unhappy in marriage

[lostwoman]

Hi

I'm so glad to find this forume because I need to vent out so bad. I don't have anybody to talk to about my problems and I feel that I'm drawning in my thoughts and feelings. I thought I was an intelligent experience woman but not anymore. I feel lost and confused.

So here's one of my dilamas.........I'm 39 and married for 6 mostly unhappy years to a 49 year old man. He's a good man in general and people like him. I fell in love because of his thoughtfulness, being funny, considerate, and being gentle. Now I don't see him like that anymore with me.

For years I've felt that I'm not number one in his world, I come after parents, pets, and even strangers. Now we have a 3 year old child and I see how much he truly loves her ( don't get me wrong nothing funny going on) but why he's not willing to show me the same kind of love.

I used to try to make things right but now I've given up and I feel so empty, angry, and lost. We haven't had sex for 8 months and he goes on about his life like there's nothing wrong. But I feel depressed, I don't sleep, and so stressed out that I feel like I want to kill myself ( although I'm not gonna act on that ).

I try to tell myself he's only one person or thing in my life and I should get over my bad marriage and make a different life for myself but it's not easy. I don't want to divorce but I feel sorry for myself to be in a loveless life.

I'd like to hear your ideas and maybe I can get myself out of this pothole. And thanks in advance for hearing me.........

[PianoManGidley]

My first guess would be that he takes you for granted--he sees you as someone that will just always be there and be around. My advice would be to talk to HIM about it.

[lostwoman]

Thanks for reply...and you're right. I have talked to him several times and expressed my feelings and expectations. But nothing's changed, he's said I'm wecked, cheap, and ungrateful, and he loves me and how I'm feeling or seeing our life is not true.........

[Alison Jenkins]

Have you got friends and activities that you do? Do you get a break from motherhood or are you completely exhausted. How about having a "date" night where you get a babysitter in and go and enjoy yourself as a couple.

It sounds as though you may benefit from some counselling either as a couple or alone if he won't go. I've seen many marriages like this but by addressing the issues one by one things change.

Alison

[Angela]

Have you brought up the idea of marriage counseling?

[lostwoman]

I'm thinking about marriage counselling. And yes I am exhausted, between full time job and then coming home with my daughter and housework I have no alone time at all. I've told him that and I guess he doesn't care. I'm to the point that I don't enjoy being with him because I don't consider him my lover or friend anymore. I think if he cared for me things would had been different.

Now my goal is to make a new life for myself have him in my life as a housemate but not invest on him to make me happy. It's sad to admit but I can't think of anything else...

[Angela]

It sounds like you two have some communicatin' to do. That sounds like something that is really missing -- understanding and being understood -- that would make a difference if it were present. You would be powerful to take on 100% responsibility for that, and practice let go of making your husband wrong if you're willing to do that.

I think a third person - a marriage counselor - might be really valuable for you both to figure out how to communicate with each other and to be in love with your lives, whether you stay together or separate with love.

[uberinquisitive]

I'm not married, never had a child, and I've never been in a relationship as long as you - but you may want to look into Marriage Max, which is touted as "an alternative to counseling."

[Alison Jenkins]

It sounds like you are really exhausted and need some help with all the juggling that you are doing. Perhaps if you were less exhausted then you would feel better about your marriage and life too. Can you drop your work hours or have help with cleaning? Do you have friends or family who could look after your daughter so you could have a weekend away together?

Alison

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by lostwoman

I feel so empty, angry, and lost.

This is something you could (and should) work on for yourself. Anger has a way of perpetuating itself. Before you know it, you are angry with yourself for being angry with yourself. Grrr!

At the risk of sounding all hippie like and off the wall, let go of your anger! Focus on the good stuff. Feed your happiness instead. Make the happiness perpetuate. Make yourself glow with it.

The thing is, when you are completely happy with the life you have created for yourself, it shows. You will be more attractive to yourself and to others, not in the least to your husband.

[jawillie]

I agree with Jim Offerman. You gotta work on you before you can work on the marriage.

I was not happy in my marriage for a couple years. I felt my dh was letting me down somehow.

But, since January I gave up trying to fix him and started fixing MYSELF. Miraculous things have happened:

1. I am happy because I am happy with myself.
2. I am supporting my dh more instead of criticizing him (he genuinely thanked me for this last night)
3. We are actually growing closer and he is starting to do all those things I wished he would for all those years!!

The Cold, Hard Truth: An angry, bitter, lost person is hard to love.

I wish you the best!!

[oberlee]

ooo, ooo, ooo... I COMPLETELY disagree with the last two statements. I mean, I understand what jawillie and JimOfferman are saying, but it sounds like lostwoman has some serious problems with her marriage that are way outside of herself, and by internalizing those problems, it will only make her feel worse.

If you haven't had sex in 8 months and he thinks nothing is wrong, that's weird. There's OBVIOUSLY something wrong, and having been in a similar situation several years ago, where my opinion was just considered "wrong" by my partner, she will get more accomplished by communicating with her partner and perhaps friends and family as well.

Lostwoman, do you have someone you can talk to? A friend? Relationships can seem so subjective sometimes, and it's easy to make excuses for them, so it really, really helps to have someone look at things objectively. If not a friend, a counselor.

It's hard, but you can't afford to waste your life in a loveless, unhappy marriage. Do something now. You deserve soooo much better!!!

[Angela]

Oberlee, Jim and Jawillie's answers are from a 100% responsibility perspective, which does not imply that the OP (or her husband) is at fault, but that she is responsible for her own experience of life.

That has nothing to do whatsoever with blame, and it doesn't mean condoning the actions of others that don't work for her. It does mean boldly looking at who she is being that life and marriage are occurring for her the way it does, accepting the reality she's present to, and then taking the next right action.

We can only be the source of change for ourselves. If we begin with external circumstances, like the thoughts and actions of others, or blame and shame, then we have no power to be the Master of our Moment -- instead, we're at the effect of those external circumstances.

I think that Jim and Jawillie are suggesting, and I agree, that it's a great idea for the OP to START with who she's being. I also totally agree with you that a disinterested party, like a counselor, could be just the ticket to helping these two find a third, currently unseen alternative that will work for both spouses.

Our problems never live outside of ourselves.

[syllie]

read "eat, pray, love". it will connect with you

[jawillie]

Originally Posted by Angela

Oberlee, Jim and Jawillie's answers are from a 100% responsibility perspective, which does not imply that the OP (or her husband) is at fault, but that she is responsible for her own experience of life.

That has nothing to do whatsoever with blame, and it doesn't mean condoning the actions of others that don't work for her. It does mean boldly looking at who she is being that life and marriage are occurring for her the way it does, accepting the reality she's present to, and then taking the next right action.

We can only be the source of change for ourselves. If we begin with external circumstances, like the thoughts and actions of others, or blame and shame, then we have no power to be the Master of our Moment -- instead, we're at the effect of those external circumstances.

I think that Jim and Jawillie are suggesting, and I agree, that it's a great idea for the OP to START with who she's being. I also totally agree with you that a disinterested party, like a counselor, could be just the ticket to helping these two find a third, currently unseen alternative that will work for both spouses.

Our problems never live outside of ourselves.

Thank you, Angela, you said it way better than I did!

I should add: I told myself I would work on myself, BUT.... I am also working on loving my husband. Just loving him. Sometimes I think we put too many expectations on others, kwim? I figure I have two choices: Stay with him and love him. OR Leave him. If, upon working on myself, I still don't feel the marriage is working... it will be "leave him."

So, it takes two to make it work, but I do feel one needs to be in touch with themselves before totally blaming another.

[lostwoman]

Thank you all for your inputs. You've given me alot to think about. I need time to process all this and finding a marriage counselor is my next step.

I"ll keep you updated...

[Rafael Perez]

I was in a loveless marriage for a very long time. It almost seemed normal to go without any type of emotional contact for months. Sex had become a task that needed to be scheduled and for the most part our arguments ended with me saying "Your right, forget it I have no idea what I was thinking."

I was miserable, there were times where I would breakdown and start crying and wasn't even sure what was wrong. I mean, we got along and all, just wasn't what I had always pictured. It wasn't the relationship I thought I would spend the rest of my life in.

I realize now looking back that my problem was I was looking for happiness externally and I was allowing myself to feel like a victim in my relationship. I felt like she had all the control, I use to just submit because she was very hurtful at times when we argued.

I also allowed myself to get caught up in the routine of life. Somewhere in there I had lost my sense of purpose. With out a sense of self or purpose I became my family. I held her up to expectations that were not inline with who she was, she did the same with me.

After a while the resentment set in. We were both miserable and were not even sure why. We found ourselves making excuses for our actions and wearing a facade in front of friends and family in order to grasp at the happiness that was supposed to be there.

I know now that I had created all of my misery. We tend to blame external things in our life (other people and situations) in order to make sense on why we are not happy. It was hard for me to accept this, but once I did I was able to change things for myself.

I was only able to change myself though, my wife did not share in my newly found fondness for life.

Do things for you. Do things because they make you happy, follow your feelings as a guide to determine what your sense of purpose is. Do not do things for people pleasing reasons, simply do what you love and what makes you happy.

I had relied on her for so long to make me happy and in all honesty it was unfair of me to throw that expectation on her. I know now that I had gotten into this marriage out of fear of being alone and I did what ever it took to keep her with me, including compromising who I was. But worse, I caused her to compromise who she was and then resented my situation because she could ot meet the unreachable expectations of making me happy.

I am in a relationship now, I will never comprimise who I am in order to meet her expectations. I also love her and have no expectation or conditions for her, I simply love her with all my being.

I recommend looking inside yourself and finding the perfection that embodies you. Love yourself truly and you will know how to spot true love.

Love is unconditional.

You are perfect, you are beautiful, you are amazing