jealousy is killing my marraige

[ladonna]

i've been married for going on 18 yrs. my husband is a great person, great husband and father. sometimes he's too great, and its hard for me to believe that he is doing things just to be nice. i've recently encountered a couple of messages from old friends of his (female) he feels he likes to keep in touch with all of his old friends, cause that is what they are, just friends. he went on a business trip and took out a couple of female friends from high school for drinks told me about it and expects me not to be upset. he told me if i were there, which i didnt want to go on this business trip, i would have gone out with them too. he has never given me any reason to doubt his friendships with these people, but its hard for me to get past it and quit obsessing over it. if he talks to women from his past, am i suppossed to ignore it and move on? my parents broke up after 30yrs of marraige because my dad was cheating on my mother. i need help getting over the constant accusing him of things he is not doing.

[Jennihul]

Jealousy means you don't love yourself.

Jennifer

[ladonna]

so...your're saying.....i need to love myself then my husband can talk to as many women as he wants and it will be o.k.? hmmmmm

[robertanthony]

Have you met these freinds. Do they send christmas cards, birthday messages. Do you know there names and what is going on in their lives. If you have been married 18 years I would expect that you would have heard about these people before? Both you and your husband should feel comfortable talking about these people. Actually I would expect an introduction.



It's understandable that you might be cautious as your father cheated on your mother.

Get really clear...is it insecurity on your part...or something to do with his behaviour or change in behaviour.

I caught a cheating partner out after reading this book.



Amazon.com: Never Be Lied to Again : How to Get the Truth in 5 Minutes or Less in Any Conversation or Situation: David J. Lieberman: Books

[ladonna]

I have not met these friends, I only found out about them through accessing his email. I confronted him about one of the emails, we got into a huge argument about me sneaking into his privacy, he told me how dare i compare him to my cheating father and that he doesnt deserve that. The other email, i havent confronted him about. I know he's not cheating or having an affair with any of them, cause he's home. I just cant get used to him talking on the internet with other women from his past. i think it is mainly my insecurities. The email suggested nothing other than it was nice to talk to him online, and she asked about me and our kids. He is more than willing to introduce them to me, they live 300 miles away in his hometown tho. He just keeps in touch via internet. I'm sure its an ego booster for him, he wants his old girlfriends to know he's doing well for himself now and not the wild party guy he was in the past. I know that for sure. Its just hard for me to share him with any other women. I just need help to get over it, quit letting those thoughts consume my every thought of the day. I need to quit sneaking into his internet and then i wouldnt get pissed off. We have a good marraige, I dont know what compells me to do these things, and I know if I keep it up, it will ruin my marraige. It seems its gotten worse for me lately for some reason. I guess, I'm just feeling insecure. Should I go to a shrink?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by ladonna

Its just hard for me to share him with any other women.

"Share" him? SHARE him?!?

[robertanthony]

He trust's you! Why not trust him too?... That's fair. He is not your father and should not suffer because of what your father did. From what you have said there seems to be no evidence that he's cheating.

Dont allow your fathers behaviour to affect your marriage! It's obvious that what your father has done has affected you. Dont let it affect your husband. Have some fun and let go of the fear. If your going through his pockets or emails snooping remind yourself that your only doing it because of what your father did.

I hope this message is helpful.

Rob

[mercuryrising]

Originally Posted by ladonna

i think it is mainly my insecurities.

I think you hit the nail on the head. This isn't about your husband or his old girlfriends. It's about your insecurities.

This is just my experience, but whenever I feel insecure, I am trying to control something that I cannot, which is everything except me. So I try even harder, because now I feel insecure... and my insecurity increases. I've destroyed more than a few great relationships with this kind of self-sabotage.

The answer is to let go.

How does one let go? Here it is in three steps:

1. I accept that someone else is in control: God or whatever you want to call it. It doesn't really matter who I think this Power is, just as long as it's not me. It could be an imaginary friend: as long as she is in charge of the universe, it's cool.

2. I'm grateful to this Power for giving me life and everything that comes with it. A lot of people talk about gratitude, probably because it works.

3. (this is the real kicker), I forgive everyone that has ever done me wrong. I forgive them even if I don't think they deserve it. To forgive literally means to give up. Resentment and anger takes up a lot of energy. It's like wearing a heavy pair of boots. You don't realize how heavy they are until you take them off.

I'm sure there are other ways. Those are just mine.

Thanks for bringing this up. I needed a reminder.

[MidasGirl]

Hi LaDonna, I have a relationship with my guy where we've decided to be brutally honest with one another. That means when something bothers us we don't try those passive aggressive things people do, we don't snoop around into email accounts or chats, we outrightly tell the other person, "what you are doing honestly bothers me, and here's why". I don't know what works for you, but I truly believe both parties have a responsibility to keep the other person feeling at ease with what's going on. Do you have any reason to suspect him? Either you are a jealous possessive low self esteem person, or you are picking up an honest bad vibe there.

Either way, you need to be as vulnerable as possible and ask for his help in this. And him saying, "I'm not doing anything, get over it" is not gonna cut it. Is it really worth the tension in a relationship to keep communicating with exes? They are exes for a reason. My guy keeps in touch with his exes and they have semi-close relationships, it does not bother me AT ALL. But then again, I know I've got him

[ogrekilleat]

Jealousy means you don't love yourself.

That's a bit of a sweeping statement. I tend to think emotions are slightly more complex than that.

[Stephen]

Originally Posted by Jennihul

Jealousy means you don't love yourself.

Jennifer

I disagree. 80)

It is a perfectly natural defence mechanism which is there to prevent you from being taken for a fool.

The trick is to be able to differentiate between jealosy and paranoia.

[Dharma]

There's two pieces of denial you have to keep in place to be jealous: separation and lack.

Separation meaning, there are 'others' out there who are not me. And lack, meaning, I will lose something... my lover, my status as his lover, my idea of what our relationship is; if x happens, I will experience some kind of loss.

Separation is a tough one to drop, because you either have to believe everyone is you or not. A belief in oneness means that that you look at these other women and say to yourself, oh, that's me interacting with my husband. They are no longer 'other people'. They are you. For some that's a big stretch and for others it might not be so hard.

The lack piece can be many things. You'll have to tell me what you fear losing. It probably has something to do with an imagined future event than with the present moment. It's hard to play with lack when you're fully present in the now.

The fear you feel is a warning sign that you're playing with a lot of denial. Think of fear as a signal from yourself that you are treading waaaay off the path and need to focus to get back on again. There is a feeling coming up inside you that makes you reach for the jealousy. You use the jealousy to hide something in your feeling body.

The next time it comes up, stop, and enter the feeling you're having fully and soften around it. Don't use your mind and label what you're feeling, just embrace whatever it is you feel. Then soften into that feeling and try to go deeper, and deeper. There's something underneath the contracted feeling of jealousy you're trying to avoid. See if you can feel what it is.

[Jennihul]

At it's essence, jealousy is a 100% destructive emotion. Not a defense mechanism, and it means you have a self-confidence problem/self-esteem problem.

The perfectly non-jealous person would say: "Hmmm... I see that my husband is chatting with people online. I wonder if he's having fun? Maybe I should try it..."

The jealous person says: "Hmmm...my husband is chatting with other women online. I wonder if I should worry that he doesn't love me or is sneaking around on me?"

The first one is about his happiness. The second is about her perceived worth as his wife.

Jealousy, and I have lived it, is not about him. It's about her and her own self-worth. Because if she loves herself totally and completely, she knows that the actions of another person cannot harm her. Their dysfunctions are separate from her. His ultimate choices may not contribute to her happiness, but they aren't a reflection of her worth as a person so she would never feel jealous.

Jennifer