The father that I wish I had never met

[Akasha]

Last night, I wrote my father out of my life, so to speak. This is after he has basically been out of me and my sister's life for the past 25 years, give or take a year or two. He and my mom were divorced when I was a baby. He didn't think it was necessary to keep in touch with us as we were growing up, b/c he and my mom didn't get along well. My sister tracked him down when I was 15. We met and he basically accused us of trying to find him just to get an address for back child support. It just so happened that it came through about a month after we met him. My mom had been trying for years. Plus, we were owed that, for crying out loud. Anywho...we parted ways for several years and then reconnected about 3 or 4 years ago, when my half-sister was getting married. Things were still bumpy and there were still alot of unanswered questions, but we were willing to give it a shot.

Just something that needs to be added to the story, so the reader can understand why I have such animosity and anger towards this man....I'm an amputee. I lost my right leg when I was 14 years old. I almost died during all this. I had a major blood clot. My mom tried to contact my dad, but he was in Las Vegas at the time. She spoke with his mom and she said she would let him know what was going on. Anyways, needless to say, he never showed. No phone call. Nothing.

So after a while, I finally mustered up the courage to ask him why he didn't come out there or call. His answer? First he said they didn't have the money. Pure B.S. Then he actually said that he thought my mom was making it up to get attention. I'm laying in a hospital bed dying and all he can think about it is how much he despises my mom?!?! And after 14 years?!?!? Whatever!?!?! I haven't really spoken to him in months b/c of it.

So, fast-forward to now. My mom was in a horrific car accident last week. She is lucky to be alive. My sister called to tell him, but did he get in the car to come down here to be with us for even a day? (He lives in Oklahome, we're in Arkansas) No..of course not. And the man didn't even have the decency to call and ask if I was ok. Plus he had the audacity to say that the phone runs two ways. I haven't heard from the man for half of my life. I think I'm entitled to a few phone calls. The icing on the cake is when he said that he had no sympathy for my mom b/c she was popped on pills. OMG, I wanted to jump through the phone and strangle him. I told him to forget he ever met me. I'm done. Yes, my mom has a problem with pills, and we're going to get her some help. But no one deserves what she went through. And he's my father! He supposed to care. Whatever! I'm so done with him.

[uberinquisitive]

Akasha - I totally empathize with you. I have a similar relationship with my father.

However, I am learning to forgive him. Not for his sake, but for mine. Because anger towards your father hurts only only one person: yourself. He's sleeping fine at night - are you? Your anger is like poison you drink in hopes that he'll suffer.

First off - having a deadbeat dad is devastating to a child. Your father is one-half of YOU...if he doesn't want you, then what does that say about you? Many people in our situation feel like we're inherently un-loveable. That something is wrong with us - why else wouldn't Daddy love us?

That rage you feel towards your father? That rage is also directed at yourself. I felt rage towards myself for allowing myself to be vulnerable and helpless - how could I have let anyone hurt me so badly? However, I later realized - I was angry at myself for being a kid...and all kids are loving, vulnerable, and helpless. All kids need their father. There was nothing "stupid" about me wanting love! It's natural. And yet, I berated myself for this natural impulse. So...I felt unlove-able and weak.

Today, I'm able to see a couple things.

1. My father has a lot of problems. They existed before me. I did not cause them. And these problems keep him from being a good father.

2. I felt un-loveable because of his neglect...however, is he really worth basing my esteem on? I mean, if he were a Gandhi or a really awesome person, then it might mean something. However, if Hitler were my dad, would being rejected by Hitler necessarily be such a horrible thing?

3. I was the child. How can a child do anything wrong? Until the early 20's, your brain isn't even fully developed.

4. It felt like, without my father, something was missing in me. That maybe, I couldn't even survive. That's totally natural - not too long ago in human history, not having a father would have meant imminent starvation and death. What I feel is normal. I'm not weak for feeling vulnerable.

5. Does my father "owe" me? Of course. However, I'm not sure he shares the same sentiment. As I hold onto this resentment, he is going on with his life. Who am I hurting? Myself. Feeling that he owes me dis-empowers me, and only me. That's not fair to myself. I don't need to punish myself anymore.

6. Is he supposed to care? Of course. But does he? His actions show otherwise. And there is nothing you can do about it. That is reality. You can take the anger and let it eat away at you (as all negative emotion does). Or, you can use that anger as the catalyst for real forgiveness and growth.

I recommend a couple things for you, which have worked for me.

1. EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). You can go to tapping.com and the official website, emofree.com, and find information about this technique. Basically, it's accupressure. When you apply it to an intense, negative emotion...it neutralizes the intense energy field. I've had a lot of success with it.

2. Read Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth" and "The Power of Now." Oprah is also doing a webinar with Tolle.

3. Read Byron Katie's "Loving What Is." Go on her website and watch some videos on how she does the work.

Good luck.

[Susie]

Akasha I am so sorry for all of your pain. I also had an extremely similar situation with my own father. In my case I didn't have the traumatic injury like you had and the situation still hurt me to the core.

After giving one chance after another, and being let down one time after another, I finally decided to quit trying and I gave up on the idea of ever having a father. He is too selfish and self-absorbed to think of anyone but himself which sounds like the case with your father, too.

In the end it is his loss, for example just on a practical note, if my 'father' had invested a tiny bit of time and concern he could have had a daughter (and sons) to help take care of him in his old age or if he were to get sick. But now he'll be on his own, and it was 100% his choice to refuse what could have been an invaluable relationship(s) in his life. At one time it did seem like he was rejecting me, which really hurt, but now I see the truth is he's shot himself in the foot. It's his loss. I did what I could, I got tired of getting hurt, and so I've given up, knowing full well it was HIS choice and it's out of my hands. (He did once use that same 'the phone works both ways' line on us, too!!! Please.)

If one day he reaches out to me I won't shut him out, but honestly I can't see that happening and I hold out absolutely no hope for it whatsoever. In fact I don't even see it as "hope" because I can't say I would be happier if he were in my life. There is that idea of a dad I had in my mind, but it just doesn't exist in reality.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Akasha

And he's my father! He supposed to care. Whatever! I'm so done with him.

When you say "I'm so done with him," I hear "I wish I could be done with him." You are obsessing over him as if he can bring you happiness. Does he even have happiness himself? How can he bring it to you? You generate your own happiness. Blaming other people is just you taking the power in your hands and forcing it on somebody that doesn't want it.

You want to be done with him? Then be done with him. Expect nothing from him. Don't ignore him, because that is just the other side of the same coin that has you expecting money and support from him. Simply don't consider him unless he shows that he is worth considering. Focus on your own happiness, and generating it for yourself rather than waiting for a bad parent to do the job for you.

[Akasha]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

I felt un-loveable because of his neglect...however, is he really worth basing my esteem on? I mean, if he were a Gandhi or a really awesome person, then it might mean something. However, if Hitler were my dad, would being rejected by Hitler necessarily be such a horrible thing?

This is exactly how I've felt most of my life. Like I've had to replace him somehow, yet I couldn't b/c I wasn't worthy of love. And even though I'm grown now and I know better, it still doesn't make it any easier.

Thank you for your kind words and advice though. I will definitely check out the websites and reading you suggested.

[Akasha]

Originally Posted by Susie

There is that idea of a dad I had in my mind, but it just doesn't exist in reality.

Susie, I know EXACTLY what you mean. I had this picturesque life all built up in my mind for after we finally met. We would spend time together and talk and talk. He would never want to be away from me again. Yada, yada, yada. It's like you said. Reality is reality. It just doesn't exist. And it's his loss. Thank you so much for replying and understanding. It's nice knowing there are people out there who can relate.

[Love]

It seems to me Akasha, that you are very strong. There's been a lot of difficult events in your life, and you're not wandering around broken, even though you may feel animosity towards your dad.

I too, kept trying to fit my dad into a peg. I wondered why he was so different from everyone else, and why couldn't I have a dad like the ones that were on TV?

I had to do what the Cloud suggested, and what you appear ready to do. Drop him. I let my dad go. I no longer expected him to do anything for me. I no longer let myself think that possibly he might one day be a real dad. I realized that I didn't need him to be happy. That took a bit for me to realize and then absorb into my being, but it was definitely worth it. Now I can feel free, and you will too, someday.

[Akasha]

Originally Posted by Love

It seems to me Akasha, that you are very strong. There's been a lot of difficult events in your life, and you're not wandering around broken, even though you may feel animosity towards your dad.

I too, kept trying to fit my dad into a peg. I wondered why he was so different from everyone else, and why couldn't I have a dad like the ones that were on TV?

I had to do what the Cloud suggested, and what you appear ready to do. Drop him. I let my dad go. I no longer expected him to do anything for me. I no longer let myself think that possibly he might one day be a real dad. I realized that I didn't need him to be happy. That took a bit for me to realize and then absorb into my being, but it was definitely worth it. Now I can feel free, and you will too, someday.

I'm strong, Love, pretty much b/c I've had to be. But thank you for saying that. Life has dealt me some pretty rough cards. But I've muddled through somehow and made it through to the other side...without the help of my sorry excuse for a father, I might add.

I am ready to let go of him. I have. I was holding on for so long, hoping that he would just change a tiny bit, but it's not going to happen. And I accept that now. I really don't need him. I didn't have him for 27 years. It's not like I'll really know the difference now, right?

[uberinquisitive]

Originally Posted by Akasha

I am ready to let go of him. I have. I was holding on for so long, hoping that he would just change a tiny bit, but it's not going to happen. And I accept that now. I really don't need him. I didn't have him for 27 years. It's not like I'll really know the difference now, right?

Letting him go is a great idea - if you can truly let him go. That means the negative emotions are transmuted into compassionate indifference - like what you would feel for the checkout girl at the grocery store.

It took me 29 years to get to the place where I'd consider forgiving my father. I still feel resistant because it feels like I'm condoning his actions.

Also, deep down, I think that my holding onto these bad feelings is my last link to him...or that if I'm intensely negative enough, that my resentment will somehow magically cause him to change.

It took me a LONG time to figure out my subconscious motivations - after all, isn't it crazy to hold onto such draining, negative emotions?