A letter to mum and dad

[Tuumble]

Below is an extract of letter I recently sent to my parents about our financial and housing problems plus some other family issues I'd had to deal with. Basically we sold up last year to clear our debts and went into rented accommodation and neglected to tell them.

I've cut out a few chunks and edited it slightly in other areas to remove names and specific details but the general gist is there. The result of this 'coming clean' was generally positive but I still feel tension when I'm with my family but at least I now know what I have to do. I would be interested in your thoughts...

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...I'm sure you are thinking now, "Why didn't you come to us for help?" but I just couldn't - It was a pride thing. Admitting you have got your finances so catastrophically wrong is not an easy task to own up to especially to your parents. What makes it worse is that the money that was trusted in me for the deposit on our first place is lost though I have managed to pay about a quarter of what I owed back.

My biggest regret is that we didn't have a proper repayment system set up. This 'pay us back when you can' is not the right way at all and I wish now I'd refused all help and bought on my own. That's not to say I'm not thankful but this 'loan' has been a burden ever since and I'm paying interest in guilt. What I've owed has always been a weight round my neck but clearly I didn't want to remove it enough or else I'd have done something about it years ago. It was taking the easy way out (again).

While in our own home there was no reason for anyone to know it was rented. Unfortunately now we are not in control and others can dictate where we can live should circumstances change and that is exactly what has happened. As tenants we are totally at the mercy of landlords and can no longer can feel completely secure long term. We knew what we were getting into so we can't complain but it doesn't make it any easier. We are in this position as a result of our past actions so to fall out with the agents and owner would be ignoring why we are in rented in the first place. It's now time to take responsibility for our actions.

We have now secured another property, a three bedroom place which will save us over £150 a month in a combination rent and council tax. It's not a nice as the last place but is perhaps more 'us'. It says a lot for the children when they say that they don't mind sharing again. What they've had to put up with this past year as been appalling and it's completely not their fault. To refuse the most basic requests is heartbreaking and they accept it with a level of maturity you wouldn't think possible.

As I've said, we've made some terrible decisions over the years many of which were made for the wrong reasons and usually as short term fixes. It breaks my heart to think of the strength that our position could've been if we'd managed our money more effectively. I cannot dwell on this because I can't change it - all I can do is look forward and make sure it doesn't happen again.

Before the move we spoke to our mortgage provider to look at our options but ultimately they came to nothing. When I was called to say that we had been refused the refinancing I was literally almost sick. I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach and that our last option to keep our home had gone. At the end of the day this was our problem and we felt we had to face this ourselves.

The sale in December nearly put us in the clear but not quite. With Jo's job coming to an end in despicable circumstances we've not been able to accumulate any savings, especially as everyday expenses and petrol have since gone through the roof.

One of the other issues in my life has been the success of your other son.

Don't get me wrong I'm thrilled for what he's achieved. He's worked extremely hard to be where he is and he deserves every last ounce of it. Unfortunately that success casts a shadow and I've been living in it for a long time. Even at school it wasn't just academically he excelled it was at sport too and our PE teacher mistakenly still calling me by my brother's name after he'd left five years previously had long since ceased being funny.

It's the same for Jo. Her brother has just bought a six bedroom house and he's younger than me. They do a lot of travelling, have got all the gadgets and the children get to experience a wide range of activities and get bought cool toys too. This makes it hard for us both because it feels like our children are missing out. It's not our brother's fault but try as we might, we can't help but compare ourselves to our siblings.

Am I envious? Yeah maybe a bit but that's not the point. To me, his success just emphasises my perception of my own shortcomings and feelings of self worth. He's doing all the things I want to do - HE is living MY dreams and all it does is highlight the errors I've made over the years.

He gave me the chance to go to the World Cup final but I couldn't afford it. He's going to the Beijing Olympics (his second) and has travelled to over 50 countries. The one big sporting event I've been too was EURO96 and that was present from him including tickets to Phantom of the Opera. I haven't been able to do this for myself let alone as a gift.

I'm being self indulgent here and it's not helpful but you can understand why it has made things difficult.

I've never forgotten being told that if I'd applied myself more I could've achieved what he had. This was said this to me twice and both times I was in my teens but it clearly bothered me as I'm writing about it two decades later. What's interesting is that however powerful the statement was to me, it had no lasting effect in making me change.

Again, we are all where we are because of the decisions we've made in the past. With the best of intentions I haven't made as many right decisions that I could've done which is why I haven't achieved as much as I would've liked. I accept that I cannot change what's gone before so I must only look forward.

To make a change you need to have a compelling reason and then to take action. If we gather a strong enough set of reasons, we can change in a moment. Those reasons - the why - are what provide leverage. Knowing that you have failed to live up to your own standards in life can be very upsetting.

My health is also not what it was. I know that I'm out of shape and that the nagging I get is all done out of love but I don't like what I see either. When I think what I've done such as the marathons, being 15 stone plus isn't nice but only I can change this. Nobody can make me fit for me or solve my home or financial position. It has to come from me.

This is why I am now going to make three pledges to you.

PLEDGES

1. I will have return all the money I owe you by 18th December 2008
2. I will weigh 12 stone on 30th December 2008
3. We will be living in our own home on 12th May 2010

So that's about it. I have no idea what your reaction will be to this letter. Sad, distressed, angry, upset but I had to come clean. I couldn't pretend any more so by stating my aims to you now I have three goals that just MUST meet.

All my life I have been seeking approval so as I sit on the verge of my 40th birthday I still feel like a child. My brother knows the full story already as we've already had a heart-to-heart regarding our relationship. While to me being the baby by six years was a burden he now is envious of my 'youth'. Our relationship has become stronger through saying what we felt. I hope it can for us too.

Love to you both always.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Just wanted to wish you the best of luck in turning things around for good.

And, my family was by no means well off when I was growing up. I didn't miss a bit of "stuff." Your kids sound so sweet and I am sure they know how much you'd like to do for them. They will be perfectly fine!

I know it's easier said than done, but try to put feelings of inferiority out of your mind. We here all know what sort of person you are and that is better than any trip or thing you could give your family.

I know you will reach your goals!

[Tuumble]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Just wanted to wish you the best of luck in turning things around for good.

And, my family was by no means well off when I was growing up. I didn't miss a bit of "stuff." Your kids sound so sweet and I am sure they know how much you'd like to do for them. They will be perfectly fine!

I know it's easier said than done, but try to put feelings of inferiority out of your mind. We here all know what sort of person you are and that is better than any trip or thing you could give your family.

I know you will reach your goals!

Thanks for that.

Now the move has taken place, the secret out and things settling down, it will become easier. What is written above was in the heart of the storm so my thinking was a little different then.

It WILL get better.

[Alison Jenkins]

What a heart felt letter. I hope your parents understand.

Are you making the goals to seek the approval of your parents or are these for you? What would happen if you did not meet these deadlines - would you feel as though you had failed? Weight goals always really concern me but then that is because I work with many people who are overweight as a result of an eating disorder and dieting actually worsens the situation.

[Tuumble]

Originally Posted by Alison Jenkins

What a heart felt letter. I hope your parents understand.

Are you making the goals to seek the approval of your parents or are these for you? What would happen if you did not meet these deadlines - would you feel as though you had failed? Weight goals always really concern me but then that is because I work with many people who are overweight as a result of an eating disorder and dieting actually worsens the situation.

Hi Alison,

The point you make on approval is a good one and I guess maybe I am a little. However, that is not the main reason and I'm using the situation purely as a catalyst for action. I had the aims before but it was too easy to let it drift - there was no pressure to succeed or set timescale to achieve the goal by.

As for the weight goal I am determined to meet that but I curiously, if I fall short I will not look upon it as a disaster. I just want to fell better in myself and shift some of it.

I'm a little uncomfortable about saying that because I'm giving myself an excuse but I prefer to look at it another way. If I lost 2 stone in 7 months, would that be failure? I would be thrilled. I would just have to reassess my dates as the final target remains the same.

Incidentally, in 10 days I've lost 3lb.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Tuumble

Incidentally, in 10 days I've lost 3lb.

That's great! Congratulations.

[Mags]

Tuumble, that was very sincere and loving letter. Thank you for sharing it with us. I wish you all the best as you move forward now.

[Alison Jenkins]

That's a great attitude tuumble - so glad to see you are able to change the angle as so many people focus on failure rather than look positively at what they have achieved

Alison