Addicted to a girl, and i don't want to be
Ok this is going to be a pretty long story. Want I want a advice about? How to get over her...
I'm 20, she is 19. I met this girl at school in August of 07, we jumped right into a relationship and things were good. 2 weeks in i lost my virginity to her. After about 3 weeks i found her annoying and then broke up with her. She was crushed, i didn't care at all.
Then she gets together with this guy about 2 weeks later and for 3 months they stay together (break up in january). I hate this guy, he is a douche bag womanizing piece of ♥♥♥♥♥. After they break up i realize all the sudden that i miss her a lot. We get back into a relationship in February and things are amazing. I don't think she is annoying, i look at her completely differently and i am so into her. I have no idea how i felt differently about her.
The relationship is great. We have sex about every night, (not bragging, just think sex with her is relevant to my problems). She tells me she loves me. She sleeps over every night. We get along great. not a single fight, i don't think i'm in love but things with her are so good. About 1 1/2 months in i find out she cheated on me (had sex with her ex bf). I was so crushed. I can't sleep, i can't study, all i think about is her. I didn't talk to her for a week and then she begged me for another chance. I gave her another chance.
1 week later I hear that she has once again been cheating on me from one of her friends (sex again). She tells me that she intended on telling me, not true.
So at this point i want to kill her and him (not literally, i am sane). her roommate hangs out at my house quite often so i decide to pursue her. She is good looking and i wanted to have sex with her because i am horny but more for the fact that my ex would find out. And find out she did. it crushed her and i hated seeing her like that. Having sex with her roommate made me feel terrible and made me think about my ex more.
So i talk to her the next day or the one after and then she says she wants another chance. We talk for 2 hours in my car about how things are going to work and she convinced me to give her another chance, don't ask me how.
Right after i said she can have another chance, literally, she goes up to this guy's house AGAIN, but this time they don't have sex. The next day she comes over and we talk and i tell her i am giving her one last chance, at this point it is almost humorous to me how disgustingly terrible our relationship has come to be that i actually laughed at what i was doing.
The following day she text messages me saying that she failed once again, not sex, but talking to the guy. So i am completely done with this, i couldn't handle it. Didn't talk to her for another 2 weeks.
End of the semester rolls around and i tell her i want to say goodbye to her. we meet up a couple days later and talk for 2 hours. We get into relationship talk and about how we're going to talk a lot over the summer and if things go well we will want to get back together. this other guy she had cheated on me with said he didn't want a relationship at all because he is a piece of crap and just wanted sex.
So now summer rolls around and her and i start texting constantly. More than 100 times a day, 24/7 we are in contact. We talk on the phone for 2 hours a night minimum. we are obsessing over one another. If she doesn't text me fast enough i get pissed, and vice versa. I know, childish. but we talk about how we're so obsessed with eachother that it is not healthy, but we both like that we are both into one another.
she talks dirty to me on the phone, she sends me videos, etc. i forgot to mention that i believe she was somewhat addicted to sex, as was i. so we talk so much for about three weeks that it basically seems we're together.
I see a psychiatrist to see why i don't hate her for what she did. I want to know why i can't forget about her. i want to know how i can still have her in my life but not feel miserable. He says i can't have her in my life as a friend and that i am addicted to her. She is my drug. I feel this is very true. I can't stand not talking to her and i can't just see her as a friend.
anyways, so one night i don't talk to her and she gets so pissed for 2 days. things seem completely different, she says it's because she doesn't like feeling so obsessive that she gets that pissed about something so little. but i think it's because this other guy started talking to her again.
anyways, she lives in kansas and her mom was going to get surgery in ohio so, being from PA, i was going to go visit her for 4 days. 2 days before that she tells me that we are moving way too quickly and that she wants to slow things down for a bit and be more friendly. Next thing i know we aren't talking on the phone and rarely texting one another.
I knew it had to be because of this other guy. And i was right, one day before i was going to see her in ohio he tells her he likes her again and they get into a f****** relationship. i think he just wanted to get back with her because he didn't want me to come visit her in ohio. that is the first thing he said to her when they got together, is jon going to come visit you? he lives really close to ohio. I know that is the only reason why he got back together with her, it has to be. so anyways, again, i am screwed, 5 times. I feel like ♥♥♥♥♥, all i think about is her. how she chose him again. how i lost. how she likes him more than me. how she lied to me. how she led me on. i feel miserable whenever i'm alone. all i think about is her. i still feel obsessive.
i haven't talked to her for 3 days, i'm trying to get over her and get her out of my life completely. it's very hard. HOW DO I GET OVER THIS GIRL!?!?!
I would say explore your options
You seem to recognize that she is bad for you. You even said you believed she was your drug. If that's the case, you should approach it as such.
I think talking to someone is a good choice. I think like all addicts you need to seperate yourself from contact with her.
If I was in your shoes, I would continue to enjoy your youth but through other people. Like you said, you lost your virginity to this girl, so its understandable that you have a certain level of emotion attachment; however, you need to realize that your emotional experience is limited. You have to realize that while you may (dis)like someone, they aren't the right person for you. Easier said than done, but move on and find somebody new and clean out the demons in your own closet.
Try to find a more sane girl next time
Looks like you are on a roller-coaster ride! I will PM you about this.
thanks for the responses! any other suggestions i haven't talked to her for 4 days and i feel good at times but other times i'm in some sort of a withdrawal and feel like a pile of crap.
The only way to get over a woman is to find a new one.
I remember when I first went to college and there was this guy I knew from high school and he was "in love" with me but I wasn't that into him so I broke it off. We had been chatting in a public forum and after I broke up with him he kept going there and then started talking dirty to this other girl on the forum and so I got a new ID on the forum so I could spy on him and it just made me feel terrible and it was so painful but I couldn't stop.
I was so unhappy and I wanted to go back to him, but I didn't and eventually met other people and then found Mr. Right. Just know that a relationship should not be so painful, when you find the right person you should feel like you are floating on air, not walking on nails.
Maybe you could try reading Erin's article on "How to Attract the Relationship of Your Dreams".
Forgive me if this is harsh, but I think what you need is a dose of reality and some hard love.
What I'm about to tell you comes from some painful personal growth, so please understand that I'm not judging you... I've been there myself and I just want to help...
First, you need to get some standards... Second, you have a scarcity mentality... Third, you need to stop thinking of women as nothing more then a wet orifice for you to masturbate in... I'll explain...
A quick dose of reality… She cheated on you, she put your health at risk by having sex with (your words) a POS womanizer behind your back, she lied to you repeatedly, she embarrassed you in front of your friends and schoolmates (trust me they all know), she disrespected you to your face, and the list goes on... Are any of these things on your list of things you would want from your lover? Your girlfriend? Your wife? You know what happens if you don’t stand up for yourself, don’t you? Let me tell you a secret. Women hate weak men. You know why? Because they can’t trust them. Whether they realize it or not consciously they know that if they can control a man - so can any other woman. This girl will never be able to respect you again even if she wants to. You must have standards, and you must not compromise, ever. Sit your ass down, get a piece of paper and write down what are your requirements for a partner… Think in terms of things that are important to you… (i.e. loyal, honest, does not live with her parents, daddy’s girl, open minded, traditional, non-smoker, pothead, bisexual and likes to experiment, frigid, serious, playful… whatever floats your boat)… Take an hour, a day, a month – whatever it takes, but figure it out… and then stick to it… It’s called being a man…
One of the keys to having standards is abundance mentality. Let me ask you this, if you knew that sometime during the next year you will meet your true love (or whatever your ultimate vision is), would you give a damn about this girl? If you knew that the Universe (or God or whatever) will always supply you with abundance of love, friendship and sex. If you knew that no matter what - you will have a good and happy life. How long would you allow someone to mistreat you in that case? Take a piece of paper and write on it. “I trust the universe to supply my abundance of pu**y.” Tape it to your bathroom mirror. Repeat this phrase as often as you can. I promise you you’ll be amazed how much better you will feel once you start to believe it.
There is nothing wrong about wanting a woman just for sex. But sex (at least good sex) is not the same as jerking off in another wet orifice. There are many ways to explain this, but I’ll appeal to the male ego in this case. If you want women beating a path to your door and sending all of their cute friends over, you have to understand one thing. Good sex is more emotional then physical. You have to make a woman feel special. Screwing a girl because you’re horny and want to get back at your ex will earn you a reputation as a bad lover (trust me women talk about this to other women) and then you will truly have a scarcity…
Anyways… If any of this struck a nerve with you (especially if any of it made you feel angry at yourself) let me know and I’ll be happy to share my experiences and how I got through them… Otherwise I wish you good luck… You’ll get through this eventually; just remember to learn from it…
I can kinda relate to what you are going through. It's the very definition of hell. The only way I was able to overcome such an obsession is to make a new one - so explore an activity you haven't before and something that excites you, something that no other person can take away.
Do you know what you want out of life? What would you want to do that does not depend on other people? Career ambition? Things you want to do before you die? Go to Europe? It can be anything.
... and welcome to the forum. :)
Hey there jjm,
That was quality advice from igmistro, seriously listen to that advice! (hey igmistro, do I detect a little ideagasms teachings there? :-)! Also just an observation man, but reading your post I kinda picked up that you have alot of the same qualities that enrage you as your girl does. you know the whole world is your mirror thing? Well here's an article on the Inner Game Tapping site that helped me understand things alot and I hope you find it helps you too man, good luck ;-).
Why You Must First Love Yourself - Tapping.com
Sometimes we like to suffer, its weird, but that the way our minds works, so we keep doing or not doing the things that hurt us, the drunk, the person who cuts his wirst, the teenager who dont do their homework, the person who eats a lot, the person who doesnt work at all, the person who keeps getting into relationships that hurt him/her, they all suffer from that, but they cant change by just using their will, because their desire is not actually to change but to keep getting pleasure by hurting themselves and suffering, conciously they know that its no good, subcounciously they want to keep suffering.
I strongly recommend you to use EFT to work on the inner problems you may have about suffering. EFT its a strange technique but works really good for resolving psycological problems like traumas, bad feelings, bad thoughts, etc, try it, i used it and can say it does what it promises, Tapping.com - Free EFT Videos - Emotional Freedom Technique there are other videos on youtube you should look for too.
Jesus bless you.
loving the advice igmistro. I haven't talked to her for close to two weeks now and there is still a good amount of hurt. i never really thought about the way she was treating me, i was just too infatuated to look at how disrespected i was. she truly treated me like garbage. I'm guessing only time away from her will help me truly forget her.
also igmistro, i don't look at girls like that at all. I've have numerous chances to have sex with girls before college and was trying to save myself for someone special. this girl was the special girl and i did feel we had amazing sex because my emotions were so involved with it. I loved to please her more than myself. Anyways, i don't feel i could just have sex with a girl and not talk to them ever again because i'm not like that, (unless she was an absolute 10). I'm a relationship type of guy and i believe i was just trying to force our relationship even though there was no chance of trust and a healthy status.
That tapping worked actually. i'm feeling some relief right now and i just did it. I wonder if it is mental though. i try to bring up thoughts that pissed me off in the past and now they are really having little affect. very weird, thanks!
One other thing jjm... The fastest way to get rid of hurt is to realize that she is not a bad person, just the wrong person for you. We all do the best that we can every moment of our lives. Although my previous post was written to imply otherwise, she did not in fact mistreat you... You did that to yourself by allowing this type of behavior in your life. Take a little time and think of your part in this drama. Take responsibility for your actions. Then forgive yourself. You did the best that you could at the time and now you have grown and are a wiser man for it. Then once you have accepted this as a growing experience you may even find yourself compelled to apologize to her. (You did after all encourage her behavior and with that done her a great disservice.)
how is she not a bad person if she cheated on me? how did she not mistreat me? i'm not saying it's impossible, but teach me why. I do feel like i let some of it happen, but i don't see how i am the bad person in it too. i would love to know how you think that though. i have feel like i've matured 10 times from this, especially with relationships. it's opened up having long talks with my dad about it and we've never talked emotionally. it feels great.
finally, would it be smart to write her a letter? i'm thinking about telling her how i feel and why things have to be like this and at the end tell her not to respond to it because i want to get over the whole situation. would this make it hard to forget about her if i'm the one who is talking and she does not respond?
How many things have you done in your life that you are not proud of? Can you imagine that perhaps there are things you did that hurt others and you are not even aware of it? I'll even quote your original post. "i wanted to have sex with her because i am horny but more for the fact that my ex would find out. And find out she did. it crushed her and i hated seeing her like that. Having sex with her roommate made me feel terrible and made me think about my ex more." Does any of this make you a bad person? I seriously doubt it...
I'll give you an analogy... If you adopt a puppy, do you get angry at it when it poops on your carpet. Not likely. You patiently teach it that it has to go outside. Now if you never bothered to teach that lesson, is it the dogs fault that it still poops inside the house after it has grown up? This is no different. You never taught this girl that she can't treat you like that, thus you are the one responsible. It's not her fault if she doesn't know better, nobody ever taught her.
As far as the letter goes... I'd hold off until you truly understand this lesson. And if you do decide to write it after that, I'd recommend that you thank her for the experience.
ok i admit i f****** up with having sex for her roommate, but i didn't cheat on her 4 times. how am i suppose to teach her not to cheat on me when she tells me she won't over and over and i believe it, but yet she still does it. do i teach her by not talking to her? then by not talking to her i let him take her, and that pisses me off. there it is, i am selfish. i think i wanted to win her over him
how does she not know it is bad to cheat on someone? you think there is no way she is a narcissist who gets off playing two guys at a time? you think that it is all my fault, and that there isn't a chance that she loves to f*** people over? In the big book of disorders she has all the qualities of a narcissist, and my therapist told me she most likely gets off messing with mine and his head. how am i wrong, i just don't see it. i can understand your analogy with other situations, but not a cheating situation. can you explain with more details?
You are missing the point... Even if she is in fact completely aware of the repercussions of her behavior, she is still doing the best she can. It's all she knows how to be. The reasoning is not important. Would it make you feel better is she had an abusive father who molested her constantly and now she thinks all men are scum?
As far as my analogy and cheating... I'm willing to bet that there were plenty of situations prior that where she did something that you didn't particularly like. She was late when she knew you were in a hurry. Perhaps she was rude to you friend. Maybe you asked her to do something and she flaked out. If you didn't stand up for yourself in those situations, then you have conditioned her to mistreat you. Until she started cheating.
But you assume that she has done all those things to me. more than half of the time if she did something like the stuff you listed i would speak up about it. and those examples just sound like an average argument a couple might get in to, nothing in relationship to cheating. i just don't think i can understand this at all.
He's pretty much telling you to stand up for yourself once the cheating happened. After the second time she cheated on you that should have been a hint that things weren't going to work out...Especially with the short ammount of time between the cheatings. It partially is your fault you let it go on like this, you should have ended the relationship then and there (Although it isn't your fault that she chose to cheat). Hope I explained it right.
For me, I draw the line at one. It'd be extremely rare for me to accept the relationship after that (Probably based on the length of time we are together).
True... I am making an assumption. I wasn't there to observe your relationship. I've never talked to this girl, I have no idea what she is like. But I have a hard time believing that cheating is out of character for her. Therefore, I have to assume that there were plenty of situations beforehand that should have warned you of what to come. The way you phrased your response - "more than half of the time if she did something like the stuff you listed i would speak up" - makes me think that you actually know what I'm talking about, but are not willing to take response-ability for it. Btw, "an average argument a couple might get in to" is not agreeing which movie they should go see tonight. The examples I gave (obviously based on my own standards) are not an argument. In my life, anyone who lies, disrespects my time, breaks promises, or is rude to my friends gets a warning (meaning I explain why I will not tolerate that kind of behavior) and then is summarily dismissed if it happens again. It's not a discussion. Accept that it is not your job to tell other people how to behave. But you have to tell then how you expect to be treated and never compromise. You have to get out of the victim mentality. The more you think that "She did this to me" or that "How could I have known" the more you give up control of your life. Understand that neither of you are at fault. Accept the fact that you weren't mistreated and you didn't mistreat her. Both of you did the best that you knew how. The same with her roommate. Although you might regret your actions, at the time you didn't know there was a better way. Think through that situation. Let go of guilt. Accept that you have learned the lesson and will not do that again. Then I would highly recommend that you go and talk to the roommate. Tell her that your actions were wrong, that you had no intention of hurting her, and that you now know better. You never know, you might actually make a new friend (or more.) If nothing else I guarantee you'll at least gain a lot of respect in her eyes. And remember, girls talk to other girls.
Wow! And there was me thinking soap operas were only fictional!
You and her are both thinking with your private parts only. You aren't behaving like responsible adults, you only care about one thing, and it's pretty obvious what that is!
She sounds like a no good cheap you know what. Why are you obsessing over someone so morally debauched?
Honestly there weren't many situations to warn me about her going to cheat on me in the future. Like i said in my first post, our relationship was virtually flawless and we never got into a single argument until she cheated on me.
So before i start a relationship i should tell the girl i expect not to be cheated on? come on, you're thinking so liberally. you look at it so weird and confusingly . How come i can't stare straight at the situation and see that she is messed up? you look at the situation so differently, is it because i'm looking at the situation too literally and not thinking deeper like you?
The more you think that "She did this to me" or that "How could I have known" the more you give up control of your life.
that sentence makes a lot of sense to me. when i think like that my mind goes all over. how do i let go of the guilt?
In a way yes... I'm looking deeper... I'm trying to show you a different way to react to these situations. I'm trying to show you how to stay in control of your world.
Consider that when we feel wronged we feel powerless and out of control. So we resort to wanting to blame others for our pain. It's a natural response, because it's the easiest. If you believe that she is the villain, then you can be angry at her. And the anger will make you feel strong and powerful. It will put you back in control. Look inside yourself. Experience the anger. See that you actually do feel better. But if you are honest with yourself you will soon realize that this control is an illusion. And as the anger subsides - the pain comes back. I know that this is a hard lesson, but if you want to be free of this once and for all you have to understand. Even if you were the model boyfriend and she was an evil backstabbing sl*t, hating her for it shows that she is in control of your life and not you. Anger is another way of saying that you are weak.
So instead I'm trying to offer you another way. Accept that people hurt other people jjm. No one is perfect. Not even you. That doesn't mean we're all "bad" people. We all make mistakes. It's the most natural thing for us. Perhaps even more natural than breathing (since there are people who say we don't breathe well). Once you realize this, you will begin to develop compassion for yourself and others. You will stop being a victim and instead become a teacher. And next time someone tries to hurt you will be able to say "I will not be treated this way. I honor your right to be the way you are, but not with me." And you will start to see that guilt is nothing more than a feedback mechanism that tells you that you didn't like the outcome of your actions. That you did something that went against your values and beliefs. Once you understand this - letting go of guilt becomes easy. All you have to do is learn your lesson and know that next time you'll do better. Often you can even correct your mistake. Which is why I suggested you talk to the roommate. It will help you see that guilt doesn't have to stick around.
this all makes sense. giving me some inner peace. i hate no one and i currently look at the situation as something to learn from. albeit, i doubt this feeling will last forever, but for the moment i feel at peace and that i understand exactly what you mean.
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