Can't stop judging my friend... help

[regularposter]

Sorry for going anon. need some advice but dont want to link to real name.

A close friend of mine emigrateted last year after a couple of personally difficult years where I had helped him lots. He watned to start a new life out there.

He's now in trouble over there, and has asked me to do something morally and legaly wrong to help him get out of it. I have said no to him, because although the risk is very small to me, if it was found out I would be in a lot worse trouble than he is. However without this help, he could potenttially be unable to renew his visa which shatters his new life dreams.

I've explaned my reasons but he's now ignoring all my texts and emails.
I've heard from someone else that hes really scared about what's going to happen and can't think about anything else [bad LOA?]

On one hand I understand, he's frightened about his future.
On the other hand I'm so angry that he even asked me to do it in the first place, and how he asked me to.

I keep having conversations in my head where I yell at him how stupid he is and how annoyed I am for asking me. I just don't seem to be able to stop judging him which I know isn't good. My anger is geting in the way. I think part of the problem is the country and time distance which means we can't have a proper argument and sort it out. I worried that Im not helping by adding my anger to the problem.

How do I get over it. How do I stop judging?

[Angela]

You can grant him the freedom to make his own choices in life, as they are his to make.

Just like your choices are your own to make.

He is demanding that you trade your own well-being for his, and punishing you for not acquiescing to that. You call that a friend?

Your anger is there for a reason -- it has an important message it's trying to get through your skull. Listen.

[shesaboutspirit]

Great question! I'm processing something similar as well. What I've come up with so far is this...

The anger is there...it's energy and needs to move somehow. Yesterday, I was in one of those inner battles going over a situation with a friend in my mind and getting so worked up. Determined to do this in a healthier way...I decided to just go out and walk. More of a powerwalk...to really use that energy that is spinning around and stressing me out.

I set the intention to walk until something moved, cleared and resolved with all of this intense thinking/judging etc.

After about a mile...some thought came to mind about what the other person said...and it just released a huge wave of energy. For me it came out as laughter, but it's different for everyone. I guess I just suddenly saw some irony or something and it was excruciatingly funny at the time. Still, it moved the energy. I kept walking and allowing it to release...and just being with it. By the time I returned, my mind was more peaceful and I felt much better.

I believe the build up of the energy is what keeps us from seeing our best choices. Most likely...we all know what to do to help ourselves and resolve issues once the energy successfully moves.

Also...in my opinion, most of our judging is toward ourselves anyway. I wonder if you can consider forgiving yourself for any previous choices toward your friend that you may be judging yourself for?

You sound very healthy to me...actually

Peace!

[agnostic]

Well, it's okay to be angry if he has asked you something outrageous that could get you into a lot of trouble. You have every right to be angry at this. However, you understood correctly that you are disturbing yourself with it. So, I guess the thing that makes you angry is YOUR BELIEF that he shouldn't have done this, that he's bad for having done this, etc. Switch from this absolutistic belief to something more subtle (and reasonable) like: I don't like what he did, but he did it anyway. This was a bad action (one single bad action) but it doesn't render the entire person bad, which is an overgeneralization. It is the absolutism in your demand that makes you angry, not his behavior.

[Alison Jenkins]

It seems you are feeling very responsible for what happens to him. You need to do what is right for you and you do know that. He is frightened and desperate by the sounds of it. When the situation sorts out and the emotions have settled down he will see why you made the decison to do the right thing.

Have you tried writing about your anger in a journal. I won't rehash an article I've written about how journalling helps emotions but here is the link if you want to read it Feelings

Alison