Scared of conflicts

[Yellow]

I just realized how scared I am of conflict. With people I am not very close to, I do not even tell them that I disagree with them, if I do. Or tell them something they did that I did not like. I really don't know how to respond when I don't agree with someone. Even if I tell them I disagree, I don't know how to take the conversation further without it seeming like an argument or me acting like a pushover. I don't know how to negotiate either.

I am doing better with people I am close to.

I have NO idea what I should do. It annoys me that I can't disagree, I can't negotiate and I can not confront anyone. I am scared. I am scared of being disliked.

I know I am different from most people. I know very few people who have interests like mine and I love myself for my intellectual interests, for my general maturity and ability to understand emotions well. I am not scared to talk about them. I do not care if people do not agree with me on my philosophical views. I am also proud of my ability to understand the emotional aspects of situations really well.

To counter this, I actually think I am better than other people when it comes to my need to figure things out intellectually and now, emotionally too - which is part of the problem.

I have NO idea what to do.

[Rockchick26]

I am kinda like you,i feel like if i disagree with someone,it can only be an arguement from there on out. And i hate confrontations,arguing,etc. What i've learned to do is just not say anything about it. Say "that's cool" and then dont go any further. I think i was raised this way because my dad used to say "dont talk back!" so anytime i wanted to speak up,i was told not to. Were your parents this way too?

[Marco Polo]

Hm, you seem to be operating under the belief that everything should be harmonious all of the time... no disagreement or nothing. I used to be like that as well, until I realized that a state of perfect harmony between people is neither possible nor desirable.

At the end of the day conflicts will happen. They're not nice, but if we shy away from them we'll make our lives a misery. Just try to maintain that balance between agressiveness and passivity - in other words be assertive. Conflicts are actually a creative force b/c when two opposing ideas clash they can potentially form something new and better (not that this is always the case, but potentially at least).

Firstly, Yellow, you'll need exposure to some low level conflicts even if it doesn't feel good when you start. Nothing big is requried - could use something like the psychiatric process of systematic desensitization (start small, work your way up). The internet is a great place to start because you can go around disagreeing with people without any personal stake.

Use you high emotional intelligence to identify the feelings that arise when you're in conflict. Realize that not only can you observe those emotions - you have control over them. Go ahead, try it right now - concentrate on your emotions and change them to something different (try making yourself a bit angry if you can). Once you've achieved balance in your state of mind/emotions (again, focus on assertiveness and self confidence), you can also feel more comfortable in any conflict or disagreement.

Now if you're actually attacked, if someone's being downright mean or physically provoking you - that's a whole different issue. That's when you need just good old fashioned knee-jerk self defense (still working on that myself).. or you can just be all zen buddha-like and think about your oneness with nature, LOL

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Yellow

To counter this, I actually think I am better than other people when it comes to my need to figure things out intellectually and now, emotionally too - which is part of the problem.

I wonder if the key to your pain is contained in these words. You hold a belief about yourself, one that you work very hard to to prove is wrong and at the same time you work to avoid having people find out. Sometimes your button gets pushed and you get defensive. When that happens, look closely for what you are believing about yourself -- it's exactly what you are defensive about, what you are objecting to in the conversation. Conflict is wonderful, because it will illuminate your self-limiting belief for you. Watch carefully to see what you get upset about -- it's the most generous gift you can give yourself, the key to insight and freedom.

In that way, you could actually look forward to conflict, and at the same time see that by going through it, you can get to a more inspiring possibility for yourself.

[bellemeadows]

You may or may not have noticed, but there are a lot of people who like conflicts, and love to win them, and hate to lose them.

Personally, I feel like if I've engaged, I've lost. Because I've taken something seriously, and I didn't need to. As Angela said so beautifully, those places where you feel a sense of uneasiness, those issues and events that produce internal dis-ease are actually a blessing, because they do show you where you limitations lie, and allow you the possiblity of expansion of belief, awareness, perception, etc.

However, with regards to conflicts, I find it helpful to just walk away, myself. I was married to someone for several decades who loved the engagement of conflict, and what I found was that for me conflict isn't helpful.

The other thing I have realized about conflict is that everyone can be in this world and be 'right' about their beliefs. That doesn't mean I need to agree with them, disagree with them, or even engage with them over their beliefs. It is what it is; it is the nature of this world that people believe different things and value different things.

So if you are uncomfortable with conflict, listen to what that discomfort has to tell you about yourself. Do you really believe that people can be 'right' about anything? Are you free to disagree without that emotional charge? Can you walk away, or is there a need to engage?

Some people actually use conflict to manipulate others.

As children, there are many who are raised in a way that requires apparant agreement with parents or caretakers. And tolerence, space and security is not provided when disagreements occur, and walking away is not an option. Disagreement may have even been physically unsafe. Particularly young women may be taught to agree quickly, and hide any disagreement. As a child it is very possible to feel so unsafe about a disagreement with one's parent(s) or caregivers that the conscious awareness of that disagreement gets hidden internally in a way that it is totally detatched from conscious awareness. . . . this is typically what happens with those who are physically or mentally abused in youth.

Conflict is a big issue for many people; sometimes the answers are simple, sometimes they are not.

For me the issue is one of being fully present, respecting my own right to choose, and knowing when to set boundaries, then have the ability to actually set them. I can enter into conflicts if I so desire, and walk away if I so choose. I can set clear boundaries on where or how far I'll go with conflict. And I can do it without a lot of emotional charge, which for me has been a wonderfully freeing thing.

Merely some thoughts to consider. Blessings from Belle,

[Yellow]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I am kinda like you,i feel like if i disagree with someone,it can only be an arguement from there on out. And i hate confrontations,arguing,etc. What i've learned to do is just not say anything about it. Say "that's cool" and then dont go any further. I think i was raised this way because my dad used to say "dont talk back!" so anytime i wanted to speak up,i was told not to. Were your parents this way too?

Yeah, it is usually not wise to talk back at home. It escalates into a bigger argument when you do. I still do that though at times and I am told not to, every time. Recently though, the way my parents interact with me has changed a bit after I made some stuff a big deal. They've been understanding.

[Yellow]

Originally Posted by Angela

I wonder if the key to your pain is contained in these words. You hold a belief about yourself, one that you work very hard to to prove is wrong and at the same time you work to avoid having people find out. Sometimes your button gets pushed and you get defensive. When that happens, look closely for what you are believing about yourself -- it's exactly what you are defensive about, what you are objecting to in the conversation. Conflict is wonderful, because it will illuminate your self-limiting belief for you. Watch carefully to see what you get upset about -- it's the most generous gift you can give yourself, the key to insight and freedom.

In that way, you could actually look forward to conflict, and at the same time see that by going through it, you can get to a more inspiring possibility for yourself.

Elaborate, please.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Yellow

Elaborate, please.

Questions you might ask yourself: what are my habitual thoughts around conflict? What does my Little Voice say over and over again; what do I believe is true about myself that I don't want others to see, and that I try to prove is not true? During the last conflict I had, what pushed my buttons?

The stress of conflict (or any other stress) can be really bountiful if you are alert, because it can help you to see your habitual negative thoughts. One habitual negative thought I have about myself, for instance, is "I am second-rate." And when I feel defensive or upset in a conversation, it's often because that little gremlin is having its way with me. When I notice "I am second-rate" it gives me the opportunity to see the cost of that, both to myself and to others, and to be present to something that works better in living a life I love, like, "I am Bold Inspiration."

Use conflict as a cornucopia of possibility, and see what kind of fruit it yields.