Feeling very lost and worried (very long post)

[ellie]

Hello,

It's been a while. Well this a rather different post from me, not so chirpy but I need to get my thoughts off my chest and I am in a quite a lost state ATM. I probably need to talk to someone close to me like a family member, but they will just say some positive words and say it will be ok, things will work out. Just probably like a lot of you will here. Maybe it will work out I don't know. All I know is I have hung in there for a long time, waiting for it to get better, keeping postitve to that time comes when everything works out, but it is yet to happen.

Well I don't know where to begin. It's hard to pin point where and when in your life things started going wrong. Deep down these feelings I have had have always been there, but somehow managed to keep myself positive, get myself out of rutt, keep thinking things will work out, but there is only so much positive thinking you can do. I'm losing the will to keep on plouring through.

Basically I have a whole lot issues, like many people do. Most people wouldn't see my issues and how they effect me on a daily basis, but they do and they spill over into making it hard for me to process things properly with my day-to-day activity.

So I haven't even started yet, so I better. I think should give you a bit of background information, before I paint you the picture of my life now. I think you need to understand why, where and how.

So I had an ok childhood, I was a pretty happy child, very perceptive and sensative being an only child. My mother however, lost a child a few years after I was born and emotionally I think it really effected her. And so my parents argued a lot, some about my sister, some about my father not being there emotionally, my father not loving my mother and so I became very emotionally sensative. I was the child sitting at the door listening to my parents ague to the wee hours of the night and praying for them to stop.

On top of that my mum would confide in a adult way. I think I was 4-5 when my mother would say make sure you chose the right man when you get married, make sure he loves you. I knew what she was implying that my father did not lover her and that I was not to make the same mistake. At age 4-5 for a sensative child that's a lot to take in. Your not talking dollies and nusery rhymes, your talking adult reality stuff. My mother confided in me a lot, a lot can't remember but I know she did. She saw me as an adult rather than a child. So at an early age, I knew way too much about the adult world and I think the burden/pressure has always been there since. My mum also used to lock herself in the bathroom and pick her face and body accesivly. Sometimes I would catch her in the act and tell her to stop and she would close the door and of course continue on with her attacking. At the time I would hate it and not understand why she would do it, but alas, I too now for many years debourch my skin and have large scars over my back to prove it.

Now, also I was brought up as a Jehovah's Whitness. At the time both my mum and dad where practicing (my mum still is one). I never could really comprehend what the Jehovah's whitenesses were talking about, all their ideas were just goobidly goop to me. I zoned out all the time, never listening to a word they way saying to me. My mum particularly would try and study with me, but my attention span was like 0. Well of this course became a problem, because I really had nothing in common with Jehovah's Whitnesses. I didn't get them and they didn't get me. However, as I hardly associated with the outside world and yes some of the JWs doom and gloom still managed to rub off on me, i then became quite introverted. I didn't really like talking to anyone or hanging out with many.

Also door knocking/preaching really had an immense impact on me. Being forced to go door to door and say things that I did not believe let alone understand made me feel ill. Everytime my mum would say we have to door knocking/whitnessing I would try and weasel my way out of it. I hated the looks on peoples face when we came to do the door, the slams, the thought of seeing school friends. Which I did. And so I got teased, called "bible basher", boys were horrible to me and would pick on me and say "knock on any doors".

For a child this is really embarrassing (especially a sensitive only child). So every time I would go to door I would pray that I would not see anyone I would know and try to hide as much as possible behind my mother or father. On top of that I was meant to give talks in the congregation/church, practicing how I would deliver my speil on going door to door. Or if someone asked a question like "Why did Jesus die at the stake?", you would do a talk about that. Now as a child who could not concentrate on what the JW's saying, let alone understanding them. It was hard for me to write talks and deliver them. I was so nervous and would panic so much in doing them. Somehow I manged to wriggle out of doing talks as much as possible, but every time I did so I was petrified. You would think it would help with my public speaking skills but it did the opposite. It made me become ill with nervousness. So what came forth was that I became shy and didn't enjoy talking to anyone.

Of course I did hang out with some JWs who were rebellious. We would get up to mistufous, boys, drinking, smoking, but I always felt such guilt for doing it and never really enjoyed associating with these kind of people. In the back of my mind my mums guilt was always there. I know how desperately she wanted to be a JW and I always wanted to please her. Now don't get me wrong, my mums not a horrible, horrible person. She's in fact a really nice lady. Probably in her younger years, when she was absorbed with my father and my sister dying, she probably didn't understand how everything was effecting me and yes she probably was a bit selfish in some respects, but I think we all tend to make mistakes. One thing though, my mums a JW she's a pretty cool one. She's open to questioning to a certain extent and doesn't agree with everything the JW's say, which is better than a lot. Most don't question anything and are just boring, robots and a lot have power agendas of their own that they want to fulfill. I think though my mum losing a child and knowing that my dad did not love her, and how stressed she could get/hurting herself though picking made me feel protective of her and I didn't want her to think I would let her down too.

So then boys became interested in me high school and I admit I liked the attention, but at the same time, boysfriends were "no, no's". So I did secretly have those boyfriends in early high school, nothing serious, just boy kiss girl that sort of stuff (hmm maybe a bit more on one ocssion). Though I quickly ran away from boys as soon as I knew they wanted to ask me out. My parents would never allow that so I would dump them as soon as they asked the question.

It did have a boyfriend a steady boyfriend at one stage and got caught out by a spying JW who told my parents. Which quickly quashed that little ordeal. My parents forbid me to go out and I had to break it off with the boy. There was more to that story, let say I realised the boy only wanted to go out with to have sex and a day later went out with my best friend and did the dirty. I almost was going to do the deed as well.

So it was too hard to fight for boys, so I left them be for the time being. Knowing the boy only wanted to have sex with me and betraying me with my friend. I began to yet again realise the worlds a nasty place. Sensitive that I was this ordeal really effected me and I lost a lot of weight to try and prove myself worthy. I was not overweight, just normal, but became pretty skinny after that, not aneroxic, but would hardly eat anything. I also would say I became quite depressed. I would lock myself in my room and not talk to anyone for the whole day. I would just occupy myself, hate myself and wonder why I was here on earth.

When I got into my later teen 17/18 I had quite a few guys like me, but this time I just felt I had to run away from it all. It was too much, too hard. So I ran away from guys. I would flirt and then they would fall and then I would run. It was too much for me.

But eventually I had enough with the JW's I couldn't pretend to believe. At the same time my dad was falling away from the JW's so it was a good way for me to exit. I just slowly stopped going. Until I sort of made it clear with my mum that I did not want to be associated with the JW's anymore and I cannot pretend to be something that I am not. I knew would be hurt but at the same time she understood.I think she thought in the back of her mind that I would one day have a light bulb moment and come back. It so far has not happened (10 years).

[ellie]

It was this time that I had to go into the real world. I moved to Sydney and got a job. It was a entry level job in typesetting. I quite enjoyed the job, liked the people. Everything was going fine, but then I got a call one day from my mum, who was still with my dad. Saying dad was not coping and is very ill. So basically my dad was having a nervous breakdown, he felt incompetent in the job he had and all was doom in gloom. So anyway, I came back to home to find my dad in a terrible state. He was screaming on the floor all day, crying, moaning, saying that it's the end, that he wanted to kill himself, that he had nothing to live for. I had never seen my dad in this way at all, he always was confident and held it together. But anything I would say to my dad would not help. So I become quite sick with worry too and it effected my working situation too. My dad would phone at work and guilt trip me and say he wanted to end it. This was so hard for me and very inappropriate of him. So I would run out to the toilet and just ball my eyes out. On top of this I noticed that I was becoming more and more nervous with working with people closely. If someone looked over some of my work on my screen I would freak out. I would feel clostraphobic and though they were going to point out something bad of me and was scared of what they were to say. So I would try and distract the person so that they would not come near me. Again when I was meant to talk in meetings I would avoid them like they plague, because it would make me feel so sick from worry.

Anyway, my father in the meantime, had a complete breakdown and was diagnosed with bipolar. He went on an absolute high and was the scariest thing I ever saw. Even though my dad was a JW he actually came from a very conservative upper class catholic family, he is well read, very intellectual (did not rub off on me), smart, well spoken and now he turned into some freak of nature. He was running down the streets at night, ringing up people, making friends with horrible people, that would just feed his schemes and ideas. Just proves when your in a certain state, you can attract different people than you normally would. He wrote this embaracing letter to his boss about how he was going to take over the company and well you don't need to know the rest. My dad also at this time while on a high told my mum to get out of the house and be out by the next morning. Even though my mum had been helping through his lows and highs, my dad just threw her out on the street and has never apologized for his behavior. I was happy they split, but it was the way it was done and how dad has never mentioned the way he did it.

So eventually dads lithium kicked in and he went in the opposite way and became suicidal. Now not having mum he would ring me up everyday saying he was going to end it. At times I had just wished he did. One night I got a call that he downed bleach and was in hospital. It was all too much me, the stress was making me go insane too. So I had a mini breakdown myself and went and saw a doctor who prescribed me some anti depressants. At the time they did help and actually lifted that underlying depression I had for so many years, you know locking myself up in my room etc. So I took the anti depressants for about a month or two but just went off them as I didn't like how they would make my head tingle and also having my dad ill, I did wonder if medication is just a quick fix by drs. I wasn't too keen to take it in the first place, but I was desperate at the time.

So I went off the pills and I have to say I have never gone back to feeling as down as I did before I had them. I mean really noticed a huge change in me after taking the pills. I did not go back to my depressed state and I'm not talking about the events trigged by my dads illness. I mean the depression before that.

However, I have noticed that ever since I went off the medication I have put on heaps of weight and I am a hell of a lot messier prior to tablets and I probably a bit more scattier. So eventually my dad got a bit better. still a bit wild but much better. So I decided to get back into the real world.

So at the time I thought well maybe typesetting doesn't really suit me and maybe I need to do some more study. I always like aesthetically pleasing things and had a passion for interiors. So I decided to study interior design. I liked the design element, but I quickly relised that I would not be suited to the industry because you got to talk the talk and walk the walk and I could hardly talk, let alone walk . The people were also really bitchy, you had to have claws and attitude to survive. That would not be me.

So I thought well, I am creative and when I had done my first course in desktop publishing I saw a couse for Multimedia and was very intrested in it, as it mixed graphic design with emerging technology such as web(at the time). At the time I couldn't do it becaue you needed a two years arts course behind you to get in. So now I had the arts course and so I did my three year degree. I really did love the course and it was the first time that I actually was happy in myself. The teacher, friends I made were really lovely. I had so much fun and just was so excited to have found some happiness. I never knew about this thing called "fun" and "enjoying life", it was all new and wonderful. At the same time I did take on a job as a cleaner. This was so degrading to me, especially as the people in the office looked at me as nothing and yet they knew nothing about me. So at night I would get really really upset about having to drag myself to work. I wondered why I kept the job so long (4 years) and I know why, it was because it was better than dealing with people looking over my shoulder and making me talk. About facing my fear of talking infront of people, because lets face it you have to talk to people and sit in meetings and give opionions in an office environment.

Even though I kind of knew I was avoiding people and situations its never really quite dawned on me that things might be different in the real world.

So once I finished uni, I applied for jobs. Pretty much all of them I was a nervous wreck. I would get so nervous, just as I did when having to give talks as a JW. My mind would go blank I would ummm and arrree, I couldn't think of the right word off the top of my head. I couldn't present my work, the process behind it. So I would miss out on lots of jobs and also avoid a lot in big firms jobs because they were probably even more harsher. I started to just realise I was very bad at projecting myself. I lacked confidence. Luckily enough I did find a job and it was a job that I actually liked. I was very nervous in the interview but they were the type of people that didn't seem to care too much, I think they knew I would fit in well. The people there were quite down to earth and probably some of the characters had their nervous quirks like me. So I felt comfortable and happy. Of course my happiness was short lived because my contract finished and I knew at the start that it was only going to be a six month contract. I felt so upset when I knew I had to leave that job, it was something that could of suited me quite comfortably and yet I couldn't continue with it.

So back on the job search and I did find a job with one of my friends in the company he was working for, luckily the interview was much easier than normal, because it was via phone and it was quite quick and I also had my friend to back me up. So I was lucky and so I had a job. Not only that they job was pretty much autonomous which suited me to a tee. Anyway, this was a contract job and by the end of my contract I wanted out, because I had a nutter manger come in the last month. On top of that I nearly had a nervous breakdown because of work overlapping and feeling inadequate with my speed and design work. I began to not eat and lost quite a bit of weight in a few weeks. I literally one night could not stand up and just felt my head swirling and I could my mind was just in a buzz. It was closest I thought to thinking it was the end of my life. My brain felt like it was going to explode. I had never had such expereince and for weeks afterwards I would get a tinglying sensation in my head anytime something stressful would come about, especially at work. The tingly sensation, would stop me from being able to think, it would block out thought. Strangest thing.

Ok so there couldn't be more right? Well of course the day I was dreading for came. I knew it was to happen, it was inevitable as my dad has nothing and will always be struggling. So he went back into a low state probably 7 years from the first bout. Again with the I just want to kill myself. I picked him up from the hospital after he admitted himself and he turned to me and said "well this is the end of me". I didn't know what to say. In some ways I wished was the end, because I know this time will come again and again. I will go through the whole scenario in another few years. So I wished he would of just end it. It was just all too much for me.

[ellie]

So now I'm even more nervous, damaged a bit more, from the last time. I am drained, scared of life, sick of all the pain. I go to interviews, less confident than ever, can't remember things, feel like the interviewees are judging me. I can't remember what they ask, how do I think properly and reply. Every-time I walk out of an interview I feel a little less inadequate, why can't I remember things, why can't I just be confident, I feel a little bit more of my confidence is gone. The sporadic freelance work that I have I am avoiding situations where I have to talk or work with people. Maybe things could get better, but it all takes time and money and resources which I don't have.

I have never had a partner in my adulthood, I never found security, I'm as messy and disorganized as hell, I pick my skin, I do things in my diet like become dehydrated, so my skin peels, I do other things to myself that I wont mention here. I now realise me studying so much was avoiding the inevitable, which was facing working in the real world. I'm now thinking I would of been so better off, working in a different field. Such as childcare, as I really work well with children (probably because they don't judge), but I can't even do a career change, I've just done a whole lot of study and not much work in my field and you know what I am jumping around from job to job just like my father. Never finding something that really suits my personality. I could apply for admin jobs but seems such a waste of my skills and not only that they will see from my resume that I am overqualified.

Now I am avoiding people in everyday life, my friends, I've put on weight and hate how I look. I avoid everything and I wonder why I have to endure this pain. After-all I never asked to be put on this earth. If I had a choice I would of said chose someone else. I do think about how I would just like to shut my eyes and never wake-up. I think if I was to take my life, I wouldn't cry for help from my friends and family I would just leave. What would they say anyway, it will be alright, see a dr. The Dr will say it will get better with the pills, but it doesn't, all it does is mask what's there. None of my family knows any of my feelings at present. I hide behind a fake happiness and a lot of ignoring what's going on in my mind. When I read replies :well your selfish taking your life". I say to myself is it really selfish? Isn't it more selfish that my parents brought me into a life that they shouldn't of brought me into. When I think of death at times I'm not in a depressive state, it's more what's wrong with me thinking about letting it go. Let's not try and fix something that can't be fixed, just some things in life should be let go.

But then I still sometimes say to myself, but maybe, just maybe something will help things turn out ok.

[freestate]

The act of sharing all of this, venting all of this, is therapeutic and articulating the problem is a step in the right direction. Steve taught me that if I feel like I don't have control over my life anymore, it means I gave up control. After all, who else is ultimately responsible for our life course? Not your parents, not God: You. Both of us can be captains of our ship if we accept responsibility for our lives.

At least, that's what I've learned so far, so I encourage you not to take the easy way out. Stay in the game and decide to take charge, you'll never regret it.

[Spartan]

Don't kill yourself, that won't solve anything, and you will have wasted your one chance to experience existence. It probably seems like your problems are overwhelming, but are they worth dying for? You sound like you have a high level of neuroticism. Instead of dwelling on negative thoughts, try to look at all the positive things. What do you want out of life? What positive steps can you make to get there?

[Angela]

So, Ellie. What are you willing to do to get yourself where you want to be?

Speaking of which, where do you want to be? (and I am not talking about geographical locations, you know.)

[m18pak]

What do you want, ellie? What do you really truly want?

I empathize with you. You've had a ♥♥♥♥♥♥ life, it's true. Life has been a ♥♥♥♥♥ to you. I understand why you wrote out the story of your life: you want people to understand your pain. You want someone to care about how you feel and what's happened to you.

I probably need to talk to someone close to me like a family member, but they will just say some positive words and say it will be ok, things will work out. Just probably like a lot of you will here.

Things might not work out. You might actually kill yourself.

I don't really know what to say to you; I just felt like I had to say something. I think I can be so bold as to say that I understand how you feel. I had a life like yours, only worse in some respects.

I dunno. What kept me going was in my darkest hours was anger, I guess. I was angry at life, angry at people, angry at God. I was angry at them because I blamed them for all the bad things that were happening to me. But I guess that won't help you since you don't seem to be angry; you just seem like a lost little girl.

When I think of death at times I'm not in a depressive state, it's more what's wrong with me thinking about letting it go. Let's not try and fix something that can't be fixed, just some things in life should be let go.

Are you really that resigned? Do you really feel that helpless?

I guess what matters in the end is what you want. If you can still ask yourself that question and get an answer then there is still hope, because it shows that some part of you still wants to live.

Just ask yourself what you want, and try to get an answer (and things like "I want the pain to end" or "I want to be happy" don't count).

Don't give in, ellie. Life is worth living; I didn't understand that for so long but I do now.

[Christian223]

I have studied JW practices, and i understand how traumatized you may be right now, i reallly do, heres a forum with JW who quit the watchtower: Jehovah's Witness and Watchtower Information Online (right bar) i encourage you to go there where you will feel more with people that know from personal experience what you went through. You may want to also share your experience there to recieve feedback. You may have left the JW (and thats great, you are lucky to get out of there) but God is still knocking at your door, get close to God, and he will get close to you.

Mat 11:28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Mat 11:29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
Mat 11:30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Jesus bless you.

[Lauxa]

Hi Ellie, I am just wondering...

You shared so much of your story with us, so much of your past and present pains and problems. What do you want in return? Just to read and understand and send you compassion? Or are you looking for actual advice on career path, techniques to manage the pain, techniques for managing your social anxiety, ideas for improving your messiness, book recommendations, that sort of thing? Is there a specific area of your life that you want to improve first?

[Alison Jenkins]

Hi Ellie

Thank you for sharing your life story. I can hear all the pain you are feeling now. Writing can be a wonderful healing tool where you are able to say it as it is. You said you have been gaining weight and I was wondering whether this desperation has anything to do with binge eating as I work with many people who feel this desperate when we begin working together.

Have you tried writing a letter to each of the people you feel angry with? Say everything you ever wanted to say but DO NOT SEND THE LETTER. You can symbolically burn it as a way of letting go.

Life really can turn around and I have had the privilege to work with people who have gone from the depths of despair and then blossomed. Don't give up hope Ellie. Maybe you could consider getting some counselling to work through your life story.

Alison