Disconnected from society

[niche]

So I seem to be very confused about general social relationships with people. I have a very hard time connecting. I can fake connection, but I don't ever really feel it. I have connected with my boyfriend. However he is the only person and I feel extremely bad for putting all of my dependence in him to be my family, my lover, my "co-worker" in life, my friend, and my best friend. I need to find other people to socialize with and connect to, but how?

A little background info may help in the advice area. First of all my childhood was rocky to say the least. I was molested (don't exactly remember) by my paranoid schizophrenic father and my half siblings were abused as well. My mother got me out of the situation when I was only 3, but we were frequently harassed by him until he died when I was 20.

Second, I got married when I was sixteen. My husband at the time was 19. After we got married, he became very addicted to alcohol and confusion turned to violence within our relationship. Then started my addiction to marijuana. I smoked pot regularly except for when I was pregnant and completely stopped when I found out I was pregnant for the second time. After being married for 9 years to this man, I finally had the courage to divorce him. I entered therapy, met another man who loves my children and things have gotten better for me. But I still have this disconnectedness with other human beings. And I'm jealous of my current boyfriend who seems to be able to connect with anyone or anything! But I know I shouldn't be because this wonderful aspect of his is why he can connect with me so well.

So anyway, my life is currently consumed with going back to school. I've been maintaining a 4.0 GPA and pulling in A+ in all of my mathematics classes. I'm starting to feel like my life is a math equation though. Absolutely no emotion and constantly working the problem.

A side track note. I do connect with children for some reason. Not sure why, but I absolutely love teaching them and helping them with their youthful dilemmas.

So I understand this is a lot to take in, but does anyone possibly have any advice for me out there?

[pianoperformer]

As for learning how to connect better, maybe introduce more art into your life? You said that you are very good at math and you seem to like it, but perhaps balance that out with some music, art, etc. That might help you tap your emotions a little better. I'm not sure about how to meet new people, though. I would say meet people at school but they are probably younger than you?

Good job on the 4.0! I've been doing the same, and trying to maintain it, lol.

[Spartan]

You probably feel like you don't connect with anyone because you have lived a very unusual life compared to most. So most people can't really relate to you.

Maybe you're just mixing with the wrong people? Or perhaps you're just expecting too much from people?

[niche]

Most of them are younger than me. I'm 27. So yes, this is a problem. Not many of the other students, I haven't met any, can relate to the life of having 5 children, being in a committed (might as well say married) relationship, and working hard at trying to do well in school.

As for art and music, I love it. But I love music for its elements: rhythm, harmony, melody, form, and dynamics. I love art because of the lines, shape, texture, etc. I see the arts for the intelligences behind them. I play music as well: the piano, flute, oboe, bit of guitar, and a bit of a few others. So I can play my feelings, but I cannot share my interests with others. I can't find others with the same interests as I.

Make sense?

[Spartan]

Well at least you've got a husband and 5 kids to 'connect' with. A lot of people would be happy with just that.

[pianoperformer]

I really do sympathize with you, as I experience some of the same things with having trouble connecting with people who just aren't on the same level, or don't share the same interests. You have two things: first that you've had a very unique past that others cannot relate to, and secondly that you're probably mor eintelligent than the average person, just going by your statement that you excel at math classes and get a 4.0.

I can't suggest much besides finding people on the same level as you. anyone else is probably just going to bore you.

I don't know what to say about your past, besides to say not to allow it to define your present. It's over, and things seem to be better now. Let it inspire you, but don't hang onto it.

[niche]

I think there is truth in both responses. My past is very unusual I suppose. But where to find people on my level? That's what I've been trying to find and so far have not. And please don't think I'm saying that I'm excessively smart. Just that I enjoy conversing about topics other than my boyfriend did this, I'm jealous of that, and what not. These are the discussions I hear at school.

[pianoperformer]

Don't worry about sounding like that. I'm the exact same way. I despise small talk.

I really don't know, though. What about people in your tougher classes, especially the math ones? Even though they are several years younger, maybe there's someone there who's more mature. You will probably have a better chance there than hoping that you will randomly find someone.

[Lauxa]

Maybe you are just too busy to put the time into developing a close relationship where you feel connected? It sounds like you have a lot on your plate!!

The best way to connect with others is to become truly interested in them. Let your own desires go to the back burner and focus on what you can do for the other person. Let them talk and ask questions about them. Try mirroring their body language to increase your empathy. If there is something specific that you want from others, put as much energy as you can into giving others that thing. Remember, you get what you give. When you are giving to others what you wish to receive then it will come to you naturally.

Good luck!

[Maguru]

Originally Posted by niche

Most of them are younger than me. I'm 27. So yes, this is a problem. Not many of the other students, I haven't met any, can relate to the life of having 5 children, being in a committed (might as well say married) relationship, and working hard at trying to do well in school.

As for art and music, I love it. But I love music for its elements: rhythm, harmony, melody, form, and dynamics. I love art because of the lines, shape, texture, etc. I see the arts for the intelligences behind them. I play music as well: the piano, flute, oboe, bit of guitar, and a bit of a few others. So I can play my feelings, but I cannot share my interests with others. I can't find others with the same interests as I.

Make sense?

I found myself in a similar position and realized it was an emotional dis-connection. You say you 'play' your feelings. I understand this to mean you express them this way. Wonderful. I envy your musical ability but so grateful for those of you who do. I often use music to re-connect to my emotions. regards

[robertanthony]

look at strategies for overcoming codependance.


Codependence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[Jamie]

Originally Posted by niche

So I understand this is a lot to take in, but does anyone possibly have any advice for me out there?

Hi niche,

I haven't read the other replies yet, so what I say may have been covered already, dunno.

I smoked the hash (dope) for a couple of years way back when I was about 20, towards the end of my smoking days, and soon after I stopped, I also had this feeling of disconnect, and a strange absense of emotion, and joy for life. It took a while for that to change (now I am the complete opposite and love life, and mostly feel very happy and satisfied with who I am).

So maybe, part of what you're going through, is the effects of the drug? Am sure people have pointed that out. You'll be doing yourself a massive favour by staying away from that crap.

Also, in terms of what you allow in to your body, try and eat good, focus on your nutrition, drink water and fruit juices; whatever you put in to your body, will have a dramatic effect on how you feel in general.

Also, exercise.

I mean, eat well, exercise, and don't think a lot; it's a cure all!

In terms of your relationships, I don't know, but may be an idea to confide more in people, admit your failings and how you feel vulnerable, to the people you feel won't abuse your trust. I think all too often (and this happens with a lot of people, I know I still do this), people will keep things in, things that worry us, or make us feel somehow inferior, we'll hide things like that about ourselves, and put on a brave front.

Maybe there's good reason for that, I dunno; and I do think you need to be discerning, regards who you open up to. But do try it, maybe just a little bit at first, with a small issue, just to see what happens.

Well, good look, and congratulations for all the great progress you've made so far! go you!