WARNING: very shallow question of attractiveness/confidence...

[lightthecandle]

first off, I have to say I don't mean any disrespect towards anyone who might be offended by what I'm going to ask.

well, I started breaking out again ( 4 on my left cheek, 2 on the right) and my confidence has taken a deep dive..I've gained weight, and my skin on my face is uneven and has wayyy too many acne scars and to top it all off.. I feel so ugly inside and and out. I've been working out but still see no results..I still have chubby cheeks and a big waist....I really am trying to get over this and accept myself, but its so hard.

how can people who have acne or are not THAT attractive or both (according to society's standard of what pretty/beautiful is ) have so much confidence??bc I wish I was like that.

the funny thing is when I meet someone who isn't very attractive and who some would call "ugly" ( according to society's standard, again, not mine) I find them IMMENSELY BEAUTIFUL in my eyes.

and I feel like its too late to form a sparkling personality because I'm already 21 years and people who knew me before (in highschool, who all go to my college pretty much) might be surprised in a bad way...since I still am ugly in their eyes, and haven't controlled my acne and still don't have a good personality or have ANY confidence in myself..


sorry for the looooong rant..but I hope some of you understand where I'm coming from and can help me

[Remiel]

I'm not that attractive (social standards here), have problems with weight, and also have some acne problems (mostly back but some on the face). I have immense self confidence because of 2 things. One my security is in God. I'm not talking about organized religion here I'm refering to the God of the universe (I happen to believe he is the christian God and would also rail on organized religion. Oh wait he already did ).

The second is that I am no longer worried about what other people think about me. I grew up with aspergers and it was always a chain about my neck. I went to a seminar called focus and found myself there. I realized I'm not defined by the labels that I so readily accepted. Aspergers is a part of me and yet it does not define me nor my actions. Since focus I've been working on taking responsibility for my own life. I have turned my external need for acceptance into an inner strength of knowing that the only person who can choose my response is me. I still struggle at times and yet my self confidence comes from MY self. Not what other people think about me.

Its a struggle for sure. I have issues even now with my brother and constantly have to remind myself that I cannot allow what he thinks of me to hold me back. The only one who truely knows me is myself and God.

Originally Posted by lightthecandle

and I feel like its too late to form a sparkling personality because I'm already 21 years and people who knew me before (in highschool, who all go to my college pretty much) might be surprised in a bad way...since I still am ugly in their eyes, and haven't controlled my acne and still don't have a good personality or have ANY confidence in myself..

Its only too late when you are dead and even then someone might disagree with that. YOU are in charge of your life. Step up to the plate, look deep and ask yourself what do YOU think about yourself? Not what other people have labeled you. Who are you on the inside?

You say you don't have a good personality? Go get one. Find it. Practice it. Go talk with everyone you can. Mistakes are your friend. Make them and learn from them. Don't listen to what other people have to say about you.

I would recommend going to a focus seminar if you have any way possible to go. I went and it has changed my life. I don't know the policy of linking websites here so either PM me or google focus seminars. I can guarantee you that it is worth every penny.

If your friends will hold you back from growing into the beautiful, self confident, radiant personality that is inside of you... Find new friends. Ditch them. Move on in life. I can guarantee you nothing good will come from allowing yourself to be held back by anyone. I've done it to a gaming group that I was a member for for years. I still interact with them on occasion. I don't make them my primary group of friends anymore. Remember you choose your friends and who you spend time with.

Edit: By the way I don't think the question is shallow. It is a question of where does your value come from. Does it come from yourself? Others? What others think of you? Material items? Status? Wealth?

I've placed my value as a human being in both myself and God. The only person who's condemnation would mean anything to my value as a human being would be if God himself came down and condemned me. If someone else condemns me? The better a friend I am with them the worse it might hurt but it would never shake my value as a human being. Nor would it shake my confidence.


Well I hope this helps a bit. Good luck on your journey. Keep searching for the truth.

[Lauxa]

Hi lightthecandle, if I may ask, how is your posture? Posture is deeply related to the confidence that you project to the world and also how you see yourself. If you find yourself slumping forward quite often (and I think most insecure people tend to draw inwards and try to make ourselves invisible), you may want to try my slouching backwards experiment. I would be very interested to hear your results.

[Angela]

Lightthecandle, I'm sorry for the bluntness, but you seem to have been stuck in some habitual negative thought patterns for quite some time -- many of which are around "I'm ugly." You've been circling around the same questions for months (and probably years, right?) People here in the forums have been offering you advice, and probably people in your non-virtual life, too, right?

You can ask questions here from now till doomsday*, and nothing anyone says is going to penetrate as long as you continue to believe your thoughts, something it looks like you are committed to doing.

Are you interested in interrupting your habitual negative thought patterns? If yes, I recommend you start by providing answers right here and now. Start brainstorming: "What could I do -- what would I be willing to do -- to get myself feeling better on purpose? What thoughts could I deliberately think that will get me into an upward spiral? What would happen if I were to take 100% responsibility for being in love with my own life?"

Lightthecandle, you tell us.

*that's an old Grandpa Georgeism. I don't really believe in doomsday.

[Remiel]

Originally Posted by Angela

Lightthecandle, I'm sorry for the bluntness, but you seem to have been stuck in some habitual negative thought patterns for quite some time -- many of which are around "I'm ugly." You've been circling around the same questions for months (and probably years, right?) People here in the forums have been offering you advice, and probably people in your non-virtual life, too, right?

You can ask questions here from now till doomsday*, and nothing anyone says is going to penetrate as long as you continue to believe your thoughts, something it looks like you are committed to doing.

Are you interested in interrupting your habitual negative thought patterns? If yes, I recommend you start by providing answers right here and now. Start brainstorming: "What could I do -- what would I be willing to do -- to get myself feeling better on purpose? What thoughts could I deliberately think that will get me into an upward spiral? What would happen if I were to take 100% responsibility for being in love with my own life?"

Lightthecandle, you tell us.

*that's an old Grandpa Georgeism. I don't really believe in doomsday.

So true angela. Action is required to make any progress. So lightthecandel what are you willing and going to DO to change your situation in life?

[Dannyboy1]

You need to find something you enjoy to do that will also get your body moving. You need to stop obsessing about yourself and put the focus on doing something. Make it a hobby you want to learn everything about. Something like biking, hiking, rollerblading... you need to create a fun routine that will get you out and moving... get the equipment, little by little if you have to. Make little trips where you can pack a lunch and have a picnic on your break. Over a short amount of time you will start to get in shape and feel better about yourself. Then you can find other people with the same interests and move on from there.

[Thomas H]

Lots of things are hard! Hell, I used to think tying my shoes was hard. Go reread what you wrote and look at all the negative things you're focused on. Exact acne specs, and increased weight, chubby cheeks. Find something positive to focus on!!

If you see someone who's "not attractive" as you put it and you can find them "IMMENSELY BEAUTIFUL" is it possible that someone could find you beautiful as well? Someone thinking you're beautiful won't solve all of your problems anyway, you need to feel it yourself.

And what's all this about "forming a sparkling personality"? You've been forming a sparkling personality for 21 years! Your personality sparkles because it's yours. Only you can share your personal experience of the world. No one else has that, and that's what makes us all beautiful.

You're in the right place for self improvement. I recommend listening to Steve Pavlina podcasts number 5 and 12. While listening to #5 think about your beliefs about yourself and how you could change them. Take Angela's advice too.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and end that downward spiral of negativity. You've been letting it get the best of you for years now, it's time for you to say you've had enough and do something about it.

[Rockchick26]

I had to reply to this. I was just like you in high school,heck even grade school! I remember all the popular kids forming a circle around me and the "ringleader" said she was going to pop that big zit on my nose for me since i wouldnt do it. I continued to get picked on for my bad skin and my big nose (like i needed any more attention to my face,ugh!),all through high school and shortly after. Then life got easier cuz you arent surrounded by immature teenagers anymore,and once guys started to think i was cute,i realized that the problem wasnt me,it was my classmates! If they had never picked on me,i would have never had this shyness/self confidence problem. So,the older i got,the easier it became to let go of that,and i realized i was not who people thought i was,i should have been a popular kid,but they dragged me down. I even had one of the biggest bullies come up to me years later and say sorry for picking on me. And i've ran into 2 of the most popular girls from my grade,and they both smiled at me really big,said it was nice to see me,genuinely acted like they cared and/or felt bad for picking on me. I can bet you had some problems like this growing up too. And hopefully you can realize it wasnt YOU,the problem was THEM.

And i understand the part about everyone knowing who you are so you cant really change,its just too wierd...i like to go on trips a lot and i think thats part of it,you feel like you have to be around people who dont know you so that you can be who you really want to be. Is it possible for you to move out of town? Or get a new job? A fresh start would help you move past that wall and be a new person.

OH,i almost forgot. My acne was bad just like yours,from the time i was about 11 or 12 until just 2 years ago,when i was 34...the only thing that made it better was ProActiv. I hate to sound like an infomercial but NOTHING worked on my acne but that pretty much cleared it all up,now i get maybe one zit a month and its nowhere near as bad as they used to be. So there ya go,my advice is get on ProActiv,change your scenery (move,get a new job,or just simply hang out with different groups of people) and realize your lack of confidence was given to you by others because of their insecurity,inside you are worth just as much as anyone else!

[Christian223]

You need to change your focus in your life. You are concentrating on a way of thinking that is all the oposite of what you think you want, or think you need, or think that it should be but its not.

You think you should be like A, but your are B, so you feel bad. You want A, but you have B, and you cant have A, because you have B, and you dont like B, because you like A, its a never ending cycle of frustration and depression. Nothing will change if you dont change your mind about this things. You must change your way of thinking, you CAN change how you percieve the facts around you. You have to change your priorities in life. You have to change in your mind what things you think are important to you. Otherwise your perceptions will keep affecting your life.

Im a Christian, and thoughts are a struggle sometimes, but if you read Jesus teachings and the word of God you actually are learning ways to lead a life that pleases God (if you apply what you learn), and with that comes peace and confidence in him.

Jesus bless you.

[beautyscientist]

There's a great acne product called Brevoxyl. Give it a try.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Whenever I hear anyone talk about the issues they are having I wait till they are done and ask them one question "what are you doing about it?"

What are you doing about your weight?

what are you doing about your acne?

Looks matter but not as much as how you feel about yourself. You could be a really good looking person with no self confidence and become ugly to people the second you open your mouth.

Check out this article I wrote on getting the inner stuff handled, might help

Inner game Reframe » How to Love Yourself

[z1freeride]

Originally Posted by Alexjstrandberg

Looks matter but not as much as how you feel about yourself. You could be a really good looking person with no self confidence and become ugly to people the second you open your mouth.

Yes, I know some very beautiful people that are very shy. Dwelling on the fantasy that being pretty, skinny, and having perfect skin is a way to put a quick fix on the confidence issue (even though it's not a quick fix). It's an easy thing to blame, I should say.

I think the real blame lies deeper, which is why it's harder to blame. It requires more effort to fix. And repeating mantras like "I'm pretty" over and over won't help.

Social confidence, I think, comes from doing a couple things. Realize you have a need to impress or a need for acceptance. In other words, you care a lot about what people think. I don't think it's enough to say, "I don't care what people think anymore." It's never enough to be against something, you must also be FOR something else. Substitute your need to impress with a personal code of conduct that you know you can always fulfill. This could be small things at first like: smile, say hi to strangers, always be friendly, ask questions, be grateful to others, etc.

BTW, diet does influence the skin. How's your diet?

[Tigerlilly]

Originally Posted by lightthecandle

sorry for the looooong rant..but I hope some of you understand where I'm coming from and can help me

I think I do know where you're coming from, whether I can be any help, that's another question.

With me, my lack of self esteem during my younger years especially when I was a teenager was due to my Mom's influence. You can't give what you don't have and if any or both of your parents lack self-esteem in any respect that's what they are bound to pass on to you. I remember when I was 13 and totally in love with this guy from a distance, and one time showed him to my Mom, and as a response she told me that I was average at best but that he was so ugly I could as well give it a try.

So I grew up feeling pretty much like the Phantom of the Opera. I believed myself to be a nice person though, just a hideous one and what I manifested in my life corresponded with that self-image. The thing is, you can heal and change your self-image, but it's a healing and change that is much more inside out than the other way around.

Other people or outer circumstances really can't make you feel better, only you can do that. If a witch turned you into the most beautiful woman in the world with a snap of her fingers and Mr. Perfect came knocking at your door, would you feel happy, or would you be thinking: Oh, he only loves my beauty, he'd never love the real me...?

So thinking that mutable outer circumstances have to change to make you feel better is tying the horse up the wrong way; they will eventually change naturally and in a way responding to you changing your inner convictions.

Good looks don't get you love and happiness. Love gets you love and happiness and good looks. Love yourself and love life just as it is now and it'll naturally begin to change for the better. All you ever need to make your life what you dream it to be resides within you right now, the only thing you have to do is to grow and unfold, like a plant growing into bloom.

I think you might like a favorite song of mine; "The two trees" by Loreena McKennitt, the lyrics are a poem by William Butler Yeats. Here you can read the text but it's nothing like the song of course.

The Two Trees: Parallel between Yeat's Verse & McKennitt's Lyrics

Take care of yourself.