he beat me up

[MrNotebook]

I recently found an old friend on facebook that I knew since the age of 9 by doing a search of our local high schools to see who I might know and add them as a friend. We grew up together up until about puberty. He was basically like a cousin to me. Anyway, when we were in our early twenties he beat me up pretty bad in front of our posse. I did not fight back and wimped down and took a serious beating to the ground. I made no mention of it on facebook. Most of our talk was just about what you been doin' all these years, what you do now type of talk.

Over the years this took a toll on me being that I've always lost fights and this one was just another ass kickin I guess waitin to be had. It took a lot from me to finally reach a point of forgiveness in my heart. Reading books, praying, growing, etc. Finally, at the age of 38 (15 years since the fight), I can confidently say that I forgive him and look past the hurt.

My question is this. At this point do I need to tell him I forgive him? Isn't my discovering and asking him to be my friend a sure sign that I forgive and thats enough? Is there a need for me to mention anything at all? The way I feel is that I wouldn't have asked his friendship and would have acted like I never knew he was on facebook (he would've never known) if I was unforgiveful.

So I'm thinking just the mere fact I'm willing to be his friend on facebook is a statement of forgiveness. Does my forgiveness need to be extended into words at this point? Isn't the statement already made merely by me welcoming his friendship?

[nvictor]

You know what? There is an ad against cyber-bullies running on TV, and I think this ad can go in both directions. Why do it online if you can't do it in reality?

Facebook will never replace a firm, warm, and long hugging or handshake.

[Rafael Perez]

I understand the type of pain that can come from this type of experience. I have recently dug very deep into my past to a similar event that happened in my life.

This person popped up in my life and I realized that I had unresolved issues because I was confused about what to do. So I dug very very deep.

I wondered if I should tell him about how I forgave him.

Here is what I found within myself. I found that my claim of forgiveness was an attempt in order to get some type of apology from him. I felt he owed me something for "ruining my life"

None of this was true, it was a reality I had created in my mind that helped me explain why I had held on to the pain for so long.

I had somehow allowed myself to feel like the victim in a situation that I had manifested in my own life. I held on to the fact that he owed me for a long time... a very long time.

In my mind I released him of any debt, I also realized that I owed him nothing. I also thought about how at the time I really didn't want to be his friend, which is why the beating probably occurred (the friendship ended right there) so if I didn't want to be his friend then, why would I want to now.

I deleted him from my myspace and have not looked back since.

That was how I handled it. I suggest you go with what feels best for you, it is your choice, it is your reality... Only you know what is best for you.

[MrNotebook]

Originally Posted by nvictor

You know what? There is an ad against cyber-bullies running on TV, and I think this ad can go in both directions. Why do it online if you can't do it in reality?

Facebook will never replace a firm, warm, and long hugging or handshake.

We live in two completely different states. Isn't what matters most is that the forgiveness lives in my heart? I don't necessarily feel compelled to re-initiate a close friendship or be in close contact with this person - I have moved on. I was thinking if he wants to speak with me (or me to him) that we can do so through facebook and that'd be sufficient.

When it comes to forgiveness shouldn't we be wise and set boundaries so we don't put ourselves to be hurt by this person again. Moving on does not neccessarily imply that we haven't forgiven.

[bellemeadows]

I recommend you just forgive, and forgive, and forgive, until you no longer find internally that tug that says I am angry. If you can let this go entirely, it will be healed both for you and for him.

The thing about boundaries, is that for me, I need to set them with no emotional attachment. If I am attached, I am still in the drama. So, my recommendation is, don't worry about the physical part of it. Just do your work internally. If it comes up again, keep doing it. Do it until there is no resonance left. Then if you have another thought or image about the past that is discordant, do it some more until it is gone. One day, if you do that, it will be gone forever.

That, in my experience, is all that is asked or necessary.

Blessings from Belle,

[Rafael Perez]

Originally Posted by MrNotebook

We live in two completely different states. Isn't what matters most is that the forgiveness lives in my heart? I don't necessarily feel compelled to re-initiate a close friendship or be in close contact with this person - I have moved on. I was thinking if he wants to speak with me (or me to him) that we can do so through facebook and that'd be sufficient.

When it comes to forgiveness shouldn't we be wise and set boundaries so we don't put ourselves to be hurt by this person again. Moving on does not neccessarily imply that we haven't forgiven.

Wise words.... Moving on does not imply that we haven't forgiven. You forgive him internally and that is all that matters. When a person needs to say or show it to someone then there are other reasons there and it is not full forgiveness.

I am your grasshopper wise one.

[MrNotebook]

Originally Posted by Rafael Perez

"...When a person needs to say or show it to someone then there are other reasons there and it is not full forgiveness."

Thanks Rafael, I totally agree with this.

[Spartan]

You should have gone to the police and got him done for GBH!

[DayInTheLife]

Originally Posted by Rafael Perez

You forgive him internally and that is all that matters. When a person needs to say or show it to someone then there are other reasons there and it is not full forgiveness.

Absolutely. You don't need any acknowledgment or anything else from him. When you need nothing from that person, you know you have forgiven them.

[MrNotebook]

Originally Posted by Spartan

You should have gone to the police and got him done for GBH!

Police? At that time I went to the hospital (besides I was such in shock I wasn't even thinking police). At that time, after looking back, you're right...I could've gotten him arrested. But part of staying forgiveful (today) is me not thinking I should've called the police. I mean its ok for me to think that, only without anger attached to that thought.

Total forgiveness to me is letting go of any emotion associated with the event from my heart, soul and mind. Essentially, a letting go of the pain.

By the way, what does GBH mean?

[MrNotebook]

Originally Posted by DayInTheLife

"...You don't need any acknowledgment or anything else from him. When you need nothing from that person, you know you have forgiven them."

Thanks!! You guys are so awesome helping me understand forgiveness better. I really appreciate all the feedback!

...keep 'em comin'.

[Jennihul]

Forgiveness isn't for him. It's for you. So talking to him about it is irrelevent.

When you forgive, you are basically dropping the monkey off your own back that keeps you dwelling on negatives. It really has nothing to do with the other.

However, often when you forgive someone who wronged you that you have lost contact with, they occasionally respond to that vibration and contact you to ask for your forgiveness.


Jennifer

[Spartan]

GBH means grievous bodily harm.