How to stop caring what other people think of you

[Radical]

I'm beginning to think this is the primary adversity of the human condition. Trapped by perceptions of others judgments; turned bitter by potential squandered.

[MarkusL]

I've always kept in mind not think about what the others are thinking. I noticed that whenever I think about what others think thats when I can't focus on MY life. I like to help people but first I need to help myself. I may sound selfish and detached but whenever someone really needs help, I do what I can to give them a hand.

[Isis Kali]

It's completely human to wonder what others think. Like a previous posted said, you'd be a psycho if you didn't, or a megalomaniac. However, if you feel that you're taking on too many opinions, you can back up and say, "What is it that this person's opinion offers to me? What hole in myself just opened up that needs filling?"

One thing I find useful is someone's just being spiteful, and trying to hurt me, is "Is this person sleeping with me, or paying my taxes, or paying me, period? No? OK, then." In that case, they need to shut up.

ETA: Helgi...great article. Feynman is awesome.

[helgi]

Thanks for the comments everyone

[tc33]

Helgi -- good stuff, thanks. Please RSS-enable your site so I can quickly & easily access your new content as it is published. Thanks!

Tom

[icesar]

I think the root cause is self-esteem, so it's a problem to be solved from the inside out. Have you guys read "What do you care what other people think?" by Richard Feynman?

[Nicketas]

Originally Posted by LindaF

I've been reading through many blog posts and also did some general searches, but haven't found this addressed anywhere here: How do you stop caring about what other people think of you? I know, logically, that you can't even know or predict what other people think, much less change their thoughts. I also know intellectually that other people's thoughts about what you do, say, plan, or think really don't matter. But this is something I struggle with -- a lot. In fact, often during the day I pause before doing something and wonder what a certain person would think of it...even if it's a person I haven't seen in ages, even if I know that what they think means less than nothing in regards to my decision! I especially tend to conjure up in my mind an image of the person who is least likely to understand/appreciate what I'm doing/saying/thinking.

Don't get me wrong -- these thoughts never keep me from actually doing what I want to do. They're not crippling -- but they are a downer, and worrisome.

Any thoughts from people who have been there (or people who haven't been there)?

Thanks,

Linda

Simple.


What people think of you is none of your business.


Think about that untill it sinks fully and completely. Emotionalize it and visualize it.

[moviestar]

Sorry to say this but all your advice is wrong and worth nothing.

You cannot solve the problem by the same thing that causes the problem.

You can't stop thinking by THINKING MORE!
All your advice suggests to change the way you think.

To not care what somebody thinks is to NOT THINK AT ALL!

You cannot do that with thinking more. So how to do this? In order to change your thinking you must DO something about it. Make some ACTION. I'll share a technique that has helped me A LOT.
This will need a little courage and time. You must force yourself to do it, but in the end you will be a changed person:


What you do is look people in the eyes.
Every person you meet during the day, at work, at home, shops, street look them deeply in the eyes for as long as possible. On a busy street don't even not look at somebody for a second . Constantly look at people. In a city you should get hundreds of eye contacts a day (I go out to the crowdiest place in the city).

The real purpose of this task is not to look in the eyes but to stop thinking what they think of you.
The reason why you are not looking people in the eyes in the first place is because you are concerned of what they think of you if they catch you looking. So when you look people straight in the eyes you are completely ignoring what they think of you.

Here is a tip that is very useful for me and will help you complete this. In order to do deep prolonged eye contact succesfully you must find a reason to make eye contact besides making eye contact! Don't ever think about making eye contact! So how?
What you do is get yourself into the state of... WONDER. This is the state that you were in as a child. Before you got any concepts in your head. Before there was a separation between you and other people. Before you knew that eyes look at you. You get into this state because of the reason you are looking at the eyes. My reason is to simply find out what the color of their eyes is. That's it, that reason does it for me. I just look at peoples eyes and I forget about what they think about. Other reasons might be: making statistics about eye color, checking if they will look at you, noticing the shape of the eye, trying to figure out their emotion from their eyes, trying to make a reaction like smile etc.
This takes practice. Commit it to it and some day you will notice you are not the same person anymore.

[JJP]

moviestar, I like your technique. I do it in a similar way. I can confirm that it works.

[Horace]

Aristoteles said that man is a social animal, we should never forget our roots, they explain a lot of what we are. Flame and Thef0x wrote good posts. The problem is not about caring what the others think of you, it is about caring too much. If you manage to raise your self-esteem and your overall confidence level, the problem will solve by itself. As for the practical ways to do it... It really depends on your situation.

As for moviestar :

In human psychology, a deep prolonged eye contact makes people unconfortable because it is interpreted as a sign of defiance (especially between men, but you will make a woman to feel insecure as well if you hold an eye contact more than 7 secs if I recall correctly). Also, women eye contacts are clearly an invitation to approach sent to the males, so I'd avoid it if I were a girl (they do it naturally anyway). It is hard wired in our brains, so I'd be careful with your exercise, you never know who you're looking at

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Horace

In human psychology, a deep prolonged eye contact makes people unconfortable because it is interpreted as a sign of defiance (especially between men, but you will make a woman to feel insecure as well if you hold an eye contact more than 7 secs if I recall correctly). Also, women eye contacts are clearly an invitation to approach sent to the males, so I'd avoid it if I were a girl (they do it naturally anyway). It is hard wired in our brains, so I'd be careful with your exercise, you never know who you're looking at

But a good loving gaze does send shrivels up a woman's spines, as it tells us that this man is focusing on nothing but us. How special do we feel!

When I just posted this entry on my blog ha!

Oops, seem to be sidetracking now are we?

[Nicketas]

That's a good technique, movie star, however....

It's not ideal to rule out advice, because when you have a serious problem its best to hit it from all angles untill you find something that works (unless some of the advice is just too convoluted to be effective, of course).


I happen to think the reframe I posted above is extremely effective.

That one phrase worked for me.

"What people think of you is none of your business"

It makes sense because other people's thoughts are their own.

Reframe your perspective on what other people's thoughts are and they will have no affect on you. It's not complicated or difficult.

[moviestar]

Originally Posted by Horace

In human psychology, a deep prolonged eye contact makes people unconfortable because it is interpreted as a sign of defiance (especially between men, but you will make a woman to feel insecure as well if you hold an eye contact more than 7 secs if I recall correctly). Also, women eye contacts are clearly an invitation to approach sent to the males, so I'd avoid it if I were a girl (they do it naturally anyway). It is hard wired in our brains, so I'd be careful with your exercise, you never know who you're looking at

That's why it's easier to do it on a busy street, because you can always walk away and vanish if you happen to look at a psycho or something . If a man approaches you because you looked at him just say I was just looking at you that's all. It's part of stopping to care about what other people think - "I don't care if you thought I invited you to approach". You must get past that fear.
I don't think the fear is entirely hard-wired, you have to get through a lot of fears that have been placed on top of that (like parents telling you not to stare at people).

I happen to think the reframe I posted above is extremely effective.

Sometimes reframes make you more comfortable because you start thinking differently about what other people think. But still you are thinking what they think about. You say "It's not my business what they think", in that moment you are thinking about what they are thinking!

[SteveC]

I find the best technique is eye-contact. You have to realize many other people you come in contact with or walk by on the street are just as self-conscious as you are, and are wondering the same thing. 'What does this person think about me?' So,by making eye-contact you take control of your situation. Thus, I tend to agree with moviestar, but I don't believe staring in someone's eyes you never met for ten to twenty seconds is normal. People will either think your demented or looking for trouble. If they notice you staring, just look for another 2-3 seconds, then let your eyes wander off somewhere else. If you feel them still staring back at you, glance back at them again and they will get the message.

[John Wesley]

One simple suggestion: read some good books about a topic you feel strongly about. I know it sounds weird, but reading good books will reinforce the good ideas you already have. Once you know you aren't alone in thinking that way, it is a lot easier to stop caring about what people think and say about you.

[helgi]

That's a very interesting suggestion, Wesley.

And I think I used a similar 'trick' today before going to a meeting with new clients that I'd been a bit nervous about: I read through some of my favourite entrepreneurial weblogs, and it seemed to elevate my context beyond the immediate environment.

It doesn't address the cause of the problem, but it's a very useful crutch. And one that I've probably been using for years without realizing it

[Radical]

Originally Posted by moviestar

Sorry to say this but all your advice is wrong and worth nothing.

You cannot solve the problem by the same thing that causes the problem.

You can't stop thinking by THINKING MORE!
All your advice suggests to change the way you think.

To not care what somebody thinks is to NOT THINK AT ALL!

You cannot do that with thinking more. So how to do this? In order to change your thinking you must DO something about it. Make some ACTION. I'll share a technique that has helped me A LOT.
This will need a little courage and time. You must force yourself to do it, but in the end you will be a changed person:


What you do is look people in the eyes.
Every person you meet during the day, at work, at home, shops, street look them deeply in the eyes for as long as possible. On a busy street don't even not look at somebody for a second . Constantly look at people. In a city you should get hundreds of eye contacts a day (I go out to the crowdiest place in the city).

The real purpose of this task is not to look in the eyes but to stop thinking what they think of you.
The reason why you are not looking people in the eyes in the first place is because you are concerned of what they think of you if they catch you looking. So when you look people straight in the eyes you are completely ignoring what they think of you.

Here is a tip that is very useful for me and will help you complete this. In order to do deep prolonged eye contact succesfully you must find a reason to make eye contact besides making eye contact! Don't ever think about making eye contact! So how?
What you do is get yourself into the state of... WONDER. This is the state that you were in as a child. Before you got any concepts in your head. Before there was a separation between you and other people. Before you knew that eyes look at you. You get into this state because of the reason you are looking at the eyes. My reason is to simply find out what the color of their eyes is. That's it, that reason does it for me. I just look at peoples eyes and I forget about what they think about. Other reasons might be: making statistics about eye color, checking if they will look at you, noticing the shape of the eye, trying to figure out their emotion from their eyes, trying to make a reaction like smile etc.
This takes practice. Commit it to it and some day you will notice you are not the same person anymore.

This is a good idea, but if you stare too long you might intimidate the other person.

To stop caring about what other people think, you just have to say to yourself: Am I going to let other people prevent me from claiming my own little world? Because at the end of the day, we're all living in our own little world; no one lives in reality. So fcuk other people, let them mock you, laugh at you, or love you. Stop living in the shadows afraid of other peoples thoughts, because everyone is busy living in their own little worlds, with their own problems and worries, and truthfully they don't give a damn about your world. So stop worrying about your role in other peoples worlds and rightfully take centre stage in your own!

[elainevdw]

I'm not sure if this is exactly the same thing, but I used to be very socially timid. Then, in high school, I went to Japan for 7 weeks as a foreign exchange student. When I came back, I was no longer "da mouse" (my old nickname).

It may be drastic, but it would certainly be fun to find some program that lasts a few weeks that dumps you into a completely different culture. It's inevitable that you're going to make a complete idiot of yourself at least a few times (in probability, many more than that), and after that experience, you come to realize that it's really not that big of a deal. You'll also meet so many wonderful, kind people that you'll realize that people are NOT out to get you, and are NOT out to find all of your flaws. (That's reserved for family members, lol.)

Also, it's very egocentric to think that people actually care that much about you and what you do. May sound harsh, but it's true. I really liked Erin's example of jumping, fully clothed, into a busy pool. Did anybody care? No. I use henna to dye my hair, which involves leaving weird-smelling green goo all over your head for up to four hours. The first time I had to go out with henna head, I was kind of nervous. But I actually went to a restaurant with my BF with smelly green goo and saran wrap on my head an nobody batted an eye. It was almost disappointing.

As far as caring what others think about your decisions -- there are certain instances where you should care (if you're going for a promotion, for example) but in the vast majority of cases, the standards you think someone else has for you are MILES higher than they are in reality. People generally don't start out with high expectations for somebody (it saves them disappointment); it's after working together for a while that the expectations start to raise -- all based on past performance. If you're mindful, it's really difficult to screw up so bad that you *legitimately* disappoint someone. Again, close relatives are the exception. They can be a little bit unreasonable. Especially if they're your inlaws.

This is your life. As far as you can be sure of, everybody else is a figment of your imagination. Why go out of your way caring what imaginary people think of you? Because even if they aren't imaginary -- what you think they're thinking is completely illusitory.

[skydust]

why let other people determine your reality? if you care what they think, this is ultimately what you are doing. you are allowing their thoughts to have power over your reality. this is nonsense, for they have no such power. you are only entertaining the illusion of them having such a power.

we do not need anyones permission or approval to be who we are or to do what we desire.

the only person really judging us is ourselves, and our thoughts about ourselves are what limit us being our full potential. We are free to look past these thoughts at any time and realise they have no power, because no-thing has power over our being.

our being is already all that it is. it is complete. it is what makes these thoughts possible in the first place. it is the 'master', the thoughts are the puppet. believing it to be the other way around is an illusion. an illusion with no power unless we hold the belief that it has power. and even then we are exerting energy in creating an illusion of what isnt, when we could just relax and sigh of relief in accepting what already is.

the point is, you define your own reality, no one else does. unless you give them the power to.

[The Protagonist]

This is pretty simple in text, to stop caring what other people think of you requires self confidence, which I believe can be obtained by balancing your chakras through guided meditation, exiting your comfort zone on a daily basis, etc.

[stephencp]

You need to care what other people think about your service or product if you are trying to sell anything (i.e. contribute.)
It's a short walk from not caring about what anyone thinks about "you" to not caring about what other people think at all. Don't fall into that trap.
Additionally, what ever happened to being an example and "being the change you want to see in the world"? What people think about you IS important, obsessing over a few people who don't like you (or your example, or service) is NOT.

Stephen
Power-Book Library: Free personal development, success, inspiration and motivational classics
TSTN | The Success Training Network

[DQueens]

hi,
i think if there is one thing that the "subjective reality" theory gave me, it's not too give a s**t what anyone thinks anymore. Even if you don't like or buy in to the entire idea of SR, I think it's useful because it opens up your eyes to the fact that you dont really know what other people are thinking. For example, if you offend someone, annoy someone, or embarrass yourself, how can you be truly sure that what you are doing is truly offending that person? From my experience, most people, unless truly outgoing are not going to confront you. And in that case you are free to choose what they are thinking. For what they are thinking is really only your perception of what YOU think they are thinking. (i hope i am making sense, i am not really very good at this... it makes sense in my head ). the point is, that if you read some more on subjective reality and then take it out into the real world, the first thing you will notice is that people's reactions are really just your IDEA of their reactions, your PERCEPTIONS of how you think they should react based on how YOU would react... and because you cant feel what people are feeling or think their thoughts, why should you care about them? Do what you want... i think there is a saying that goes something like... "the people who matter don't care, and the people who care don't matter..." something like that anyways.

good luck!

[Chips73]

Crikey!

I only discovered this site a few hours ago and already it's helping me.

Thanks first to LindaF for the original post. For me to see that other people suffer from this problem is a big relief!

There have been some excellent posts in this thread, but the one that struck a chord with me was the one from "icesar".
If you have low self esteem then you are more likely to care about what other people think of you and your actions.

I'm not entirely sure that I agree with everything that Helgi says in his article,
I don't think we can "value neither approval nor disapproval" to solve the problem, I believe it is more to do with
achieving a balance of how much we care about approval and disapproval.

I think that gaining approval from our peers/relatives is the underlying driving force of the human race, if we didn't
care at all then would Roger Bannister have strived to break the four minute mile? Some people might say that he did it
to better himself, I think that he did it (consciously or sub-consciously) to get approval from the sporting community (or his parents) that he was better
than anybody else at running a mile.
Would the space race even have existed if no-one really wanted approval (be it at an individual or a national level)?
Regardless of wether God exists or not (lets not go down that route) we would have created God(s) to control the masses.
"Though shalt not kill"? Why not? Who gives a damn? The answer to that is that God would dissaprove (and you don't want to mess with him!).
It's all about to what degree do we care (at a personal level) about things and therein lies the problem, it's the calibration in our heads of caring.


Going back to my problem of having low self esteem, I find myself caring more about what people think of me and therefore needing their approval probably more than most.
I work longer hours at work to try and achieve approval from my peers.

So....if I can raise my self esteem on one side of the scales then hopefully I will care less (not not care at all) on the other side of the scales about peoples
opinion of me and the balance is maintained.

I'm already worrying about the comments that this post will generate because I have been a member for less than four hours and already I have dared
to question Helgi's article, I am already concerned that the "community" will dissaprove of what I've said and respond with critisiscm of my post.
But if I am going to increase my self esteem I may as well start right here, right now. My opinion (and thats all it is) is just as valid as anyone else's.
I think it's helped just thinking this through and writing it down.

Cheers

Mark

[The Probabilist]

Caring = An emotion/thought in the positive spectrum
Worrying = An emotion/though in the negative spectrum

You should be caring about what people think about you. Definintely. Not caring about other's thoughts is like not caring about other people. You are what you think and that goes for other people as well. So please first determine for yourselves what caring is, since what you have been talking about in this post is obviously worrying what others think.

Worrying serves no good no matter what the object of worry is - other people's thoughts, your health, wealth, habits, growth, etc. Worrying is using intention - manifestation against you since you create what your mind is fixated on. So stop worrying about negative thoughts you imagine that other people are thinking about you.

Care about what people think about you! It's important because it's your source of personal growth. If you care what others think about you, it means their thoughts are not an attack against you ego. It is constructive critisism from their own point of view. You are the one that must cultivate your judgment skill to decide if you should do as people think or the exact opposite of what people think.

Not caring about other's opinions is to tune out a source which can be of great use to you. It's the worrying that you need to eliminate for it is the source of a despondent life that keeps repeating itself.

[Mark Lapierre]

Originally Posted by Chips73

Going back to my problem of having low self esteem, I find myself caring more about what people think of me and therefore needing their approval probably more than most.
I work longer hours at work to try and achieve approval from my peers.

So....if I can raise my self esteem on one side of the scales then hopefully I will care less (not not care at all) on the other side of the scales about peoples
opinion of me and the balance is maintained.

I'm already worrying about the comments that this post will generate because I have been a member for less than four hours and already I have dared
to question Helgi's article, I am already concerned that the "community" will dissaprove of what I've said and respond with critisiscm of my post.
But if I am going to increase my self esteem I may as well start right here, right now. My opinion (and thats all it is) is just as valid as anyone else's.
I think it's helped just thinking this through and writing it down.

Cheers

Mark

I like criticism of my ideas. It allows me to reaffirm those ideas when I believe I'm right, and to adjust when I'm shown that I'm wrong. That's evidence of recent changes I've made in my attitude toward what others think of me.

I've also had low self-esteem for a long time but in the last couple of years I've been working on improving that. The changes have been gradual, but I have definitely found that I'm bothered less and less by people's negative opinions of me, and I spend less and less time thinking about what other people think.

However, over the last couple of days I've been shown that the approval of others (one girl in particular) still has a great affect on me. Both negative and positive; I'm happy, but I'm distracted and pre-occupied.

So Mark, in my experience raising my self-esteem has not maintained the balance. Hopefully it works out better for you.

Great article Helgi, and I think it accurately covers the what and the why of ending our need for approval and fear of disapproval, but I don't believe it covers the how.

I'm not yet able to help much in that regard, but my improvements in that are have been largely due to meditation and the subsequent improvement of my awareness of my own thoughts, and my ability to ignore them and act as I want, not as I think other people want me to. So similar to what ÜberDan mentioned.

There's no way I could have been involved in a dance performance two years ago, I would have been too scared of everyone laughing at me. Yet a couple of months ago I participated in a dance performance despite only learning to dance for two months before the performance.

[helgi]

Originally Posted by Chips73

I'm already worrying about the comments that this post will generate because I have been a member for less than four hours and already I have dared to question Helgi's article ...

No worries! I'm on the same side of the table as you.

To clarify what I meant when I said "to value neither approval nor disapproval," I wasn't suggesting that you look at other people's opinion with cynicism. It's not about disapproving of other people's opinion, or attacking it with a "screw what you think of me" kind of attitude.

One way of putting this is that you value neither in particular but honor both. You honor both equally, and don't project the judgment of 'good' or 'bad' on either. You can then accept criticism and praise, take advice and suggestions from both, but allowing neither to control you or affect your inner state. You're independent of both, but not in a way that claims superiority. Humility and being independent of other people's opinions are not mutually exclusive.

Mark L: The how is the big How, the one that all spiritual teachings are ultimately talking about. Disidentifying from form would be one way of putting it, and realizing the true nature of other people's opinion is merely an aspect of that. (as if there were "other people" -- ultimately it's just the ego talking to itself)

[magickmystik]

The permanent solution to this is by choosing to identity with your inner self. Then the need of approval will ceased automatically and also immune to criticism.

[The Probabilist]

Caring and Worrying

I took my earlier post further and wrote an article about it. Don't stop caring about what other people think of you. Use it for good and not bad.

[munish]

In the words of Helen Keller: “Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.”
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/index.php?p=48

[Andrew Brunelle]

Read it, good article. What else can I possibly say?