A New Obstacle To Overcome...

[earlybird]

Hi, this is going to be one of those seeking advice threads, just so you know. It may be a long message, we'll see. I'll try keep it relevant, though...

How do I stop myself from caring about someone else? I am at university and I started a semi-relationship with a girl, but nobody knew about it. We had just come out of relationships and both decided a new one wasn't appropriate (back to that later.) So we messed around a bit (after getting emotionally intimate) and this happened on and off for a year, with many politics in between involving myself and my ex (at my own fault, not hers) and other variables that I guess aren't terribly important to the point.

We went through the full academic year in secret, whilst best friends in public. But I wasn't happy. I am fully aware I have brought this onto myself now; because I was not happy and I did not express or convey that to her. The reason I wasn't happy is because I was lacking freedom of expression - I wanted to display my affection and love for her publicly as well as privately, because it was counter intuitive to hold back my feelings in the way we were. She was always much better at doing so.

When I finally confronted this, I heard what I was afraid to hear. She wasn't THAT into me to start a relationship. Yes, she liked me alot, and at one point considered it herself, but ironically thought I would not requaint that feeling at the time. As a result, she let herself get over it and decide nothing would happen long term. I guess I always liked her a little bit more anyway; but when she turned around and said that it was going to be nothing (all or nothing, I proposed), she was INSANELY good at switching everything off. Which leads me to believe she didnt ever like me as much as she said she did, or that she's very good at shutting off her feelings. I feel it's the latter, but I can't do anything about HER feelings, it's mine I'm interested in, of course.

The problem now is that she is perfectly fine without me but I can't seem to get on without her at the moment. I'm not sure what to do or where to turn. Some other bloke told her he was interested in her (this guy has next to no social skills and hardly knew her that well) and all of a sudden they became good friends. This leads me to believe that she enjoys the attention but won't admit that. I know they're good friends and nothing happens between them (me and her are better friends than they are by a long shot, as I live with her and have known her for a full year, and intimately), but because she is at a place where she doesn't 'love' me like that anymore, she treats me and him identically and this eats me up inside.

I realise my mistake now; I was not true to my feelings from day one. The fact that I had just been in a relationship was entirely irrelevant. You look at the present moment, not on the past and definately not in the future (which was 50% of her reasoning; she did not see "us" as a long term prospect, working out. Which is silly because if it can work today, surely it can work tomorrow? Lost opportunity if you ask me, but whatever.) I didn't look at the present and was afraid of what my ex and others would say about my "relationship hopping" (which is a habit of mine. In a way I was afraid of going back into the habit, unaware that actually this one was genuine and my previous hopping was the habit.)

That being said, I'm still in this predicament now. What on earth do I do? I have another few days at uni with her, we're going camping (6 of us) after which I am going to her house for a night to help her carry the tent home. Then I finally get the summer away from her. But next year we are living together again, in closer quarters (4 to a house instead of 13.) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

My goal is to not care about her actions or what she's thinking and to not get involved in her life. I want to do things I WANT TO DO regardless of what she's doing. But at the moment, when she's around, it's kind of getting to me. Because I'm not over it. I felt this was more emotional mastery than relationships so I shoved it here.

Advice?

[Alison Jenkins]

Do you actually want to be over her or do you want to try and have another go at the relationship?

If you want to be completely over her it is going to be really hard when you will be living so close next year. Can you change that arrangement or is it too late?

If you want to have another go then you need to sit down and tell her exactly how you feel now and how you have really felt about her. That is all you can do, then it is her choice as to whether she wants to have the type of relationship you are looking for.

Also ask her why she doesn't believe your relationship could work long term. Maybe there is something she doesn't like in you - a habit, a behaviour etc

Hope this helps
Alison