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05-21-2008, 04:39 AM
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 anger It's hard for me to even admit that I have a problem with anger, but I do... and now my 4-year-old daughter is starting to mirror it back at me. She throws violent temper tantrums and gets very angry and aggressive if things do not go her way, and what I see is myself. If that isn't incentive enough to change then nothing is. In some ways I feel I have made so much progress... depression and suicidal thoughts are not as big an issue as they once were... I have exciting goals that I am moving towards... I have more gratitude in my life... my house is cleaner (I was a total slob)... I have more friends... but today I was reminded of how much work there still is to do and the consequences of not getting it done. So here I am, reaching out to this great community for some help. Advice, strategies, recommendations for books, podcasts, music, videos, supportive words, prayers... I'll take anything. 
__________________ ~Lauxa~      |
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05-21-2008, 05:06 AM
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| Can you teach her to channel her feelings into something positively actionable?
__________________ Best, Dan Linehan |
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05-21-2008, 05:40 AM
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Keep in mind that children are very keen to emotions that parents think they are good at hiding. A child will sense frustration and anger and pick up more on the feelings than the actual actions of the parents. This may sound a little off, but my relationship with them did not change until I made sure I was doing things that made me happy. I stopped trying to manipulate them when I wanted them to behave, I simply gave them the choice. I did things for myself and in turn did things with them because I wanted to do it. They were no longer someone I had to "deal with today". Do not beat yourself up about your actions in the past, you are not defined by that person. You define yourself every moment of every day and be the person you want to be with your child. Anger usually stems from some fear... I remember I would go off on my kids because they were taking too long cleaning their room. I would say things like "If you cared about me you would do this faster so you could spend time with me!" What a dumb angry manipulative statement... Doesn't even make sense, I was angry and frustrated with my life and I was blaming everyone else for it. At some point because I was frustrated with myself, I took it out on them. Work on self love, teach your daughter by example what it feels like to love yourself... And smile a lot, if she throws a tantrum don't get mad just tell her she needs to go somewhere else to do that. Also praise her constantly and let her know how wonderful she is, just focus on all the positive in her and that will bring out more positive... Just love her with no expectations on her behavior and just be grateful for her smile and her love and inspire her by telling her how wonderful you think she is. Just throwing it out there, it worked for me, I was patient and we all benefit from the change in awareness at my house. Although I'm convinced my kids may think I have lost my mind, but it's ok... I would rather be seen as eccentric than angry anyday. I have 4 girls and a baby boy ages range 15, 14, 12, 7, 2. hhhmmmm... maybe I am insane 
__________________ Breaking Free From The Eggshell Existence Take Control of your Life Free E-book Better Existence Now Author - Rafael Perez www.betterexistencenow.com |
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05-21-2008, 06:59 AM
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| Why are you so angry? Quote:
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05-21-2008, 12:22 PM
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But when I look back, I think I have had a problem with my anger since as a child and certainly since a teenager. I would yell at my parents and rage and cry and just generally make myself miserable if anything didn't go my way. I would try to use my anger to manipulate my parents to get my way, and later that habit transferred to other people close to me. So the problem is on the inside, not on the outside. Honestly, I think Gratitude is a big piece of overcoming this, thank you everyone for your replies and kind support.
__________________ ~Lauxa~ |
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05-21-2008, 02:01 PM
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| Lauxa, have you read The Power of Now and A New Earth? I'm thinking that all the stuff in there about the Pain Body might be of great use to you, both in seeing something about your own anger and also in helping your daughter deal effectively with hers. |
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05-21-2008, 03:51 PM
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| Hey Lauxa, I agree with Angela about the Power of Now, have you already read it? Another idea, maybe this will seem totally crazy to you, but: do you eat meat? I know that I personally tend to get angry out of the blue when I eat some meat. Maybe you could try to go veg for a month and see if you feel more peaceful? Just a suggestion.
__________________ Magical Chest - I'm Generating Hardcore Harmony |
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05-21-2008, 06:47 PM
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| Angela and Rose: No, I haven't read it yet, but I will. Thank you for your suggestion. Rose: I tried going vegetarian for a couple of years in college but I do it right -- ate too much processed foods and white bread and gained a lot of weight. Lost it on Atkins, and also my moods seemed more stable. I became more wary of tofu and processed vegetarian foods that try to imitate meat, so that prevented me from trying again for a while. I tried to do raw vegan for Lent this year, made it 27 days, didn't notice much difference in my mood except for being constantly tired and hungry. I feel some resistance to the idea of cutting out meat at this point, but I will give consideration to your suggestion. I have been pretty "up" today, just trying to come back to gratitude whenever I catch myself stewing. I read a suggestion online for dealing with spitting (yes, my daughter has been spitting at me) and washed her mouth out with soap this morning... seemed to make a big impression. I think just posting here has helped me to keep focused on staying centered and peaceful, thank you Steve for these forums and for everyone who has contributed to this wonderful community!
__________________ ~Lauxa~ |
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05-22-2008, 03:20 AM
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| anger can be positive I just wonder how many times as a child you were told you were ungrateful? Looking beneath your childhood behaviour, maybe your anger was because you were not getting what you truly wanted? I wonder how many times you were told being angry is bad? Anger is there for a reason that only you can know. Allow it to surface (without venting at someone) and it will bring you to your truth and then finally let it go. Warmest regards Maguru Quote:
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05-22-2008, 09:28 AM
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Like Rose and Angela, I really recommend you read Tolle. And, I send you a huge hug. |
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05-23-2008, 07:06 AM
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__________________ We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses. ~Carl Jung |
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05-23-2008, 07:10 AM
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| Ah, dancer, I wish I could be as calm as I would like all the time and that my zen would produce the results I desire! My daughter weighs over 60 pounds and she resists going to time-out by hitting and kicking (although this has been reduced recently since I have introduced the "hitting game" and begun hitting back), prying my hands off, or just sitting down and squirming around impossibly. She is so hard to carry or drag to a time-out, besides which, they have had no effect on the spitting. Maybe this behavior has been caused by past mistakes on my part, but at this point I just have to get her to behave civilly... I think I am more afraid of being too soft than of being too hard at this point... I just want to make sure that the discipline is coming from a place of love and not of anger. I know when I was a teenager I remember thinking that my parents should have been harder on me... I didn't have any chores (and threw huge fits when asked to do anything) and was basically a brat... I never cleaned up after myself which made life difficult for my mother... I even refused to say "thank you" to my grandfather (who cooked us lunch every Sunday) without a huge struggle... so I am afraid if I let her get away with this behavior she will just be a brat. But I must remember also to give her more of my undivided attention, thank you for the reminder. Manguru, I don't remember ever being told as a child that I was ungrateful. I was told that anger was sinful, but it didn't stop me from being angry. Like I said before, I think it was more of a manipulative behavior. Maybe I learned it from my mother, who would get very frustrated when us kids would misbehave? As if somehow we would sense her frustration and then magically stop... well, that never worked... As for not getting what I truly wanted, I remember feeling like childhood was just something I had to get through before life could begin. Maybe there is some similarity... a feeling that raising kids is something I have to get through before I can get my life back. But is is something I have to do, and I would like to find some happiness in it. I feel so exposed typing all this, airing my dirty laundry, please be gentle...
__________________ ~Lauxa~ |
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05-23-2008, 08:51 AM
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| like Dan said anger needs to be channeled & this takes time to improve, might be especially stressful to work on with your busy schedule. Anger comes from feelings of restriction. I'd try something radical, like put away the TV for a week, having a strict diet, or working a few less hours a week so you can focus on the things you want done. Make sure to write down your goals, this is usually the first step to channeling anger. Your child will follow your new piece of mind. You're going to do great! Last edited by Marth : 05-23-2008 at 09:30 AM. |
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05-23-2008, 09:12 AM
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| Hi Lauxa, Have you read Erin's Getting Back to Love article. It is not directly related to your current situation, but you might be able to put a spin on it to fit the spitting and temper tantrums, or it might inspire you to come up with other creative solutions that might reach your daughter. Obviously, you could not apply something like this smack in the middle of the tantrum, but shortly after. There are parents on these boards and I hope some of them spot your post and share some of their methods. Why not post something directed to parenting skills. Or chat to parents you meet in real life. There may not be an overnight solution, but I'm sure there are more positive solutions than resorting to the hitting game. Initially, it might get results, but do you want to plant fear and resentment in your child? When my mother hit me, I silently told her 'hit me or you like, but you cannot hurt me', I also resented her and sometimes did things out of spite just to push her buttons. Something tells me if you deal with the attitude of "having to get through raising your kids before getting back to your life", your situation will be easier. The thing is Lauxa, your kids are part of your life. Either, decide to make it a great experience where both you and your children enjoy it or make other arrangements. Not everyone is suited to being a stay-at-home Mum and there is nothing wrong with that. Meanwhile, I hope we here at the board can give you support and lots of virtual hugs. Love D. |
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05-23-2008, 02:16 PM
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| Hi Lauxa, I am not a parent, but I have worked with lots of kids over the years. My advice for the spitting issue is to try ignoring it. Now, don't get me wrong, the idea is to have it stop. But right now, the way things are, I am guessing your daughter is acting up to get attention. Negative attention is just as good as positive to a kid who needs it. Please don't think I am saying that you have been neglecting your child because that's not it. It may be that she has trouble expressing what she needs in a way you can understand so she acts out. It may sound kind of odd, but a Dog Whisperer approach works with kids as well as dogs. Stay with me here, I'm sure you've heard the technique before. You minimize your attention to bad behavior and reward the good. When she spits at you, calmly and without reaction take her to time-out. Just take her hand and walk her to a spot you've designated as the time-out spot. If she gets up, calmly and without reaction take her back and say something like "you need to stay in time-out." Rinse and repeat, but say nothing after the first couple of times, just calmly walk her back and set her on the spot. The first time you do this, it's going to be long and drawn out most likely. Once she's staying put, she's on the clock for 4 minutes (one minute for each year of age). You can set a timer or just watch the clock. When the time's up, you go to her and have her apologize for the behavior and then you give her a hug, tell her you love her and move on to the next thing you need to do. Along with this, it would be great if you could set aside at least 30 minutes a day (longer if you can manage) to spend one on one undivided time with her. You may say, "I'm with her all day!" And you are right, but this time will be for her to guide the interaction. Maybe she will want to play a certain game or talk to you or color together. Whatever it is you give her all your focus at that time. Give her a heads-up when the time is coming to an end and let her know what you'll be doing next. Kids do really well on routines and not so well with surprises. I wouldn't say you have to schedule your entire day to the minute, but have a general idea of how the day is going to go down and prepare her early on for what the day holds. Look at what she's eating too. Sugar, caffeine and artificial colors/processed foods make kids crazy. Avoid as much as possible. Certainly your attitude will be reflected in her, so take some time for yourself. I know that it's not easy to do, but get her on a bedtime schedule (early, she's 4) and take an hour to do something you really enjoy or that relaxes you. I've had kids spit at me in my work, I've been basically assaulted by a 7 year old who's parents were going through a divorce, I've been hit and had things thrown at me. But these are kids and usually that kind of behavior is pointing to something that hurts them or is missing for them. Again, this is not a judgement on anything you've done it's just an admonishment to remember that she doens't have the tools to deal with this in a proper way. That's what you have to give her. When she's angry have her explain as well as she can what she's feeling and why. You can give her a word if you see her struggling to get it out, but don't take over and make assumptions for her. I know it probably feels sometimes like you have had to give yourself up, like you're shackled to this kid for the next however many years. But it really can be joyful and very enlightening to have a kid around once you get to a point where you can enjoy them for who they are rather than wrangling them. I hope I've not come off as condescending at all. You may be doing a lot of this stuff already and not being a parent I don't want to step on any toes or sound like I'm an expert. This is just some stuff that I've seen work. Oh, and watch Supernanny. Really, she's got a lot of good, actionable techniques! Best of luck!
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05-23-2008, 02:21 PM
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The less things went my way, the more angry I got. The more angry I got, the less they went my way. It's a vicious cycle based upon fear. And I went all the way to the bottom before I stopped and took a look at what was really going on. If anything, I think it's great that you would come on a public forum and ask for help. What I came to understand was that I could not change anyone or anything in this world. I can only change myself. The outside world is just a projection of what is inside the heart. Work on the heart and the projection will change automatically. The Stoic philosopher Epictetus said it this way, Quote:
__________________ -------------------------- Freedom is a road seldom traveled by the multitude. |
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05-23-2008, 02:44 PM
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| Your daughter... Quote:
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05-24-2008, 12:51 PM
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| Thank you to everyone for your kind support. Today is going to be a tough day. The kids and I have been visiting family for a while, and today we are going home. While we have been away, we have been in a clean and ordered environment with not too many responsibilities. But my dear husband is as big a slob as I ever was, and the home we are returning to will be chaos. I am a little terrified as to how I will get things put back in order and give proper attention to the kids -- all without stewing over it or losing my cool. So please keep me in your prayers today, and I'm sure I will pull through.
__________________ ~Lauxa~ |
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05-25-2008, 01:05 AM
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| solutions lie within Hi, I do feel for you. I felt a lot like you when my children were young. Always so much to do. I used to have endless "to do" lists. Now I have instead, "to be' lists. I obviously still do things but I come from a different perspective of, who am I being? Erkhart Tolle's "new earth' has been suggested and he speaks of this in great depth. You are the core of your family and your children reflect who you are being on the inside. Your solutions truly lie within. Warmest regards Maguru Quote:
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05-25-2008, 01:22 AM
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