You just do your best.

That's what I want to do—I mean to just do my best. It's not that I think I have to necessarily compare myself to others, but it is just an effect. I do often feel like I have to be perfect, though, which is the problem.


There is nothing wrong with what you say, but it is hard to try to suddenly think like that.

[pianoperformer]

Originally Posted by dancer

The resolution to these issues might lie in why you have a need to feel superior and perfection. What does superiority and perfection say to you?

I think the need is mostly just for perfection, or as close as I can get. I don't know why I am like that. Perhaps because I think that's the only way to ensure that I get where I want to go. for instance, getting excellent grades in college would ensure being able to get into an excellent grad school. I want to do the absolute best that I can. I don't settle for average, again I don't know why. I think it's stupid to settle for something below one's abilities.

I also think I need to learn as much as I can so that I can use it later to do something with my life. I want to accomplish, something. Otherwise I'll feel like it had been a waste.

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

There is nothing wrong with what you say, but it is hard to try to suddenly think like that.

Our society tends to demand we compare ourselves to others, all the time. Throughout school, on standardized tests, in the workplace, on social networks. It's become deeply ingrained, especially because we bill ourselves as a capitalist meritocracy.

At a certain point I felt like started to run out of people to compare myself to though. And you're right, that's a strange, scary feeling. Unfortunately, when I tried to describe it to other people it mostly just came across as sounding like I had a big ego.

Imagine, for a moment, a friend of yours who seems to have it all together. Then imagine he is telling you he's really concerned about being so much more talented than everyone else. You'd probably just think he was just totally full of himself.

You can't look externally for the answer here. This is a question of how you relate and interact with other people -- and the answer to how you do that stems from the ideas, beliefs and values you hold within your own consciousness. You have to look inside yourself to choose your reactions consciously. One of my beliefs is that it's important for me to do my best, in earnest. It's partially a variation on very old wisdom -- know thyself. And it's partially from The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

The Four Agreements are:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Is it hard to suddenly think like that? Sometimes, sure. It's not as difficult once you familiarize yourself with your triggers though. And this way of thinking, like anything else, becomes habitualized when practiced enough.

When you start to feel stressed out because you feel superior to others, or stressed out because you feel like you have to be perfect, remind yourself that what really matters is that you are doing your best, hone back in on that idea. Reaffirm to yourself that what is truly important is that you continue to do your best. Feeling superior or perfectionistic doesn't contribute to doing your best longterm.