Cant fall in love

[Bender.PUA]

I used to be a normal, shy guy, maybe a nerd. I never had any reall girlfriend whatsoever. But I did fall in love sometimes, them not knowing it. So eventually I found seduction forums on the Internet and that changed my life upside down, starting me forewer on a self improwment path.
So now I can attract nice girls into my company... BUT.
My current "girlfriend". I just met her, got her contact nuber. I liked her, she likes me its nice. But I got no REAL emotiones for her. She is cute, nice, good person I like her but dont LOVE her. This thing keeps repeating forwer now. I have never had a girlfriend that I actually genually loved. Not a real relationship either. As things are going I am more hestitant to even meet girls cos I know that eventually I will get bored and they will get hurt, and I dont wanna do that. As all seems to be going, this one will suffer the same fate.

[Dave Kaminski]

It's not an easy thing to find, and you're not exactly supposed to go into the situation looking for love, per se. I see dating as way out of whack in young American society, as everyone looks to find one person right away.

I'm more of a dabbler; I like to date a lot of girls, but I never sleep around. Although some might say that my restraint from increased sexual activity holds me back one way or another, I like to think of sex as spiritual as well as physical, and don't engage in it unless there's a strong bond between me and my partner.

This is difficult on some of the girls I date, however, as they're not all used to this sort of situation. I always try to make my intentions known and be completely honest that I'm just in a dating situation and I'm not looking to settle down immediately, although there's someone I've got my eye on.

Just enjoy what you've got for now, and don't try to force anything. Also, the more you learn to love yourself the more others will be able to learn to love you! You don't have to be perfect to be lovable, I'm still a shred overweight but it doesn't slow me down. Just keep working on improving and love yourself for your 'self' and your efforts!

[Dating Specialist]

Hi Bender

How would you know when you are in love? What needs to happen before you are certain you love someone?

Are you using your PUA skills just to pick girls up, or are you grasping the concept to help you get in touch with your feelings? I'm not too sure about PUA skills, but there seems to be lots of "manipulation" of a girl's feelings to get them interested. So how does this help you to find love, if love may not be what you're looking for subconsciously?

Then again, do not go too hard on finding love. It will find you, if you have faith.

[ViceVirtue]

Love is a verb. It's something you do, not something you fall into.

You've previously fell into crushes, not love. Now that you're not quite as desperate or 'AFC' since changing your life and perspective on women, you're still expecting those emotions of what you believed to be love to come, but they aren't, because they were never love.

If you don't expect to find the one any time soon, date around and at least make it your goal to leave them better than you found them, as the saying goes. And work on not getting bored and instead grow fond of the various qualities of your girlfriend, etc. Love isn't something you sit around and wait for. It's a verb.

[Radical]

Originally Posted by ViceVirtue

Love is a verb. It's something you do, not something you fall into.

You've previously fell into crushes, not love. Now that you're not quite as desperate or 'AFC' since changing your life and perspective on women, you're still expecting those emotions of what you believed to be love to come, but they aren't, because they were never love.

If you don't expect to find the one any time soon, date around and at least make it your goal to leave them better than you found them, as the saying goes. And work on not getting bored and instead grow fond of the various qualities of your girlfriend, etc. Love isn't something you sit around and wait for. It's a verb.

I'm sorry but I disagree. Love is a verb, but it is also an adjective. A word for that immense attraction you feel towards someone that can't be described.

[Dave Kaminski]

EESH! I didnt notice your name was Bender.PUA. I don't think, IMHO, the art of the pickup is the best choice you could make in meeting young women. Get Zan's Enlightened Seduction for the sake of yourself and women alike. Please!

[songwriter]

mmm... love is not a feeling!.

[Radical]

Originally Posted by songwriter

mmm... love is not a feeling!.

Yes it is, a feeling of immense attraction.

[andrew]

I think love and the effects of attraction/attachment/lower status/infatuation/etc get confused. Now I'm not trying to throw out a bunch of PUA jargon, and I speak from experience and I've been exactly where bender's been.

When I was bad with girls, I easily got attached. I was like wow a girl that likes me, and became infatuated and put a lot of focus on her. So I was desperate, liked her, focused a majority of my energy towards her, she was more popular/attractive etc etc. Being in that position and age, I had a lot more emotions and didn't really know how to handle them, and thus 'falling in love'. The effects of such can be seen with many teen girls, that seem to fall in love and know what it's all about.

Now that I'm older and have developed myself much more, I no longer 'fall in love' so quickly. I know there are thousands of women out there that would love to be with me, so I don't have the feeling of desperation anymore. There's no "wow a girl likes me, I have to hold on to her".

So now that you're in the same area, you have options, and aren't too concerned with the outcome, you're not going to feel those emotions as quickly. But I know you're feeling, "these girls are great and all, and I really dig them, but I don't feel that same til-death-do-us-part feeling I had when I sucked. What's going on here?" As long as you're genuine and are both having a lot of fun, I don't think it's a problem. You can love someone without being in love with them.

As a side note, I feel that the intensity of love is proportional to the emount of energy invested. But think about it: if you never think about somebody and never do anything with them, you're not going to feel the same type of strong love as if somebody you're always making love to(a lot of energy) and thinking about.

[andrew]

Originally Posted by Radical

Yes it is, a feeling of immense attraction.

Actually, by your definition, that would be considered lust rather than love. I don't feel immense attraction to my brother or father, but I still feel love for them. I know you're not talking about family love, but it's an example, and I'm sure you get the idea.

[Radical]

Originally Posted by andrew

As a side note, I feel that the intensity of love is proportional to the emount of energy invested. But think about it: if you never think about somebody and never do anything with them, you're not going to feel the same type of strong love as if somebody you're always making love to(a lot of energy) and thinking about.

I think you could be on to something here, especially with the energy you put in to thinking about someone. I think the more you think about someone, whilst thinking about how much you love them, the more you will attach that person to the state of happiness, joy and love.

[ashwin]

Originally Posted by Radical

Yes it is, a feeling of immense attraction.

I think love can be both a feeling and an action (noun & verb i.e. not so sure about adjective though..) Love is the delightful presence / recall of another person and what they mean to us. Love is also the extra efforts we take for someone special to us, often at personal cost. This includes, but is not limited to, romantic love.

[escapee]

Cant seem to fall in love ? then watch this cool Korean music video to fill your mind with romance and love that would probably last for a minimum of 8 mins .

[Michael Chui]

*cheerfully* I wrote a definition of love over here, and I am of course willing to discuss it.

[Wanderer]

The Greeks had many words for love.
As for been unable to fall in love, maybe you should just give it a bit more time... or maybe you need to travel/do some soul searching and come back realising what you want to feel
Hope this helps

[Baltar]

There's a pretty good analysis of love here, both scientific and unscientific. Most people probably mistake a lot of things for love. The first phase of a relationship is *not* what love is. It only lasts for a few months maybe, and is mostly a reaction to hormones. When you truly love a person you know that they're not perfect, you know all their faults, but you don't care because it's part of who they are and you love them for who they are. I think that's the biggest part of it. But to get to that point, you have to know a person for a very long time. So it's not something like BAM! and you're in love. It happens slowly, sometimes over years.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by Baltar

There's a pretty good analysis of love here, both scientific and unscientific.

I find the idea that it's scientific hard to credit. I did some searching and it turns out that's the citation of a book. The book is an anthropological shindig. It makes me feel odd to discover that the webpage practically agrees with me down to the letter.

[Bender.PUA]

Originally Posted by andrew

I think love and the effects of attraction/attachment/lower status/infatuation/etc get confused. Now I'm not trying to throw out a bunch of PUA jargon, and I speak from experience and I've been exactly where bender's been.

When I was bad with girls, I easily got attached. I was like wow a girl that likes me, and became infatuated and put a lot of focus on her. So I was desperate, liked her, focused a majority of my energy towards her, she was more popular/attractive etc etc. Being in that position and age, I had a lot more emotions and didn't really know how to handle them, and thus 'falling in love'. The effects of such can be seen with many teen girls, that seem to fall in love and know what it's all about.

Now that I'm older and have developed myself much more, I no longer 'fall in love' so quickly. I know there are thousands of women out there that would love to be with me, so I don't have the feeling of desperation anymore. There's no "wow a girl likes me, I have to hold on to her".

So now that you're in the same area, you have options, and aren't too concerned with the outcome, you're not going to feel those emotions as quickly. But I know you're feeling, "these girls are great and all, and I really dig them, but I don't feel that same til-death-do-us-part feeling I had when I sucked. What's going on here?" As long as you're genuine and are both having a lot of fun, I don't think it's a problem. You can love someone without being in love with them.

Yep, you nailed it! That is it. Thing is, Im kinda dissapointed that I made all the effort to get this area of my life sorted only to find out its not what I was after all.

[andrew]

Well I don't know about you, but I'm living a much better life! I'm not constantly feeling all these emotions that I don't know if they're good or bad, all these butterflies, loss, depression, etc. I'm feeling much more interesting things, like sexual tension, flirting, being in control, glowing with joy knowing that I love women and women love me and we are having fun. Sure it may not be as intense, but if you want to go back to those feelings, find a girl, go steady, then start being a wuss and go back to your old ways. I don't recommend that though, this is much more fun and healthy.

Also another reason you may feel 'empty' is because emotions are addicting. Physicly, like the chemicals in your brain and everything. So just you'd feel empty after not smoking for a few months. But then years later you're living a much healthier life

[songwriter]

Originally Posted by Radical

Yes it is, a feeling of immense attraction.

No, you're feeling attraction, not love, love is an attitude toward someone not a feeling.

Well, I know, we should agree before what is "being in love", there's so many definitions, I think everybody got one.

For instance, I don't know if I'm in love of not.

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by songwriter

No, you're feeling attraction, not love, love is an attitude toward someone not a feeling.

Well, I know, we should agree before what is "being in love", there's so many definitions, I think everybody got one.

For instance, I don't know if I'm in love of not.

I agree with you songwriter. That is attraction, and you can get immensely attracted to many people at the same time!

Attraction has to be in place before you can fall in love (not just physical attraction that is). But to love a person is definitely more than that.

Yes, it can be said as a form of attitude. Love is a choice too.