Why am I doing this ?

[prats]

Hi, I am trying to question myself, may be you can pitch in and let me know what you infer?

In any conversation or position ,I try to clear myself.I try to be transparent..I reveal information even when other did not ask for nor did not expect..am I afraid that they later may question me ?am I scared of being mis understood. If anyone asks me a question I just tell them the whole thing I know about that topic.I see many of my friends just answer to the point ,where I think it may lead to misunderstandings ,because not giving the background sometimes lead to confusion.what is good way ?

For example, my current manager doesnt care when I come or when I leave all he cares is the work needs to be done.But from my past work experience I always try to keep my position clear.So when we met in the elevator one evening ,In the middle of the conversation I told him ,my story that my daughter is going to day care so I am planning to come to work early and leave early etc...He did not ask me at all..

In another case,I tell my friend all my issues at home with my husband and MIL,not that I have major issues but she listens and advices me.But I observed that she never tells anything negative abt her husband or anything, from what I know I can see many (we live in different states)

If I am asked anything ,first I try to tell the background of my situation then tell my current scenario and then tell my future implications.Which in retrospect I feel more and more that it is not necessary..

I feel people are more selfish and the more information I give the more I am exposing myself and the more I am proned to backlash later on..

What is your opinion ?

[viscapes]

I've met several people who do this. They seem incapable of getting to the point they're making without giving a full and complete picture as to the background, the motivation, the point and the likely result.

I've found though, that these tend to be people who are very intelligent, contemplative and thoughtful, always looking at the bigger picture. They tend to have a fantastic skill of seeing how all the little details, when put together, make up the larger picture and tend to be very considerate and thoughtful with others as a result.

Personally, I think this is a lovely quality and I suspect it bothers others much less than it bothers you. Think of situations where it's beneficial (I'm sure there are many) and be happy that you're so open and considerate. Don't worry if others don't return your openness, it just makes you all the more special.

[coLLege kid07]

Being open is a great thing...It leaves the door open for not holding anything back, not succumbing to anyone's mercy, and being honest with yourself. I find I do this sometimes too, but why because I don't want to create a false notion over myself and nor do I want to hide or disguise any emotions (sometimes it's warranted though). Being open is a great trait to have and it can help you uncover tons of unknown treasures you never knew about. ex. learn alot more about yourself, having people support you in your adventure,ect. Good luck

[igmistro]

Obviously without knowing more about you, I can only speculate and judge from my own past experiences.

Although I agree that being open is a great treat, I would question if you are indeed being open or whether this as a form of validation seeking behavior. You are worried that you will be misunderstood and therefore will be rejected by the other person. I would also suspect that you have a fear of making mistakes and probably look at them as failures (and embarrassed by them) instead of learning experiences. I also wouldn't be surprised if you have a tendency to give unsolicited advice.

If any of this sounds like I maybe on to something and you'd like to change that, then please read on...

Being open is great, but unsolicited information implies that you think that you are better then other people. You assume they need the explanation in order to understand and most importantly agree with you. That's quite rude... Try giving them a benefit of the doubt, if they want to know more... They'll ask... Otherwise you are not responsible for them. Let them be wrong and learn their own lessons...

[prats]

igmistro raises few important questions. Let me explain..There are 4 zones in everybody.
First is the one which you know about yourself and other know about you
Second is the one you know about yourself and others dont know about you
Third is the one you dont know about yourself and other know about
Fourth is something that neither you nor others know about

So my post in the first place is to know about something I dont know about and something others might know (zone 3) ..Its the quest to know more about that area,with a sincere wish to know why I am doing this ?

I would question if you are indeed being open or whether this as a form of validation seeking behavior.

Thats what I am trying to know or ask myself. And the answer is partially both.I am indeed open because I am open and want to clear of my part so that no one will blame me..and also

You are worried that you will be misunderstood and therefore will be rejected by the other person.

Yes thats true too...But my question is what is wrong about it ? Doesnt every one has some such fear deep inside ?If so how are you handling ??

Being open is great, but unsolicited information implies that you think that you are better then other people. You assume they need the explanation in order to understand and most importantly agree with you. That's quite rude...

I tell others everything,in a blind hope that others will tell me everything that they know.Which failed me in many instances..No everyone is not telling everything they know and feel about.. I make my stance clear not urging people to agree with me.But I deeply wish that everyone agrees with what I say..Again doenst every one fee like this ? I get dissapointed when others dont agree with me,but I move on..I dont sit and ponder and worry about why others are not agreeing with me.

Please help me with your opinions

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by viscapes

I've met several people who do this. They seem incapable of getting to the point they're making without giving a full and complete picture as to the background, the motivation, the point and the likely result.

I've found though, that these tend to be people who are very intelligent, contemplative and thoughtful, always looking at the bigger picture. They tend to have a fantastic skill of seeing how all the little details, when put together, make up the larger picture and tend to be very considerate and thoughtful with others as a result.

Personally, I think this is a lovely quality and I suspect it bothers others much less than it bothers you. Think of situations where it's beneficial (I'm sure there are many) and be happy that you're so open and considerate. Don't worry if others don't return your openness, it just makes you all the more special.

I see what she's saying because I used to do that as well. Still do sometimes. And I can tell you, people do not want to hear it. They just want to know the basic deal unless they know you well. I can understand it, too. If you say "Hi. How's it going?" as you're passing someone, you don't want them to stop you and actually TELL you how they're doing. It was just a greeting. If I don't know someone well I don't want them talking my ear off. I just want to keep it pleasant and minimal. Most people do.

[igmistro]

Interestingly, your response makes me think that I hit close to home.

Here is what I see happening... You are trying to rationalize and justify your behavior by changing the subject. I'll give and example. You say "But I deeply wish that everyone agrees with what I say..Again doenst every one fee like this ?" Direct answer - most of us do. I have yet to meet anyone who can truly claim that they have no desire to feel significant. That is not, however, the problem. The problem you are most likely having is that somewhere deep down you are realizing that forcing your beliefs onto others is wrong. And that is exactly what you are doing.

I'll give you one more example. "I tell others everything,in a blind hope that others will tell me everything that they know." This is called being a horse trader. It's the same as saying "I'll give you all my love, but you have to love me back in return." In your case it's the same as saying let's trade information, and then you have to agree with me. Whether you are realizing it or not this is the implication of that type of behavior. Instead why don't you try asking the other person what you want to know, without volunteering any information. That way it shows you want their opinion, not that you want to change their opinion. If they want your story, they'll ask for it and then you can tell them.

Btw... I'm only addressing the issue of behavior here... The question of feelings (fear of rejection, need for significance, etc.) is a different topic...

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by igmistro

Interestingly, your response makes me think that I hit close to home.

Here is what I see happening... You are trying to rationalize and justify your behavior by changing the subject. I'll give and example. You say "But I deeply wish that everyone agrees with what I say..Again doenst every one fee like this ?" Direct answer - most of us do. I have yet to meet anyone who can truly claim that they have no desire to feel significant. That is not, however, the problem. The problem you are most likely having is that somewhere deep down you are realizing that forcing your beliefs onto others is wrong. And that is exactly what you are doing.

I'll give you one more example. "I tell others everything,in a blind hope that others will tell me everything that they know." This is called being a horse trader. It's the same as saying "I'll give you all my love, but you have to love me back in return." In your case it's the same as saying let's trade information, and then you have to agree with me. Whether you are realizing it or not this is the implication of that type of behavior. Instead why don't you try asking the other person what you want to know, without volunteering any information. That way it shows you want their opinion, not that you want to change their opinion. If they want your story, they'll ask for it and then you can tell them.

Btw... I'm only addressing the issue of behavior here... The question of feelings (fear of rejection, need for significance, etc.) is a different topic...

That's all I have to say. Yep.

[prats]

Interestingly, your response makes me think that I hit close to home.

Yes you did...these exactly are the issues i am trying to deal with ..Thanks a ton for the invaluable advice..

You are worried that you will be misunderstood and therefore will be rejected by the other person.

Yes I have this fear.All my childhood we were raised aloof from all relatives, so I developed this emotional deficiency and try to align with my friends.. Its like my typical behaviour is ,lets exchange all the un-pleasantries at the beginning so that I dont want to deal with hurt later..if we get along we can march ahead else,lets leave this here..thats my typical attitude

I would also suspect that you have a fear of making mistakes and probably look at them as failures (and embarrassed by them) instead of learning experiences.

And as an icing on the cake, I have this huge pride (am a Leo) so yes I am afraid of getting embarassed...In my toastmasters speech..first speech Icebreakers I did not refer notes..and at one place lost the train of thought so for the second speech,instead of trying to remember everything, I used notes heavily in the fear of embarassment

In your case it's the same as saying let's trade information, and then you have to agree with me.

I need to work on this..as you said may be I inherently has this feeling.let me introspect..

Instead why don't you try asking the other person what you want to know, without volunteering any information. That way it shows you want their opinion, not that you want to change their opinion. If they want your story, they'll ask for it and then you can tell them.

If they dont want my story then may be I get dissapointed
thats again the whole point..may be I am insecure at the core and try to hide it under a cover of pride..

SO how do I improve myself ??

[igmistro]

"SO how do I improve myself ??"

Well... That's one hell of a loaded question... ...
As I don't know your past experience with "self-improvement", I can't begin to speculate what techniques you may have tried before. Therefore I'll try a slightly different approach, and so... if the answer below hits off mark, you may have to give me more background to work with...

Until you find a method that allows you to instantly change an unwanted feeling, you can work with your limitations, you don't always have to work against them. The hard part here will be that you must not judge yourself. Once you identified a challenge you want to solve - accept it, then offload it other people . Here is what I mean.

Let's try a practical example. Take wanting people to agree with you.... Next time you are talking to someone you trust (at first) and you start noticing that you are becoming attached to the outcome of the conversation - tell them. "Hey, I'm sorry if I'm getting a little attached to my point of view here. I realize that you have every right to your opinion, I'm still working on my conversation skills." Then smile. How would you feel if someone said that to you? Would you think less of that person or actually gain some respect? Really think through this situation. Visualize yourself doing it. Step in the other person's shoes.

When you first begin you will probably be unable to catch yourself at the right time... That's ok... Don't beat yourself up. Think of it as a game. You ego won this round. All it means is once you have some time to yourself practice some more. Eventually you'll start doing it in real life and soon you'll realize that even the original problem begins to disappear. After all, once you remove the negative consequence - your ego won't be trying to protect you anymore.

I'll do another one for you. Feeling embarrassed... In your Toastmasters example. Accept that loosing your train of thought happens. You get distracted, people may interrupt you, fire alarm goes off. It happens even to the greatest of speakers. Figure out how you would like to handle it, rehearse it. Then leave your notes at home next time. Intentionally put yourself into that situation. "I apologize everyone, I seem to have lost my train of thought. I guess my first lesson would be to have better notes. I'm glad I joined this club."

Feed your ego in ways that are positive. Instead of thinking about limiting your mistakes - find ways to recover from those situations with grace and confidence. I know you have it in you to put yourself out there and take the risk (even if you may regret this afterward.) Whether you realize this or not, when you started this thread you did exactly that. Granted there is a degree of anonymity here but I'm sure you can find the courage to do this in a more "dangerous" situation.

[Trezker]

I'm the kind of guy who often should elaborate more on my statements. But I tend to talk as if the receiver has the same frame of understanding as me. So pretty often I just get a blank face from others when I say something that in my head seems perfectly simple and excellent.

But rambling too much is also bad. When people don't get to the point fast enough the message doesn't stick. Maybe you should practice at toastmasters, if I understand correctly they know how to convey a message adapted to a specific audience.

My very logical approach would be to tell the point first. Then if the recipient doesn't get it, you proceed with a simple explaining or introduction that can trigger understanding. If that doesn't do it you can proceed with the whole 40 page report.

Basically you want to make the audience interested first then try to be observant so you see when you have reached an understanding.

Don't trust me on this though, I have no training in this area.

[prats]

As I don't know your past experience with "self-improvement", I can't begin to speculate what techniques you may have tried before

I havent practised any self-improvement techniques yet.SO this is the beginning..

Let's try a practical example. Take wanting people to agree with you.... Next time you are talking to someone you trust (at first) and you start noticing that you are becoming attached to the outcome of the conversation - tell them. "Hey, I'm sorry if I'm getting a little attached to my point of view here. I realize that you have every right to your opinion, I'm still working on my conversation skills." Then smile. How would you feel if someone said that to you? Would you think less of that person or actually gain some respect? Really think through this situation. Visualize yourself doing it. Step in the other person's shoes.

This is an excellent one.I have to practise it though.I already started practising..I sent an email to my girl friends that we can meet up at lunch on fridays jus to catch up with mother hood and etc...one friend started talking apologetically.I said hey its fine.It is perfectly ok to say NO .

Feed your ego in ways that are positive. Instead of thinking about limiting your mistakes - find ways to recover from those situations with grace and confidence.

Thats a good adivce again.Yes I will try to practise this too...I am courageous yes,till now with respect to others.I guess the challenge is to be courageous to myself and fight and win my internal weaknesses...

[igmistro]

Originally Posted by prats

This is an excellent one.I have to practise it though.I already started practising..I sent an email to my girl friends that we can meet up at lunch on fridays jus to catch up with mother hood and etc...one friend started talking apologetically.I said hey its fine.It is perfectly ok to say NO .

I want to point out something about the above quote. As always, be honest with yourself, check your feelings. Now - text is a small part of communication, I can't read your body language, but here is what my gut told me.

This is a perfect example of the behavior you are talking about. First you volunteered information that's actually quite irrelevant to the example I was giving. (How does telling your friend that it's ok to say NO relates to practicing your own self-awareness of not being attached to the outcome of a conversation?) However, there was a deeper meaning here, and this is what I saw... You probably were feeling frustrated with yourself (it is hard to admit ones own faults, ego doesn't like to be told it's wrong). Perhaps even felt a little excluded (vulnerable, insecure, whatever adjective works for you.) So in order to make yourself feel better you presented this story where you are now mastering this lesson and in fact became the teacher. I bet it made you feel really good to remember how you were the "adult". I would also suspect that deep down you feel the need for my (and forum's) approval.

If I hit a nerve - read on...

Being honest with oneself is hard... We only see other people's problems, not our own. The first step in breaking any addiction is admitting you have one - this takes courage. Here is my suggestions. Send a follow-up email to your friend. Something like this. "I have to apologize. I was a little out of line before. It's not my place to tell you how to act. Please forgive my holier than thau response. I'm still learning that my way is not the only way. :-) Here is what I really wanted to say; Although I was disappointed that you were unable to come, I was more concerned that you probably felt even worse that you had to turn me down and worried that you would hurt my feelings. So please know that I completely understand that this was not personal and you were busy. We'll catch up some other time." This way you'll actually make your friend feel good instead of yourself.

One last comment... Please understand that we all doing the best we can. You have to accept that. As I said, the hard part is not judging yourself. That's the key.

Igor.

P.S.
If you feel that my understanding of the situation is spot on, but feel uncomfortable with it being this public feel free to PM me and take this off-line. I'm learning a lot through this exchange and i wouldn't want to miss out.

[prats]

Okay let me explain in my own terms...

How does telling your friend that it's ok to say NO relates to practicing your own self-awareness of not being attached to the outcome of a conversation?

In the above example, the outcome is wanting everyone to attend the fridays lunch. In my first email while putting forth the proposition itself I said its okay to say NO, that means its okay to say No to me and you dont have to feel bad about not turning up ,i.e turning me down..(thats my assumption) .. The next friday even though I know all my friends are meeting up for a fathers day lunch at one place(sunday)..I still sent a mail on friday just so that I started something..Thats when in person I said,its okay if you are busy..


I guess I am lost in the explanation thing.. I am okay in being public about my feelings because I want readers to know and pitch in if there in any other point of view...

[igmistro]

Fair enough... Just because I don't see the relevance doesn't mean I'm right... In that case think of it as a hypothetical scenario that illustrates the process...

I do have to ask. Why did you feel compelled to tell people that it ok to reject the invitation? Personally I can't recall the last time I got an invite that said "Don't feel bad if you can't come." Can you tell me why your way is better?

[prats]

Why did you feel compelled to tell people that it ok to reject the invitation? Personally I can't recall the last time I got an invite that said "Don't feel bad if you can't come." Can you tell me why your way is better?

Thats an easy one because all of us are working women ,all at different places working close by ..so friday lunches,at times everyone can have different plans ..like lunches with their own team, lunches with husbands etc...

thats the reason i proactively said that

but one compliment from my side,you definetly have what it is to see beyond
the obvious..you are one out of the box thinker

[igmistro]

Well... That didn't go the way I wanted it... ... The real question I was a bit deeper. I was hoping you would wonder why it's not usually done this way... But you know what... I suggest that we abandon this example as it is too easy to rationalize both ways.

So if you have further questions about my original suggestions or other comments I'll be happy to respond, but at the moment I have nothing more to add...