Emotional Blackmailer

[lovemymum]

Hello this is my first thread. I have a pressing question. I need help. Can anyone tell me why a person uses emotional blackmail? What are they thinking? What are the reasons behind this?

Thank you so much anyone who can help..

[The Cloud]

Because they want something, and they think that they can get it by making you feel bad for them feeling bad about not having it.

Most people see allowing emotional pain in a person as almost tantamount to causing physical pain. Fundamentally, this is a faulty belief because emotional pain is a direct result of individual beliefs, independent of direct influence by the actions of others. However, most people do not understand or accept this, and so they believe that they have a direct affect on the emotions of their peers. This gives their peers the opportunity to extort them by claiming that to do other than what the person desires would be to cause them pain.

Most people believe that causing harm to others is bad, and placing physical injury and emotional injury in the same category (under the assumption that both are directly caused from an external force), they give in to the demands in the interest of not causing emotional injury to the other party.

The defense against this is to realize that nobody has direct control over another's emotions, and that each person is responsible for their own feelings. If you cut somebody, they cannot avoid bleeding. However, if you yell at somebody, it is their decision what they feel about it. No amount of yelling can hurt somebody if they decide that your yelling is unimportant to them. It's not right to hurt others intentionally, but neither is it right that they dictate what constitutes "hurt."

[robertanthony]

The only power that anyone has over you is the power that you grant them.

Pain is the weapon of choice for an emotional blackmailer. If someone hurts you tell them. If they continue to hurt you then dump them as that's a toxic relationship. Unfortunately some parents/partners will use a little emotional blackmail with the ones they love so you have to measure the amount of pain. On a scale of one to ten and the frequency.

A short-term fix is NO RESPONCE/REACTION meaning you dont say or do anything when that behaviour is exhibited. Emotional blackmailers soon learn that they cant control you.

By not responding to the emotional blackmail they begin to realise that blackmail wont work or be rewarded.

[kenakari]

Like the others have said, emotional blackmail is about control and power over another person's feelings and actions. The blackmailer is so emotionally damaged/ insecure that they cannot accept rejection or disapproval in any form - their ego is too fragile. They're too selfish and focused on fulfilling their own physical or emotional wants to care how much they hurt someone as long as they get their way.

[Keith]

Originally Posted by lovemymum

Hello this is my first thread. I have a pressing question. I need help. Can anyone tell me why a person uses emotional blackmail? What are they thinking? What are the reasons behind this?

IMO it's generally not something the person is deliberately doing. It's a learnt pattern of behaviour that has served them well in the past so they keep doing it.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by lovemymum

Hello this is my first thread. I have a pressing question. I need help. Can anyone tell me why a person uses emotional blackmail? What are they thinking? What are the reasons behind this?

Thank you so much anyone who can help..

Hello lovemymum, first of all congratulations on your first thread

About emotional blackmailing, well from my experience they do it because they think they cannot get what they want any other way and they're afraid of a no. For instance because they feel weak, or needy, or unloveable, or ... Usually they're insecure and have low self-esteem. Like Keith said, this happens mostly subconscioulsy. They don't decide to do it, it's just something they've learned themselves from other blackmailers (for instance their family). It's just the only way they know to deal with other people.

Of course some people also do it fully consciously, with the aim to control and dominate you and to get what they want with no concern whatsoever for your emotional health. I don't know what's the case for you.

The question is not so much why do they do it, it's more how can you defend yourself against it or how can you stop doing it yourself? Emotional blackmailing is harmful for both the blackmailer and the blackmailee.

[Jennihul]

We all know what emotional blackmail is and why it is used. The better question would be "why is it being used on me?"

Because you are meant to learn something from this experience. Or teach something. Or both.

Jennifer

[MidasGirl]

Originally Posted by lovemymum

Hello this is my first thread. I have a pressing question. I need help. Can anyone tell me why a person uses emotional blackmail? What are they thinking? What are the reasons behind this?

Thank you so much anyone who can help..

They are thinking they can get a response from you by doing so. Are they succeeding?

[elisabeth]

Have you read Susan Forward's "Emotional Blackmail"?

it's a great book, with excellent step-by-step examples on what to say and how to handle it, and also where it's coming from. I've found it very helpful when dealing with an emotional blackmailer in my past.