I wasted/regret 3 darn years of my college life being a nerd, with no friends

[lightthecandle]

I have no real friends, no social life, no hobbies...just nothing. I'll be finishing up my third year in college...and I've been hiding in my books and acting like a complete nerd for three years just to get into med school..now that I decided not to pursue medicine, I'll be graduating in 5 years, so I have 2 more years of college left. and I feel like a complete and utter social mess. why haven't I had the confidence to go out there and meet people?! why didn't I just go out with friends and have a good time for once, and act crazy? why haven't I gone to even ONE college party??!! (my university is known for its crazy parties). I have no guy friends, bc I'm terrified to talk to them. and I'm sick of this. I'm sick of myself..acting like I'm the scared little 15 year old I used to be. and this day forward i SWEAR to myself to get out there, start meeting people, and not be afraid to talk to them simply because I think I'm not darn pretty enough. bc you know what? being pretty is not the only way to be happy in life!!! sorry, for the rant, I'm just so sick and tired of my shy, introverted ways...this is absolutely not a way to LIVE life.

any advice?

[Diamond]

are you a boy or a girl? I feel your man, I was having the same problem and I had to force myself so hard just to get out. will graduate soon but I'm still a bloody virgin.

[Spartan]

Don't worry, you don't need loads of friends, and most parties are pretty boring in my experience! All they usually involve is a load of people standing around drinking, really it's not that fun!

I would suggest finding some hobbies that you like though, everyone needs some escapism. It's important to balance your studies with other activities.

Doesn't matter if you are shy or unconfident when talking to guys, really, they will probably be flattered and feel endeared towards you. They will be grateful that they don't have to try and hide their anxieties.

Start being kinder to yourself, becuase you really don't deserve the hard time or pressure that you're giving yourself.

[Acting Like Godot]

I agree with Spartan:

Originally Posted by Spartan

Don't worry, you don't need loads of friends, and most parties are pretty boring in my experience! All they usually involve is a load of people standing around drinking, really it's not that fun!

........ Start being kinder to yourself, becuase you really don't deserve the hard time or pressure that you're giving yourself.

Personally I find most parties to be a bore. I would rather meet up with one or two good friends at a time, for lunch or dinner.

[Rockchick26]

Just curious,how come you said you've never been to one party,but in your profile it says one of your interests is to party every week?

[Jennihul]

Bummer. It's good that you have moved on from that phase.

Parties for the sake of just partying are lame. It's about the people. Not the parties. You have to sincerely like people to enjoy parties with them. If you sincerely like people, they are more likely to like you...

Just a couple of helpful hints for your future new you.

Jennifer

[Stephen]

Originally Posted by Jennihul

Bummer. It's good that you have moved on from that phase.

Parties for the sake of just partying are lame. It's about the people. Not the parties. You have to sincerely like people to enjoy parties with them. If you sincerely like people, they are more likely to like you...

Just a couple of helpful hints for your future new you.

Jennifer

Dont know Jennifer. But at that age at Uni, going to parties, as long as you are careful you can have some serious casual sex and stuff, and at his age you are as well getting out there and having fun with othe rlike minded souls.

Its is the age of raging hormones and stamina. Why not?

[YourSelf]

Originally Posted by Stephen

Dont know Jennifer. But at that age at Uni, going to parties, as long as you are careful you can have some serious casual sex and stuff, and at his age you are as well getting out there and having fun with othe rlike minded souls.

Its is the age of raging hormones and stamina. Why not?

I disagree. That happens when you're at high school, the few years before entering university. I think I have passed that phase since long time.
University time is for calming the spirits thereafter and getting ready for real life.

However there might be some age differences... In Europe we go to university when we're 20/21 years old.

In the US/Australia you go to undergraduate universiy (college?) when you're 17 or 18 right?

Maybe age is the real factor here.

[Stephen]

Originally Posted by YourSelf

I disagree. That happens when you're at high school, the few years before entering university. I think I have passed that phase since long time.
University time is for calming the spirits thereafter and getting ready for real life.

However there might be some age differences... In Europe we go to university when we're 20/21 years old.

In the US/Australia you go to undergraduate universiy (college?) when you're 17 or 18 right?

Maybe age is the real factor here.

My background is the UK. Uni starts about 18 yrs of age.

[andyoyo]

Don't try to rid yourself of shyness. My shyness has been the most beautiful gift I have ever been given, it is a complete respect for another's personal space, time & thoughts, it is not the opposite of confidence. I know it might be aggravating sometimes & seems like it gets in the way of certain social situations, but they are usually the loud meaningless ones. Try to rid yourself of indifference & disconnectedness, then you will be open correctly to your social needs.

[YourSelf]

andyoyo, what exactly do you mean by complete respect?
Sometimes, as Stephen Hawking put it, "Mankind's greatest achievements have come about by talking, and its greatest failures by not talking."

What I mean is that if you have to say something, or you think it's right to say something, say it.

If you really like to talk to someone, talk.

[Jennihul]

I think shyness and respect are not necessarily from the same ball of wax. Shyness is a confidence dysfunction stemming from low self-esteem. People can be respectful and be in no way shy. Like the Dalai Lama. Very confident, very gregarious and very respectful.

Shyness is wondering if you are worthy to participate in some facet of humanity that others don't wonder about. Fear of being rejected if your inner truth--your lowliness--is discovered by others.

Jennifer

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by YourSelf

Sometimes, as Stephen Hawking put it, "Mankind's greatest achievements have come about by talking, and its greatest failures by not talking."

What I mean is that if you have to say something, or you think it's right to say something, say it.

If you really like to talk to someone, talk.

There is also another saying that goes "If God meant for us to speak more than listen,he would have given us two mouths and only one ear."

[YourSelf]

OK, but certain people don't communicate in either way - neither talk nor listen.

[andyoyo]

not to be off topic here, but conversations are so terribly limited and slow paced, they are more for if you need help with aspects in your life than anything. Confidence&shyness are so terribly misunderstood. They are not the opposite, its true nature is not about fear of rejection; that's a different kind of feeling, a fear of taking risks more than anything. Shyness is a kind of respect for anothers space, a quiet intelligence. When a beneficial conversation comes up this will alleviate.

[Spartan]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Just curious,how come you said you've never been to one party,but in your profile it says one of your interests is to party every week?

I feel lied to!

Plus from your profile it sounds like you have loads of interests!

Interests:
baseball, soccer, volleyball, partying once a week every week

So are you lying in this thread or in your profile?

[lightthecandle]

Originally Posted by Spartan

I feel lied to!

Plus from your profile it sounds like you have loads of interests!



So are you lying in this thread or in your profile?

sorry for the confusion..when I first started this account..i promised myself that I'd go out and be social and go to parties all the time since I never had the chance to in highschool. I thought that if I write things like that (esp in my profile), it will motivate me to actually go out and party and be social. for example, I have sports/running quotes in my aim profile, because it reminds me that I have to get out there and be active...even if I haven't been been active consistently for the past 3 months.

honestly, I just do these things to help me..but clearly it hasn't been. I have many pictures in my room of people in magazines partying and having a good time..so it could motivate me to get out there more. i have tons of quotes on my ceiling and wall, so when I wake up, I'd have the determination to get up and go to the gym and work out..but it hasn't been helping. i don't know what else to do

[YourSelf]

Ah damn If I were in Connecticut I would introduce you to some damn good people and parties.

Hmmm... have you already thought of this way motivating yourself:
Travel. Travel far, far, far, far away from home. With a friend, or to visit some friend who lives away from your city. And stay for 2-3 weeks.
Try to start whatever you want to start during the holiday. Perhaps it will give you new insight on what you really like and what you're actually capable of doing.

Often, routine things you see in your daily life influence your way of thinking.
If you do something non-routine, it might help you to overcome previous behavioral patterns.

[Little Deb]

There is hope for you. All my life I have struggled with "fitting in" as I am artistic,musical, enjoy astronomy, etc.. and most people I have met are not remotely interested in such "nerd stuff" as that. Currently, I am 43 years old. I didn't quite get to University, as in Canada we have to pay for it ourselves, and I could never get a job above minimum wage, so I had to chose SURVIVAL over an education. (And with all my "mighty brains" I still just didn't know how to plan a career path.) Anyway, when I was your age I also had severe social anxiety problems to the max. I always sat by myself during lunch when I was both a child and a teen. I never fit in with any group of people, espescially at the donut shops and other fastfood places where I have continued to work. My severe loneliness contributed to my experiencing a deep depression around 23 years of age. I then decided to see a therapist. (Unfortunately, he wasn't perfect. He actually asked my why I just didn't commit suicide, my being such a social misfit and all that. Jerk!) It was suggested that I join various groups where I would share a common interest with the members. Better to just be around people, than by myself every night watching TV. So, I first joined a theatre group. Yes, some of the actors, etc. were very snobby, but I made some aquaintances that have lasted for 20 years. (In fact I met my now late ex husband there, but that's a whole other story.) I also joined my local Camera Club a few years after that. Those people continue to be good pals. Five years ago (about the time my ex kicked me and hamster out) I decided to learn to play mandolin. There were no local teachers, so I taught myself through books and the Internet. Then I joined the local Bluegrass Club. Then I quit my Mom's boring Presbyterian church (chock full of snobs) , and joined the Gospel church right behind my apartment building. I went on a trip to Louisiana in 2006, jammed with some Blues musicians in Baton Rouge, and met a nicer boyfriend than my ex. (Yeah, its a long distance relationship, but hey, I met some friends. All by myself.) My point is be a "joiner". There are probably a variety of "nerd type" groups to look into where you will be apreciated for your intellect and originality.You may meet some jerks along the way, but you will also meet some nice people, too.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by lightthecandle

sorry for the confusion..when I first started this account..i promised myself that I'd go out and be social and go to parties all the time since I never had the chance to in highschool. I thought that if I write things like that (esp in my profile), it will motivate me to actually go out and party and be social. for example, I have sports/running quotes in my aim profile, because it reminds me that I have to get out there and be active...even if I haven't been been active consistently for the past 3 months.

honestly, I just do these things to help me..but clearly it hasn't been. I have many pictures in my room of people in magazines partying and having a good time..so it could motivate me to get out there more. i have tons of quotes on my ceiling and wall, so when I wake up, I'd have the determination to get up and go to the gym and work out..but it hasn't been helping. i don't know what else to do

Ahhh i see...the old law of attraction thing! Unfortunately,i dont think that alone will do it. You can wish and wish and wish to be at a party but unless you know somebody to invite you to one,and unless you physically make yourself get there,it won't happen.

I was thinking...maybe you are just trying to force yourself into a role you weren't meant to play. A lot of people wish they were partiers but they just ARENT,so when they try,they feel left out and look left out which leads to even more isolation. Like somebody else in here said,get involved with your interests and hobbies,at least you'll be in your element. Parties suck unless you are good friends with the people,or drunk,and it's stupid to get drunk just to fit in.

[Enrim]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I was thinking...maybe you are just trying to force yourself into a role you weren't meant to play. A lot of people wish they were partiers but they just ARENT,so when they try,they feel left out and look left out which leads to even more isolation. Like somebody else in here said,get involved with your interests and hobbies,at least you'll be in your element. Parties suck unless you are good friends with the people,or drunk,and it's stupid to get drunk just to fit in.

I very much identify. I tried to do the whole party thing when I was in college, and I just could never quite get it. What was supposed to be so fun about them and why everybody was so crazy about them? Getting involved in your own interests is the best way to go. It is also all about finding out who you are, what you like, what you want and what you need. Concentrate on yourself and your needs, not on what everybody else tells you what you should be. Party interest just seems to be one of those peer pressure induced things. Start taking care of yourself and loving yourself, start small, like go for a run at your convenient time and only for a few minutes or however long you feel comfortable with. Don't push yourself too hard, because if you do, you won't want to come back to it and do it again. Be gentle with yourself. If you don't like to run find something you like to do... I found that yoga is another amazing exercise both for your body and your mind. And if you did do something good for yourself, or if you overcame a challenge, even if it is something very small - take pride in it. Even if you fail, take pride in the fact that you tried it. I once heard a story of a woman who said that at one point of her life she had to take pride in making her bed. If she made her bed that day - she was proud of herself. She had to start small, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

When you will start to understand yourself better, you will know better what you want. It seems like I am completely off topic here, but I am saying everything based on my own experience. Going to a party is not going to fix everything, it didn't for me. Finding out what you need and what you want makes a huge difference though. Once you know what you are looking for it would be much easier to find it. So, for example I knew I've always wanted to dance, every time I would listen to the music I would imagine myself dancing (even though I felt very insecure about it), and I also wanted to meet new people, be more social. Get out there and live a little. So I decided to start taking dance classes. Once I started doing that I found out that they do dancing parties. I went to one and it turned out to be a ton of fun. I got to dance, I got to meet new people, I got to see other people dance, it was great.

So, why do you want to go to the parties so much? Did you ever ask yourself that question? Do you feel like if only you would go to that party it would make you happy?

[The David]

I have certain disabilities which make socialization extremely hard, yet it's something I need, so my social habits have been kind of cyclical. When I started college, I went crazy trying to meet everyone I could, but didn't really establish connections, so I kind of went back into myself. I started this past year being a little more moderate, but eventually withdrew out of habit. My plan for this next year is just to be a little more bold, seizing opportunities wherever I can, while keeping my personal life organized so I don't freak out and feel like I'm losing control. I'm going for real connections rather than some vague idea of a 'good social life'.

If self-confidence is your main problem, then boldness counts for quite a bit. If I were you (which I apparently am a little, judging only by what you've posted), I wouldn't put a lot of emphasis on the party life. If you get to go to parties, then great. If you don't, then there are other, probably more productive ways of meeting people and establishing connections. If you really are a 'nerd', as you say you are, then there's a chance you experience life differently and have different goals and interests. Embrace that and fit other people's lifestyles (and drinking habits) where you can, but don't lose what you actually are in the process. There is more to life than the college experience; otherwise, people would die at 25.

[jaydeschizo]

Originally Posted by YourSelf

I disagree. That happens when you're at high school, the few years before entering university. I think I have passed that phase since long time.
University time is for calming the spirits thereafter and getting ready for real life.

However there might be some age differences... In Europe we go to university when we're 20/21 years old.

In the US/Australia you go to undergraduate universiy (college?) when you're 17 or 18 right?

Maybe age is the real factor here.

Err... I'm in Europe, and Uni here starts at 17/18.

[Louise Gilbert]

Lightthecandle, it appears that you are going through a stage of working out who you are and who you are not. This is normal, and whilst you may think you are alone in going through this, you are not. You will be very surprised at what goes on behind closed doors, and inside the minds of other people. You will find that many people who you perceive are in the right place, are too, thinking 'where on earth should I be? I'm lost'.

You are observing other people based on your perception of what is considered 'normal' and 'acceptable' and perhaps thinking that you need to be 'over there' rather than 'here'. You don't. Ýour 'here' is the right place for you, and I suspect (no surprises here) that if I'm invited to 'here' at your place, I won't find a party, but something a little deeper and more genuine.

As an exercise of self-exploration, you can request a sample Numerology Personal Profile Report on my website Your Soul and Life Purpose Can Be Found using the sign-up box. It might help you a little on your journey.

[Lauxa]

Can you join a professional society? Maybe even an honors professional society since your grades are so high? Anyways, join something, and volunteer your time to the group, become an officer if you can. Clubs are always looking for a new sucker to offload some work onto. Although this may not be the best time of year for that, with summer coming, but then again, they may still be selecting officers for next year.

Why do you want to go out and party and act crazy? Is that something you really enjoy or do you just think you are supposed to enjoy that? Parties are more fun with people you already know and like, so try to develop some friendships based on mutual interests and the parties will follow.

Oh, and if you want to meet guys just wander over to the engineering/math side of campus where there is a 5:1 male:female ratio and the graduates will be well-compensated after graduation...

[z1freeride]

Originally Posted by lightthecandle

I have no real friends, no social life, no hobbies...just nothing. I'll be finishing up my third year in college...and I've been hiding in my books and acting like a complete nerd for three years just to get into med school..now that I decided not to pursue medicine, I'll be graduating in 5 years, so I have 2 more years of college left. and I feel like a complete and utter social mess. why haven't I had the confidence to go out there and meet people?! why didn't I just go out with friends and have a good time for once, and act crazy? why haven't I gone to even ONE college party??!! (my university is known for its crazy parties). I have no guy friends, bc I'm terrified to talk to them. and I'm sick of this. I'm sick of myself..acting like I'm the scared little 15 year old I used to be. and this day forward i SWEAR to myself to get out there, start meeting people, and not be afraid to talk to them simply because I think I'm not darn pretty enough. bc you know what? being pretty is not the only way to be happy in life!!! sorry, for the rant, I'm just so sick and tired of my shy, introverted ways...this is absolutely not a way to LIVE life.

any advice?

You're placing the responsibility of your happiness in other people's hands.

I was the same way. I learned that having a desire that can only be fulfilled by other people will often times lead to disappointment. So this is what I did:

Firstly, I decided to be responsible for my happiness. I would prefer having friends and being social but if I don't have any plans on a Saturday night, I'm going to do what I like to do (hobbies, movies, etc).

Secondly, I put myself in positions where I could interact with others. I moved in a student apartment and met some cool roommates. I found that one of the best ways to befriend someone is to laugh at their jokes. I still have a ways to go but I now feel in control of my life and am no longer depressed.