Anger towards ex, just can't let go

[JayFL]

I've been reading these boards for quite awhile and have seen some great insight from many people. I hope I can get some perspective on this.

I had a 4 month relationship end around December and it was very devastating. We dated for four months and fell in love very quickly. She talked about marriage and kids. The down side was that I chose to ignore many red flags about her drinking, past relationships and even actions towards me that were not healthy or respectful.

It bacame apparent towards the end that things were not working. After a few episodes of her being emotionally abusive after drinking, she broke up with me. I pleaded and said I would work with her and do whatever it takes to make the relationship work. Her response was that she was just not on the path of self discovery like I was and wasn't ready to grow. She said she wasn't ready to face her demons and maybe she would be ready to grow at a later time.

At first I was very depressed and obssessive about the breakup, losing sleep, losing weight, no interest in anything. Then as time that grew into allot of anger towards her. Everytime we would have contact it would start in a nice way and then end up with me being very angry. I honestly feel ashamed about my behaivor and lack of self control when speaking to her. It got worse over the months to the point we have no contact at all. The problem is we live very close and cross paths every now and then.

Here I am over 4 months later, still obsessed, angry and consumed by this breakup. I look back to where I was this time last year before I met her and I'm a completely different person now. I have a very hard time feeling the joy for life that I had just a year ago.

My last two relationships have been this way. They move way too fast and then end abrubtly with me very angry at the other person. I'm 31 now and would love to just have a stable relationship with a person who is willing to work on themselves and the relationship to be a better person. How can I let go of this last one so I can get back to loving life again?

[Angela]

Hi, JayFL, welcome! So glad to have you here.

It's interesting that after she was repeatedly abusive to you, you pleaded with her to be with you. It sounds like although she (and you, too) fell quickly into that blind, first blush love thing (four months is a really pretty short time to be talking about marriage and babies, don't you think, especially when you're experiencing red flags), still she was pretty honest with you when she gathered her awareness. It sounds like you both knew it wasn't the right partnership, and it was pretty generous of her to let you go with honesty once she got a grip, such as it is.

So, what exactly has you being angry? Will you look a little deeper and ask yourself for the inner truth of: what am I holding on to that I don't need? What could I be generating that would make a difference? Whatever it is you find yourself craving from her that it makes you upset she didn't provide it, are you willing to generate it yourself?

Since you've gone through this before, my guess is that once you tell yourself the truth about your anger, you'll have a lot of power and presence to generate a loving, long-term mutually beneficial relationship with the right person. What do you think?

[vapourmile]

Originally Posted by JayFL

I've been reading these boards for quite awhile and have seen some great insight from many people. I hope I can get some perspective on this.

I had a 4 month relationship end around December and it was very devastating. We dated for four months and fell in love very quickly. She talked about marriage and kids. The down side was that I chose to ignore many red flags about her drinking, past relationships and even actions towards me that were not healthy or respectful.

It bacame apparent towards the end that things were not working. After a few episodes of her being emotionally abusive after drinking, she broke up with me. I pleaded and said I would work with her and do whatever it takes to make the relationship work. Her response was that she was just not on the path of self discovery like I was and wasn't ready to grow. She said she wasn't ready to face her demons and maybe she would be ready to grow at a later time.

At first I was very depressed and obssessive about the breakup, losing sleep, losing weight, no interest in anything. Then as time that grew into allot of anger towards her. Everytime we would have contact it would start in a nice way and then end up with me being very angry. I honestly feel ashamed about my behaivor and lack of self control when speaking to her. It got worse over the months to the point we have no contact at all. The problem is we live very close and cross paths every now and then.

Here I am over 4 months later, still obsessed, angry and consumed by this breakup. I look back to where I was this time last year before I met her and I'm a completely different person now. I have a very hard time feeling the joy for life that I had just a year ago.

My last two relationships have been this way. They move way too fast and then end abrubtly with me very angry at the other person. I'm 31 now and would love to just have a stable relationship with a person who is willing to work on themselves and the relationship to be a better person. How can I let go of this last one so I can get back to loving life again?

Had you been lecturing or pontificating about "growth" or the importance thereof at any time?

[JayFL]

Originally Posted by Angela

Hi, JayFL, welcome! So glad to have you here.

It's interesting that after she was repeatedly abusive to you, you pleaded with her to be with you. It sounds like although she (and you, too) fell quickly into that blind, first blush love thing (four months is a really pretty short time to be talking about marriage and babies, don't you think, especially when you're experiencing red flags), still she was pretty honest with you when she gathered her awareness. It sounds like you both knew it wasn't the right partnership, and it was pretty generous of her to let you go with honesty once she got a grip, such as it is.

So, what exactly has you being angry? Will you look a little deeper and ask yourself for the inner truth of: what am I holding on to that I don't need? What could I be generating that would make a difference? Whatever it is you find yourself craving from her that it makes you upset she didn't provide it, are you willing to generate it yourself?

Since you've gone through this before, my guess is that once you tell yourself the truth about your anger, you'll have a lot of power and presence to generate a loving, long-term mutually beneficial relationship with the right person. What do you think?

That is exactly what I've had a hard time getting a grasp on...what exactly am I so angry about? I decided at the beginning that I wasn't going to hold back in this relationship and give it my all. I admit in that process that I gave up all of my power to this person. I think a big part of my anger is that I was willing to put the work into this to make it a healthy relationship and the other person was just not willing. She even made the statement that she was just plain lazy when it came down to it.

I've gone back and tried to talk to her several times just to relive that deep pain of rejection and feed that fire again and again.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by JayFL

That is exactly what I've had a hard time getting a grasp on...what exactly am I so angry about? I decided at the beginning that I wasn't going to hold back in this relationship and give it my all. I admit in that process that I gave up all of my power to this person.

How about trying on for size: all this ongoing anger.. it's anger at yourself. You deciding you're going to give it you're all doesn't mean that she owes you giving it her all. In fact, she doesn't owe you anything at all, and there's nothing you can do to change that or her. It's a pretty powerless and infuriating stance to take that others *should* do what you want them to do because you want them to do it. That's a recipe for no freedom in a relationship, and no wonder it's leaving you feeling unsatisfied.

How about trying on: she is making the best choices she can in her life, and so are you. If you can accept that, you're on your way to forgiveness, to generating freedom and therefore love, and to being powerful in relationships.

It may be hard, though, because *shoulds* don't want to die!

[JayFL]

Originally Posted by vapourmile

Had you been lecturing or pontificating about "growth" or the importance thereof at any time?

I did bring up several times that I wanted to share the aspect of personal growth together. I thought she had a sincere interest based on books she had already read. When I suggested we start doing more productive things on the weekend other than drinking and recovering from drinking...that's when it went downhill quickly.

[JayFL]

Originally Posted by Angela

How about trying on for size: all this ongoing anger.. it's anger at yourself. You deciding you're going to give it you're all doesn't mean that she owes you giving it her all. In fact, she doesn't owe you anything at all, and there's nothing you can do to change that or her. It's a pretty powerless and infuriating stance to take that others *should* do what you want them to do because you want them to do it. That's a recipe for no freedom in a relationship, and no wonder it's leaving you feeling unsatisfied.

How about trying on: she is making the best choices she can in her life, and so are you. If you can accept that, you're on your way to forgiveness, to generating freedom and therefore love, and to being powerful in relationships.

It may be hard, though, because *shoulds* don't want to die!

I agree very much. This is very much anger at myself. I've just let it eat away at me so much that it's destroying my life. I admit this is all in my power to change..I'm just having a hard time making the right choices to make my life better. I just feel stuck....

[Angela]

Well, how do you feel about granting her (and you) the freedom to be exactly who you are and exactly who you are not? Including giving yourself permission to really dive into your anger, to feel it rather than resisting it, to trust it to give you the right message?

How do you feel about deliberately thinking thoughts that have you feeling just a little bit better.... and get you on an upward spiral. I don't know what that will be for you, but how about: "I found in this relationship that I have tremendous capacity for love and commitment. Although Brunhilda wasn't in the same place, that doesn't diminish my love and my power. We're both doing the best we can, and I'm building the power now to generate a really loving long-term mutually beneficial relationship (LLTMBR) with the right woman, when the time comes. I'm preparing myself to be the best possible partner for a woman who is preparing herself right now to be the best possible partner for me. I'm looking forward to meeting her and sharing a life filled with growth, love and freedom, and I trust that we'll meet at exactly the right time of readiness for us both."

...... or something.

[blueberry]

if you're last couple relationships have been very similar, particularly in an abusive and emotionally unavailable way, I highly recommend taking a good hard long look at your past, your upbringing, and your relationship patterns.

I know that lesson very well and I'm still learning it. when we repeat the same kinds of unhealthy relationships over and over and repeatedly fall in love with the wrong kind of people, there is an unhealthy part of ourselves unconsciously guiding our decisions and attractions because of our past.

we attract emotionally unavailable and unhealthy people because we are emotionally unavailable and unhealthy ourselves. it's the only kind of relationship that's familiar to us so it feels "right". until we understand our emotional baggage, the patterns will continue.

if this sounds like it applies to you, here's some links I found useful.

Choosing Intimate Partners: To Repeat or Not to Repeat? < an article written by somebody who posts here. very insightful.
Abundant Spirituality + codependency recovery + inner child healing = Joy2MeU

[wellbeing]

Welcome, Jay, and congratulations on your decision to let go of this anger.

As I was reading your posts, your comment about trying to talk to this woman after the break-up flashed a question in my mind. I wondered if part of this continuing anger was a way to stay in relationship with this woman. If this the case, Angela's (excellent) suggestions should prove doubly helpful.

Hope this helps.

(@Angela--I love reading your posts; they have such a gentle clarity to them.)

[JayFL]

Originally Posted by Angela

Well, how do you feel about granting her (and you) the freedom to be exactly who you are and exactly who you are not? Including giving yourself permission to really dive into your anger, to feel it rather than resisting it, to trust it to give you the right message?

How do you feel about deliberately thinking thoughts that have you feeling just a little bit better.... and get you on an upward spiral. I don't know what that will be for you, but how about: "I found in this relationship that I have tremendous capacity for love and commitment. Although Brunhilda wasn't in the same place, that doesn't diminish my love and my power. We're both doing the best we can, and I'm building the power now to generate a really loving long-term mutually beneficial relationship (LLTMBR) with the right woman, when the time comes. I'm preparing myself to be the best possible partner for a woman who is preparing herself right now to be the best possible partner for me. I'm looking forward to meeting her and sharing a life filled with growth, love and freedom, and I trust that we'll meet at exactly the right time of readiness for us both."

...... or something.

Wow! Thanks everyone for the great responses so far.

Angela, you just made a huge light bulb flash in my head. There's allot of truth coming from what you said.

I have become so focused on getting over this relationship that all my spiritual and personal growth has been geared towards that. What was was wrong with me? Why do I have such strong fears of abandonment? What did my parents do in my youth to make me this way? I quit going to therapy for that very reason. It felt like we were digging up things that yes may have some relevance to my feelings, but it seemed counterproductive to just focus on what was wrong with me.

It's time to shift that focus to working on myself again to prepare for the right partner and life that I want. That's where I was before I met her and making steady progress...maybe even a bit arrogant in my growth. Sometimes it seems the universe just has to slap you down a bit to remind you how human we really are.

Wellbeing, you've also touched on something huge. Having this anger and making contact has kept a part of this dysfunctional relationship alive...kinda twisted.

Why the heck have I waited so long to post here?

[JayFL]

Originally Posted by blueberry

if you're last couple relationships have been very similar, particularly in an abusive and emotionally unavailable way, I highly recommend taking a good hard long look at your past, your upbringing, and your relationship patterns.

I know that lesson very well and I'm still learning it. when we repeat the same kinds of unhealthy relationships over and over and repeatedly fall in love with the wrong kind of people, there is an unhealthy part of ourselves unconsciously guiding our decisions and attractions because of our past.

we attract emotionally unavailable and unhealthy people because we are emotionally unavailable and unhealthy ourselves. it's the only kind of relationship that's familiar to us so it feels "right". until we understand our emotional baggage, the patterns will continue.

if this sounds like it applies to you, here's some links I found useful.

Choosing Intimate Partners: To Repeat or Not to Repeat? < an article written by somebody who posts here. very insightful.
Abundant Spirituality + codependency recovery + inner child healing = Joy2MeU

I have delved into the co-dependency material...and yes, it's kinda scary how some of my patterns are familiar.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by JayFL

Why the heck have I waited so long to post here?

It's the perfect time, don't you think?


(Wellbeing, thank you very much!)