Social Phobia

[Zobra Buddha]

Hi there!

I'm a 20 year old woman.
I'm trying to overcome a social phobia.Iwould appreaciate if I could get some insight, techniques, anything I can do/think about that might help.

When I am around people I keep suspecting that I am boring, dull, draining others, that i am disliked and unvalued. I feel all tense even around family and friends. There is a desperation to plase others, but the more I try this, the more unnatural I become and the more I dislike myself.

I can't connect to people. When i am in public i loose my center, I tune out, can't focus or pay attention to anything, and I panic. I feel so hopeless and afraid that I want out.

I have wonderful friends. I admire all of them. They are so accepting, encouraging and loving. They really support me. Last might I was invited to my friend's birthday. Rameet (the girl I admire more then anyone) told me she is inviting me because I'm her favorite girl. It was very touching to hear this. But I still feel/suspect that even my friends don't like me and I need to change. Sometimes the feeling is so intense that I panic even around friends. (and my friends are so awesome, they still accept and keep encouraging me, i don't understand why, i always feel that once they see my weak side, thy will no longer what to hang out with me.)

And a few days ago a guy told me that he is love with me. He called me a Goddess and that I make him feel like a little kid full of wonder. I love him back even more.
But I don't understand why I still feel the need to be so perfect and why I still have this fear. It is so irrational. Even when I am with him, I catch myself suspecting that I am disliked, rejected.

[Fullcrum]

Hey, I'll try to help!

SHORT TERM (while out or something):

You see all the stuff and stimulation going on around you, then something makes you think about your anxiety or whatever. Slow down. Take one or maybe a few deep breaths, just like 4 secs in, 4 secs out. And stop the mental chatter. This is one thing you can do. It works like a charm.

Another thing you can do: When out, it is usually your anticipated responses that people give you, unless you're talking to someone with a pretty high level of consciousness/emotional stability. Instead ofr anticipating everyone rejecting you, anticipate acceptance. In fact, anticipate everyone giving your props, saying hi, doing whatever. Think about what you want. What do you want? You may not know now: that's because you're not in the context. When you, you can think "What do I expect of the people around me? How do I expect them to act?" And expect positivity. And that's usually what you'll get back. And if you don't, it's their issue and not yours.

The two most important things I would say are these: Be in the moment, and anticipate acceptance.

LONG TERM:

On a daily basis, you move towards a mindset of peace, abundance, and a whole load of fun. You don't have to get there now, though with some people this happens. But always be moving towards what you know you can become. This means that EVERY DAY, when coming home or whatever, just take like 2 minutes or 5 minutes to think "Did I put myself on the line? Did I have fun? Am I generally moving towards the direction I want, of expecting the best from people? What can I do better? I'M STILL HERE!" REalize everyday that is does not matter what people think of you. You're still alive. Isn't that true?

Don't sweat this stuff! It's all in your head, and it's cool that you realize it. So change what's in your head. Move towards the ideal everyday. Hope this helps.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by Zobra Buddha

Hi there!

I'm a 20 year old woman.
I'm trying to overcome a social phobia.Iwould appreaciate if I could get some insight, techniques, anything I can do/think about that might help.

When I am around people I keep suspecting that I am boring, dull, draining others, that i am disliked and unvalued. I feel all tense even around family and friends. There is a desperation to plase others, but the more I try this, the more unnatural I become and the more I dislike myself.

I can't connect to people. When i am in public i loose my center, I tune out, can't focus or pay attention to anything, and I panic. I feel so hopeless and afraid that I want out.

I have wonderful friends. I admire all of them. They are so accepting, encouraging and loving. They really support me. Last might I was invited to my friend's birthday. Rameet (the girl I admire more then anyone) told me she is inviting me because I'm her favorite girl. It was very touching to hear this. But I still feel/suspect that even my friends don't like me and I need to change. Sometimes the feeling is so intense that I panic even around friends. (and my friends are so awesome, they still accept and keep encouraging me, i don't understand why, i always feel that once they see my weak side, thy will no longer what to hang out with me.)

And a few days ago a guy told me that he is love with me. He called me a Goddess and that I make him feel like a little kid full of wonder. I love him back even more.
But I don't understand why I still feel the need to be so perfect and why I still have this fear. It is so irrational. Even when I am with him, I catch myself suspecting that I am disliked, rejected.

Oh, I hear you very loudly and really do understand. We have the belief that people don't like us, that we're not good enough, and that thought makes our lives very traumatic.

I have a recommendation for you: have a read of "I Need Your Love" by Byron Katie. Do the Work on that belief. I've had amazing results with it. Another book you might like to try is "Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach. Just hearing that what you're experiencing is extremely common is a release.

Good luck!

[Zobra Buddha]

thank you guys!

i can say that what I am already doing about this is meditating..

i will read the recommended books.

I've also listened to Steve Pavlina's broadcast - "overcoming fear." It was wonderful.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by Zobra Buddha

When I am around people I keep suspecting that I am boring, dull, draining others, that i am disliked and unvalued. ..... There is a desperation to please others, but the more I try this, the more unnatural I become and the more I dislike myself.

Hi Zobra,

Your situation is one of not loving and accepting yourself. No matter how positively others react to you, you will never appreciate it until you Love Yourself or Develop A Healthy Self-Concept.

[ken nubo]

Zobra,

Hmm for me personally, it's about having a not-care laid back personality. I don't care too much about what the person thinks of me or actively try to make a good impression. Goes back to the old adage, "be yourself".

[Freelancer]

I'll add another viewpoint as well, since I'm coming from a similar mindset as you I can relate to how it feels.

The realization that helped me most is incredibly simple yet profound.
You see who do you like to be around the most?
I'm going to give you two options in this case, one is my former self and the other is my current self.

The Fearfull Kid:
- Scared to speak
- Rarely interacts with other people
- Always tries to satisfy other people (for the other people this feels weird and icky, strange and repulsive even)
- Never truly at ease
- Rarely smiles or jokes arounds. Mostly busy thinking what other people are thinking about him.

What most people experience in the presence of such a person is a repulsive feeling. Because these type of people (and I used to be one of them) don't think very highly of themselves, they don't believe they are valuable just because they are alive, in return everybody treats them in a similar manner. That was my first realization.
Everybody reacts to you in accordance to how you feel about yourself.

The Open Fun Man (or Kid according to some )
- Always having fun
- Not a care in the world
- A constant undercurrent of positivity
- Always a smile on his face
- Comfortable where he is

Around this guy (or women) people can relax and also be themselves. (s)he brings great value into social interactions. Its such a great gift to allow other people to relax in your presence. They can finally drop there gaurd.
The thing is, the way you feel spreads through a group. So if you feel bad about yourself, other people will feel bad in return no matter how much you will try to please them (in fact this is counterproductive). On the other hand if you feel GREAT then the other people will feel there spirits lifting up.
Thats the second realization, the way you feel spreads through a group like a wildfire.

So in order to make other people happy all you have to do is be happy yourself.
Thats it.

So simple of a solution:
Be happy.
Let me pummel this into your head:
Be Happy.
Again, now with a sledgehammer:
Be Happy!
And now in the moment:
BE HAPPY !!



So how can you go about implementing this? Its a rather stark change from inside your head towards just having fun.
The suggestions fullcrum gave should already help you in the right direction, being in the moment and anticipating acceptance are both very helpfull.

What helped me the most is the ability to laugh at my fear.
Every time I felt a tinge of nervousness come up, inside I go:
Oh you silly goat, wtf is this?
And I automatically start smiling.

Do this when your alone, in company or on the street.

People love somebody who can put a smile on there face.
Don't worry about 'what will people think when I smile', trust me they will enjoy it and view it as a positive improvement.

Now go out there and laugh at yourself.
After all this fear is just a fake mirage spun in front of your eyes, its really quite funny !

[Angela]

Zobra, there is a session of the Landmark Forum coming up in Toronto at the end of April. Take a look.

I completely and utterly transformed myself in the exact area you're talking about by participating in the Forum and the second weekend event called the Advanced Course. I highly, highly recommend it to you.