I am really struggling guys...

[BamBam]

I am 24, I graduated from college with a degree in history at the age of 22. I spent the last two years living at home, working as a substitute teacher and a musician.
I was at home for two years because I was saving up money to move to South America for a year (I am here now..will get to that in a second) and to pay off my braces.
My whole life I have never felt like I belonged. I am anti social and terribly insecure about every aspect of my life. I feel behind the curb as far as life skills and mental skills are concerned and feel that I will never find myself or happiness. My parents were divorced when I was three. My twin, my sister, and I are all really insecure and lost.

I came here to South America to hopefully open me up socially because I would be forced to talk in spanish (and because I wanted to learn spanish, of course). The problem is that I am really struggling with it. I was hoping to come here and talk to people (especially women becuase I suck with them too) all day to improve my social skills and spanish simeltaneously.

The bigger problem is that since I have been down here I cannot stop thinking about regretting my past and worrying about my future. I will need to find a job. The thing is I would be miserable being a slave to a job. I didnt like teaching as much as I thoguht (not much money, not passionate about it, kids were annoying), then again I dont like to do anything really. I have thought about being a firefighter, but past drug use and one arrest might hinder those plans. Plus its hard to just get that job anyways.
No matter waht I think of, I cannot stop worrying about my financial security. Money has ALWAYS been a problem with me...My parents have been divorced since I was 3, and when I live with my mom from age 12 on money was always a huge worry. I want to be able to make good money but I also want to not have to work some job I hate doing. What is more is that I will hate doing anything until I feel satisfied with my personal life and with myself. But
My lack of work references/career experience is goign to prevent me from being hired anywhere I feel.
I want to be happy with myself and my life, to belong, to have purpose, and have stability. The problem is that every direction I turn doesnt seem to be the right path. I have no skills to work on my own (being a drummer wasnt that great). My dad wants to teach me to be a plumber, but I dont know. Its a great lifestyle if there is work, you can earn a lot in very short time...the problem is that often when I worked with him I found it frustrating work. I already told you about not enjoying teaching like I thought I would.
I regret not studying hard and more in school, I regret not taking the last two years to take more opportunities to socialize and try out jobs, I just feel like I am stuck going nowhere. If I dont get good social skills down here, I want to practice more when I get home, but I dont see that happening when I come home beat from work every day.
I realized since being down here that maybe I want a wife and family, but I am so insecure with myself, it multiplies in realationships. I get super jealous, and I can never get the girl I want because of my low self esteem shines through eventually.
Furthermore, I dont even know if I want a marraige, because I dont want to repeat what happened to me and I also dont want to get caught in a boring unpassionate relationship. That being said, I feel lonely as hell now, I cannot imagine myself in 40 years looking back and wishing I had some people to love in my life.
Also, until now I never really appreciate and love the things and people in my life, even though I know I should.
I compare myself to people around me, and get jealous and feel bad about myself when my friends are better conversationalists, going to med school, come from well to do stable families, you name it.
I only feel myself when I take adderall...It seems to make me stop getting caught up inside myself, focus on work, and actually enjoy it and the things I am doing and the people I am with. I dont know if drugs are the answer for me though, I want to do this without the help of drugs.
Of all the things, I want to feel I belong, I want stability (financial and mentally), to feel love for others and feel loved, and to not hate what I do every day.

This was really just to get things off my chest as much as to get some insight. Thanks for reading.

[axelg]

Hello!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I'm glad you did...

I've read your post and understand how you feel.

Allow me to offer some perspective:

It's ok to be imperfect. I'm imperfect and I love myself. Don't let your mind only see what's negative in you - that's not healthy. Look for the good qualities in yourself. You got many beautiful qualities. Your writing tells me that.

By embracing life the way it is, we flow with it and feel at ease. By resisting, we create our own unhappiness.

Talk therapy is a wonderful relief, deep relaxation is another.

Follow the link for down to earth advice on both...

Best of luck!


Emotional Healing

[Christian223]

Here are a few thoughts that might help you (they helped me):

Though management: there are some thoughts that shouldnt be in your mind, just get rid of them, dont listen to them, they will lead you to many not wanted paths, including sadness and guilt. Some thoughts are good for self critique that are good for growth, some others just hurt you and demoralize you without a good reason.

Motivation is energy: you must find things that motivate you. Finding this thing takes some work, do the work to find it, this may mean that you will need to get out of your comfort zone, wich in part you did going to another country, good for you!, thats beign brave!, keep doing that kind of thing and you will find things that will motivate you, and youll gain more energy and vitality to do more stuff, youll feel empowered.

Take care of your vitality: eat well, there are some foods that are harder to digest (for example, i just reazlied that chocolate makes me sleepy, watch out for that) so they will drain your energy. Eat well so that your energy levels will go up, and not down, pay attention on how you feel after you eat certain things. Also, excresize will make you feel more energized, and much less tired if you excersize often. This has a profound effect on your motivation too, it has to do with oxygen going to your brain and things like that.

Rest and have fun: having fun also relaxes you and recharges you, it will releave some stress, but try to find some work that is fun for you too.

Dont think, feel: regarding self image, i have found that when you focus on how you feel instead of what you think, your thougs will get positive. To reach that you must learn to feel great. If you allways think negative things, youll feel bad. But if you do things that you like, you will feel good. You must learn to feel. How do you feel now? tired?, well, then you must do excersize all days, you must start eating well, you must have some fun, after you do all that youll feel great, and when you feel great youll be able to focus on how great you feel instead on negative things about yourself. Feelings feelings feelings, learn what things you can do to affect the way you feel (feeling is not "what you think about yourself", but actual feeling in your body, as if "how do you feel when you take a bubble bath?" or "how do you feel after riding a roller coaster?" exited?, if so, then thats the type of feelings you are looking for).

EFT: eft is a weird but powerfull technique to get rid of traumas and bad self-beliefs, i strongly recommend you to get rid of your traumas to get past barriers that dont allow you to live the life you want. Tapping.com - Free EFT Videos - Emotional Freedom Technique

I hope that helps you, Jesus bless you.

[Alexjstrandberg]

Hey bambam,

Check out my site: www.innergamereframe.com and send me a message at alex@innergamereframe.com and I'll help you out with those issues. I used to have the same problems as you did but not anymore and I can help you get to that point.

[Dharma]

Joy, ease, and lightness is what Eckhart Tolle says should be in every moment. If it's not there you may have to change what you are doing, or just change the how, not the what.

From what you've said you live your life in the past and future and in comparison to others. You won't find any joy there. You need to retrain your mind to stay in the present and be very mindful of what's going on now, both inside of you and outside of you. It will take practice. Lot's of practice.

I recommend getting a copy of Eckhart Tolle's Power of Now and a highlighter. Highlight everything that speaks to you and then re-read the highlighted passages and suggestions he has on staying in the now, over and over again. You're kicking a 24 year habit of metal abuse, it will take time and focus, unless you're lucky like Eckhart.

You have to be able to find that joy, ease, and lightness wherever you are and in whatever you're doing. You will not find it striving for security in the future or wanting conditions to be different than they are.

[steve1969]

Good lord, BamBam…you are in such an enviable positioning right now. But you gotta quit playing the victim and take control of your life. So what if your parents were divorced when you were 3. They did that for a reason and I’m sure you and your sister were the main considerations when they did that. They did what they thought was best for everyone.

It’s hard, but you have to say to yourself. Ok right now, I’m gonna take control of my life. What happened before will have no effect on what I can do from here on out. I am in control how. I’m the boss. Screw everyone, I’m gonna be happy! We are not all dealt the same hands in life, but how you play that hand makes all the difference.

I am similar to you and I went down to Costa Rica at the age of 24 many years ago. I was poor with very little skills and a quite shy, yet I made the most of the experience, worked on my Spanish, found a sweet, loving tica girlfriend and had the best times of my life. Not that you need a woman to make things better. I made things better for me and then she came into my life. Oh the memories. But I really envy you down there. Try some Spanish chat, that works well for vocabulary. Que le vaya bien.

[Jim11]

"Hello, I'm now 25 and I've spent the last year in south america. The majority of the time I spent inside of my head thinking about the past and personal inadequacies. I feel even worse now that I've wasted a wonderful opportunity to travel and just live."

Don't let that be you in a year.

A shift in mentality and perspective is the only way to escape from your mental prison. A change of location won't do that for you. You may change physical location, but "wherever you go, there you are" - kabat-zinn

[uberinquisitive]

Here are some very practical steps:

I recommend you:
- download the free TAT and EFT manuals. Read them.
- go to tapping.com and watch the videos. Practice along.
- watch all the TAT and EFT videos on YouTube. Practice along.
- download the BSFF e-book (it's something like $30). Apply.

You will know that they are working because you will start feeling "lighter" from the first time.

[Liminal Chris]

carpe diem


The solution is easy. The implementation of that solution is the hard part. I think the only way to fix your problems is to own them. If you are anything like me (I'm 24 and introverted as well), you often times know the best course of action, but willfully choose not to do them. Your emotions (usually low self-esteem) prevent you from doing it. You can't let fear paralyze your life! You only have one life so make it count! Sieze the day.

It's something that will take lots and lots of meditation and practise. You need to focus on not letting your negative emotions get in the way of your happiness. Like people said, you are trying to rid yourself of 24 years of toxic thinking, a monumental task, but one you are entirely capable of. You might want to dabble in some philosophy, I know that it helped me tremendously with my outlook of the world and my own personal happiness.

Like one of the other posters said, you have a lot to be positive about! You are in beautiful South America and you are young! Enjoy the moment, live in the now, stay positive, and smile ^^

[Acting Like Godot]

Dear BamBam, you are a farmer. And here is a story for you.

A man once came to see the Buddha because he heard that the Buddha knew how to solve problems. The man had more trouble than he could handle and so he knelt and begged, "Lord, my life is nothing but conflict and sorrow. Help me to find peace."

The Buddha smiled. "Tell me what is wrong, my brother."

"I'm a farmer," said the man, "and a good one. I enjoy farming. But there is always trouble with the weather. Sometimes it doesn't rain enough and my crops die, and my family nearly starves. Other times it rains too much and my crops die, and my family nearly starves. No matter what I do, my livelihood brings me nothing but anxiety."

The Buddha listened quietly as the man continued.

"I have a wife and two children. I love them all, but sometimes being a husband and father is nothing but headaches! My wife nags me so much that if I lived to be a hundred I couldn't figure out all that she wants from me! And my children! They eat my food and spend my money, but they don't respect me or the land. They sit around, useless and greedy."

The Buddha nodded.

"And then there are my neighbors! This one steals my water; that one moves his fence onto my property. Another one drives his cattle across my field. And the worst of the lot has an idiot son who wants my precious daughter. I can't work my crops without having to argue with one of them about something."

The man went on this way, carefully cataloging all his troubles. After an hour or so he was nearly in tears, too agitated to speak. He bowed his head and waited for the Enlightened One to speak the words that would would end his suffering.

The Buddha said, "I'm sorry, brother. I cannot help you."

The man was incredulous."What do you mean, you can't help me?" And then, disgusted, he sneered, "What use are you if you can't even tell a simple farmer how to improve his life?" He stood up to leave.

The Buddha answered, "It's true that I can't help you. And I don't think anyone else can, either. But perhaps I can tell you how to get help from the one person who can help you... yourself."

The farmer sat down and listened.

"You," said the Buddha, "and everybody else who is born into this world of Samsara have been given Eighty-Three problems. You deal with them as best you can. Whether you merely survive them or whether you constructively work to solve them, you find that no sooner do you handle one problem, but another one instantly arises to take its place. That's how life is."

The farmer considered this. "Yes," he said. "but can we solve all Eighty-Three problems in this lifetime?"

"Ah, said the Buddha, "that's the trouble. Once solved, they don't stay solved. They keep coming back, sometimes in different places and sometimes with different people."

"Then, will I never be happy? Will these Eighty-Three problems hound me even to the grave?" Suddenly the farmer was angry. "What kind of teaching is this? What am I to do now?"

"Well," said the Buddha, "You can solve the Eighty-Fourth problem."

"Oh, wonderful!" said the man sarcastically. "Now I have Eighty-FOUR problems! And what might that problem be?"

"The Eighty-Fourth problem," replied the Buddha, "is your desire not to have any problems."

-------------

Dear BamBam, you have lots of problems. You believe that your problems cause you unhappiness. You even believe that if you solve your problems, you will be happy.

By all means, proceed to address your problems. Solve them. But understand that even if you succeed, even if you solve your 83 problems, by then you will have a new set of 83 problems to solve.

Do not wait to be problem-free, before you decide to be happy. Happiness does not need a reason. Be happy, no matter what. Because there will always be a "what". Maybe even as many as 83 of them.

[Gayathri]

ALG, what a wonderful story! It is so inspiring.

Bambam, you are young. You don't have any serious health issues. You have a job. You are in a beautiful country. You aren't stuck in abusive relationships. You are free to begin life anew the moment you wish. You are fluent in English, which means you can easily learn a new language and be fluent in it too. You are in the wonderful profession of moulding young minds. You are free at this point to pursue any career you feel like. Your drug addiction is behind you. You are not in prison. You are educated. You are a drummer. You have the gifts of time, youth, health and freedom. Really, why aren't you out there building a fantastic future for yourself? Don't you see how blessed you are?

Everyone in this planet has some problem or another. I can list at least 20 serious ones right now at this moment. Yet, I am quite happy and peaceful. Why? Because I can also list at least 200 things to be happy and grateful for. Count your blessings.

Most people you would meet would be worried about what you think of them. So don't waste your time worrying about what they think of you. Each person is too involved in his/her own life to care particularly about how you come off. So don't feel so scared. It is a big, beautiful world. Enjoy! Be enthusiastic about life. Good luck!

Cheers,
Gayathri.

[groove88]

Really good story there Godot!
Hi BamBam, i think you need to set yourself some small postive goals to work on ! Baby steps mate..!
And don't forget the physical, a lot is mentioned about ones thoughts, some are dictated by ones health! Im not saying your unhealthy, but maybe worth a inspection

[Nicketas]

BamBam,

You have issues with social narcissism, and difficulty with self-integration and social integration, which causes you to unconsciously seek to be alone even though you consciously want to socialize.

The Ebook MindOS by doctorpaul will cure that.

[dali]

Everything is as it should be. Your life, your response to it, your worries.When you are in the state you are in, the way you are feeling is the right way to feel. If you felt happy Then you would have a very big problem indeed.but you dont feel happy so chances are you are on the right track.Give yourself some time...Sit down in a quiet place and simply let yourself FEEL your unhappiness. Give yourself time to really feel how you feel. Sit down and FEEL it all but do not let yourself Think about it. It is your mind that is rejecting your feelings and your mind is loading judgements on it all. Honestly your feelings are right. Your thoughts about them are not right. your thoughts are telling you that you should be happy, mixing better, hitting it off with people. How can you when you feel the way you do? Your feelings arent going away as a result of these thoughts, are they? So the thinking part isnt helping. Ignore it. Your thoughts are keeping you stuck. Do not give them the time of day. Your feelings on the other hand are spot on. Let them be the indicators you decide go by. So far they have been very appropriate. And while you practice this giving space to your feelings allow yourself the absolute luxury of becoming aware of the breath coming into your nostrils.Really! Feel it. Follow its journey up your nose and be aware of every sensation it leaves there,. Let yourself do the same as each breath leaves your body.Allow yourself to pick up every sensation. Then, rather than listening to those unhelpfull thoughts allow your attention to go to hearing all the sounds round about you. Do not permit your mind to interrupt your listening. Dont even let it label the sounds eg this is a car, that is a bird, there is the refrigerator...Just see what it FEELS like to actually HEAR the sounds without thinking about them. Do this often, Bambam. This is a very good way of getting out of your mind and returning to your senses. All of your senses are INTACT and whole.Test them all in this same way and see. Pick up all the sensations in your body, the feeling of the cold, heat , little itches etc. Your mind and its over indulgence in negative thoughts is bad medicine for a wounded boy.Believe me you will discover the elixir of life and you will discover that you have had it all along. it is something nobody can give us. only ourselves. It is there . Our minds dont want us to find it because they know demotion is very much on the cards for them now. They like keeping us sick. It keeps them in charge and do you know what they really need is to be put on a diet and knocked right into place. The mind should serve us NOT control us. It should serve us.END OF> Our feelings and our ability to be aware on the other hand serve us very well. The answers lie very much with them. And Rome wasnt built in a day so persevere. Your mind might have some tantrums as it falls down the corporate ladder but just dont believe it. In time it will be in a position better suited to it and you will be breathing deeply and discovering that if your life had not been as awful as it has been you would never have been able to discover these truths or attain the deep happiness that you will by applying them gradually and increasingly in your daily life. soft and gentle awareness!! Also on top of all this look up Byron Katie on you tube and apply her Work. Its amazing. ola!

[CroMagna]

why do you want to feel as if you "belong"?

[brendannz]

Hey there,

Only you can change your own mental state, but I read your post, and I have to say that what I read about your life. That you are a musician, a substitute teacher, you speak spanish, and are going to South America. Going by this, I'd think to myself "wow, what an awesome life you have" but your whole post was all about how much you hate yourself and your life. Basically, I think being a teacher and being a musician are really enviable and awesome traits, I'm a huge music fan. My guitar playing sucks, and I can't sing for ****, hahah.

I think there will be lots of things you can do to improve your life, but I think the first thing you should to, is take time, maybe 5 minutes at the start of everyday to appreciate the good things in your life and in yourself. If it seems difficult, then I'd suggest you get excited about the challenge! and envision an amazing life at 40 which is amazing beyond imagination.

Good luck

[clementc82]

Aww...

I've read your post and we have something in common.

My parents divorces before I even turned one. My brother said I was the cause of their divorce because my mum's husband is not my dad.

I hope you know what it means.

I still glad that all these happened because I am setting a good example to people who are going through the same problem like me. I like myself, people still like me.

Being happy is a state of mine, not even a goal.

Your past does not even determine your future. Think about Oprah Winfrey. I think not many people have or wish to have a past like hers.

What matters is your future and what are you doing about it in order to build the future you want?

Hope this helps!

[NightSpirit]

"Of all the things, I want to feel I belong, I want stability (financial and mentally), to feel love for others and feel loved, and to not hate what I do every day."

Well, seems like you have not been just killing time. At least you have identified what you want. A man like you who has the strength to finish college and the discipline to save the money and the courage to move to a foreign country alone, that has a desire to learn and to become a better man despite not coming from the best of circumstances....well, that's impressive.

Maybe you don't have to choose or get on the "right path", or make any decision that you are stuck with. You have time for all the things on your list of options. You can learn plumbing and enjoy working with your dad while you do, then be a firefighter even if you have to volunteer, then teach history to older kids or even adults at junior college, then play your drums and then do whatever else you want to do in any order you want. Try what you like and the right path will find you.

It's a few years old but Po Bronson's "What Am I Going to Do With My Life?" has stories of people who asked themselves the same things you are now. We all have an inner set of judges or voices that we let guide us and if you take a closer look at who you have let sit down in judgment at your inner table, take a look at who you want to please and why, you might understand why you always feel inferior.

And CS Lewis made a speech a college graduation that points out all the hundreds of inner rings we are trying to get into throughout life. Thing is, he says, that even if we "get in" and feel accepted or equal to our friends, we will then look around and see a bigger ring that has excluded us. This goes on until we join the ring of people who don't need to be in a ring.

To be pondering whether you want to marry or have kids seems a little like borrowing stuff from the future to worry about today. Seems like you could just be single and free, have friends, date all kinds of women just for the fun of it. You're not on a quest for a girl who will put up with you, with all your securities or jealousy. What fun is that? You don't have to be perfect or be good enough for the perfect woman. The best relationship is one that will make both of you better together than you would be alone. She's looking for you, too, so you go out with hope that you will find each other.

And please reconsider your decision to not take the medicine. I hate any kind medicine too but sometimes it helps. It's still you making the progress and having success because you feel good. If it helps you get rolling and you feel like doing more things, as you do more things, you will build confidence and your life will get better. Then you can wean of the medicine when you're ready.