Mental Illness...

[Chado2423]

Okay, so now I am officially diagnosed with a mental illness. But what does that mean? I know, the old story, it has never changed. My life with depression has been well... depressingly painful. Mostly painful because those around me don't understand it. Indeed I don't understand it myself. How does one describe the food one is tasting for the first time to someone who has never tasted it either? They can't uunderstand my experience, because they aren't in the same experience. It's only illogical to assume otherwise. All I can say is this , my depression, is well painful; emotionally exhaustive, and yes there is some physical pain; but as I said in another thread; i'd gladly take physical pain over this mental illness any day. This mental illness that has consumed me, am I really mentally ill? Either way, mentally ill or not; I am not recieving the right treatment. I know by the results. The medicine is only temporary, and it takes 4 to 8 weeks to work, so they say. They don't seem to understand what I try to explain, I must get better... even a slight improvement would be a miracle... or I must get worse so that they'll finally see the help I truly need (though I don't wish for that.) The progress must begin now, I fear, or I'll fall apart more so than I have already done, and be in a worsened condition. If I truly do have a severe mental health issue, then I need the proper care. But how does do that with no income? How does one do that, when the people around are either in denial, or don't know?

Official Diagnoses: ADHD Moderate (though I know otherwise... I just hide it well ) Depression Severe; Anxiety Disorder Moderate (Though I know otherwise witht his one too.) I'm not speaking of institutionalization. But can I use LOA to create proper care for me, so that I can get back on my feet? Can I use LOA to make my symptoms decrease? Or do I just learn to live with it?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Have you looked at the DIY LoA experiment thread? I think the exercises might help. Maybe a more experienced practitioner can tell you for sure.

[wolfgang]

Try really hard to not take any of the drugs they are telling you to take. But work with the doctors on this. Tell them you want to do behavior modification therapy and don't want to take drugs. If your particular doctor is insistent on drugs and doesn't know what alternatives are available, tell him (or her) that you want alternatives and insist on a referral to a more holistic doctor - or a combo of less drugs and cognitive/ behavioral therapy.

I am partially thinking this "disorder" is failure of society to provide an environment that is not completely distracting and kids are getting diaged and given toxic drugs by the industry trying to sell drugs. Unplug you electronics and listen to nature more. Find ways to not let the instant world of communication pull you all over the place - including watching TV by surfing. Stick to one thing at a time. Take up a sport. Or martial art or yoga or tai chi. Go fishing. Eat better. Medication-Free Therapies Proven Successful in ADHD Treatment

[Cran]

I'd strongly advise not to take a stance "no drugs at all, no matter what the cost". Prescription drugs can be a help in combination with other forms of therapy (behavior modification ot other forms - depends on the causes of illness, too). Especially as ADHD is nothe only problem.
Try out what works for you, not what an agenda promotes. If drug-free works - great. If not - better take meds than suffer.
Some depression are even.. hm, does endogen translate? (In medical german, this means: No cause in a trauma or life circumstances but caused by bodily disfunctions).

YOU choose your treatment. YOU decide if you need treatment. If you suffer, seek treatment. If you know that you're different from others but somehow like it despite some degree of suffering - don't seek treatment. "Normal" is just a point of view

Unfortunately, I have no idea about the payment options you might have (German health insurance covers antidepressants, therapy etc. for everybody), but if you're not able to pay at all, perhaps there is a self-help group available to you, or a office where you can get advice on your options?

[Joukai]

My advice is to never, and I repeat, never use a mental disorder as a crutch.

Through all of my short life I've dealed with people that suffered from bipolar disorder, to schizofrenia and whatnot. A pattern that emerges is that people accept that they are sick and start accepting their state.

"I am very, very sad. It is OK because I have a disorder."
"It's OK to scream and shout because I'm not normal."
"It's OK to waste my life because I have clinical history."
"It's OK to wallow in self pity because my body is conditioned to do so."

Never think like this.

More than the name of a disease, more than a bunch of pills, more than some rotulated ill individual, you are a strong person. That's the bottom line. Remember it.

Best wishes, Chado.

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by Joukai

My advice is to never, and I repeat, never use a mental disorder as a crutch.

Through all of my short life I've dealed with people that suffered from bipolar disorder, to schizofrenia and whatnot. A pattern that emerges is that people accept that they are sick and start accepting their state.

"I am very, very sad. It is OK because I have a disorder."
"It's OK to scream and shout because I'm not normal."
"It's OK to waste my life because I have clinical history."
"It's OK to wallow in self pity because my body is conditioned to do so."

Never think like this.

More than the name of a disease, more than a bunch of pills, more than some rotulated ill individual, you are a strong person. That's the bottom line. Remember it.

Best wishes, Chado.

I don't think I use it as a crutch. At least I would hope not. But who's to tell? Though there are days I don't want to leave the house, but usually I do, just so I can look for employment. As far as clinical stuff goes... its new to me in my life. I think some sort of acceptance of the state is necessary if one wants help with it, so I'm not really sure where you are going with that? I used to deny this; but I developed outward symptoms, such as involuntary ticks, and vocalization. I must stress the word involuntary. But I've gained some control of them, because I really worked hard to. Living with this is hard work. I don't wish anybody to go through this. But I've got no choice, since it came upon me, or it was there all along... just hiding until the right thing triggered it. Either way, I've got to deal with it now. Therapy is too far off. I have to wait another week. I just hope I make it through this week.

WOLFGANG: I wish it was just ADHD that I deal with. ADHD is nothing compared to the Anxiety thing.

[Joukai]

I feel you, man.

I understand you have no control over your own body and, sometimes, your own mind. But don't let that deter you. Accept what you are, but don't let that limit you.

There is still happiness for you.
There is still hope.

Countless people have triumphed despite the limitations their own body imposed. No; countless people have triumphed BECAUSE their own body imposed limitations.

When the dark gets darker, the strong get stronger.

[Rockchick26]

When i was visiting Hollywood last year,there was a museum there,i forget what it was called,it was right on Sunset Strip. But they showed us a video about mental illness. It went back to the beginning of "mental illness" like in Hitler's time. They pretty much told people who were depressed that they had a mental illness and convinced them to take medicine for it. The medicine may work (maybe) but there are always side affects,and then youre forced to stay on them forever! Basically,there is no such thing as mental illness,the psychiatrists and drug companies make money off people who are simply depressed. And nowadays,our food affects our brain and they say "oh you have ADHD" or any number of new "diseases" they made up. Everyone should see that movie,but as far as I know,it's only being shown at that museum.

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

I don't think I use it as a crutch. At least I would hope not. But who's to tell? Though there are days I don't want to leave the house, but usually I do, just so I can look for employment. As far as clinical stuff goes... its new to me in my life. I think some sort of acceptance of the state is necessary if one wants help with it, so I'm not really sure where you are going with that? I used to deny this; but I developed outward symptoms, such as involuntary ticks, and vocalization. I must stress the word involuntary. But I've gained some control of them, because I really worked hard to. Living with this is hard work. I don't wish anybody to go through this. But I've got no choice, since it came upon me, or it was there all along... just hiding until the right thing triggered it. Either way, I've got to deal with it now. Therapy is too far off. I have to wait another week. I just hope I make it through this week.

WOLFGANG: I wish it was just ADHD that I deal with. ADHD is nothing compared to the Anxiety thing.

Oh, I was going with the ADHD as something to look at. I see now that they say you have depression mostly and an then to a lesser extent anxiety.

Official Diagnoses: ADHD Moderate (though I know otherwise... I just hide it well ) Depression Severe; Anxiety Disorder Moderate (Though I know otherwise witht his one too.)

Still, I would suggest throwing the kitchen sink at it! exercise and eat right to start. do the doctors tell you to do that? or just say take this pill? The ADHD stuff can be helped with behavior mod work. the depression might be side effects to not feeling effective with the adhd running. depressions is after all a suppression of feelings. anxiety might be out of the adhd stuff to - since there's a feeling of not being in control when one is jumping all over the place. When not supressing and being depressed you are probably having anxiety, which is an energy level thing. either your depressed about it (low energy) or have some energy and feel anxiety. keep in mind I'm not doctor. I'm just replying in an internet forum. just make sure they aren't just shuffling you out of the doctor's office and making a profit by pushing pills on you.

[torilink]

The problem with being "Diagnosed" with a mental illness or a physical disease is that for many people - it becomes a definition of who they are.

You are not your diagnosis - you are experiencing depression & anxiety. Try always to differentiate between what you are experiencing and what/who you are.

If you believe medication will benefit you - then take it, but I would find a very good therapist to work with and discuss your inner dialog.

Depression IMHO stems from a strong negative concept of the self and a misidentification of self. You say you are depressed. I say you are having depressing thoughts which cause you to feel depressed - but these are both independent of who you are.

If you can find someone to assist you in changing the thoughts you are having (negative thought cycles), then the feelings caused by those thoughts will change.

I went to therapy in my late teens & early twenties because I was suffering from anorexia - the work I did with the therapist centered on my belief systems, my inner dialog, and changing the habit of negative self talk. Wow - it was an amazing journey that changed my life.

If you ever need someone to talk to about your self talk & belief systems - PM me, I am not a doctor or therapist, but I am here & willing to listen and help in any way possible.

[evelynlim]

I agree with many of the replies here. A diagnosis does not define who you are. In many cases, it is just a label. I can say this because my daugther got diagnosed with autism, which is supposed to be incurable, but I've found out that she is NOT. My husband and I approached it from the perspective that she is highlighting that she needed help in certain areas and we did the best we could, addressing those target areas.

With mental illnesses, it is also possible to help yourself from depression. Negative thought is only a thought and a thought can be changed.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Chad, I just wanted to add that in addition to whatever meds or therapies your doctors utilize, you might want to really look into what good nutrition and exercise can do. Start slow if you are fatigued and down, but do it. Start with eliminating caffiene and sugar. Take a walk at a slow pace out in nature. Begin to eat more fruits and vegetables and less meat and white carbs. Add yoga or strength training. Look into the information on ADHD and how it can be triggered by food additives and allergies. There are a lot of simple things you can do yourself to boost what the doctors can do for you, many of which they never mention or advocate. If you really want to "get better" you will need to be proactive. I know it's hard when you are depressed! But like I said, start small. Change one thing every week -- week one: trade other drinks out for water and begin walking every day outside; week two: cut back on sugar; week three: add fruits and veggies; week four: add some more vigorous exercise or strength training; etc.

[Chado2423]

Right now I don't have a job. and just getting myself out of the house is a chore. I feel like I have to force myself almost as though I were taking care of a whole other person.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Force yourself then. Do it. If you were in fact taking care of another person, wouldn't you give it your best?

Maybe the small start is 1) get out of bed 2) get showered and dressed -- and you do it every day for a week. Then you make a commitment to take a walk every day. You force yourself to do it. If you keep doing what you've always done, you keep getting what you've always got. If you aren't willing to force yourself to make the changes you need for yourself then I don't know why you are posting at all. Understand, many, many people who are trying to give you advice here have been in your shoes. It's not as if I don't know it's excruciatingly hard. But it's all up to you. You just have to do it, one bit at a time.

Getting a job would be a start. I think you have waaaaay too much time on your hands to mull over things. Get a job that requires you to be physical.

A chore might be something you don't feel like doing, but it's not impossible. You can do it if you decide to.

[torilink]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

Right now I don't have a job. and just getting myself out of the house is a chore. I feel like I have to force myself almost as though I were taking care of a whole other person.

yes, it does feel that way - and in a way your on spot. The egoic mind which has all of these thoughts rising, negative thoughts, thoughts of being tired, or being depressed and on and on - it is a weight on your true self, holding you down, holding you back from life.

All of the pointers you've gotten from this post have some great merit - eating right, getting up and moving even when your mind is filled with thoughts of not wanting to do anything, moving your body, breathing fresh air - all great.

but also watch your thoughts - thoughts cause feelings - focus your thoughts on positive things - any positive thing you can.

it is warm today
the sun is shining
I can walk
I can see
I can hear
I am breathing

keep adding to the list and replace all of the negative self talk with more positive self talk -

and find a good therapist to talk with.

[Chado2423]

Eventually maybe I'll be better.

[Joukai]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

Eventually maybe I'll be better.

Say with me.

"I WILL BE BETTER."

[jonarmis]

Chado2423,

I think watching this video will help you, see it here:
Self Improvement Lounge - Register for Free Access

I hope it helps!

Best,
JA

[Sunnybayes]

mmm Chado... maybe I don't know what I'm getting into... and maybe you don't even have enough energy to read to the end of this but...

I second what everyone says about exercise. Are you exercising? And by exercising I mean just normal movement. Like walking around like shopping or something. Like in the ancient times where you have to at least move around a bit for the better part of the day for a living. Like gardening. Doesn't have to be lifting weights or put on your shorts to go running. Can just be walking around the neighborhood.

Not having a minimal amount of movement will keep you depressed even if you have the happiest thoughts in the world.

I know I'm not clinically depressed, though I have natural states of being blue and lazy as heck just as everyone else does. And I've found that is always some combination of these things:

-Not drinking enough water.
-Forget to eat breakfast, and then eat a good meal to fill me up... for the next hours or so I'm just totally knocked out. The energy it takes to digest the food sucks out all the energy away from my brain so it makes me temporarily blue/depressed

Not moving. Another post about minimal movement
Not having variety.
Having too much sleep. Apparently over 8 hours is correlated with a higher mortality rate.

Yes, letting my thoughts go loose and having too many negative thoughts.

Being lonely. I know you used to be in love with your ex girlfriend... man this might seem nuts, but I'd learn how to pickup women. Why? Because you would have to be moving about, you'd have a strong goal of learning how to find someone you can love again... the subjective feeling of being close to people boost your immune system and gives you a cognitive boost, being lonely kills it...(from personal experience) you'd get minimal amount of movement depending on the places you go to.

But you can have immediate relief from being lonely... this will seem absolutely nuts, but it physically helps me concentrate better after I've look at some picture of cute faces for about 10-20 minutes... Like I might be frustrated about something and things just seem horrible. I first have to realize that I'm in that state and then I look through these pictures of my cute friends. At first it doesn't seem like it does anything to me. But then stick with it for 10 minutes and it calms you down. And it gives your mind a chance to focus its thoughts so that you can plan things out and move forward. It me gives a cognitive boost. It lowers my anxiety. I feel silly for sharing this, but here's my collection of pretty faces that helps me out (i'm not in any of those). I have so many just for variety...

What I typically do is when I found myself stressed out and feeling bad and like crap, then I look at those picture for 20 minutes. It makes me feel better, less lonely and during that time I imagine myself getting up and going outside. Then I have energy to just go outside and walk around. While I'm walking around then I'm able to focus and get motivation to do other things and escape my black hole room and avoid becoming blue from purely physical effects.

But anyway its a combination of all those factors... positive thinking is one of those factors, but if the other ones are off, like not getting enough basic movement and being lonely, then it will cause you to have negative thoughts and makes it harder to have positive ones.

And no I'm not a doctor of course... all this from my personal experience...

[Chado2423]

A Little Depression Story...

(Part one)

Chad A. Fisher


By the way... anything herein is not meant to make the reader feel depressed or to experience "the blues", or gather the same feelings the author expresses.
Disclamatory Remarks: It is of this author's personal experience that mental illnesses are misunderstood by some and at times may have a certain stigma attached to them. It is with caution that this be written. First and foremost, the stigma by certain groups and/or individuals cannot be erased, or eased if the illnesses are not explained. Secondarily, although more information may be held, and more people of mental illness may speak out this does not guarantee that the new information will not also be treated in the same way as the former by certain groups and/or individuals. Based on personal experience, friends with mental illnesses, and also a film entitled "Deep In Depression" by Lionhead movies production as seen on Youtube. (Direct Quotations from an untitled poem by Amed Hanan have also been used.)


One day a gentalman on the street passes a stranger. With a quick glance the gentalman says "Have a nice day?" But the stranger says nothing. The stranger shelters himself and seems a bit perplexingly sheltered from the gentalman's remarks, almost as though the gentelman had said something rude. "I can't be cordial to this guy... besides, the mentally ill doesn't go out to the store to buy milk for fear of retribution from society for existing. Yet one must get his daily needs from someone somewhere." The feelings inside the stranger burst with anxious energy "Should I say something like '**** off' to the guy? I mean he doesn't know what I'm going through. I haven't had a nice day in years." A quick half smile and the emotions consume the poor lad with barely enough gusto to make it to the store. "Chin up" "Proper smile." The words from childhood haunt him as he paves his way, feeling almost as though he were invisible or dead already; like a dead man walking. Yes he knows those proper phrases were meant to be social teachings that were just supposed be well... dammit, he couldn't be like everyone else; he was imperfect, and now he knows it more than ever... "Can't they see that?" He wonders. "Can't people see that I'm different." Though it is sunlight, and people greet him as though he were one of the normals, he could not help but consider himself anything but normal. "But depression is just a phase" he ponders... "it should fade away tonight after I rest... No, it hasn't faded and its been years of pills...." "medication and therapy and you'll feel better in four to eight weeks"... he laughs to himself and thinks, as he smokes. Without the cigarette he wonders if he'd even make it to the store. He hasn't been out of his apartment in a whole week, and he fears another deep onset of depression bouts are soon to enslew him like a tidal wave. He rushes past another gentalman standing at the door, and looks around inside the store. "Too many people." he thinks whispering this a few times nervously to himself. He twitches. His shoulder rises and his head bobs a little. "No I can't do this." "Yes I can. I can do this." "Just make my way to the scan and pays." Not wanting to deal with human interaction, he decides to use modern technology for his payment method. His face begins to feel numb, and blood rushes to his forehead. He feels it, but supresses it. "You'll have to wait untill I get home." He mumbles out loud to his symptom. "Was that too loud? Did people hear me? Why am I talking out loud to myself in public? After all he doesn't want anyone to think he's gone mad. He makes his way to the milk. Hands shaking, palms sweating. If the medication worked he wouldn't be shaking, right? He shouldn't be shaking. "Medication they say..."
At home sitting in a chair waiting, thoughts come up... waiting for his mother to come home. Yet another person who has been tragically stigmatized by society. Yet, it isn't her fault. And he still loves his mother, though she doesn't understand what is going on with her son at the present moment. His thoughts overwhelm him, and he wishes nothing more than they would stop. Thoughts, and thoughts rising to the sky, filling up the room. He wonders if his thoughts were turned into spiders biting him.... he might actually feel better, strangely. "There are times that I want to break down and cry" He writes "even though I know not why" "Its a letter, no its a poem, I'm going to explain this to my friends at school... no I'm not. I don't even know why I'm writing this, no one will like it." He continues writing..."It makes me feel rotten and bad, because I don't know what makes me so sad. I don't know the reason to this sadness." He steps up... places a do not disturb sign on his bedroom door handle, so his mother won't bother him. He wants to finish writing. "What's the point in writing?" He thinks. "No one cares, no one understands." "I have tried to ignore the pain. But my effort has gone in vain." He lays down, exhausted from his trip to the store. "That was hard work" he praises himself. To others a simple task. To himself, quite a burden." He falls asleep, but is quite restless through the night. He wakes up with less energy than the day before. His mother has left for work, and he is without a job... "yet another thing to be depressed about" he thinks. "Back to your writing... you got to write damn fool. Back to your poem. "This pain is driving me restless..." a good line he thinks from the nights of uneasiness that have enfolded him into a slave to their torment... "I am feeling..." "what word?" "helpless" "What should I do now?" He paces the floor. He contemplates suicide. "This sadness won't leave me."I wish to end this immediately" he writes. The poem not rhyming, he doesn't care. "But how?" "Why can't someone tell me how?" He has finsihed writing for the night.

[Chado2423]

I feel like there is no point in living if I can't turn things in my life around.