Divorce/Separation

[bgkarma]

I just recently seperated from my wife of 9 years and moved into my own place. The details of it all I'll spare everyone, but I thought I'd start a thread on this and see what other people's thoughts are. After a week, it's still quite a shock and at times I'm hit with some depression.

Anyone else like to share how you've overcome a pretty nasty breakup?

I'll write back more, later. Thanks for listening.

[kthdsn]

I divorced my abusive husband four years ago, the beginning was tough. It felt very strange to not have him around, and I considered taking him back several times. I got through it by doing all the things he hadn't allowed me to do when we were together. It really helped me as it let me focus on the good points of the breakup.

Another thing that helped me get over it was having people around me who really did care about me. They got me through the worst days and reminded me that I had made the right decision.

It can be really difficult to rebuild your life when a big part of it changes. You will find something to fill the spaces though, I'm sure. Try to stay positive.

[sourceofmiracles]

Originally Posted by bgkarma

I just recently seperated from my wife of 9 years and moved into my own place. The details of it all I'll spare everyone, but I thought I'd start a thread on this and see what other people's thoughts are. After a week, it's still quite a shock and at times I'm hit with some depression.

Anyone else like to share how you've overcome a pretty nasty breakup?

I'll write back more, later. Thanks for listening.

bgKarma, bless you from the bottom of my heart. I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe you will find the person of your dreams:

JZ KNIGHT: ... a soul mate is equal to who we are, so the first thing we have to do is fall in love with ourselves. We have to like who we are. Otherwise, if we don’t, we’re going to get frequency specific with people in our life that…

[dailyplanit]

In my experience, you can pretty much expect a whole roller-coaster ride of emotional ups and downs. Hang on! That's normal, and it will get better in time. The up side is that now you can completely focus on who you are and what you want to do from here. I've listed 9 things that helped me during the divorce on my site: Daily PlanIt

[thadroe]

I overcame mine several years ago by realizing that it is just wasted energy to focus on the past or to focus on what could have been. I had to just dust myself off and start moving on a different path, realizing that life is full of changes and that I will never get anywhere unless I make the best of it and enjoy the journey. I made a choice to embrace new experiences.

That really helped me let go and be happy. I started seeking out new challenges and opportunities in my life. I still had ups and downs, but my choice to embrace the change ultimately led to many improvements in my life.

Thad

[Velvet]

I've been separated for almost 2.5 years, after 4 years of marriage. It hasn't been easy, but it's also been a period of accelerated growth for me. I've learned more about acceptance, faith, friendship, and the affirmative life than I ever have, and I've found that, above all else, it's important to focus on feeling good.

Not necessarily in a self-indulgent way (booze, rebound sex, Haagen-Dazs, although all these things have their place ) but healthy stuff like yoga, meditation, fun evenings out with friends, physical exercise, dancing, etc.

It helps also to make a list of all the things you're looking forward to in your new life and in your future partner, and to find things to enjoy and appreciate about your life right now, even if you have to start small.

When my husband first moved out, and I was pretty lonely and miserable, one thing I really enjoyed was being able to dominate the Netflix queue! It was a stupid little thing, but it was a starting point. I enjoyed being able to be sloppy, which he couldn't tolerate. Now there are a whole bunch of things I love about living alone, and I've had some really fun, great, meaningful times on the road to being a gay divorcee.

I found a lot of solace and inspiration in reading books by Byron Katie, Abraham-Hicks, Arleah & Morrie Shechtman, and Marshall Rosenberg.

It's only been a short while for you, so take it easy, don't be too hard on yourself. It's ok to treat yourself like you've had a trauma, b/c you have.

[bgkarma]

I wanna thank each and every one of you for responding to my post so far. It has, indeed, been a trauma for me. Any advice in this area is always appreciated.

A breakup was something I was fearing for years and years, and now that it's actually happened to me, it's very... surreal. But the thing is, a lot of the pain was back there in the relationship and in breaking up at that point in time. Now that it's out of the way and I'm in my own place, the pain just feels different, is calmer.

I have a lot of time to myself to sit and process what has happened and just why I've made the decision I made. It definitely seems like the right decision as more time passes. I do have a lot of good things going for me: a steady job, support from friends and family (six people showed up to help me move!), and some good hobbies (writing, reading, movies, music, art, and so on).

For more details, I've posted the following to my online journal:

My big change, as some of you may already know, is that by now I have separated from my wife of many years and moved into a place of my own. Despite the hardships and emotional struggle, this seems to have given me back my more-raw, more authentic life. So I am thankful.

Depression follows me out and about. This is not a surprise to anyone, like the separation may be. I have always been lonely under all sorts of circumstances. It has not been easy. Through all the years, this relationship felt incredibly forced, felt wrong. It forced me into the martyr's role, and maybe I should've been there. Maybe no one should be there. I have some more thinking to do on that.

I have changed slightly, gradually, and greatly. But I don't think for the worse. The last thing I want in this transition is for people to feel sorry for me. It only makes this kind of transition harder. Family members seem most unable to grasp this and it makes me very silent in correspondence. I don't want to hear a sigh from the other side. The fuse has been spitting and spattering for quite some time.

So I've filled everyone in, just what's been going on with me. From here, I hope to pick up the pieces, pick up with writing. Pick up where I left off years ago. Pick up from a new place.

I am a wiser man.

[Famous Nabob]

Well, first, I wish you the best.

That being said, there are times you will think the world is out to stick it to you and your decision was not a good one. Don't buy it. There's a lot to be said for you regaining a good level of mental health. It's nice to know you're finally clearing out the head and going where you should have been heading all along. Only you know that path.

Next, it's important to remember those friends that support you-- WOW!!-- Six people to help move-- wish I had even one! That's a great support crew! Thank them, and spend time with them building those friendships even stronger.

Next, remember, no mater how low things get, even if all you have is one box of matches, it is YOUR box of matches, dammit, and only YOU will say when they get burned. Things will get low, but YOU are in control of your life and your attitude day-to-day, so try to keep it positive. Remember, tomorrow will be better. You can make it! Don't ever give up on yourself. Create a new dream for yourself, then live it day by day.

Yes, it will be hard, and painful, and it will suck, and then it will be good one day, then fun, then wonderful, then it will be a new life that YOU created. Don't give in to the "sucky" part. Trust me-- it only took me 6 years to get to the good again--ONLY he says!-- but the other side FAR OUTWEIGHS the pain and depresed feelings of today.

I wish you good luck.

[Simpleclicks]

I completely agree with famous Nabob. You are the one who is in charge of your life and life is so precious. Don't waste it. Start from the beginning. There will always be someone who will love you, care for you, appreciate you, need you. Leave everything behind and start a new day.

[- Julien -]

It's tough in the beginning, and there's no easy way. It takes time. But you will pick up, and if I can give you an advice from my recently experience, don't reject anger or sadness. "Leaving everything behind", sure you'll do but first, accept and feel your emotions. They're real.
I wish you the best.

[Belle]

It gets better, it really does.

My breakup involved a nasty custody battle, and I got through it by starting a gratitude journal. On days when things felt really bad, pulling out that journal and realizing that despite everything, there actually WERE five things for which I was grateful, made a big difference to me.

[madgeylou]

i feel like the freshman at senior prom, because i have never been married ... but i did just go through my first real love, and my first real breakup, at the age of 31-33.

he left me a month ago and there are times when it still smarts. what's been getting me is just the simple slap-in-the-face aspect of getting dumped.

it's a simple pain, with depths i dont even want to go fully into, because what is the point? the truth is: he was here, and it was wonderful and weird and awful, in turns, and now he is gone. that statement could be embellished upon endlessly. but, i repeat, what is the point.

i am so happy that you have a vision of what lies ahead of you. the ups are a gift and the downs will pass.

best wishes.

[Cathy]

Time Heals. I know it's a cliche but truly, this too will pass. That's not to say that you won't bear scars from this experience (because you will) but they will not smart as much in the future.
Compared to many others, my divorce was simple (no kids, no alimony, no big drawn out drama). In some ways, I found this to be problematic. Several months after filing, the divorce papers came by mail. Quietly undone. No ceremony. No nothing. It left me with a feeling of "this is all?" Years undone by a single sheet of paper? Not even sent by certified mail? On that day I burned all of my ex's letter just to have something, memorable, final, cleansing.
Time passed. My ex is now happily remarried with 2 small kids. I am also happily remarried, still child free by choice. I don't know what my other future would have held (the one I'd have had if I remained married to my first spouse) but this one is terrific.
My only advice. Be patient with yourself. We all heal at different rates. Also, look forward. Good luck to you.

[joelyle]

hi,
having twice been through divorce: I can empathize. Whatever pain you have may be related to attachment/resentment/sense of failure; the outside world (our relationships/careers/possessions,etc): constitutes the ego (false self). I suggest The Power of Now for ANY suffering in life. The past only exists to the extend we think of it, currently. The future holds for us the prospect of "salvation". Both of these states set us up for suffering. I know divorce is not easy. As you are aware of personal development: you will become more conscious; I can tell you first-hand that this will greatly improve your relationship with your former spouse, as well as any other people you considered attached to this relationship. You WILL get through this. My greatest pains have led to my greatest times of development. Be nice to yourself!

[Considerate]

Perhaps we all wish for a miracle, one time cure all and for relationship issues most of all.

I like the advice of some of the people above. Do one thing to show yourself that its over. Order movies, go to a play or burn something.

I cut my hair.

While it's not a miracle, this sort of act is akin to magic. A catalyst to let go.

[madgeylou]

Originally Posted by Considerate

I like the advice of some of the people above. Do one thing to show yourself that its over. Order movies, go to a play or burn something.

I cut my hair.

While it's not a miracle, this sort of act is akin to magic. A catalyst to let go.

i cut my hair and bought a hot, ridiculously expensive pair of boots i'd been wanting.

it definitely helps -- it's like a line in the sand. i am who i am NOW, not who i was with that person.

[Strangemagik]

I just try to keep busy. Find things to do. Go have dinner with friends or just hang out and chat. Spend extra time with "our" daughter. I concentrate on work

I separated from my husband 4 months ago. I thought it would make me happy(I was mildly depressed) and is what I wanted. Now I'm not so sure or it could just be loneliness setting in. Its a long story but I was engaged when I met him(to another guy and was also depressed with situation) 3 weeks after we started dating I was moving in and 4 months later our daughter was on her way and 7 months we married. So fast and definitely not my best decision.

BUT now 4 months later I finally realize that I still have feelings for him though I didn't think so at the time I left. He wants nothing to do with me, understandably, and I cried for 2 nights but just last night was so tired that I was able to fall asleep before letting the thinking take control. Its rough!!!

I do pretty good to get over depression on my own. It helps I know the symptoms and can work to resolve the issues quickly. For my work in a children's shelter we did a training on 5 steps of grief and that has helped me alot too in this current situation.

Funny though 2 days of crazy emotions and now I'm geting back to the "its okay if things don't resolve(in marriage) I will move on and create a new life".

[Strangemagik]

wow things have improved for me already in that realm. Just tonight we(my husband and I) had a pretty long talk and touched basis with the happenings of our separation. He said he cant go back the way things were, right now, maybe someday but not today. I guess thats a hope but I'll still work on keeping positive with idea that it "may" not work itself out.

[JeffS]

I just read "Ask and It Is Given" by Jerry and Esther Hicks, and one of the points that really struck me was that you tend to attract things into your experience when you want them, but not when you "need" them. When you need, you're thinking a lot about what it's like to NOT have them, so you attract that.

It is intended to apply to everything, but it seems particularly apropos, just reading your last two posts, Melissa. I wish you well.

[Smooth]

My girlfriend of 2 years and 8 months broke up with me yesterday. Had I not read on personal development these past months it would've totally consumed me. It still hurts a lot, I'm still looking for the miracle technique to get over it right away hehe. I wrote everything that I felt right now and started visualizing my life without this person. The process is very painful but in my mind it's necessary. I would like to thank everyone for their helpful tips, you guys are helping people like me indirectly

Best wishes to you bgkarma.