How do I forgive?

[garentee]

When I was ten my mother died from cancer. Since today is Mothers Day, I had a very difficult day.. More so than usual . Something was gnawing at me today that has not for a while. I realized that I have some pretty massive unresolved anger towards her for dying when I was young. It really affects the relationships that I have and affects me in several aspects of my life. I am really anxious to try and come up with a way to resolve this anger and actually forgive her for dying. To me it is the core of an awful lot of problems If anyone has ANY insight on this I would love to hear it. Thanks G

[z1freeride]

My dad died when I was 11 from cancer so I felt a lot different emotions as well. (That doesn't mean that my post is any better than the other people's who will also respond.)

I think I felt this way in an effort to abdicate emotional responsibility. For example, it's so easy to blame (and thus feel anger or self-pity) my current emotional state on my dad's death. If I do that, then I'm free of responsibility and then the fact that he won't return to life can lead to even more anger or self-pity.

You may not relate to that example but you can use your emotions as a guide. I believe emotions to be the result of fulfillment or non-fulfillment of desires, expectations or needs. For example, you could be expecting your mom to be a source of comfort, teaching, a listening ear, etc and since she's not here, that desire isn't fulfilled and you feel anger.

[wellbeing]

Dear G,

I'm so sorry for your loss and, as someone who lost their mother when I was young, I can relate to some of what this day might mean to you.

What was helpful for me in processing this event was getting clear on what I was angry about. I mean, specifically, what was I telling myself and how this conflicted with my demands on how the world must function (my "should's").

But, as you sort through these beliefs, I would ask you if you believe that your mother wanted to leave you--that is, if she had been given a conscious choice, that she would have chosen to leave life and thereby leave you. If your answer is "No," please keep that in mind as you anger. If your answer is "Yes," then, if your experience is similar to mine, I'd wonder if you're angry at yourself. If that's the case, I hope you can forgive yourself; there's tremendous healing power in forgiveness.

[mercuryrising]

One of the most powerful ways I have found to forgive someone is to visualize them sitting in some beautiful scenery, like the beach or a spring forest. I see them smiling and radiating with happiness, even if I've never seen them smiling and radiate like that in real life. Then I make it rain flower blossoms all over them. If I have a deep resentment against them, I may do this on several occasions-- whenever anger arises in me towards that person.

This may be particularly useful for you. I believe that though your mother is not physically with you, she is with you in spirit. Your resentment may be preventing you from receiving the nurturing she wishes to give you here and now.

These are just my suggestions. I hope they help you.

[Rafael Perez]

I will make this short because it is a very deep issue and honestly the answer is inside you.

I want you to think about something.. all negative feelings stem from fear. Think about what it is you are afraid of. Break it down, do not be afraid to dig deep, find the core of the anger by finding the fear that is causing it.

Release that fear by no longer giving it power, fear and all feeling that stem from it are only as strong as we allow them to be.

Find the fear. Acknowledge that this fear has no power over you any longer. Then close your eyes and say

"I love you mom, please forgive me, I'm sorry, thank you." say it for as long as you want and as many times as you want.

In order to forgive her, you must forgive yourself...

[garentee]

Thanks for your generous replies. I should give a little more info here. My dad was a good man but he was so emotionally bound up for his entire life. SO when this event happened his advice to us as kids was Try not to think about it. Well I did a really good job at taking his advice... I repressed everything. I have been doing a lot of soul searching for the past few years and have changed an awful lot. I feel like this a core issue. I am just not sure how to proceed. I really like all the suggestions so far, I am not sure though why I mean really WHY I am mad at her... But I am going to find out. Thanks again. G

[bobo]

my mother died when I was 12. There was no father in the picture, so I ended up living with relatives. A lot of anger there. In my opinion, visualations and all that stuff might be somthing to try, but if you want to get to the bottom of this: therapy is the way to go. you need to sort this out from the ground. look at it from differnet angels. It´s too hard to do it on your own. Do yourself a favour and get help.
Good luck!

[garentee]

Bobo,
Sorry for your loss. I have done some therapy over the years and have from time to time considered going back. I know how powerful it can be. thanks for your words. G

[Rafael Perez]

You have held it in for a long time... I want you to try something, this may help you. ok, um... you may think this is silly but it may work for you and is a wonderful step...

When you are alone, release the anger... have a conversation, a loud one say everything you have to say, let it all out. She is listening, just tell her how you feel, scream it. Let yourself cry, just get it all out and tell her how angry you are...

Once all of that is out, you will be able to see a clearer picture of your emotions towards her.

This anger may stem from having to keep it inside. Usually in cases of repressed emotions much resentment and anger cloud what is really going on.

Tell her, get it out of the way... scream! just let it all out. after it is all out, have a conversation with her and tell her everything you have always wanted to tell her.

[garentee]

Rafael,
Thank you so much for your advice. I know there is anger, but I do not know what it is that is the cause. I mean I know it is because my mom died young. However Its really lodged in there. I am going to try to do as you suggested...I have on occasion had conversations with her at her grave which I found to be useful, I have also written her letters... I think what the problem may be is that I need to get at what I felt THEN. It is still in there. I am ready to feel this pain. I had an intense experience yesterday at the beach where I walked barefoot in the cold surf over stones. the air temp was about 50 degrees. but I did not care how cold I got. it did not mater. I stood still with the surf bringing stones over my feet and told her that I loved her... I thanked her and my dad for bringing me into this world and it made me cry.. It was so intensely beautiful and painful all at the same time. Rather cathartic.. I need to do more of this type of stuff. Thanks again.G

[nvictor]

I will not suggest that I understand your feelings, but you might be creating them yourself. You don't need to suffer for something you don't have power over. Actually you do have power over your sufferings...

[rrandolph]

Hi Garentee,

Traumatic events like these can create negative thought patterns and emotional imbalances that can be very difficult to overcome. Something that has helped me tremendously is TAT, which stands for Tapas Acupressure Technique. It's a simple pose you hold while you go through a series of statements intended to help you release traumas from your body. Read more about tat and how it works with traumas here: TAT - Use the Tapas Acupressure Technique to Let Go of an Emotional Trauma

Let me know if you have any questions about it. I just recently used it to help my family when a family member passed away and it was extremely helpful.

[garentee]

rrandolph,
I had trouble with that link. Thanks for the suggestion
nvictor,
can you elaborate a little on your thoughts?
Thanks G

[MrNotebook]

Garentee,

I am sorry to hear you've lost your mother at an early age. You have made the right decision by coming here. The first step is the most important.

Although I've have not experienced this level of loss of a loved one, I understand the feeling of anger quite well. The best advice I can give you is for you to pray about it and search deep inside what her death means to you. Don't believe the voices in your head telling you how you should feel. Those voices are not necessarily you. What you need to do at this point is come to accept that nothing could be done about her leaving you. Come to accept that there are many things in life that are out of our control. So, since it was out of her control, then there should not be any feelings of anger. Replace the feelings of anger with feelings of hope that oneday you will be with her again (in spirit). Keep in mind this level of thinking will require quite a bit of faith on your part.

Essentially, all I am saying is for you to put your faith in God and he will bless you with the understanding you need to unleash the anger and gain the peace he is waiting to give you. Believe in your heart that the anger that you are focusing on is a trap Satan is setting for you so that you can lose direction and ultimately ruin your life.

[garentee]

Little quickie update here...
Monday night I took Rafael Perez' suggestion to yell scream cry etc and see what came out. it was truly cathartic. I know that I need to do this again when the anger arises. For right now though it was such a tremendous help.. I had a conversation with her and aired some more of my concerns.. some of this was repeating things I have said in the past, but with a whole different emotional context behind it. I truly feel I am loosening the knot in my heart that this has created. I love you MOM.G

[robc]

If you love/like yourself, you have a friend for life.

That's part of it right there.

Part of forgiving other people involves forgiving ourselves for having these feelings. You're probably experiencing inner conflict, you know she didn't die on purpose but you're still angry at her that she did die but also you might be feeling angry at yourself for feeling this way too.

Forgive yourself first, it's ok to feel the way you did, you felt cheated, you deserved to have your mom live with you for much longer than you did. You were shortchanged and it wasn't fair and it probably feels like it was done personally against you and on purpose, it happened at a young age so those opinions were formed at that age and have maintained the same idea since then.

Losing a loved one is extremely difficult and sometimes young children might believe it was done to punish them for some reason.

I agree with speaking to someone, a counsellor, therapist, psychiatrist, etc.

Get a fresh viewpoint on all of this.

Forgive yourself for having these feelings, you deserved better and didn't get it and you're angry with yourself, at such a young age you might have even thought that you did something to contribute to this. You didn't do anything to make this happen, you had to survive through this event and deal with it on your own and that's extremely difficult for adults to handle let alone young children.

Once you forgive yourself and stop being angry with yourself, you will be able to forgive others and stop being angry with them.

[rrandolph]

That's good to hear. Primal screams are a great way to clear out stuck emotions and energy. If you're still interested, give the link a try again, it should be working now.

[awakentransform]

Garentee,

I think it is wonderful that you are willing to face this issue and ready to heal it. It is a big step to be able to be honest with yourself that you are angry with her for dying when you were young. One good book that I recommend is called "Radical Forgiveness" by Colin Tipping. I have read other good books on forgiveness, but they usually only tell you why it is so important. This book has a very practical technique for how to forgive.

[garentee]

Thank You Awakentransform,
I just ordered that book. I think too that there ARE self anger issues as well..Not sure why, BUT I will get to the bottom of this. I am so motivated to do this. Everyone has given me insights that I need. Thanks from the bottom of my heart. G

[awakentransform]

Again, kudos to you for your motivation and self-awareness. I truly believe that all our issues with other people are a reflection of our issues with ourself. For example, if we are angry with someone for hurting us, we are also angry with ourself for allowingthat person to hurt us.

Sounds like you are digging deeper to the core of your issue - congrats.