Well, I've had a rough couple of years, between depression and selective mutism and just, stupid teenage stuff. But recently (tonight actually) I realized that I've become fairly used to being numb.
For example, whenever my best friend asks me whats wrong, (she knows everything about me) my response is always: "Nothing Really...i just" ect. ect. I can never really pin down a reason for why i become depressed or simply not in a great mood. But i think that maybe its because I just make myself numb. Sort of like i have gotten so tired of what i put myself through that i just stop myself from dealing with it.
I'm not really sure what I'm looking to get out of this, but any personal experience with emotional numbness, or moving beyond it, that you would like to share would be appreciated. And, any advice you have of course I'd like to hear. Thanks...I think.
What makes you happy and feel less numb? Do more of that.
Depression sucks I know!
If I may, I will suggest a book.
Numbness is purely a reaction to the pain that's in your life, it's a way your mind and body shield themselves from the destructive influence of pain. Unfortunately, as I think you've just realised, this also dims the light of happiness and love that you receive. Numbness shuts down all of your senses and emotions to protect you from anything that hurts, and the worse thing it does is diminish your experience of everything good there is in the world.
The only way past it is to accept the pain, the sorrow, the hurt and the many years of desolation. Also accept the love that's around you, from your parents and from your friends. Acceptance is a very hard thing to do first off, it almost seems like you want the pain, but that's not the case. Acceptance is a way of fully acknowledging and owning your emotions and thoughts. It's a way of saying "I know you are there, I feel you are there. I don't like it, but I'm okay with it, and it will pass."
The best way to practice it is, a few minutes a day, in a controlled space, like your bedroom, just open yourself up to your emotions and just be with them. Let them hang around and don't do anything with them. Don't think about them or act on them, just feel them, experience them, and them let them out. Allow yourself about 10-20 minutes at a time for this, probably about once a day. Then at the end you can shake off what's left, clear out your mind and go back to doing all the stuff you need to do. It's also a good idea to keep something nearby that's positive for you, like a picture of a loved one or friends, as this will help keep you grounded and balance out the negative emotions if you have been numb for a long long time.
The only reason to do this is because on the otherside of acceptance is the happiness and peace that you've been missing all these years. It might seem like you've just been protecting yourself from the pain, but you've also kept out the positive emotions of life, bringing a larger pain that's worse than any other pain there is.
The only thing I can say now is "Good luck." :)
You might try asking yourself what the specifics are in your life that have caused you to feel/react this way. Are they past- or future-oriented? If so, you might try meditation - a practice that can help you learn to orient yourself in the present moment and befriend your emotions.
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