I just walked out of a therapist's office.

[blueberry]

I've been going through a lot. I've always been an intense kind of person.

ADD, a dreamer, INFP, enneagram type 4, an empathic person, more in touch with my inner world than the outer...

I've lived a hard life. I've been troubled for a very long time and I always thought there was something inherently wrong with me.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and I spent my youth escaping into drugs and dodging real world things like taking care of myself and creating a positive future. I ended up in an abusive relationship so that I could replay my unresolved childhood. My ex took complete control of my life while causing me to believe I was the crazy one in the relationship and that he had pure intentions. I now know that he was an extremely unhealthy and disturbed person himself and that I had allowed him to project his own sickness onto me... piled on top of my emotional wounds. He caused me to doubt myself to an insane degree and I've had so much trouble communicating this to other people in the past because of my codependent nature. I would always make excuses and take the blame for the people closest to me. This is how my parents conditioned me.

My entire life has been based on false premises. I went through life believing incorrect and spiritually toxic things about myself. In the last six months, I've taken leaps and bounds in understanding my situation but my codependent nature still held me back because I felt like I REQUIRED validation from other people to support my new understanding of my life and myself.

I only just REALLY learned that I can't rely on or trust other people to understand me. My life has been an incredibly complex story and every important piece of the puzzle is required to see who I really am.

I've relied on other people's perception of who I am for so long that I forgot that the way I perceived the world was just that. One way. Out of many... some closer to reality than others.

I've waited so long, with all of my feelings and thoughts pent up inside of me... I've waited for the right person to open up to. The right person who will see me, HEAR me, and REALLY REALLY understand me. I have stopped looking.

That person is ME. Nobody will ever understand me like I can understand myself. I have stopped looking outside of myself.

[blueberry]

I've wanted to explode from the pressure of everything that's happening.

I'm so alone but I've been alone for years..... with brief moments of meeting and spending time with people that I could call my spiritual family. People that I've felt comfortable with because I knew they could see the person that I am. Not with their eyes but with their KNOWING...

I know there is a reason for the personal hell I have lived through. I know there is an infinitely higher reason for all of the seemingly inconsequential events that happen through out the day. I have seen the meaning in certain events - the synchronicity and the way everything will tie together in a way that the universe is winking at. the universe reminds me that it hasnt forgotten me all the time. when I am losing my touch or my faith, an event will happen that will catch my attention and lead it back to a point of understanding. my free will plays a huge role though in my receptivity.

I am learning how to be a new person these days because the person I used to be is a mismatched collection of different motivations, conditioning, and experiences. I was extremely divided within myself and my self was split into many and projected into my mind's theater of ego nightmares.

I am awakening from that and I have been having a spiritual crisis. None of the people around me are helping me in this process. This doesn't surprise me because all of us are focused on our own little worlds and our own personal situations... my inner life and my consciousness just seems so CRAZY to me that I feel like other people should be able to see it too.

but I'm now realizing that while I make excuses for myself like how I'm TRAUMATIZED and too mentally disordered to function, I am really just focusing my attention on the world outside of myself and rendering myself helpless and powerless.

[blueberry]

I've glimpsed the potential of the power of my own awareness and being.

It has scared me. My ego was humbled and cowered in it's presence. Anything but to give in to that ultimateness.... to give in to the UNIVERSAL... to abandon the sinking ship I had built for myself. Looking back to my past, it was all I had to my name. My identity as the girl who grew up with mentally disturbed parents, the girl who partied too much and made some bad decisions.... the girl who looked and looked and always looked for that one thing in this 3 dimensional world that would somehow make everything good and okay.

but all I ever found and all that I will ever find in this world is little pictures. little pictures in a big picture world.

[mej023]

Just make sure that the pictures you are looking at make you feel good.

Whether you are looking at pictures from the past or the future, pick those pictures that make you feel good.

The most important thing is that you feel good. Look for things that make you feel good.

[uberinquisitive]

You've gone through the hardest part - naming and claiming your suffering.

For me, the second hardest part was changing my story, changing my dysfunctional ways. Intellectually KNOWING the change - and actually walking the path and living it - now that was a real challenge. But it can be done. I am living proof.

Keep venting! Often, the answers pop out in our venting.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Originally Posted by blueberry

That person is ME. Nobody will ever understand me like I can understand myself. I have stopped looking outside of myself.

Nice, good stuff

[Christian223]

Im sure EFT will do a great deal of healing for you, its ideal for mental traumas and hurtfull beliefs you have about yourself, it will allow you to be free from those thoughts that torture you on a daily basis and that have tortured you for your whole life. Tapping.com - Free EFT Videos - Emotional Freedom Technique and also visit EFT Provides Impressive Health and Emotional Freedom--New Discovery Often Works Where Nothing Else

Its a weird accupressure technique but works wonders, i have tried it and i know it works, try it it will change your life for the better. Try searching for eft videos on youtube too, there are some good ones.

Jesus bless you.

[Jenny]

Blueberry,
You're incredible. What a lot to absorb in a fairly short amount of time. I've been through similar and the other side is mostly beautiful and full of sunshine and bright colors...

Best wishes to you.

[Evan]

You sure do process your stuff.

My experience has been that being hospitable to the parts of myself and to others go together. Sometimes opening up to others helps me understand myself. Sometimes staying with parts of me that I don't want to look at helps me understand and welcome others.

For me seeing the bigger picture comes from relaxing rather than looking harder (though for others it is the reverse).

Hoping to hear more of your journey. Wishing you grace and peace.

[m18pak]

Originally Posted by blueberry

I've waited so long, with all of my feelings and thoughts pent up inside of me... I've waited for the right person to open up to. The right person who will see me, HEAR me, and REALLY REALLY understand me. I have stopped looking.

That person is ME. Nobody will ever understand me like I can understand myself. I have stopped looking outside of myself.

That's what all INFPs want: for someone to really understand them and see them as they really truly are.

[Lauxa]

Your post just reminds me of a part of the Prayer of St. Francis:

Oh Divine Master grant that I may seek not so much to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.