|04-16-2008, 10:19 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Apr 2008
I'm new here
This is my first post on this forum. I'm not really one for posting or blogging, I usually keep to myself. I came here because I am just feeling so depressed and I don't know what else to do. I have a decent amount of self discipline (though I used to have much more) but it has NEVER in my life seemed to make any difference. OK, maybe once. In middle school I was obese and I lost a lot of weight. I was 170 pounds and 5'2". Now I am 5'6" and 120. Even that depresses me because I was 110 for 2 years and I don't even know how I gained weight. That's really the least of my worries, just one more thing to add to the pile. No matter how hard I try to accomplish anything, there is ALWAYS a barrier. I am being sued by a landlord for ordinary wear and tear and the lawyers office is basically harassing me about it (constantly changing the court date and I don't live in that city anymore, being sarcastic and rude over the phone, accepting my settlement and then changing their minds). I can't get a job even though I am finishing up my third year of college and I have 2 years of management experience. I go to job interviews and middle aged men make me feel terrible about myself and then never call me back about the job, even when I walk in there confident and excited. I am doing alright financially, but I am always terrified. My husband makes $17,000 a year at a job that he hates and I take out student loans. My sister has been living with me for 6 months for free because her husband left her, and she thinks she is disabled and won't try to get a job. (she has depression and her husband let her not work or go to school or anything for 7 years, even though he would constantly complain about it to me and then ignore my advice.) No one in my family will help, they just tell me that if she won't pay bills then I should kick her out, but they won't talk to me about it. They think it is my problem. She also has a dog and 2 cats and the are not well behaved. I already had a dog and 2 cats that behaved pretty well, but much worse now since being with her animals. I can't just kick her out when she has nowhere to go. My husband is mad at me that I can't get her to do anything. His parents are mad at me, too. I have a big family and none of them really care about me. I am pretty much disowned for speaking up about being sexually abused by my father. The boys in my family hate me, and my mom and sisters just pretend that it didn't happen because it makes them uncomfortable. So the whole family hangs out except for me and the sister that lives with me. Oh, and my dad. My mom and sisters hate him, but they still won't tell my brothers to be any nicer to me. They just act like it doesn't matter. My whole family makes fun of me for being sensitive. None of my feelings or opinions matter, they even joke about it and all laugh at me. My brothers believed that I was abused for years, but then they finally found where my dad was living and now they live there rent free and he brides them with cars and music equipment, so all of a sudden I am a liar. My father physically abused my mom, me, and my sisters on a daily basis. He sexually abused me and one of my other sisters. He always spoiled my brothers and taught them that women were evil. I hate the town I live in, but I can't get into the school where I do want to live. I've been waiting for a reply to them but I really don't think I will get in. My GPA is only 3.33. I'm trying to study for the Graduation Review Exam, but I'm terrible at math. Everyone says if I try I will understand it, but I try so hard. Also, the Master's program at the school I'm in now has been put on hold, so it might not even be an option in the first place. I am of average intelligence and I have zero talent. Nothing makes me happy. I really want to die sometimes. I attempted suicide as a teenager, but I thought I was past that. I don't know anymore. I'm so unhappy. I don't even know why I'm posting this. I'm still pretty amazed by the concept of the internet (because I could never comprehend how it works, I'm not very smart at all), so maybe I just feel like I'm reaching out into some magical world where the right person will read this and I'll find someone just like me to talk to. That's all I can hope for anyway. I just want someone to understand me and stop telling me to try harder, while never acknowledging how hard I've been trying. ERRG! Sorry about the length of this post.
|04-17-2008, 01:23 AM||#3 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2006
I think you've come to the right place. People are very encouraging and supportive here.
I've read your post, and I agree, there seems to be a lot going on. Those circumstances can make for a very frustrating experience.
Lots of us are working through periods like these. I'm so glad that you're part of the forum now and can help others going through similar periods, as well as receive help form them.
|04-17-2008, 06:51 AM||#5 (permalink)|
Join Date: Mar 2007
I highly suggest you read Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth."
Oprah and Eckhart and doing a webinar together about the book (you do need a register, but it's free).
If you are ready to hear the book's message, your life will definitely change.
|04-17-2008, 07:27 AM||#6 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jul 2007
It sounds to me that you are depressed because you feel that there are a lot of forces acting on you that you have no control over. Your sister is living with you, and off of you. Your family has turned against you in favor of a man that abused you. Lawyers are harassing you for a crime you didn't commit.
When you look at all of these things from the stance that they are an attack on you, it seems terrible. You are beset on all sides by forces you can't control, with such overwhelming force that you can't possibly combat them all.
However, none of them are really trying to hurt you. They are trying to help themselves. It's not personal, it really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. They are simply facts of your life, forces of nature that you have no control over. You can fight them and be angry at them and hate them, but it won't do you any more good than being pissed at the rain. If you look at them as simple facts, rather than personal attacks, then you'll be able to face them in a much more objective manner.
I'm not saying this is easy. If it was you would already have done it. You obviously have an incredible ability to deal with adversity, simply to be doing the things you say you have done in the face of the things you say are opposing you. But if you can detach yourself from these attacks, see them for the storms they really are rather than as some horrible peoples' attempts to ruin your life, then they will become much easier to deal with. It is your emotional attachment to the situations that allows them to hurt you. If you detach your emotions from them, then no matter how many jobs you don't get or how much your family bugs you there is nothing they can do to hurt you. You may say that this is a heartless way to approach things, but if you can't accept it then you are always free to continue to hate your family and your landlord and your potential employers for making you miserable. It's your choice.
|04-18-2008, 11:30 AM||#7 (permalink)|
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: NEW ENGLAND!!!!!!!
Everybody so far has pretty much hit it on the head. So I will just encourage you to keep striving and give thanks on a daily basis for that which you do have that gives you strength and focus on that because it will grow. We are here for you. G
|04-18-2008, 12:11 PM||#8 (permalink)|
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Montana, USA
You have a lot going on, and because of that, it may be useful for you to look at what you can and can't control in your life. You cannot change your families opinions, prejudices, and patterns, but you can change your own.
Although you love your sister, you should not enable her behavior. You do have control over her and the animals being in your living space. You are not doing her any favors by allowing her to not work and earn her own way in the world! It doesn't sound as if she respects you much as she has been with you for 6 months already with no plans to get a job. Lay down some rules: tell her what you expect of her. Give her a timeline. Put it in writing, and stick to your guns if she doesn't follow through.
Set some bottom lines in your own life about what kind of behavior you will and won't accept from members of your family. Spend the majority of your time with people who offer you positive relationships.
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