New here and need some help w/ cousins who think they know it all .

[teacher]

Hi. I'm new here. I am a teacher of 8th graders. I've been doing that for soooooo many years. This is my 25th, and YES I am looking forward to retirement in about 5 years or so. So, here's my issue: I have these cousins, females, and we are all in the same age bracket. We've all grown up like sisters, with one exception: I moved to a different city 25 years ago to begin my career. In the meantime, our parents have aged.MIne are the oldest and are in their 80's now. Now we are sadly at that time when it is very apparent that life isn't forever. So, today I get this lecture from cousin number 1 about how I need to come in town more often, that I've missed times that I should've come in town, my parents need me, i've missed holidays, etc. What irks me, and I told her this, is that I KNOW I don't live there. Damn, it's hard enough to realize that day in and day out. I live with the guilt of it all too often, especially when I see how my father and mother have aged. And I wasn't there to SEE it happen gradually. No, instead I get to see it WHACK right in my face all in one hit. I admit, I could go into town more frequently, and I hope to do so. But frankly , up until now, my parents didn't have dire NEED of me. Heck, my dad was playing tennis up until 81, and that was two years ago. Guilt trip. I am on this mega guilt trip, and I don't need to be. I spoke with my mom, and she even said to "let it go. they always think they know more than we do...." and she was referring to her sister and my cousins. Does this make any sense at all? Or am I just rambling? The fact is, they do NOT know or respect boundaries, as in my family, there have never been firm boundaries established. I look forward to hearing from you all...oh, and nice to meet you...and thanks for listening.

[viscapes]

Hi teacher,

I'm a little younger than you (although not as wise I'm sure) but I too live in a city away from the rest of my family so I know how guilty it can feel to be missing out on things. I'm also considering moving to another country which will make this a little harder.

Do you have anything to feel guilty about? Do you consider yourself to be close to your parents? Do they know that you love and appreciate them and feel loved in return? If so, that's pretty good. Many people who never leave their family home don't even achieve this.

If you consider yourself to have nothing to feel guilty about then don't. What does it normally take for you to feel guilty? Is it something that is outside of your own control? Does relieving the feeling guilt rely on others telling you that you have nothing to feel guilty about? That's not within your control, and will only make it easier for you to feel guilty. Instead, redefine your rule for feeling guilty. "I feel guilty when I don't live by my convictions, when I ignore my emotions and when I don't express my feelings to the poeple I love most in the world." That would be entirely appropriate and totally within your control. Live by this and you won't feel guilty.

I hope this helps a little.

Cheers
Paul