Dont like being told what to do

[sonicpunk32]

It has come to my attention that my confidence is tied to my knowledge. When somebody tells me what to do like as if I dont know, but I do know, it hurts my ego so much, because I am so emotionally attached to giving the impression that I can do it, that I know what it is about. Why is my ego so tied to knowledge?

[Tasaio]

You're 21, so it may be due to your relationship with your parents. When I was in high school, my poor relationship with my strict father influenced my other relationships.

If you're angry that people assume you don't know how to do something, maybe it's actually a fear that you'll be caught out making a mistake? You could be a perfectionist.

A competitive school system is just going to exacerbate this problem.

Which area of your life do you feel this way about--school, work, relationships...?

[PianoManGidley]

This is something that has irked me, too--just people generally underestimating me and my abilities, knowledge, and integrity. Usually it was a result of guilt by association, because I, due to circumstances beyond my control of course, attended public schools wherein most of the students held a very "ghetto" mindset, and where underachieving was considered trendy. As these schools were also vastly populated (my high school had roughly 4,400 students, and I was in a graduating class of 917), generalizations from the faculty occured quite often.

[sonicpunk32]

Well, mostly, I'm a guy who likes to have my ideas about things. When It comes to my thoughts, I dont like people telling me what my thoughts should be, especially if I feel they are being forced upon me, even if the person thinks it's for my own good. I'm stubbornly independent when it comes to my thoughts and ideas.

[sonicpunk32]

Originally Posted by Tasaio

You're 21, so it may be due to your relationship with your parents. When I was in high school, my poor relationship with my strict father influenced my other relationships.

If you're angry that people assume you don't know how to do something, maybe it's actually a fear that you'll be caught out making a mistake? You could be a perfectionist.

My mom has generally over the years been so overbearing and strict when it came to school work, because her parents were so strict and used physical discipline. She grew up in a different country where that was allowed, but she didnt use that on me. But I do not think it is related to that at all. My mom telling me what to do is, something I realized was normal, and understandable given where she comes from. It's really more to do with me. I mean I dont think that my problem *originates* from her.

As you can see with my above post, I take pride in my thoughts, and I dont like them being so easily manipulated. And when people tell me what to do, it threatens my original thoughts, my sense of self, my confidence. Yeah, a little bit has to do with my flaws being exposed. But there are flaws I dont mind being exposed to certain people, and other flaws, which I feel shouldnt be there in the first place, which I feel shouldnt be seen by certain people.

Take for example, if somebody thinks I'm shy, and they tell me to speak up or stop being shy, or other commands related to that. Not only do I hate the idea that I'm shy, I dont believe that I am. So when somebody just points that out, making it so obvious to everybody, I get disappointed that I did not give the image that I wanted to, the image that I can do it.

This isnt to say that I dont ask for help, I do. I just dont like it when being given advice in a form that makes me feel useless and dumb, that makes me feel like I'm being controlled. Especially coming from people who just lecture me endlessly when I didnt ask them to. Telling me this, telling me that I have to do that, that I have to think like that. And if I have no choice but to sit there and listen to their lectures, then I get steamed. Bombarded with thoughts I didnt ask for that manipulate even my emotions. I cant think of a better person who's done that to me than my mother. There was no way I could walk out of her lectures. So I had to find ways of developing a shield to protect my thoughts from manipulation and remain neutral and unaffected. Because I dont like being a victim of other people's thoughts.

[sonicpunk32]

Originally Posted by PianoManGidley

This is something that has irked me, too--just people generally underestimating me and my abilities, knowledge, and integrity. Usually it was a result of guilt by association, because I, due to circumstances beyond my control of course, attended public schools wherein most of the students held a very "ghetto" mindset, and where underachieving was considered trendy. As these schools were also vastly populated (my high school had roughly 4,400 students, and I was in a graduating class of 917), generalizations from the faculty occured quite often.

I've considered ignoring what they think and try to show them by my actions. But then, sometimes, no matter what actions I took, they'd still have the same opinions which would offend me cause I'd have failed to give them the impression that I wanted. I think just not caring about their opinion is best. Though that's not that easy for me cause my ego is so attached.

[dulaney0330]

Originally Posted by sonicpunk32

It has come to my attention that my confidence is tied to my knowledge. When somebody tells me what to do like as if I dont know, but I do know, it hurts my ego so much, because I am so emotionally attached to giving the impression that I can do it, that I know what it is about. Why is my ego so tied to knowledge?

It sounds like feeling and being competent is very important to you...and I am sure many people will agree with that. We all want to be good at what we do and most people want to do things their own way. Perhaps an example may be helpful. Does this person say, "Would you go downstairs and get that yellow bag..you know in the left cupboard? You know what I am talking about?" or is it something different?

Another question: When someone tells you what to do, they may carry some authority and power. Does this bother you at all?

Hope to hear from you!

[sonicpunk32]

A couple examples are in my above posts.

I just hate it when my knowledge about something is ignored, despite my efforts to show I have that knowledge.

In your example, I'd only hate it if I had no choice but to do as I'm told. Especially if that same person tells me to do things again and again, and I still have no choice. This is different than if I was being told to what do by my superviser, if I had a job. See, I'd have volunteered for that, cause I know full well I came there to be told what to do, cause It's a job, a job that I chose to do. Of course this has nothing to do with my knowledge, and I realize that now after I've read my posts. But an example of what is related to my knowledge, would be the example in my earlier post.

[dulaney0330]

"As you can see with my above post, I take pride in my thoughts, and I dont like them being so easily manipulated. And when people tell me what to do, it threatens my original thoughts, my sense of self, my confidence. Yeah, a little bit has to do with my flaws being exposed. But there are flaws I dont mind being exposed to certain people, and other flaws, which I feel shouldnt be there in the first place, which I feel shouldnt be seen by certain people."

It sounds like some of your mother's controlling habits have negatively impacted you. You go on to say how people telling you what to do threatens your original thought..etc, which is a sensitive spot for you because it relates back to your childhood. Feeling and being controlled only renders a person to feel that they cannot trust their own instincts, judgments or thoughts but the person ordering them around is correct.

I just dont like it when being given advice in a form that makes me feel useless and dumb, that makes me feel like I'm being controlled.


And who in your life has controlled you? It sounds like your mother and perhaps she made you feel useless and dumb. Every individual inherits something negative (but also positive) from their parents and it is only natural to want to protect them from our criticism and judgment. However, this seems to be impacting your present life and perhaps your mother has been projected onto the people around you. Because you probably felt controlled and did not like it growing up, any one who makes you feel this same way presents these uncomfortable feelings...the same ones you experienced growing up.

Does this make sense?

[sonicpunk32]

I think I know the core reason now. It is because I always put so much of myself into my thoughts. I am emotionally attached to the outcomes of many things. The opinions of others, their acceptance of me, their acknowledgement of my knowledge. So when I am rejected, it hurts so much because I was so attached to the outcome. Yet I always fool myself into thinking I'm not so attached, and then I realize that I am.

Even right now, I realize that I'm so attached to these threads that I've started here, that I'd be willing to risk my leg just to prove any advice that goes in counter agreement to my opinion.

[sonicpunk32]

Originally Posted by dulaney0330

And who in your life has controlled you? It sounds like your mother and perhaps she made you feel useless and dumb. Every individual inherits something negative (but also positive) from their parents and it is only natural to want to protect them from our criticism and judgment. However, this seems to be impacting your present life and perhaps your mother has been projected onto the people around you. Because you probably felt controlled and did not like it growing up, any one who makes you feel this same way presents these uncomfortable feelings...the same ones you experienced growing up.

I really dont think my mother controlling me has anything to do with this. It was just an example. She is not the cause of it. I only felt useless and dumb at that moment. I never believed I was useless and dumb. I am not protecting my mother, there are many things I can openly criticize her about. I belive I was and am my own parent, I took care of myself mentally and emotionally. I always wanted to be independent on that front.

I like having my own thoughts and I'm proud of my own thoughts. And if somebody imposes their thoughts upon me, without me asking, then I get angry. When somebody insists on showing me what to do, or reminding what I should do, when I've displayed to them hundreds of times that I can do it, then I get angry. Like I said, it is my attachment that is the cause of my problem. For example, right now I'm so attached to showing you that my mother isnt the cause of this, when you only came here to help me out by giving me advice. Your understanding of what I'm trying to say determines my satisfaction, and that is attachment, which isnt good for me, because I have such pride in my thoughts, my beliefs. At least I'm learning about myself as I do this.