Overcoming self-image problems

[ashkeller]

My girlfriend has a lot of self image issues (mainly appearance) primarily caused by the way her mother used to put her down a lot when she was younger. If she says something like, "I look like ****." What do I say? No you don't? I've been trying to help her work through some of these issues but I am having trouble with getting her to realize the need to "shift" her mindset towards how she thinks about herself...how do you help someone else view themselves differently and not so destructively?

any advice?

[Enrim]

Based on my own experience, it helps when someone is being supportive. It is not up to you to change her, but you can make sure to repeat how beautiful she is over and over again. Someone told me once that if you repeat something often enough you (or she in this case) might start beleiving it.

[ken nubo]

She has to give herself more reference view.

Meaning ... when she was a kid, her mom put her down. She feels like **** because she got crappy reference views when she was a kid.

Sounds like she needs to get more validation by more guys and perhaps by her mother.

[colbycheeze]

I've been reading the book "A New Earth" and watching the online webcasts on oprah.com and can say that that has helped me a lot with some good "AHA!" moments. After reading your post I think that totally rings a bell with some of the stuff they were talking about on the show. You should definitely go download and watch the webcasts even if you don't read the book you will be like WOW! Good stuff. Try it out!

[jimo]

One of the ways in which we can transform what we don't want into what we want is to stop focussing on what you don't want and start focussing on what you want.

Right now your girfriend has some issues and you're having a problem with it because you think its not good for her. But the fact of the matter is that you cannot change her or make her like herself more.

Its like parents and children. I have tried changing my children and didn't get it done. Its only when you accept the other person as they are. When we stop focussing on whats wrong and on whats right , the wrong becomes the right, all by itself.

So I suggest you totally ignore what's been bothering you and start focussing on your girlfriends postitve points. She must have postive points otherwise you wouldn't have dated her. Have fun like nothings the matter and before you now it she'll turn into the girl you've always wanted. Full of confidence and with a good self image.

Hope this helps

[Revolution]

It is a defense to the ego. She doesn't want to lose face.
But she needs to learn the power of words. Don't indulge her too much.

[bellemeadows]

I would just tell her, whenever the occasion arises, that to me, you are georgeous, and always will be. Then leave it at that.

When you love someone, they are georgeous or beautiful to you. No matter how they look.

Blessings from Belle,

[Angela]

Yeah, when someone has a negative self-image, it's impossible for them to "hear" a compliment or really absorb it, because her little old-pain gremlin is vigilant about defending that negative image and deflecting anything that might interfere with it.

One way you can interrupt the pattern is to cut straight through the crap and tell her how this negative self-talk impacts YOU: "Look, Brunhilda, it's easy for me to see how beautiful you are, and how blind you are to your own immense beauty. Imagine how painful it is for me to hear someone (you) denigrating and insulting someone I love so much (you) and reinforcing bad feelings in her. It hurts me a lot when you refuse to accept a compliment from me, or when you say something negative about my best friend. When you do that, I hear you insulting my taste!"

Sometimes people find it hard to see the price they charge other people with their way of being, and when they finally do see it, it's a bit of a wake-up call.

[kpugh]

I'd echo the refrains of giving support and acceptance to her. Not accepting that she has these self-views, and trying to change them, is just more-of-the-same from her perspective. It's just another message to her that something with her is not right, and it allows her to keep focusing on it.

Counter-messages can be powerful, if they are both authentic and consistent.

[Angela]

For the record, Kevin, I'm not advocating trying to change her views. Rather, a self-absorbed, negative self-view can leave the people around you feeling at the effect of a person who is very "woe-is-my-body", and the entire pattern of interaction can be interrupted by one person talking straight.

That might not change the woe-er, but it can open her eyes to the idea that she can woe all she likes, but being stuck is not going to be a good thing for relationship -- with herself or with others.

I am not a fan of coddling.

[SeanFu]

Give her compliments, and keep giving her compliments every now and then. Of course don't over do it because it may seem forced or fake, but since that's a matter of personal perspective of what over doing it is, it's hard to gauge that. Make her feel good, and perhaps later she'll not think about the negative comments that she's had in the past.

A mindset that's been engrained in a person for a long time can be a incredibly hard thing to get rid of. It's sort of like an addiction in my eye's, a person does something for so long and then quits, yet whenever a person hears or sees something in relation to that past addiction, it may spike again.

On another note, sort of off topic I guess in a way.. that's one reason why I dislike media. People go to stores and see beautiful people on posters, magazine covers, tv commercials, and etc. People go home and watch some tv and see beautiful people on tv. The list goes on, and on, and on. Pop in your movie with your favorite star, and co-starring is yet another beautiful person. The more a person isn't like those beautiful people that are shown everywhere, the more a person may think negative thoughts about his/her own self-image. This comes from power of the "beautiful people & sex" sells mentality, through companies and shows making more money having beautiful people, it in turn is damaging people's views concerning themselves and feelings of inadequacy are on the rise.

The only solution that I can come up with, is to try to have a person accept themselves for who they are. That's not entirely original, but seeing beautiful people left and right isn't going to go away any time soon, as harsh as that may sound.

[verbors]

Make "you're beautiful" your greeting kinda of things. When you say goodbye you could go: Love ya and you're beautiful. Or add that to the end of your messages.

You can't really force her to see herself beautiful but you can worm the messages into her subconscious. She need to realize and fight against that negative self-image.