Dealing with my dark side

[elliot]

I haven't posted in close to a month. After you read this, you'll know exactly why.

Coming to terms with the month of April 2008

Here is a list of things that have occurred, some of them good some of them not so good.

Me
-I believe that on some level, I have become emotionally numb to my surroundings and my present state. I'm not quite sure of the reasons, but it is a feeling that I have each and every day. Physically present, but mentally checked out? For example, it is May 2008 and I feel like I do not know where the year has gone. Much of this, is likely due to the incredibly high amount of time I spend alone. Perhaps, this is the type of coping mechanism, to deal with the lack of progress in other areas
- My ego has a very powerful grip over me. In my case, it means that there is a voice that is constantly telling me why I cannot succeed, or analyzes different situations that do not need to be analyzed to such a great degree. I've made many attempts to neutralize it, but it keeps returning.
- I am stuck in, or almost obsessed with the past. I find myself embracing the present moment only on rare key occasions, such as when I am at work. I constantly feel a need to compare people who once shared common threads with myself to their present-day counterparts. Although I have made some accomplishments, they do not feel, or better yet they do not really inspire me.
- My time management skills desperately need improvement. When I get home from work, I may watch a television show, play on the Internet, eat dinner, and before I know it the whole night is over.
Relationships
-After nearly 8 months (my longest relationship ever), I've decided to call it quits. There were quite a few reasons for the decision, though I won't bother to rehash them all here. the big one, was that I was not feeling the passion, and I felt as though our paths were not compatible with one another. Also to put it bluntly, two tops don't make a right... I think the straw that broke the camel's back was an argument I unwillingly became a part of between him and his mother. He's 31, lives at home with his parents though he moved out for a few years. Self-employed but he doesn't make that much money and lacks health insurance. He's been complaining about abdominal pain for months. Coming from someone who makes too many excuses, I felt like he wasn't really trying to help himself. Constantly placing the blame on other people. We're still friends, but that sense of connection we had (I consider it a mild attachment) is definitely not present. When I talk to him, I feel cold emotionally. Moreso than the norm.
-Right now, I'm experimenting on a popular gay singles site for a week to see what's out there. I'm not really sure I want another relationship right now. I would rather make some new friends first and take it from there.
Work
I suppose if I wanted to avoid being negative about my job... I have health benefits, I received a paycheck every two weeks, it gets me out of the house, it's close to my house. My salary is about 28k per year. I presently have about 60k in long-term debt. We recently got a new manager, he seems like a nice guy.
If I wanted to be realistic about my job... It's driving my insane, no variety. I think it's contributing to my 'checked out' feeling. Each day I spend there, I feel a little bit dumber. Its level of meaning to me rates about a 5/10. I help people and seem to get along with them well, but the clock is ticking and I'm doing the same damn thing..

I look and I look through postings on Craigslist, Careerbuilder, monster.com. I am lost in the whole process. At this point, I don't feel strong enough to make a concentrated effort to branch out. We're in the midst of a recession, I don't have much experience and I feel constantly pulled into a negative aura that kills my passion almost instantly.

At one point, I did have my resume posted to the careerbuilder.com website. However, once some employers contacted me I chose to remove it from the site. I was, and I am afraid of taking on new opportunities. Part of it goes to my upbringing. Living in the same house for almost 25 years, never having a whole bunch of friends in my area and still not.

I took a walk around the neighborhood with my iPod on. Even though I was walking up and down the streets I essentially grew up on, I felt detached. Most of the people I once knew or was close friends with have gone in their own separate directions.

I am extremely frustrated right now and will probably have a long cry in my room about it. Then I'll pull the pieces together and do the same thing I've been doing for the last 27 months. I never wanted a bank teller job and now I can't get away from it.

I need an *intervention* in the worst way possible. I've spent nine years doing jobs I never really gave a **** about. Rather than making no money starting out and developing my skills to the level that would make me more comfortable. I want to quit my job, but am not sure I want to deal with the uncertainties which lie within. I am not going to ask my friends to help me because my personality, these obstacles are so draining. There is logic, flawed logic and emotional distress. I am wrapped up in the middle somewhere.

Isolation
I always knew I was a loner. Now I seem to have taken it to a new level. When people come over the house, I run to my room and hide. Neighbors - check, family members - check. Some people I genuinely just don't want to talk to, but others I don't want to bore / bombard with my own struggles between self-esteem, sexual identity, employment frustrations, weight issues and the like. It's so much easier not to say anything, or make a quick appearance then run.

You know how people have company come over every once in a while. None of my friends have come to visit me really this entire year and maybe one did once last year. My parents don't really like unexpected company because they want the house to be clean / not leave personal belongings out, etc. I dated my boyfriend for 8 months and never once did I invite him to my house. I think I was embarrassed to have him over. Though I went to his all the time. That's not healthy.

I can still think clearly but man do I feel beat up after all this. It's like my soul is slowly fading away. Might as well flame broil it and serve it to the vultures.

[Maguru]

As there is much going within you, maybe your complex ego is falling apart. Let it!

My ego has a very powerful grip over me.

It is the 'me' in this sentence that is coming forth. Again, let it! Good luck

[amixa]

Originally Posted by elliot

-I believe that on some level, I have become emotionally numb to my surroundings and my present state. I'm not quite sure of the reasons, but it is a feeling that I have each and every day. Physically present, but mentally checked out?
- My ego has a very powerful grip over me. In my case, it means that there is a voice that is constantly telling me why I cannot succeed, or analyzes different situations that do not need to be analyzed to such a great degree. I've made many attempts to neutralize it, but it keeps returning.
- I am stuck in, or almost obsessed with the past. I find myself embracing the present moment only on rare key occasions, such as when I am at work. I constantly feel a need to compare people who once shared common threads with myself to their present-day counterparts. Although I have made some accomplishments, they do not feel, or better yet they do not really inspire me.

mentally as in emotionally? sounds like someone I know is going through the same thing
I suggested he go see a counsellor and now he is.. he's doing a lot of personal work and I think its what you need too

Originally Posted by elliot

- My time management skills desperately need improvement. When I get home from work, I may watch a television show, play on the Internet, eat dinner, and before I know it the whole night is over.

as tempting as it is, if you know tv and internet games is slowing you down, don't turn the computer or tv on when you get home. keep them off.. make yourself do the things you want to do.


In general.. you seem to know what you're doing wrong. Now take the next step. Go seek counselling. Ask your doctor for a refferal, and if you don't have a doctor, go to a walk in clinic.
You said you're afraid of change? well it sounds like you need one.. but you're afraid.. I am dealing with this with my boyfriend and he does need pushing, and if you don't have a significant other to help you out counselling is the best route. -- however don't expect if you do start seeing someone for them to pull you out... only you can do that.

[Angela]

Hey, Elliott, I'm glad to see you, and I'm sorry you're feeling bad right now.

Are you ready and willing to take 100% responsibility for being in love with your life?

[Syr]

Hi Elliot, nice to meet you! We don't know each other and I can't help with all problems, but I can give my views on some of them, being a total outsider, but an outsider who had/has a lot of similarties with your own state. Maybe I say the same as axima at some points, but I guess that means you should really look at that.

Originally Posted by elliot

- I am stuck in, or almost obsessed with the past. I find myself embracing the present moment only on rare key occasions, such as when I am at work. I constantly feel a need to compare people who once shared common threads with myself to their present-day counterparts. Although I have made some accomplishments, they do not feel, or better yet they do not really inspire me.

I'm not sure if I get this right, but you feel you're jealous?
Envy is generally regarded as something bad, but can be used as motivator! Instead of focussing why you are NOT in the same situation as the other, you'll focus on how you CAN achieve such a similar situation as the other.

Originally Posted by elliot

<snip>
Constantly placing the blame on other people.

Educate him... Say he should find out what his part of the blame is and how he can avoid that in the future. Did you tell him the reasons for breaking up? No? Maybe you two should evaluate the relation you had and see for yourself what's to be improved on your side (I guess he's able to tell some characterflaws in you as well).

Originally Posted by elliot

- I suppose if I wanted to avoid being negative about my job... I have health benefits, I received a paycheck every two weeks, it gets me out of the house, it's close to my house. My salary is about 28k per year. I presently have about 60k in long-term debt. We recently got a new manager, he seems like a nice guy.
If I wanted to be realistic about my job... It's driving my insane, no variety. I think it's contributing to my 'checked out' feeling. Each day I spend there, I feel a little bit dumber. Its level of meaning to me rates about a 5/10. I help people and seem to get along with them well, but the clock is ticking and I'm doing the same damn thing..

Talk about it with your manager, see if your tasks can be expanded/changed. If there isn't such a chance, go find something else (while keeping your job for financial support, if you know you can start somewhere else: quit then)!

Personally I get bored with jobs pretty fast, hence I dislike working and why I signed up to this place. I want to get the tasks I should do as efficient as possible, so I can spend more time on my passions.

About that debt: to quote from this interview

Save at least 10% of your income.
Start now.
If you have a windfall of some kind, save at least 50% of it.

As you said, those debts are long-term, so probably don't require immediate attention. Use that attention for the present. And the savings to deal with that debt later.

About the boredom and isolation: move to another town/district. I had a depressive state not unlike you. I had to move to another side of the country for my current studies and it liberated me from a lot of things I was bored with. In the beginning you're probably even more lonely because you're away from your parents, but you can get a pet for company (and believe me, they do become family to you) to compensate for that and you can always call your parents. Maybe you can find a place with a thriving LGBT-scene, so you have people around you who can help with some of your issues (and maybe get a new boyfriend).

Have you ever studied something? I guess you're around or younger than me (I'm 27 at the moment), I started my current study about 2 years ago, just before I turned 26. I found a school which fits better with me than my previous studies and it helps me in developing my passions into paid jobs. It's a good alternative for working and you develop yourself as well. (Just try to avoid psychology, those studies tend to be done by people who are in psychological need themselves.)

[elliot]

Since making this original posting, there have been some positive developments in my life.

I will list them for you below:
-Attended graduation on Tuesday of this week, and shared a very special moment in my life with both friends and family.
-Managed to lose 5 pounds going from 205 to 200.
-Reached a point at my job where I didn't really care, and wanted to do something different even if it wasn't the most exciting thing. That said I applied for and successfully received a promotion equating to a 25% pay raise.
-Did a little bit more investing, adding $1000 to my Roth IRA and $1000 to my regular stock trading account. One of my investments that was down nearly 60% earlier during the year through averaging down and recent gains is only down 30%. I expect it to at least break even in the next three months as recent acquisitions should bolster quarterly profits.

Still hungry for change in my professional life, and believe that in the next six months I'll be doing something radically different from what I'm doing now.

[elliot]

Originally Posted by Angela

Hey, Elliott, I'm glad to see you, and I'm sorry you're feeling bad right now.

Are you ready and willing to take 100% responsibility for being in love with your life?

Hi Angela, I believe that I am ready to take 100% responsibility for my daily actions. I also want to be in love with my life and have someone be in love with me. Still talk to my ex, we are friends but I don't feel a real strong connection to him and believe he feels the same way. I would hate for anything bad to happen to him.

[anamoly]

Top of the morning to you elliot! A lot of what you say reminds me of myself. In fact, I know that me and you are really a whole big processes which the human thought cannot even comprehend. As intelligent as we give ourselves credit for, our intelligence really is puny to the vastness available to you when you simply let go of yourself.

As simple as it sounds, simply let your experience life through the lens of miraculousness and gratitude. How do you do that? Give it a try. Be grateful for what there is. No need to try to be grateful, no need to think about being grateful - although it's definitely a pleasant and comforting thought. However, I think the solution is to give yourself time to step away from thought. As ironic as it may be to think in order to form sentences, sometimes we should simply let ourselves go.

Whether that means to recognize what you enjoy or simply go ahead and be the joy thats already present within you. It's naturally there, but sometimes the mechanical society which we perceive to sometimes live in really dashes you away. Don't let it. Stay centered. Where do you come from? Who knows, the source of nothing. Discover it. Stay centered in it.

Perhaps read the Tao Te Ching, it may help you discover the miraculousness inside every human being, echoed by many many spiritual healers throughout the eons. Your soul can never be lost, because it is not the false you, which you so clearly recognize as the ego. How do you recognize the ego? Depending on your meaning of the word, its your social mask, let yourself be vulnerable, let yourself be real, let yourself be whole. None of us are perfect. All of us understand where you have been, even if sometimes we don't show it and deject your loneliness with sheer crude shrewdness.

Give what you want, welcome people, present people, lovingly and curiously observe whats around you, while letting your thoughts be - if they run wild - let them. None of those thoughts can take away whats real and whats there for you now. They are simply words in a twig of associations, wrapped around your mind. Be your physician, be your healer, see how your associations lie - your body will help guide you through it. Don't fight it, don't fight the pain if you feel your body reacting negatively to a thought. Simply recognize that it's your greater intelligence giving you feedback on your state of mind. Don't believe this, try it out for yourself.

As all have said, let yourself be.

[Ryan24]

Hello Elliot, hope things are going well for you. Adding on to the advice give to you already, here are some bullet points that might help you out.

• Take some time alone to sort things out in your mind. Find out what is far and away the most important thing for you to focus on now.
• Keep up with exercise. A lively body makes for a lively mind.
• You say you want to change careers. Find a skill you like, develope it. No better time than now to start.
• Accept that the current funk will only make you better in the future.

Best of luck- Ryan