The ultimatum

[Lauxa]

I have been doing so good recently at controlling my anger... most of the time anyways... but tonight was rough. I have no one to talk to about this, so I hope y'all don't mind me putting it up here...

Basically this guy that I am working on a project with gave me an ultimatum and then -- when I said I wouldn't respond to his juvenile threats -- thoroughly bitched me out. It seemed to stem from a miscommunication about expectations of roles on the project. I could see his point of view and so I decided to accede to his demands... but it made me so angry the way he just demeaned me and treated me like dirt.

I tried very hard while carrying out the task he demanded (it took about an hour) to stay in the present moment. I sang some prayers. My mind just kept snapping back, wanting to dwell on my perceived mistreatment and justifying my own actions (which were not perfect either).

Basically, afterwards I came back and then offered my own ultimatum. Which really was not fair, because the project includes more people who would also be affected. But if it is okay for one team member to be setting ultimatums, then I think it should be all right for all.

Also, after I had carried out his demands, he was all happy and smiley and "la la la, see how charming I can be if you don't p*ss me off?" Which made me even angrier. I told him that I did not agree that the way he had treated me was acceptable. We got into a short argument about who had wronged whom, but neither of us really wanted to go too deep into that can of worms.

Anyhow, I have been directing the pent-up energy into cleaning and stuff like that because I felt too wound up to sleep. But now there is nothing more to be done (not exactly true, but nothing more I want to do tonight).

I was feeling so angry, absolutely filled to the brim with rage, just wanting to go kick his head in, break stuff, even turn my anger on myself and hurt myself if I couldn't get at him. I was trying so hard to just feel the anger and not fight it, stay present, not get caught up in it, but I was struggling guys.

And then I remembered something, from when I was feeling so happy and peaceful and wondering if it were really possible to always feel that way and almost hoping for a bigger test to see if I could handle it. Suddenly, my anger dissolved and my heart filled with gratitude. Gratitude that the Universe would send me this challenge.

This guy I am talking about? Is not a bad person. Really we are very good friends and I admire him very much, but he really knows how to push my buttons.

I think I can go to bed now and get some sleep. Thanks for listening.

[Angela]

That is awesome, Lauxa -- what a great big opportunity for you!

Has sleeping on it given you any insight about the nature of the button that got pushed? What's your pattern -- you hate being trapped, or powerless, or second-rate? Did you ever get that same feeling, whatever it is, when you were little -- maybe with your dad or some other adult?

You are right on the verge of a breakthrough from old pain. Congratulations!

[Lauxa]

Sleeping on it didn't really seem to help. I was able to quiet my mind and get to sleep fairly easily, but as soon as I woke up my mind just wanted to jump back on it. The biggest thing was thinking about the return ultimatum that I offered and whether I should have done that. Honestly, I don't think using ultimatums is a good strategy that is conducive to group harmony, but at the same time it chafes to think that he can get away with it and I cannot. What I would most prefer would be if we could all agree that hateful tirades and ultimatums are inappropriate and detrimental to the accomplishment of our mutual goals and he would apologize. Hahahaha HAHAHA! I'm not sure this guy could stand to ever be "wrong", or to apologize.

I hate being bullied, I hate being demeaned, I hate being told what to do. My dad was an authoritarian so I had some of that growing up. I have begun to realize recently that some of my patterns are still a rebellion against my dad. I adored my dad and we had a very close relationship, but I think I resented the amount of control he exercised over the family. I would throw HUGE fits as a teenager over being made to do minor chores and would spend the whole time fuming and stewing in my own anger and misery. To be able to do this thing after the way it was presented (you HAVE to do this OR ELSE) and to be able to be even slightly more present and less miserable was HUGE.

I think I am on the verge of a breakthrough. Why is it that challenges always have to be so challenging?

[Angela]

Boy, this all sounds familiar to me, Lauxa.

So, when you were a kid and you were being bullied and oppressed and resentful and angry and miserable, what did you decide was true about yourself? Like: "I am _____."

[Lauxa]

The first thing that comes to mind is "lazy".

Wow.

I never put those things together before.

[Lauxa]

Thought I would post an update here since I have been dealing with all sorts of aftermath ever since I posted this. I think I am finally on the upswing.

Basically, when I was able to ignore the feelings around this problem I would do all right. However, I was being confronted with big reminders almost every day this week and my feelings around the situation were powerlessness and rage. These feelings were shutting me down and making life very difficult.

And the shutting down I could see was somehow related to the nerve that Angela touched, the "I am lazy" belief, which I don't think is quite the right wording, maybe "I can't do it" or something to that effect.

Then also, I am somewhat bipolar. Either I am happy and on top of the world or I am VERY depressed, angry, enraged, etc. My husband says it is like the driver in my brain overcompensates when picking my emotional state, there is no baseline, it is either REALLY good or REALLY bad. I have never been clinically diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but I think that may have more to do with my deep distrust of doctors.

And this crash was about as bad as any has ever been. I think one of the defense mechanisms I have picked up is to slow down my momentum because if I go more slowly and cautiously then the crashes don't hurt so much, but I had picked up some good momentum before this one.

I was able to apply some new techniques that made things a bit easier to deal with. For one, I was able to identify with the "observer" and feel real love and compassion and gratitude for the "ego" who was going through this crisis and hurting so deeply. I didn't get caught in the trap of "I am my thoughts" and when the voice in my head began spouting "I hate you... I hate you... I hate you..." I was able to say in typical EFT phrasing "Even though I am caught up in these destructive thought patterns, I deeply and completely accept myself" ... and mean it. So that was very nice, to be able to draw on this internal source of love and compassion.

And I really felt like I turned the corner last night when reading through the last exercise in Ask and It Is Given which talks about "moving up the emotional scale". They have a list of 22 emotional states in order of highest to lowest. And while I won't duplicate the list here, I noticed that "revenge" is higher than "hatred/rage", which is where I had been stuck. And so last night, when my thoughts touched on that oh-so-sensitive subject, I purposely shifted my thoughts to revenge, which has previously been a forbidden emotion to me. And I am just amazed at how much more empowering revenge feels than rage, it is just a wonderful relief.

By the way, the point of this exercise is not to get stuck in revenge, but once I change my vibration to revenge I should have access to the next emotion up the scale and so on until I emerge at the top, at joy.