How to stop longing, and overcoming lust

[say]

Hi,

I'm in this state of mind: When I see a beautiful or just a nice girl my eyes get glassy, I go into a dreamy state where I just wish she would come into my life and make it better. I mean I'm almost having tears in my eyes right now just thinking about that.

It seems such a common state tho, doesn't it? Like the stuff you hear in cheesy songs... Tell you the truth, I've always been very fond of girls, more than your average guy. I don't know if it's a good thing or it's some complex (oedipus?). Anyway...

I'd like to switch from that.
I'd like to be the one who gives out love and doesn't feel like he needs it to move on.

I'm looking for some advice on how to switch to that different state of mind and to that different subjective reality.
I want to move on with my life and at the same time I'd like to be able to enjoy a relationship.

[Fullcrum]

I'd use my lust to talk to girls. Get that desire flowing and go!

You don't have to BS us with that Oedipus crap. Just accept your desire as a natural part of being human.

Instead of longing to talk to them, just talk to them. Have that strong desire. You'll probably feel even better.

And while doing that, take a positivity challenge where you say to yourself "I will feel good and have only positive thoughts for 10 days." If you mess up for more than 2 minutes, restart. But make an additional commitment to feel very good at all times. Check out some hypnosis stuff, go into a trance, become relaxed for 20 minutes everyday.

This will 1) Cultivate desire and 2) Help you become a positive person.

[Angela]

Oscar Wilde said:

The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.

[infinitethoughts]

Leave America to the Puritans and move to Australia.

[Daniel Becerra]

Make no excuse for your desire as a man. Like everyone said "Instead of desiring, just go and talk to them"

Getting a bigger success with them and lifting up your sex life will allow you to control that state of mind. It's really the only solution.

[Kaja]

The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama gave me the best answer to this: The constant desire is instinct. We are biologically programmed to want to survive, eat and to reproduce. And even if reproduction is not your primary motivation when you think about girls, it is the instinct that lies below it. So if Nature has made us this way, it cant be that wrong.

[Jarrod]

While you can keep the natural desire you should get rid of the dreamy state. Keep yourself more aware and ready to act.

Every time you catch yourself going into that state (or think you're about to go into it) focus on just taking the information in from the senses. This should keep you clear. Takes a bit of effort but worth it in my opinion.

[demk]

I have recently dealt with this by using a form of enquiry that is a variation on the Sedona Method. You desire something because you believe it will make you happy. Say one of these to yourself...

I need this person...
I want this person...
I want to be with this person...
I want this person to like me...
I want this person to approve of me

Say whichever feels most appropriate or maybe another that is more suited to how you experience your desire. As you say this to yourself, allow yourself to feel the feelings of desire. Then you flip over to the other polarity by saying...

Happiness comes from inside me, not from this person/having this person/being with this person/however you put it.

As you say this also allow yourself to feel it as much as you do in the moment, even if this isnt very much at first. Then allow yourself to go back and forth over the two different polarities and you will notice that they cancel out the negative feelings of want and desire.

Without desire you can simply appreciate people and be happy whether they approve of you or not. Hope this helps, and check out the Sedona Method its well worth it.

[javamannen2]

Why is it everytime someone asks for advice on how to free themselves from sexual/romantic addiction, immediately someone feels compelled to write a discouraging answer along the lines of "it's only natural instincts", "don't fight it, it's GOOD for you", "everyone does it", "go with the flow", "don't repress it, you'll only hurt yourself" etc?

Why not answer the same way when someone asks about overcoming a drug addiction ("Go with the flow, crack is GOOD for you, if it isn't then how come it feels so good?"), an eating disorder etc?

If someone says they have an addiction, then why not just take their word for it? Why try so hard to convince them that they don't?

[Jarrod]

Originally Posted by javamannen2

If someone says they have an addiction, then why not just take their word for it? Why try so hard to convince them that they don't?

I second that.

[september]

Originally Posted by demk

I have recently dealt with this by using a form of enquiry that is a variation on the Sedona Method. You desire something because you believe it will make you happy. Say one of these to yourself...

I need this person...
I want this person...
I want to be with this person...
I want this person to like me...
I want this person to approve of me

Say whichever feels most appropriate or maybe another that is more suited to how you experience your desire. As you say this to yourself, allow yourself to feel the feelings of desire. Then you flip over to the other polarity by saying...

Happiness comes from inside me, not from this person/having this person/being with this person/however you put it.

As you say this also allow yourself to feel it as much as you do in the moment, even if this isnt very much at first. Then allow yourself to go back and forth over the two different polarities and you will notice that they cancel out the negative feelings of want and desire.

Without desire you can simply appreciate people and be happy whether they approve of you or not. Hope this helps, and check out the Sedona Method its well worth it.

That's a neat way of doing it. Seems like useful advice the OP might have some luck with. Thanks for sharing that with us. *saves*

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by javamannen2

Why is it everytime someone asks for advice on how to free themselves from sexual/romantic addiction, immediately someone feels compelled to write a discouraging answer along the lines of "it's only natural instincts", "don't fight it, it's GOOD for you", "everyone does it", "go with the flow", "don't repress it, you'll only hurt yourself" etc?

Why not answer the same way when someone asks about overcoming a drug addiction ("Go with the flow, crack is GOOD for you, if it isn't then how come it feels so good?"), an eating disorder etc?

If someone says they have an addiction, then why not just take their word for it? Why try so hard to convince them that they don't?

Because having a sex drive is not an addiction. Its only bad when somebody commits sex crimes. But just wanting someone,lusting,the desire for sex,that is not an addiction,that is part of being a human being.

[javamannen2]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Because having a sex drive is not an addiction. Its only bad when somebody commits sex crimes. But just wanting someone,lusting,the desire for sex,that is not an addiction,that is part of being a human being.

Here we go again... it's only "part of being a human being". Well believe it or not, not for every human being

An unwanted habit or conditioned, unconscious response to a certain stimulus is per definition an addiction. The key word is unwanted. Sexual desires and impulses may not be a problem for you; you may even consider it to be something positive. But some people consider it a problem in their lives and want to do something about it. And it is possible to transmute that energy into "higher" states. Why do you insist on extrapolating your subjective experience to everyone else's?

Sexaholics Anonymous

[infinitethoughts]

Originally Posted by Jarrod

I second that.

From what the poster posted, I don't see an addiction.

[infinitethoughts]

Originally Posted by javamannen2

Here we go again... it's only "part of being a human being". Well believe it or not, not for every human being

It's cultural. Americans have a puratinal outlook on sex. The rest of the world knows it's natural and healthy.

AND. From what I've read from the original poster, they were not implying they were sex addicts.

[demk]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Because having a sex drive is not an addiction

Its an addiction to believing that happiness comes from outside of yourself, in this case the happiness you think you are getting is in the form of sex with another person. You never actually get happiness from the other person though, you just experience the situation you believe makes you happy and your ego allows yourself to experience some of your happiness which is actually your natural state. As long as you believe the happiness came from outside you then your ego is content. It doesnt want you to know that you can be happy at any point by simply letting go of desire because that means its destruction. Whenever you believe happiness is outside of you you create a block to your own happiness which you then unblock as a situation occurs which meets your beliefs about what makes you happy.

This is why letting go of desire makes you happy and why Buddha said the root cause of suffering is desire. Its an endless search for happiness where it can't be found. Its not outside of you its inside of you.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by javamannen2

Here we go again... it's only "part of being a human being". Well believe it or not, not for every human being

An unwanted habit or conditioned, unconscious response to a certain stimulus is per definition an addiction. The key word is unwanted. Sexual desires and impulses may not be a problem for you; you may even consider it to be something positive. But some people consider it a problem in their lives and want to do something about it. And it is possible to transmute that energy into "higher" states. Why do you insist on extrapolating your subjective experience to everyone else's?

Sexaholics Anonymous

But putting the word "unwanted" in front of it doesnt change the fact that you were born with this feeling. You cant say "my need to eat food is unwanted",thats just ridiculous. Humans were made to reproduce just like plants and animals. You shouldnt say any function of the human body is unwanted,you're pretty much saying you don't accept it then.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by demk

Its an addiction to believing that happiness comes from outside of yourself, in this case the happiness you think you are getting is in the form of sex with another person. You never actually get happiness from the other person though, you just experience the situation you believe makes you happy and your ego allows yourself to experience some of your happiness which is actually your natural state. As long as you believe the happiness came from outside you then your ego is content. It doesnt want you to know that you can be happy at any point by simply letting go of desire because that means its destruction. Whenever you believe happiness is outside of you you create a block to your own happiness which you then unblock as a situation occurs which meets your beliefs about what makes you happy.

This is why letting go of desire makes you happy and why Buddha said the root cause of suffering is desire. Its an endless search for happiness where it can't be found. Its not outside of you its inside of you.

Yeah i get what youre saying,and i reread the original post again...just seems to me he is saying he just wants a relationship. I dont see where sex addiction is referred to anywhere in his post. Its normal and natural to want sex and want a relationship. I think this whole thread kinda went in the wrong direction,maybe partly my fault too,but it just seems to me that he is asking how do you want a relationship without it going directly to your ego,without it being necessary to make you happy. I think the key is to become happy ALONE first,and learn to love people and things without expecting to get anything in return. Its one thing to want a relationship so you feel loved,and it's another thing to want a relationship because you enjoy experiencing love.

[Jarrod]

Originally Posted by infinitethoughts

From what the poster posted, I don't see an addiction.

Ok my seconding was more in regards to the point that whenever people talk about sexual issues, the majority seem to say it is fine unless you are hurting someone else or hurting yourself.

I didn't really intend to say there was an addiction, maybe it's more of a compulsion that seems to be present in almost everyone.

The sexual drive/attraction is natural, all the thoughts and emotions that elaborate, twist, attach on top of it I believe are a problem and they take someone away from the core element.

[say]

Thanks everyone!

Originally Posted by demk

Its an addiction to believing that happiness comes from outside of yourself...

Yeah, this is one way to describe how I feel sometimes.
And for me it's pretty much related to female attention. Because I don't dream or worry about having much money, for example. I don't believe that would make me happy. Even tho now I "need" money as well, but I just don't feel strong about it.
Part of my (problematic) beliefs is that I think this female love (and everything that comes with) it is out of my control. I feel like I'm at the mercy of someone else. Whereas with money and stuff I think I'm more in control of the situation.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by say

Part of my (problematic) beliefs is that I think this female love (and everything that comes with) it is out of my control. I feel like I'm at the mercy of someone else. Whereas with money and stuff I think I'm more in control of the situation.

Wow,i never realized that,but its so true! Its not necessarily that we need love or want it more than anything else,its just that everything else we can easily get if we work hard enough,but there is no guarantee you will find love,so its kinda elusive. Especially for people in their 30's and up who haven't had much experience with it (Yes,i meant myself also!) Its like one of the most beautiful things about life yet we can only experience it if we are lucky. Most people take it for granted because they have plenty of dates,plenty of relationship stories to tell,they hook up with someone as soon as they become single,they dont know what its like to be alone for years upon years,wondering when or IF we'll ever get it.

[demk]

Originally Posted by say

Yeah, this is one way to describe how I feel sometimes.
And for me it's pretty much related to female attention. Because I don't dream or worry about having much money, for example. I don't believe that would make me happy. Even tho now I "need" money as well, but I just don't feel strong about it.
Part of my (problematic) beliefs is that I think this female love (and everything that comes with) it is out of my control. I feel like I'm at the mercy of someone else. Whereas with money and stuff I think I'm more in control of the situation.

I used to pine so muhc for a girl that i was infatuated with. The specific girl was actually interchangable lol, my ego just had that external solution to the problem of my happiness and it didnt matter which girl was the focus. I would never go for it either because it seemed so improtant and I didnt want to mess it up. Even people who have many relationships are still searching for "the one", a mth that doesnt exist. The ego's way of working is that the grass is always greener. look inside for happiness. Look for happiness where it is and notice when you look outside yourself.

[demk]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Wow,i never realized that,but its so true! Its not necessarily that we need love or want it more than anything else,its just that everything else we can easily get if we work hard enough,but there is no guarantee you will find love,so its kinda elusive. Especially for people in their 30's and up who haven't had much experience with it (Yes,i meant myself also!) Its like one of the most beautiful things about life yet we can only experience it if we are lucky. Most people take it for granted because they have plenty of dates,plenty of relationship stories to tell,they hook up with someone as soon as they become single,they dont know what its like to be alone for years upon years,wondering when or IF we'll ever get it.

Look for love where it is (Hint - its inside you ), then you'll find it on the outisde. Your ego wants to seek but never find, as it says in the course in miracles, so look for happiness and love where it is.

Download some Lester Levenson stuff from a torrent. Its really good. Get into the Sedona Method too. Let go of looking for love outside of you.

[clementc82]

Go take some exercise.

Hmm.. maybe you can use the away from value.

It is the consequences you don't want to have them happened in your life.

For example, what would your lust cost you if you have successfully wooed her?

Broken friendship? Regret?

This is what I do to myself. I often use this to remind myself whenever I face temptation.

Hope this helps!

[winter100]

Originally Posted by demk

I have recently dealt with this by using a form of enquiry that is a variation on the Sedona Method. You desire something because you believe it will make you happy. Say one of these to yourself...

I need this person...
I want this person...
I want to be with this person...
I want this person to like me...
I want this person to approve of me

Say whichever feels most appropriate or maybe another that is more suited to how you experience your desire. As you say this to yourself, allow yourself to feel the feelings of desire. Then you flip over to the other polarity by saying...

Happiness comes from inside me, not from this person/having this person/being with this person/however you put it.

As you say this also allow yourself to feel it as much as you do in the moment, even if this isnt very much at first. Then allow yourself to go back and forth over the two different polarities and you will notice that they cancel out the negative feelings of want and desire.

Without desire you can simply appreciate people and be happy whether they approve of you or not. Hope this helps, and check out the Sedona Method its well worth it.

I just found this site last night by googling 'overcoming lust'.

I also have spent many wasted hours of my life being infatuated with a girl.
Then when that burns out, moving on to another. I've always known that it is a total waste of my life, but have never been able to break out of this stupid vicious cycle.

But, I tried demk's technique last night. And it is working big time. It immediately 'sobers' u up and takes u from fantasy land into reality. It focuses ure mind on how u can become happy. And also lets u know that hooking up with someone is not some magic shortcut to happiness. All ure insecurities, worries, failings etc aren't just going to disappear if u get to hang out (and have sex with) with someone nice and attractive. It could actually make u more insecure about urself when u see how she goes through life with everyone treating her so well and respecting her so much (just for being good looking).

I used to think "I could live happily ever after if I got this girl to go out with me or married her...."

using this technique, I now realize that was total bulls**t. I immediately realized that even if got to go out with this girl that:
-I will always be bringing me with me everywhere I go
-If I'm not happy now, being with her aint going to make me magically happy.
-I'd have a new set of terrifying worries - "I MUST keep her interested in me",
"What if she cheats on me?"...."

It also immediately made me think of times in the past when I've been most happiest. And those times were just times when i comfortably hung out with friends etc - not when i'd got posession of something etc.

Also, when I see a random good looking girl in the street, I can now just see that having sex with her is really just about getting rid of the sex drive for a while. I dont just assume that she is a wonderful person that could be 'life changing for me' ha.

I know loads of people will not understand what i'm talking about. As most people probably dont get infatuations etc. But, this wil strike a chord with a minority of people like myself i believe.

Thanks demk.

If u still visit this forum, can i ask u 2 questions:

-does the technique keep working long term (or does it lose its effectiveness)?

-what changes have u noticed in ure life as a result of ditching pointless infatuations? do u find u have better interactions with women beacuse ure not as distracted etc?

[Strem2]

Originally Posted by say

Hi,

I'm in this state of mind: When I see a beautiful or just a nice girl my eyes get glassy, I go into a dreamy state where I just wish she would come into my life and make it better. I mean I'm almost having tears in my eyes right now just thinking about that.....

...
I'm looking for some advice on how to switch to that different state of mind and to that different subjective reality.
I want to move on with my life and at the same time I'd like to be able to enjoy a relationship.

Simone Signoret was asked at 70 years old, how was her love life? Was there anything she missed. She answered that she was so relieved that she didn't any longer have that mad passion that made her crazy. She said it was so much nicer to have warmth and coziness and deep love without that crazy blinding passion.

SO, my answer is time. In time it will change.

- Nancy

[bluedragon]

You could try to remain in the present. If you are present, you cannot desire something that you don't already have. However, you can take the appropriate actions to get that thing, and then having it will become your present reality. But desiring something that we do not intend to go after can only need to unhappiness. Transform your desire in motivation to learn the skills that would allow you to obtain what you desire, or transform desire into action and go after it right now.

Lusting is a form of leaking energy. We need to take this energy back and re-channel it, both figuratively and literally speaking.

When we are sexually frustrated, for example (or frustrated for any other reason, for that matter), the Taoists say we leak energy. The perineum is called "the gate of life and death". In order to stop being frustrated and to be able to get satisfaction, certain exercises can be done which strengthen the perineum. This helps people circulate their sexual energy (which is the most powerful energy of all, the creative force which wants to express itself and ultimately to create new life), and this energy can be channeled into the higher energy center to nourish the brain and the higher functions such as intelligence, intuition and psychic abilities. Otherwise, many people get frustrated and the only solution is for them to throw that energy away.

[demk]

Originally Posted by winter100

I just found this site last night by googling 'overcoming lust'.

I also have spent many wasted hours of my life being infatuated with a girl.
Then when that burns out, moving on to another. I've always known that it is a total waste of my life, but have never been able to break out of this stupid vicious cycle.

But, I tried demk's technique last night. And it is working big time. It immediately 'sobers' u up and takes u from fantasy land into reality. It focuses ure mind on how u can become happy. And also lets u know that hooking up with someone is not some magic shortcut to happiness. All ure insecurities, worries, failings etc aren't just going to disappear if u get to hang out (and have sex with) with someone nice and attractive. It could actually make u more insecure about urself when u see how she goes through life with everyone treating her so well and respecting her so much (just for being good looking).

I used to think "I could live happily ever after if I got this girl to go out with me or married her...."

using this technique, I now realize that was total bulls**t. I immediately realized that even if got to go out with this girl that:
-I will always be bringing me with me everywhere I go
-If I'm not happy now, being with her aint going to make me magically happy.
-I'd have a new set of terrifying worries - "I MUST keep her interested in me",
"What if she cheats on me?"...."

It also immediately made me think of times in the past when I've been most happiest. And those times were just times when i comfortably hung out with friends etc - not when i'd got posession of something etc.

Also, when I see a random good looking girl in the street, I can now just see that having sex with her is really just about getting rid of the sex drive for a while. I dont just assume that she is a wonderful person that could be 'life changing for me' ha.

I know loads of people will not understand what i'm talking about. As most people probably dont get infatuations etc. But, this wil strike a chord with a minority of people like myself i believe.

Thanks demk.

If u still visit this forum, can i ask u 2 questions:

-does the technique keep working long term (or does it lose its effectiveness)?

-what changes have u noticed in ure life as a result of ditching pointless infatuations? do u find u have better interactions with women beacuse ure not as distracted etc?

Q1: The desire usually goes entirely after you spend a few weeks releasing all your tendecies to desire happiness from that thing. There are many variations on this type of thing which i have used and its great to experiement with your own creations. Once one tendency is gone another will become more predominant. Just keep working through the layers of your mind, letting more and more of it go.

Q2: I don't really have much desire to seek happiness outside myself any more, although it still comes up from time to time. Personally my life has gone in the direction of not wanting relationships at all, although in the future I may have relationships again, I'll see how that goes. Its great for my path to focus on things without being distracted by what amounts to a tendency to beleive that happiness comes from a person (who often I didn't really know and certainly didnt know whether they could actually make me happy).

Glad the process helped. Check out the sedona method (i got a torrent because I couldnt afford it at the time) and the work of byron katie.

[Onmyway]

Lust is like having to pee really really bad. And when a Lust event happens it's quite a relief.
The most important thing about lust is that it is lusted back at ya.
Nothing worse than grabing something and pouncing in Lust and getting a slap up the side of the head.
Lust can be an art form, a mating dance, like that little black and green bird in the amazon jungle I saw on youtube.
Setting the scene, dancing, waiting and dancing and hopefully finding reciprocation.
Reciprocation is Lusts sweet response. Ah, you want me too.. YES.....
It's a primal dance full of power and testosterone and oxytoxin.
I call it the dance of the Hyena.
Lust can get you into huge trouble, like peeing on a public building.
Lust can be simple, like the nape of a neck, a poetic Don Juan.
Lustfull thoughts are normal until they become stalking, voyeurism, and psychotic. That's when you need more help then your Popeye arm.

[ethereal]

demk, i love your responses maybe because it is similar to the way I think.

I also highly recommend the Sedona Method and The Work.

winter100, great insights Your story reminds me of me.

My story is that I used to be a depressed loner who craved female attention, and like the OP I would dream about it all day long. I would be infatuated with whichever girl gave me attention, and I would think that she liked me, but I would be too afraid to talk to her in case I screw it up. And that was how I lived for years and years, from middle school all the way to college.

Then in college, I was googling on the internet and I found out all about "pickup" and the seduction community, and they taught me everything from self-help and positive thinking, to meeting girls and seducing them. And from then on, I was having better interactions with girls, and getting phone numbers and dates, and everything seemed to be working. Except I was still not happy.

Every interaction with a girl would be framed in the mindset of how to get a date, how to get her number, how to seduce her, how to keep her interested in me, how to flirt with her and make her feel attracted. Every! Even with girls I didn't like, I would just think about everything in that way. And I was convinced that girls wanted to be seduced. At the time it seemed like the natural way it is for a "player".

Then I discovered spirituality and enlightenment, and I realized that everything I did back then was wrong. Not wrong as in you shouldn't do it, but wrong in that you totally screw up your mind and you don't appreciate girls for who they really are anymore. You see them as sex/relationship objects, rather than seeing her as a unique and beautiful expression of the Divine. You think you can get happiness from her, when you have sex with her or when you are in a relationship, but in reality happiness is always within you and not in some person or object.

Good thing I wasn't having spectacular success and I haven't totally seduced a girl into bed yet, because if I did I would feel terrible about it now. That player mindset is still somewhat ingrained in me, and I'm doing all I can to get it out. It just gets in the way of appreciating girls for who they really are.

Now I just see it as a natural phase I went through. The desire for sex and a relationship propelled me into self-help and positive thinking and improving myself, and that propelled me into spirituality and enlightenment as the fastest way to improve yourself and now I'm just totally dedicated to my personal enlightenment for the salvation of all sentient beings. The spiritual path has brought me internal happiness and peace, which is what I've always wanted all along.

And you know what? When you come from a space of unconditional love, people respond back with love. Girls would be all over you if you have a chance to talk to them, like in college. Because that is what girls are looking for too! Love. Now I'm convinced girls don't want to be seduced, they want to be loved. They trade sex for love these days, but if you give them love unconditionally...what more can I say