Willing to Divorce Mother

[Neblasian]

Good day,

My mother was living in the USA since I was 12, I am now 28. We will always keep in contact via instant messaging or phone calls. Sometimes I will visit her once a year or so. I must admit she is a loving mother, but she has this manipulative personality that has deeply affected me psychologically. If anytime I express how I felt about anything she does not agree on, she puts me on this guilt trip (crying, saying how much I hurt her and she worked so hard for me) like she is the only one that has feelings. Over the years, these reoccuring instances has made me unable to feel comfortable with and even express my own feelings. Now I am unable to get close to anyone for fear of rejection. So my female relationships are very dysfunctional ( yes, i am male). Then there's her friends (oh yes, her *%&@ friends). These are the biggest set of promiscous, superficial drama queens I ever met. Her life revolves around them. I know her friends are her friends, but it is a problem when she discuss our family issues with them. When we go around them (I reluctantly) they asked me alot of %$#@ up unconformtable questions. She just tries to pleases them. This was happening since I was 4 years old. Now when i am around anyone i have this defensive shyish personality. Now I am sick; my blood pressure is elevated, my cholesterol is high for my age and I have a chronic tension headache. Don't get me wroung, I do not blame my mother for anything because I know I have power to choose what I want to be. However, inorder to make progress; I have to change my core beliefs. I may even need to see a therapist. I just want to know what is the best option I should take. Additional do I need to divorce myself from my mother until my issues get resolved. I feel so messed up.



Thanks alot
Neblasian

[igmistro]

Some random thoughts...

Nobody forced your mother to have a child. It was her choice and she has gotten lot's of happiness from it... Go talk to any parent who has children, especially young children. Ask them if they would trade them for anything... Ask them if the "sacrifices" are worth it... Don't speculate... Actually go and do it... (btw... If this is triggering shyness remember that any parent will jump at an opportunity to talk about their kids and how they feel about them)... I promise you, she didn't sacrifice for you, she did it for herself... As a matter of fact, how about this... Ask her why she chose to "work so hard for you"... See if she can truly convince you that anything that she did for you, didn't also serve her emotional needs in some way... Why aren't you pissed of that after all of the happiness you brought into her life she has the nerve to sacrifice yours for her own selfish need? Would you ever do that to your children?

Your mother's "poor me" personality, as you have realized by now, is a form of control. By feeding into it you are only encouraging her to continue and in the process doing her a disservice. It's no different than offering an alcoholic another drink. Do you really hate your mother so much?

I could go on, but let me just leave you with this. Everything I wrote thus far is an example of re-framing. You can do this yourself... Next time you get this uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach - trust your gut. You know something is wrong. Remember that moment and once you are alone and composed - ask yourself why it hurt you. Would you behave the same way in their place? Why not? Once you learn to do this for yourself, you'll be able to do it for anyone. And sooner rather then later it will just come out and suddenly something like this will happen.

Mom: "I can't believe you're so selfish. I sacrificed so much and you don't even call me."
You: "I'm sorry to hear that bringing me into this world was so taxing for you mom. Why did you do it? I love you dearly mom but every time we talk I can't seem to figure out why I would ever want to have kids of my own. Can you tell me why I should be ridden with guilt for something that you chose to do for yourself?"

Nosey friends: "So, I heard you got dumped by another girl. What happened?"
You: "Your question is intrusive and rude. This is a personal matter and we are not close enough to discuss it. I'm not here to make you feel better about your own life and I would appreciate if you wouldn't use me for that purpose."

Do this a couple of times and they'll get the hint and go seek validation somewhere else. It will probably make you feel more confident as well, once you learn to stand up for yourself shyness will not likely to be a problem either.