Dealing with Rudeness

[Senin]

I was just wondering how to deal with rudeness. That is very irritating. I have a family member who is just down right rude. How to deal with it?

[Cran]

Ignore.
be rude in turn.
Be super-friendly.
Tell them you're hurt - most likely, they do not do it on purpose, and if they do, you won't change it anyway.

[Holistic Star]

What do you mean by rude?

What in particular bothers you about it?

[Vasilisa]

I would just become very cold and distant for some time. If they keep doing the same I would be really down to the point and tell them how I feel.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Senin

How to deal with it?

With 100% responsibility. Take a bold look at yourself and see who you're being that they are occurring for you this way.

It's not them, it's you.

[Vasilisa]

Angela, I don't quite agree. People have different limits and sensitivity. Some people making rude remarks just think that they are being honest, straightforward and etc, therefore doing a good thing.
I met some people like that. They were raised in the families where saying that you look awful or "where is your waist?" is doing you a favor. Why would it be another person's fault?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Vasilisa

Why would it be another person's fault?

You're talking about fault; I'm talking about responsibility.

You can't change another person; you can't "make" them be polite when they're perfectly happy being what you think is rude. There's nothing wrong with them that needs to be fixed, and there's nothing wrong with you, either. Who someone else is being is not your fault, and you don't even have to condone it before you can take 100% responsibility. And if someone is doing something that is irritating you, as someone is irritating the OP, the most powerful way to make a difference is to take 100% responsibility. That doesn't mean making it your fault. It means: looking boldly at who you are being that your world is occurring for you the way it does. When you see clearly who you are being that someone is irritating you, you have all the power in the world to take your next right action, something that will make a difference, not just for yourself but for the other person and for the world. When you remain obstinately blind to who you're being, and you insist on making the other person wrong and demanding that they change, then you are being Rumpelstiltskin -- "you should be different! you should change! you should be other than what you are!" ... which of course is a position of no power, no love, no freedom.

Wouldn't you rather have all the power in the world to make a difference for yourself and others? Or would you rather be Rumpelstiltskin, throwing tantrums and arguing with reality? That's an argument you're destined to lose.

Do you see what I mean?

....I just want to add one of my all-time favorite quotes (by Rose of Cairo): "Just because someone offers you an old stinky sneaker, doesn't mean you have to take it."

[Holistic Star]

The 100% responsibility thing is interesting. Perhaps this will explain how it might work.

There is a certain tone of voice my husband sometimes used with me which would boil my blood! I would flare up at any comment he made with this tone and then he would respond very annoyed that I was shouting at him to what he thought of as an innocent comment. Not very harmonious.

A friend and I sat down and worked out what was going on. It took a while but I realised that the particular tone of voice unconsciously reminded me of an ex-boyfriend who was very judgemental towards me. When I heard the same tone from my husband I was triggered into feeling immediately defensive and angry and so would flare up at him. What I had to work out was that it was me who was making this association and responding like this.

Which is why I asked what you meant by saying this person is rude and what in particular about you was bothered by it. Because there are a whole host of ways someone might be considered to be rude. e.g. tone of voice, put downs, being late, not sending a birthday / thankyou card, being sarcastic, making vulgar jokes and so on. So it is important to understand what you think is rude and why it bothers you and work out why you are responding to it the way you are.

[z1freeride]

It's irritating because we generally expect people to not be rude to us. When people don't meet that expectation then those emotions follow.

I would do a couple of things. Change your expectation to a preference. Don't expect people to behave in a certain way. Have your preferences, but if they don't meet those preferences then no big deal because you don't expect them to act in a certain way.

There's nothing wrong with being honest with them. Tell them in a nice way that you prefer that they not say rude things.

[andrew]

Rudeness is highly subjective. What may be rude for you, may not be rude to me.

While I agree with Angela, another point, one of the Four Agreements, is to not take anything personally. What other people do or say to you, isn't because of you, but of themselves and what they do and how they react. Now how you respond to what they do, is exactly what Angela mentions, as in it's all your power how you want to perceive and deal with it.

And with what z1 said, you could follow the attachment ideas, and that you shouldn't be attached to the idea that people will behave a certain way towards you.

I hope I didn't jumble it up. I just woke up so it may not be fully coherent

[DayInTheLife]

Angela is right, it is a perspective problem.

I've learned to deal with rudeness in this way:

I refrain from condemning people verbally or in my head for being rude. I don't think of myself as better than them in any way. Surely I have done or said some things that others have found rude at one time or another. Everybody has. It doesn't matter who is rude more often, or what specifically each person has done. These are petty comparisons we use to convince ourselves that we are ok and others aren't. It's an ego game, don't waste your time on it.

Rudeness of other people is only a problem when we think of how they should act or how I would have behaved, with the implicit statement that *I* am morally superior because I would _never_ be so rude. When somebody does something rude and those thoughts of condemnation come up, let them go, they won't take you anywhere good.

Forgive rudeness immediately, appreciate kindness immediately, and the world will change before your eyes.

Notice that it is not necessary for any other people to change their behavior to do any of this. You can't change the behavior of others, as a rule.

[Angela]

There's also the Baby-In-The-Backseat Syndrome. You can be assured that there is something going on in the "rude" person's life that you have no idea of.

That comes from the story about the guy who gets road rage when a woman ahead of him at a signal refuses to budge, and he can see her farting around in the backseat looking for something when the light has turned green and she should be moving. Honk! Honk! You bitch! Move your ass! And she jumps out of the car and actually opens the back door and starts poking around in the backseat! Can you believe how stupid she is?! There oughtta be a law!

...and finally she she pulls her baby from the backseat... he had gotten something tangled around his baby seat and his neck and she had to free him and save his life.

There's always something you don't know and wouldn't have even thought of.

[Rafael Perez]

Angela - I love that story.

In my opinion, there are several sides to the rudeness factor. From reading the post I beleive everyone is right on point with their statement. I will give you an example from my own family.

My fathers side of the family has converstations that start out loud (Typical Cuban Perez thing- Sorry to all the Perez's who are not like that) the conversation will end up getting louder and louder, I'm pretty sure that the thought process there is "who ever is the loudest is right" now for a soft spoken guy like myself this always seemed very rude. I would find myself getting frustrated and walking away feeling hurt because I could never seem to get my point across.

A few years ago I changed my state of mind going into a conversation, I realized that for years I had been telling myself that I was not going to be heard before I even got there. In my mind I had already walked away allowing myself to feel victimized and angry because I just didn't feel like I fit in with them. I was trying to hard to be liked. I was trying to people please and cared way too much whether or not I was impressing anyone with my brilliance (you like how I slipped that brilliance word in there)

My attitude was different, I was confident and I really didn't care too much about impressing anyone or even being liked. I found myself having fun with the conversation even asked them if they could get a little louder because I wasn't sure if the could be heard on other planets. They laughed and toned it down a little.

I had taken it so personal for years, for them it was just how they believe their reality to be and it was my pre-judgment thhat caused my experience (thus the reality I created to be a bad one) in short, just don't let it bother you... People are rude sometimes, even if they are personally attacking you do not allow yourself to become victimized, you are not the victim and you always have a choice on how you deal with something. Just have fun.

What is it that you feel is rude about this person?

Hhhhmmmm... I had an uncle "Frank" (Actually my ex-wifes uncle) who would throw darts at me "by accident" when he was drunk. I thought he was pretty rude. Now he loves me and wouldn't even think of throwing a dart at me, well at least I hope not.

But once again it was all about perspective, him being the unsavory type thought it was funny. I found no fun in it at all, but he is a very rough and tumble guy and... um, I'm not. In that situation I was totally honest with him and kept my sense of humor in dealing with him. I let him know (when he wasn't drunk)

"Hey Frank, I have a problem with you throwing darts at me and would prefer if you didn't do it any more. Let me know if that is something you are willing to do, because if you can't keep yourself from the uncontrolable urge to stick a dart in my temple then I'm thinking it would be better if I just stayed away from you."

Mind you I made sure I had no expectation of the outcome. I had decided that I would let him make the choice because I really didn't care to much about impressing him. That somehow set me apart and he grew very fond of me.

So, be honest, don't allow yourself to feel victimized, and have fun...

[Angela]

Rafael, that made me laugh out loud. "Uncle Frank, I would strongly prefer it if you would refrain from throwing darts at my head."

[Rafael Perez]

Yeah, that story makes me laugh too

I love this poem.


The Cookie Thief
by Valerie Cox

A woman was waiting at an airport one night,
With several long hours before her flight.
She hunted for a book in the airport shops.
Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop.

She was engrossed in her book but happened to see,
That the man sitting beside her, as bold as could be.
Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag in between,
Which she tried to ignore to avoid a scene.

So she munched the cookies and watched the clock,
As the gutsy cookie thief diminished her stock.
She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by,
Thinking, "If I wasn't so nice, I would blacken his eye."

With each cookie she took, he took one too,
When only one was left, she wondered what he would do.
With a smile on his face, and a nervous laugh,
He took the last cookie and broke it in half.

He offered her half, as he ate the other,
She snatched it from him and thought... oooh, brother.
This guy has some nerve and he's also rude,
Why he didn't even show any gratitude!

She had never known when she had been so galled,
And sighed with relief when her flight was called.
She gathered her belongings and headed to the gate,
Refusing to look back at the thieving ingrate.

She boarded the plane, and sank in her seat,
Then she sought her book, which was almost complete.
As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise,
There was her bag of cookies, in front of her eyes.

If mine are here, she moaned in despair,
The others were his, and he tried to share.
Too late to apologize, she realized with grief,
That she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief.

How many times in our lives,
have we absolutely known
that something was a certain way,
only to discover later that
what we believed to be true ... was not?

[Angela]

That is so wonderful!!! (and a little painful.)

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by Rafael Perez

Yeah, that story makes me laugh too

I love this poem.


The Cookie Thief
by Valerie Cox

A woman was waiting at an airport one night,
With several long hours before her flight.
She hunted for a book in the airport shops.
Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop.

She was engrossed in her book but happened to see,
That the man sitting beside her, as bold as could be.
Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag in between,
Which she tried to ignore to avoid a scene.

So she munched the cookies and watched the clock,
As the gutsy cookie thief diminished her stock.
She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by,
Thinking, "If I wasn't so nice, I would blacken his eye."

With each cookie she took, he took one too,
When only one was left, she wondered what he would do.
With a smile on his face, and a nervous laugh,
He took the last cookie and broke it in half.

He offered her half, as he ate the other,
She snatched it from him and thought... oooh, brother.
This guy has some nerve and he's also rude,
Why he didn't even show any gratitude!

She had never known when she had been so galled,
And sighed with relief when her flight was called.
She gathered her belongings and headed to the gate,
Refusing to look back at the thieving ingrate.

She boarded the plane, and sank in her seat,
Then she sought her book, which was almost complete.
As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise,
There was her bag of cookies, in front of her eyes.

If mine are here, she moaned in despair,
The others were his, and he tried to share.
Too late to apologize, she realized with grief,
That she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief.

How many times in our lives,
have we absolutely known
that something was a certain way,
only to discover later that
what we believed to be true ... was not?

I love it! So so true how we act so sure of ourselves in situations like that. I've been working on seperating myself from those situations and observing my "pain self" and his emotions and comments. I started doing this because I read "The Power of Now". Great book, by the way.

Thanks for the poem. I cut and pasted it.

[Senin]

Yes, that was a great story.

As for the one about the baby in the backseat, true, but more often than not that person would just be fooling and not have a baby emergency.

I think there is a common standard for polite (non-rude) behavior in our society. It seems that recently that standard is dropping. Cutting people off, interupting, walking directly in front without saying excuse me...., etc.

Angel's first post seemed a bit rude to me, but I know the point she was trying to make. I think what you were trying to say was, what is it saying about you, then you feel irritated by the "rude" 'situation.

You are all correct. The answer seems to be to change one's prespective. Great, what is the strategy to do that?

[Paul C]

Originally Posted by DayInTheLife

Forgive rudeness immediately, appreciate kindness immediately, and the world will change before your eyes.

This sentence really stood out as honest truth to me, thank you for that one.
----

The Baby-In-The-Backseat story was great to hear Angela. It was a good reminder of how one may behave in such a situation. Thanks for sharing that.

And Rafael Perez, I got a good laugh out of your personal story of malicious dart throwing, you certainly responded quite well to that situation. I also appreciate you posting that Cookie Thief poem, so thanks for that also.

This is a quality thread.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Senin

...As for the one about the baby in the backseat, true, but more often than not that person would just be fooling and not have a baby emergency.

Senin, what you've just described here is a perspective -- one of an expectation of deceit and manipulation by others. People tend to find what they're looking for, and if you operate with a cynical expectation, the way the world occurs for you is going to tend to match your expectation.

For instance, with an expectation like this one:

I think there is a common standard for polite (non-rude) behavior in our society. It seems that recently that standard is dropping. Cutting people off, interupting, walking directly in front without saying excuse me...., etc.

....well, you're actually creating a world full of dropping standards. Here's another example:

Angel's first post seemed a bit rude to me, but I know the point she was trying to make. I think what you were trying to say was, what is it saying about you, then you feel irritated by the "rude" 'situation.

I'm glad you were able to see through your initial reaction (Angela's being rude) to what I was saying -- that your well-being is not dependent on the thoughts, words or actions of others. You have all the power in the world to determine how the world occurs for you -- that's what I call creating your own reality! What might happen if you were to let go of the habitual expectation of rudeness and just go straight to what helps you live a life you love? How would your life be if you were transparent to judgements like "rude" and leapt straight to gratitude and love?

People behave the way we behave and that's that, but where you are powerful is in the response you choose. What kind of response do you think would work well for you in living a life you love? What would you like to generate in your conversations and interactions?

[Senin]

[quote=Angela;193573]Senin, what you've just described here is a perspective -- one of an expectation of deceit and manipulation by others. People tend to find what they're looking for, and if you operate with a cynical expectation, the way the world occurs for you is going to tend to match your expectation.


QUOTE]

I don't think they are deceitful and manipulative. I just think they are self-obsorbed, self-centered and uncaring.

[Angela]

I don't think they are deceitful and manipulative. I just think they are self-absorbed, self-centered and uncaring.

Did you see my point? When you hold onto a perspective that people are self-absorbed, self-centered and uncaring -- deceitful and manipulative, or loving and beautiful, or whatever -- you are actually creating how the world occurs for you: you are creating that reality.

[coLLege kid07]

Originally Posted by Angela

Did you see my point? When you hold onto a perspective that people are self-absorbed, self-centered and uncaring -- deceitful and manipulative, or loving and beautiful, or whatever -- you are actually creating how the world occurs for you: you are creating that reality.

hmm everything that you are saying makes perfect sence. I think what may be possibly holding me back is wrapping my brain around this lol. I guess this is where beliefs such as subjective reality and ect. come into place.