How to stop caring what other people think of you

[LindaF]

I've been reading through many blog posts and also did some general searches, but haven't found this addressed anywhere here: How do you stop caring about what other people think of you? I know, logically, that you can't even know or predict what other people think, much less change their thoughts. I also know intellectually that other people's thoughts about what you do, say, plan, or think really don't matter. But this is something I struggle with -- a lot. In fact, often during the day I pause before doing something and wonder what a certain person would think of it...even if it's a person I haven't seen in ages, even if I know that what they think means less than nothing in regards to my decision! I especially tend to conjure up in my mind an image of the person who is least likely to understand/appreciate what I'm doing/saying/thinking.

Don't get me wrong -- these thoughts never keep me from actually doing what I want to do. They're not crippling -- but they are a downer, and worrisome.

Any thoughts from people who have been there (or people who haven't been there)?

Thanks,

Linda

[Flame]

This is something I've struggled with, and it's hard get over being slighted or having someone disrespect you. It helped me to start by working on my self-image and esteem. It's a lot harder to let others get you down when you're "gung-ho" about yourself (in a good way, not megalomania )

Steve writes a lot about these issues, but I'm new and not familiar enough with the articles to pull links. (I'm v. sorry-- Perhaps some of the site veteran's can help us?) He also addresses them in parts of his podcasts, which are a nice place to start if you haven't heard any. I was most skeptical regarding the one about "subjective reality," yet that podcast turned out to be truly enlightening and helped me distance myself from other people's opinions.

Good luck on your journey!

[JJP]

When those thoughts come up, you could try thinking about all the people, family, relatives, friends, pets, etc. that love you, accept you, "approve" of you, and care about you unconditionally. You could even include God in there, or the universe, or your higher self, or some higher power if you want. Get it? I guess it makes you remember that you safely belong somewhere already, and counteracts the thoughts of wanting other people's approval. Works for me. Let me know if you try this

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by JJP

When those thoughts come up, you could try thinking about all the people, family, relatives, friends, pets, etc. that love you, accept you, "approve" of you, and care about you unconditionally. You could even include God in there, or the universe, or your higher self, or some higher power if you want. Get it? I guess it makes you remember that you safely belong somewhere already, and counteracts the thoughts of wanting other people's approval. Works for me. Let me know if you try this

Thinking about God helps tremendously for me when I'm in that situation. I guess every one will have their few moments of doubt, and non-acceptance by your group.

God will accept you and love you unconditionally. When I tell myself even if the whole world don't appreciate what I do, God knows and He loves me. It makes my emotions settled immediately.

[JeffS]

You know, this probably isn't very comforting, but Paul Graham had a great comment in one of his essays that you really can't stop caring about what people think of you. If you did (he says) you'd be some sort of psychopath--caring about what people think is natural and a very important part of how society works.

Now, of course that doesn't mean you can't solve this problem: many of the comments above are very helpful, even if you accept that you'll always care what people think.

[Michelle]

It is about humility.

For example, when I sing it is easy to get caught into caring what other people think about me and my singing. This is when I need to remind myself that it isn't about them, and it isn't about me - it is about the singing and doing my best for the art in the moment.

[ÜberDan]

Hi Linda

I think most people feel like this to some degree I certainly have. I approach it in two ways the first is mental discipline. The constant thoughts of concern about others opinions need to be kept in check. If you are conscious and aware of them you are able to ignore them, let them subside, carry on regardless, focus on the task in hand and consistency will help you move away from them so they are more balanced.

Maybe a weekly or daily challenge to yourself to do one thing you know will attract attention and comments but you will do anyway and make a point of being happy and certain about it.

The second approach I have is, why I am concerned, why do I care. Is it a mental habit that I have these thoughts? Is it because I want to please everyone as we all know this is impossible. Am I protecting my image, my ego?

I usually analyse first then use simple tasks and challenges to start a change. A Tony Robbins event usually helps get you over any self-consciousness very quickly

One book I found very useful for conscious discipline is "Taming Your Gremlin: A Surprisingly Simple Method for Getting Out of Your Own Way".

All the best,

Dan

[helgi]

The only reason you feel threatened by rejection is the belief that acceptance can do something for you. So, the only reason you care about what people think of you is because you believe that their judgment can either hurt you or save you, neither of which is true.

It's important to let go of other people's good opinions in order to become free of the influence of their negative opinions. Which does not mean that you become insensitive or arrogant; you simply recognize that opinions are fleeting and relatively insubstantial, both the good and the bad.

When you're dealing with a polarity like that, you can only have freedom from the negative side by relinquishing desire for the positive one. Can't have one side of the coin without the other, etc.

I recommend What do you care what other people think? by Richard Feynman, and also his other book Surely you're joking, mr. Feynman

[LindaF]

These are wonderful tips. It's especially good to remember that I need to stop being concerned with other people's disapproval -- *and* their approval. Neither can do anything for me. Maybe part of this springs from being a writer, where I'm always selling, selling, selling articles and books to editors. Getting editors to approve of your ideas and writing is important!

I have definitely become more aware of the problem recently. Fortunately, I can catch myself when I'm in the middle of having these fleeting thoughts and stop them in their tracks (and it's amazing how many times it happens every day). But it's very hard to stop the thoughts before they start, which is the problem.

We actually have those Feynman books here in the house, so I'll have to dig them up.

Thanks, everyone, for your advice!

Linda

[RandomGuy101]

I also suffer from worrying about what other people think about me too much. One place where I really notice this is at the gym. I am constantly having thoughts like "I wonder if that girl is looking at me?" "Maybe I should increase the weight I'm lifting to appear stronger," "Why does this person keep looking at me? I probably look terrible," etc.

One thing that helps me is just focusing on my breathing and thinking about nothing, similar to what I do while meditating. I am also going to try the great suggestions on this thread! I love the idea of thinking about the people who love me and my higher self.

Taking this to the extreme though, we do have to care about what other's think of us as least somewhat. As JeffS said you would probably be considered insane if you didn't care AT ALL what other's thought.

[helgi]

Originally Posted by LindaF

But it's very hard to stop the thoughts before they start, which is the problem.

If you feel that you need to stop them from arising they'll probably keep coming, because trying to think thought away is like fighting fire with fire.
However, when you can allow them to arise and just observe them they will quiet down automatically.


And btw., I just remembered a great quotation from Wayne Dyer on the subject: "What you think of me is none of my business"

[demk]

Originally Posted by helgi

If you feel that you need to stop them from arising they'll probably keep coming, because trying to think thought away is like fighting fire with fire.
However, when you can allow them to arise and just observe them they will quiet down automatically.

What do you think of the Byron Katie method for dealing with thoughts? In some ways it seems to be in opposition to mindfulness based methods because you do think away stressful thoughts. Maybe its a way to train yourself to see all your thoughts as meaningless? Its woorking well for me at the moment with any paranoid thoughts.

[LindaF]

Helgi, great point. I think that the fact that I'm aware of the thoughts as they pop up, whereas I used to just feel vaguely anxious and not know why, is a step in the right direction. I like your idea of just observing the thoughts.

Thanks to everyone for your advice!

[placebo]

I had a problem with depression two years ago. It was a year long period. I'm not going to explain that here, cause it is not our topic. (I feel better now). And during my sickness i noticed that i'm becoming a sociophobic. I was walking down the street and everyone kept looking at me, talk about me, laugh. I was the center of the world, everyone knew me. Of, course not. It was just my disturbed view. Imagine what was i thinking when i meet someone new or spend time in a group of people.
Then i read this somewhere. When we are in 20's we think everyone thinks about us. In 30's we don't care if they think about us. And in 40's we know that no one was thinking about us. People are to occupied with themselves and their problems. When you find person who loves you, you won't care about other opinions.

[Radical]

I think I might have this problem.

I'm usually thinking about what other people are thinking. For instance, someone smirks at me - "What are they smirking about?" Someone smiles at me -"OMG they must fancy me." Someone looks at me for more than 2 seconds -"What are they staring at?"

[Angela]

I think Helgi's right to suggest allowing your concern to arise, observe it, and then let it go. There's a trick that works well for me: have a code word (a happy, kind of neutral word, like "flapjack") that you say to yourself whenever you recognize that you're needlessly worrying. Your code word will allow you to quickly release the power that the worry holds over you, and the more you practice it, the less often the worry will come to you.

(Anyway, the sheer number of possible judgements someone might be making about you makes it probable that your guess would be wrong. And those judgements all reflect back on themselves in any case; it's not about you.)

[JHL]

The only reason you feel threatened by rejection is the belief that acceptance can do something for you. So, the only reason you care about what people think of you is because you believe that their judgment can either hurt you or save you, neither of which is true.

Superbly put, you hit the nail on the head. Its a horribly false and damaging belief that has caused me great amounts of inner turmoil. I think I need to print this out and have it tattooed on my forehead.

[helgi]

Originally Posted by demk

What do you think of the Byron Katie method for dealing with thoughts? In some ways it seems to be in opposition to mindfulness based methods because you do think away stressful thoughts. Maybe its a way to train yourself to see all your thoughts as meaningless? Its woorking well for me at the moment with any paranoid thoughts.

I think these are not mutually exclusive, and Byron Katie's method is very practical for dealing with deeply rooted subconscious fears. You confront your largest specific fears, and then when you've dragged these out into the light you'll be able to observe them when they arise again (which they probably will for some time, at first), and thus not get lost in them.

The difference between trying to stop thoughts from arising with force and then Byron Katie's method, is that the former deals only with the effect of the problem. In "the Work," you allow the thoughts to arise and then pick them apart until nothing is left of the illusion. Whereas when you, for example, try hard to think in a way that stops the thoughts from arising, it's like attempting to empty an overflowing bathtub without first shutting off the flow of water into it.

To allow thoughts and emotions to arise without judging them does not exclude other methods of dealing with fear etc., but merely gives you the chance of being able to look at them without becoming them.

[Deepsovel]

It is often a common habit of thinking what others think about you. I had the same problem before. But then we all have idols, and if not, we should make ones. And then, thinking about what those idols think of what you did in a particular situation, would be a constructive exercise than a destructive one. For eg. in matters of integrity, I think of Howard Roark, in being brave I think of Columbus. I know it seems far-fetched, but it actually helps!

[helgi]

Originally Posted by JHL

I think I need to print this out and have it tattooed on my forehead.

Print this one out, but make your forehead tattoo say "what you think of me is none of my business"

[Josip]

Originally Posted by LindaF

....

Any thoughts from people who have been there (or people who haven't been there)?

Thanks,

Linda

Here is how I do this:

First, maybe that people have right. I allways want to hear well meaning feedback and actually often request it.
Second, analyse feedback to see is it useful
Third, if it is useful it is great help to improve.
If not useful, it is easy to not care what people think because now I know they think stupid things, isn't it simple?

[Fusebox]

Some excellent responses.

I'd say its to do with self confidence. Have faith in yourself, believe in what you want to be. Its not easy, but you will require to consciously practice it.

[demk]

Originally Posted by helgi

I think these are not mutually exclusive, and Byron Katie's method is very practical for dealing with deeply rooted subconscious fears. You confront your largest specific fears, and then when you've dragged these out into the light you'll be able to observe them when they arise again (which they probably will for some time, at first), and thus not get lost in them.

This is exactly what I'm getting. It has changed my thoughts about how the mind works. I didnt realise that I was acting on the basis of so many badly interpreted perceptions. Thoughts can pass you by so quickly.

[thef0x]

I have learned, after isolating myself from the herd and thinking poorly of the human race that, regardless of how great we are, we cannot escape others.

Jean-Paul Sartre says that "Other's are hell" and I say they are, but necessary.

You should care about what others think of you because you live in a society of others.

But you should know what society of others to value.

[wills]

I used to be paralysed by the thought that 'someone will think badly of me if I ..." I do not think those thoughts very often any more.

Peace in this regard came to me when I realized that I am an honest person who always operates with the best of intentions. If there are people so ill-intentioned that they would go out of their way to judge me then that is their problem. If I have made a mistake, I acknowledge it and the power for them to hurt me is gone. If I act unreasonably then I must make amends. I do this, however, not to please anyone else but to please me.

You'll stop worrying about what other people thin of you the moment you start respecting (and living up to ) your own ideals.

[Fusebox]

wills, excellent train of thought you have going.

[helgi]

Just wrote an article on the subject that may be of interest, thought I'd post a link to it:

What do you care what other people think?

[Jan]

Helgi - great article, thanks!

It is very interesting to know that so many people worry (to differing degrees) about what others think of them. You tend to believe it's only you.

Just knowing that many people feel the same way alleviates the problem for the most part - as you realize they are busy worrying about what you and others think of them!

Gaining insight into so many others' (otherwise confidential) thoughts is a great use of forums!

[JJH]

@helgi: great article, thanks. Just bookmarked your page. Good work

[LindaF]

Beautiful, Helgi! Thanks for writing this. Extremely helpful.

Linda