How to deal with an angry father

[London29]

It's been talked about before - but I need to let this out.

My dad is very charming and sociable with friends, but can fly into rages into the privacy of his own home. He is an extremely intelligent man, but arrived at a late age as immigrant in a new country, so he never really achieved his potential and I think that has deeply affected him as a person. The problem was that whenever he got frustrated with anything, or anything did not go his way, he would fly into rages where he would rant and swear and often break things while he vented out his frustrations. This often would disrupt family life, as everyone would have to quietly listen to him rage and shout and vent his frustrations (always verbally, never physically), often rages which would go on for an hour or so. We could never argue back, or ask him to stop, as that would often start another rage about how no body understood him, or how hard it was to be him. Which admittedly he did not have it easy.

I remember this happening regularly as a child, but unfortunately it seems to be happening more and more often as he gets older. He is generally very frustrated, seems to be stressed all the time, and does not allow room for discussion or argument when he is like this. I think it might be getting worse as he gets older. Whenever I return home for holidays, I can guarantee it will be 3 days maximum before he will start ranting and raging about something, anything, often issues that are years old.

One of the main problems is that he truly has no idea what he is like in reality and the effect it has on our family. I dread speaking to him, because when I call my parents up, the conversation will often consist of him (unknowingly) shouting at me about changing my postal address or something else. A couple of examples I have managed to suppress sort of - when I rang my parents I was engaged, my dad waited his turn and then started shouting and screaming at me about why I did not tell him sooner, because he needed time to buy a new house so that he would not be ashamed about having people around to his existing house. He also swore repeatedly at me during my wedding, when I rang him up because he was late to the reception line, saying “f*** you (repeatedly), I cannot not f***** help it if I am late, I cannot f***** fly”. Yet if told about this, he would have no recollection of it happening, or would have some reasonable excuse in this mind, or more likely it would set off another rage about how unreasonable I or the circumstances were.

On the surface I have a good relationship with my dad 70% of the time. I try really hard and love him very very much. But as I get older it is getting increasingly harder to have a proper relationship with him, especially as he has no idea how horrible he is to be around. It is harder now that we are grown up, and can see that normal people do not react the way he does to certain situations. I can continue to have this semi-disfunctional relationship with him, which will be painful and horrible 30% of the time. Or I can try to talk to him, which frankly I do not think would register with him.

The problem is I see his behaviour in myself. I am frustrated, stressed, and impatient a lot of the time. Worse of all, I find myself being very impatient my husband, allowing my moods to overcome me and darken what should be a pleasant time, and blame him implicitly for things which I shouldn’t. I cannot just allow myself to just be happy.

[Tigerlilly]

Originally Posted by London29

It's been talked about before - but I need to let this out.

My dad is very charming and sociable with friends, but can fly into rages into the privacy of his own home.

When I read your post I can so relate to what you write. My Dad seems to be a milder version but in essence is very much like yours, apt to throw the most horrific tantrums over the most un-important things or better, just cause the world out there -as represented by his family- isn't the way he wants it to be. He flips out and then is totally outside the reach of reason and when questioned or counter-attacked moves into a victim mentality.

My Dad also is incredibly kind, caring, intelligent and a totally decent person, who'd do anything for his family. He comes from an unstable background and had a hard time as a kid, his Dad being a selfish bastard, leaving his Mom with six kids and not even enough food on the plates.

When I was a teenager I couldn't see where my Dad was coming from, all I could see was the pain his emotional tyranny -his Sauron's will to control all life and me- was causing me, and here I did it differently than you, I decided to fight it out, and my Dad and I did fight every other day, screaming at each other till at least my throat was raw. Looking back it seems as if I spent all my fury over the pain he had ever caused me during those years.

When finally I grew aware of where my Dad was coming from, I was angry that my Dad did nothing to overcome those issues. I realised why my Dad was behaving the way he was, what made him tick, but I felt he had to do something about it, instead of causing others harm, or suffer the consequences. When after years my fury was finally spent, I wanted him to change cause I could see how much harm he wasn't only bringing to others but how he was suffering inside.

When I look at my Dad I see this abyss of insecurity lurking within him, this fear of being un-loved and left. This fear has him try to control those around him, most especially the ones closest to him, cause there his fear of loss is the greatest. We were very close when I was a kid, as a teenager naturally I strove to be free, and that's what made my Dad fight even harder to control me. The fierceness with which my Dad fights for control really reveals the depth of his fear. I believe your Dad is as scared and insecure as mine and that's why he behaves the way he does.

As far as my life went, after a while I gave up trying to get my Dad to resolve his issues, just cause it pained me too much and it showed no results. Instead I started to work on my own issues.

You can't grow up in an emotional dictatorship and not have issues, it's more like trying to heal a childhood-pts-syndrom. Like when I was a kid the only way for me to save my hide from my controlling and volatile surrounding was emotional detachment and withdrawal. What you get taught about "love" isn't very positive, your longing to be free and your need for connectedness tend to clash. For a long time I sensed vampires and werewolves everywhere, clinging, controlling, draining or devouring creatures and I kept to myself. I still tend to be overly aggressive when I get the sense that my personal boundaries are threatened, and since I had close to none as a kid I tend to need lots of personal space now. The overall list of issues that arise'd be pretty long, I guess, and the only thing to do about it is to work through them, getting aware of them first of all. If you know where your issues lie, what makes you tick, that's a good start.

These days my Dad and I very rarely fight, our relationship has improved a lot. I no longer feel any anger towards him, I learned to let go and not try to change him as well. And yet once I started working on myself, growing more aware, my whole family situation changed all by itself. I could swear that the positive energy self-improvement and inner healing sets free affects the people close to you in a positive way as well all by itself.

So, there's definitely a way.

[Lauxa]

I agree with Tigerlilly that the best thing is to work on your own issues. When your dad flies into a rage or starts yelling at you, the worst thing you can do is to get upset in any way. See if you can just stay present in the moment, realize that it is not personal, and accept what is happening now.

If he is treating you in a way that you prefer not to be treated, you will have to retrain him. When he goes into a rage it is perfectly appropriate to leave the room or hang up the phone. But find the inner peace first and then take the appropriate action. It may seem like you are taking the exact same action, but if it is done out of frustration the result will be completely different.

[blueflame]

So, I come from a similar background but a slightly more intense degree. My father tends to also fly into fits of rage over seemingly unimportant things (i dropped a piece of ice once and he nearly blew the roof off of the house ). The best thing you can do is either find a way to get out of the situation, for example, if it was on the phone tell him kindly that you don't appreciate being spoken to in that manner and that you will call him back later when he has calmed down. If it is in person, I suggest you remove yourself from the situation, take a walk, or a drive, whatever helps you center yourself. People who have uncontrollable anger issues do better when you let them have time to cool off. There's nothing anyone can do to fix his problem but himself, but you can come up with more effective ways for you to deal with it. Also, I empathize with your feelings of not wanting to become the same way. However, you've been given the advantage of seeing how dysfunctional that kind of behavior can be, and the power to prevent it in yourself. Think of it as a lesson or a gift in a way (trying to turn something negative, into something positive). Good luck!

[danman85]

I have gone through the exact same thing with my father (he once flew off the handle for me leaving a banana peel on the table...with his girlfriend begging him to leave me alone). He was also quite physical with me as a child, and I would usually have to figure out what I did wrong with no help from him. I was also usually hunted down and berated for no reason sometimes, or if I was out with friends, he would find some reason for me to come home quickly, and then just yell and scream at me for something completely unrelated. I haven't talked to him in about 9 months, and I really don't know what happened there, but I know there's gonna be some handles flying next time I talk to him (because it's my fault, regardless of whether it is or not). He's also an upstanding member of society, and an alcoholic. I know the flux between good/bad man has been quite damaging to me, I always looked for/created unhealthy friendships that hinted at the incessant blame I was faced with growing up. I also need lots of personal space, I get very uncomfortable if anyone comes near me with sudden movements, and I get very irritable if I am not alone for 5-10 hours of the day.

Just learn how to control yourself. If it is your father, then part of those qualities are in you too. I feel that if I can learn how to control those qualities I got from him, then that will help me deal with him (same qualities). Figure out how you are like, and unlike your father. And remember, there's always a middle ground.

[danman85]

I just read what I wrote. Easier said than done...

[dali]

a good and efficient way to deal with all of this has been for me The Work of Byron Katie. look her up on you tube. let me know what you think. personally i havent come accross a better way of putting an end to all this kind of suffering. you are now behaving in the same way as your dad. i did too. take a look. it works. all the best.

[stargazer1979]

Seems like an old thread...but the subject unfortunately never gets old... I feel as if only a good therapist can reveal the methods to get over these issues. No matter how intelligent you are, there is NO WAY you can deal with everything a situation like that gave you, maybe mostly because it happened to YOU. One geta even a greater feeling of anger when one doesn't succeed with such a thing.

Hang in on there, I am in the same boat. Remember that NO ONE has EXCUSES no matter how hard their childhood was. Imagine if all of us would behave the same way because something happened in our childhood!? There would be a lot of angry jerks around...

[spirit4711]

Originally Posted by London29

...
One of the main problems is that he truly has no idea what he is like in reality and the effect it has on our family.
...

Set up some cameras and wait for him to explode. Maybe even provoke him. Then afterwards, show him.

The problem in these situations is that we allow others (your father in this case) to cross our boundaries. Maybe even telling ourselves "He's a good man, caring and loving too". This is what you need to get: that is a lie. He does not love you, care for you etc when he crosses your boundaries. No way, no how.

The real question is: how long will you accept this behaviour from him and from yourself?

[ar81]

Originally Posted by London29

The problem is I see his behaviour in myself. I am frustrated, stressed, and impatient a lot of the time. Worse of all, I find myself being very impatient my husband, allowing my moods to overcome me and darken what should be a pleasant time, and blame him implicitly for things which I shouldn’t. I cannot just allow myself to just be happy.

He never learned to be happy.
If you are a true rebel, instead of following his example, you may be different, be a rebel, be happy.

My father used to be sociable with friends, but at home I had to educate him with my very example. I had to become a role model he could follow. He has many good things, but in every other aspect I had to be the role model.

My father used to fight with my mom, and I taught them with my relations what it was to have a healthy relationship.

You have a choice: Be like him, unhappy, follow his role model. Or be the exact opposite, a role model he can learn from.

It is not easy. Educating him takes years, and older adults learn a bit like a retarded, so you may need lots of patience.

[Strem2]

Wheww. I don't think I have ever seen so many viewings and so few comments on these forums!

This must be very common.

I also like Byron Katie and Eckhart Tolle for understanding this.

And, since we are on these forums, I want to caution us all about making excuses for anyone, even your father.

arrived at a late age as immigrant in a new country, so he never really achieved his potential and I think that has deeply affected him as a person.

If he is reasonable outside the home, there is no reason that he can't be reasonable inside the home, is there? I used to work with abusive husbands who would say, "She made me do it!" I would point out that when their boss did a similar thing, or said something similar, they didn't hit him.... His choice of anger has inhibited his progress more than anything else!

However, having said that, once his pain body is fully expressing itself, there is not anything you can say to calm it. It must be your love and self respect that will calm the seas. Ho'oponopono is a practical/mystical problem solving method. It is not instantaneous, but it does work fairly quickly.

[harambasa]

Originally Posted by Strem2

If he is reasonable outside the home, there is no reason that he can't be reasonable inside the home, is there? I used to work with abusive husbands who would say, "She made me do it!" I would point out that when their boss did a similar thing, or said something similar, they didn't hit him....

this is a good point because i noticed something similar with my mother too, who behaves the same exact ways and has most of my life.

when dealing with the public or a stranger, even friends, she is charmingly sweet. its shocked me numerous times how polite she can be because i rarely see that side of her! she is absolutely terrified of how someone not accustomed to her hyper aggressiveness would react to her outbursts. this sort of behavior tells me that she is fully aware of consequences, of what she's doing and the impact it has on others. she knows she can't go around attacking people in the supermarket and throwing things at the postman because there are consequences for these actions...not to mention everyone would avoid her like the plague!

also its a fear of being judged negatively by random strangers because she knows full well she frequently violates boundaries. with strangers, its testing the waters of how much she can get away with. once she gets away with one action, she goes on the bigger, more explosive action.


my mother saves her worst for me and my grandmother usually because she is so used to having no significant consequences from us and will come up with every excuse imaginable to justify it....how 'crazy' i am, how f'ed up my grandmother was to her x amount of years ago and so on. we still regularly hear about things that happened ten years ago like they happened yesterday, why we are to blame for them and what a poor helpless victim she is. since i've put my foot down about a lot of things she primarily targets my grandmother who either yells back or just doesn't react to the outburst at all.

my mother's priorities are completely backwards: she makes such effort to show reasonableness, patience, understanding, even caring to people she hardly knows while saving all the name calling, destructiveness, yelling and aggression for the people closest to her. she has no business treating anyone this way, let alone her own family or her own mother who she shares a house with!


and on another note, my family also uses the 'we're immigrants' excuse to justify a lot of their ridiculous behavior. everything from yelling, excessive drinking, laziness...."that's just how it is back home!"

[JohnProverbs]

I have pretty much the father you have exactly but he's also physically abusive sometimes. He was once arrested by the local police for assaulting me but because he cooperated with counseling the state dropped the charges. So in my struggle to deal with him I have found only faith can shield you from the attacks. His anger is fueled not only by what you know about him and what you see him doing but also by the devil. So these things will help you deal with him prayer, understanding, knowledge, wisdom, patience and practice. To be honest I can understand that if anyone had gone through his life many would turn out the same way. You may not believe in a God but it doesn't hurt to pray.

So as for understanding it helps to seek to understand why he explodes in anger. I found he's living a unsatisfying life and sometimes overloads himself. Often at the expense of losing sleep and not taking care of his soul, mind, heart, and spirit. So if you're an angry father and live a unhealthy life and are unsatisfied with what you have it builds pressure in your mind and heart. This builds up till it eventually explodes. Anger can accumulate inside of a person and so it would be healthier to unload it daily instead of collecting it until it becomes a problem.

The other part is everyone needs a spiritual/emotional fuel. For some people on this earth anger is what they use to keep them going. Others its love or kindness. Though we all use both at times people often have a preference and get use to using particular emotions as a fuel source.

Also, angry people tend to setup traps for you especially angry fathers. They will ask for you to do a specific task like before your final exam when they know you don't have the extra time to give. If you don't do the task they will argue and yell at you until you do and force it. This is a test of your ability to say no. Be sure to explain why regardless if they listen completely or are understanding.

So if you do poorly at that time they will then throw all the blame upon you with phrases like "you didn't study hard enough, you're don't learn" These are all very childish and narrow-minded phrases to actually make you feel a false guilt or overguilty.

So I found the solution for the last 10 years has been to pray and ask others to pray. It may be hard to believe but I found it works.

Knowledge

I personally read the bible as often as I can. I try to stick to a rule of 1 chapter a day but sometimes I miss a day. So the book of proverbs has been especially helpful with knowledge about angry people. Here are a few proverbs and a link

Proverbs 19:3
People ruin their lives by their own foolishness and then are angry at the Lord.

Proverbs 22:24
Don’t befriend angry people or associate with hot-tempered people,

Proverbs 29:22
An angry person starts fights; a hot-tempered person commits all kinds of sin.

BibleGateway.com: A searchable online Bible in over 100 versions and 50 languages.

As for wisdom its something I had to pray for and study and practice. Its something you need to do a little each day. It helps you see the right path to take or the better choices in life. Wisdom is worth more than gold and knowledge more than silver.

As for patience it is something I also had to ask God for and study about and practice. I know very little about it and so I am eager to learn more about it So it is the same as wisdom in that it needs daily practice.

This link helped me a bit I hope it can offer you some tips.
Practice Patience - Techniques to Help You Do So

The other thing to keep in mind is what everyone has troubled people in their lives who are really a test and to help you train for the future.

I hope God changes your father and that he chooses to accept his faults and work with God to change. I will keep you in my prayers.

God bless you and your father I wish you the best

[Affinity]

Good discussion.

Father-Son relationship is complected. Especially when father gets old and son become adult. Ego-clash can also become unbearable.

[moonrambler]

Hi JohnProverbs, welcome to the forum I just wanted to call your attention to how old the original post is (from 2008) and the person only ever made that one post, so I doubt he's still coming here.

[Curtis2011]

Originally Posted by JohnProverbs

Proverbs 19:3
People ruin their lives by their own foolishness and then are angry at the Lord.

Wow. This describes so many people I have known, it is unbelievable. Especially if you replace "the Lord" with "random authority figure".