Can't seem to get over my ex

[windywendy]

My ex boyfriend and I broke up about 4 years ago. I was 19 when I met him and we were together for about 6 years. Although our relationship was far from perfect, I am still really stuck in the past. I've dated other people since, but it was never the same. I feel as though I had a glimpse of happiness and without him in my life, I am just a ball of misery. Everything reminds me of him.. the smell of flowers and barbeques are even too painful for me because they take me back. I don't know what's wrong with me... dating other people is even more depressing because it reinfornces the fact that there is nobody else out there for me. I am extremely picky, and in my mind, he was perfect for me. He wants nothing to do with me now, which is the worst part of it all. At the time of our relationship, I took him for granted. Without him I still feel incomplete as a person, all this time later. I have no idea where to go from here, but I feel very sad, constantly. Is there any way to end this useless suffering and be happy again?

[Pegasus]

Originally Posted by windywendy

Without him I still feel incomplete as a person, all this time later.

Herein lies the problem. You need to feel wholly complete WITHOUT a guy. Once you are living a life you love ("LALYL"), you will attract the right person into your life.

..

[Lucy]

Read "How to mend a broken heart" by Paul McKenna. It is a really well presented book with lots of exercises to help you get your mind back into the place it should be (happy).

I could try to summarise it here but I won't do it justice. Read it and use the techniques over the following days and weeks. You'll notice a massive difference.

[robc]

Originally Posted by windywendy

My ex boyfriend and I broke up about 4 years ago. I was 19 when I met him and we were together for about 6 years. Although our relationship was far from perfect, I am still really stuck in the past. I've dated other people since, but it was never the same. I feel as though I had a glimpse of happiness and without him in my life, I am just a ball of misery. Everything reminds me of him.. the smell of flowers and barbeques are even too painful for me because they take me back. I don't know what's wrong with me... dating other people is even more depressing because it reinfornces the fact that there is nobody else out there for me. I am extremely picky, and in my mind, he was perfect for me. He wants nothing to do with me now, which is the worst part of it all. At the time of our relationship, I took him for granted. Without him I still feel incomplete as a person, all this time later. I have no idea where to go from here, but I feel very sad, constantly. Is there any way to end this useless suffering and be happy again?

Breaking up is difficult especially if you really love the other person and those feelings persist after the break up. Do you mind letting us know why he wants nothing to do with you? Let us know if you can. Remember it's an online forum, we're not here to judge you especially at a site which is all about personal development.

One thing I will say, you need to connect with the person inside you that used to be someone your ex or anyone else for that matter was attracted to. Take care of yourself, feel good about yourself, do the things that pump up your self-esteem and make you happy. Before you can be happy with anyone else, you need to be happy as an individual first and that's something alot of people have problems with in a relationship. Improve your diet, begin to exercise - doing these things start the process of making you feel better: something about spending an hour or two everyday (or as often as you can) at a gym or performing some type of exercise activity at home (or at a park) will make you feel better, learn to work up a sweat, increase your heart rate & pulse, literally to wake up your body but by doing it to yourself in a positive way: it really is very effective!!! Another thing to do, retail therapy! It doesn't have to be expensive, buy a new shirt, or a pair of jeans, or maybe a new belt, or how about a new pair of shoes, earrings, etc. (or maybe all of the above ) It really does work. You have to get into the habit and set up a pattern of taking care of yourself, once you start doing it regularly, you or more specifically your brain will just continue the pattern just like any other thing you've learned and you will just perform it unconsciously, it's just part of things you do everyday to make you feel better because feeling good about yourself inside & out is a good thing. It isn't being selfish or conceit to take care of yourself, don't let anyone tell you different. Another important part of feeling good is spending time with your family & friends and other people who recognize you're a great person and promote the idea of you feeling good about yourself. Also learn about how to give to others, see positive things in life and in other people, don't focus on the negative which only brings more negative into your life, make a list of things that you are grateful for which make you happy: read this list to yourself everyday to start every day in a positive way, get yourself into a positive state of mind and proper alignment, learn to start attracting positive & good things in life by being that way, positive & good.

Once you become the kind of person who feels good about yourself, once you become happy with yourself and know that it's important to take care of yourself everyday for the rest of your life, you will become the kind of person who is attractive to alot more people than you originally were and you will attract better people into your circle of life, people that add to you and how special you are. Who knows, maybe your ex might take interest in you once they see this transformation. But don't do it because of that: do it because taking care of yourself is the right thing to do.

You are the only person who gets to live in your body, shouldn't your experiences in life be good and make you feel good?

[windywendy]

Originally Posted by robc

Breaking up is difficult especially if you really love the other person and those feelings persist after the break up. Do you mind letting us know why he wants nothing to do with you? Let us know if you can. Remember it's an online forum, we're not here to judge you especially at a site which is all about personal development.

One thing I will say, you need to connect with the person inside you that used to be someone your ex or anyone else for that matter was attracted to. Take care of yourself, feel good about yourself, do the things that pump up your self-esteem and make you happy. Before you can be happy with anyone else, you need to be happy as an individual first and that's something alot of people have problems with in a relationship. Improve your diet, begin to exercise - doing these things start the process of making you feel better: something about spending an hour or two everyday (or as often as you can) at a gym or performing some type of exercise activity at home (or at a park) will make you feel better, learn to work up a sweat, increase your heart rate & pulse, literally to wake up your body but by doing it to yourself in a positive way: it really is very effective!!! Another thing to do, retail therapy! It doesn't have to be expensive, buy a new shirt, or a pair of jeans, or maybe a new belt, or how about a new pair of shoes, earrings, etc. (or maybe all of the above ) It really does work. You have to get into the habit and set up a pattern of taking care of yourself, once you start doing it regularly, you or more specifically your brain will just continue the pattern just like any other thing you've learned and you will just perform it unconsciously, it's just part of things you do everyday to make you feel better because feeling good about yourself inside & out is a good thing. It isn't being selfish or conceit to take care of yourself, don't let anyone tell you different. Another important part of feeling good is spending time with your family & friends and other people who recognize you're a great person and promote the idea of you feeling good about yourself. Also learn about how to give to others, see positive things in life and in other people, don't focus on the negative which only brings more negative into your life, make a list of things that you are grateful for which make you happy: read this list to yourself everyday to start every day in a positive way, get yourself into a positive state of mind and proper alignment, learn to start attracting positive & good things in life by being that way, positive & good.

Once you become the kind of person who feels good about yourself, once you become happy with yourself and know that it's important to take care of yourself everyday for the rest of your life, you will become the kind of person who is attractive to alot more people than you originally were and you will attract better people into your circle of life, people that add to you and how special you are. Who knows, maybe your ex might take interest in you once they see this transformation. But don't do it because of that: do it because taking care of yourself is the right thing to do.

You are the only person who gets to live in your body, shouldn't your experiences in life be good and make you feel good?

Thank you for the replies. To answer your question: He won't speak to me because he's simply moved on. I am a remnant of the distant past, and he doesn't feel the same way that I do. I feel as though I still have a deep connection to him, as though he is my life line. I know, it's really screwed up. I try and think of what makes me feel good, and honestly, i've lost touch with it. Everything in my life has been so superficial: shopping, all these efforts to look a certain way, etc etc, I don't know what is real or what I genuinely enjoy after years and years of pursuing all that which is so false.

I don't know where these issues came from. I do think men tend to move on a lot quicker than women, and they have so many more advantages.

I try and think positive thoughts. I've done EFT. I went to a shrink. I feel as though, however, my default state of being is depressed. It's horrible. I would do anything to change this. Nobody knows how I truly feel... I walk around pretending as though my life is great because I don't want to be debbie downer. You never know what people are truly doing through.

I love this forum... i always feel hopeful after reading the posts. So thank you for the replies.

[TylerDurdan]

I really feel your pain, I'm in the same boat. But its only been a year since my breakup, but still everyday I see her in faces on the street. Right now I am dating someone else, but its not the same. I feel like I'm cheating her because she is falling for me, but I feel so jagged that I can't really open up to her the way I should. I find myself not as into her as she is to me, but I keep hoping that I come around because I don’t want her to feel like I felt. Today for some reason, is hard for me. I'm thinking about her a lot and wonder what she's up too, we have no way of contact or any mutual friends, completely cold turkey since the breakup. Which I feel is good and bad. Good because I still think if I would see her, I’m not sure I could do it without breaking down after in sadness, bad because that little light that I want to badly to get back together is still in my heart. I wonder if she still lives in Chicago or not, if she’s happy or wishes she could change things. I hear everyone telling us to get out there and do things that make us happy. Well, I do. I'm in great physical shape, have the self confidence (or at least appears that way) to be great in any situation, live a really great life that allows me to do things often, but I still go home and get sad at what I had. It is true that money and possessions aren’t all that’s important in life. Today I was reading a friends email about how she got engaged and how happy she was. I think that is what has spurred this inside of me. Anyway, as I'm reading this a major part of me is like, wow I wish I could have had that with her, but a small part of me is, well she's happy now until the relationship goes to the can. Do you ever get this too? Maybe our parents generation was the last to make a relationship actually work? When was the last time you talked to him?

[uberinquisitive]

You broke up 4 years ago. Four years ago. It's only normal that your ex-bf has moved on. The fact that you still feel this way, after such a long time, is indicative of a deeper issue.

You feel "incomplete" without him. You met him when you were very young, and you made him a part of your identity. It could have been any guy - anyone who could "fill" you up.

You were with him for 6 years - that's a huge chunk of time for a young person. It's easy to confuse "love" with "need." You need him because he served a practical function: to help you define yourself.

When the relationship ended, your identity had a hole. So, it's not LOVE that binds you to him. You just assigned him a section of your identity, and now there is a void.

If you try to look for replacement to fill that void - it's not going to happen. That hole you feel in you, YOU need to fill it YOURSELF sooner or later. I know, sucks to grow up!

Don't look for salvation in another man. I've been down that road, and it doesn't work. Don't think getting your ex back will work, either. Nope. You have to do it the hard, long way. By yourself.

[bellemeadows]

I downloaded the ebook from brokenheartedgirl.com, and it helped me move on, when I just couldn't seem to do it. Actually, I did a lot of things to move on.

The thing is, right now your life is on hold. So my advice is get a therapist, work with the self-help materials on abandonment, work out (hard, physically) every day, do things for yourself that nurture you; do anything that will get you out of your circular thoughts about abandonment, and back into the now.

Those who feel this deep abandonment when lovers leave and move on, usually were abandoned in their childhood, and the 'in love' state is like the love they had for a parent who they either actually or metaphorically lost. A parent cannot be replaced in a child's mind; and this is what causes one to fixate on a lost love.

I've sworn off being in love -- so I can find the real love. Real love isn't so attachment-based. Real love makes you feel good, and it is more about you then about the other person. It is love, not 'in love'. Much different.

You know what you've got if you stay where you are. If you want something different you must swear off this lonely wanting state. There is nothing more unattractive than neediness. If you fall in love with yourself; you will open the space to love others without losing your sense of you.

There is life afterwards. But you must invest the same energy you now invest in yearning, into loving and tending to yourself. You may not know how to do that, I didn't. But if you set your intention, the universe will help you in this quest for freedom; this quest for real love.

You are worth much more. Right now you are throwing your life away on a dream; and dreams are just that, dreams, images in your head. Life will be so much richer when you allow yourself to actually live it.

I want more for you; I've been there, and it is not a fun place to be. Again, there is life after 'in love'. Thank God for that -- you probably can't relate right now, but one day you will, and you will be sooooo thankful.

Blessings from Belle, who is sad for every moment you lose tending to that dream in your head instead of loving yourself and enjoying your life

[steve0617]

I too had a problem getting over an ex. Turns out I was feeling abandoned and didn't know it.

Go buy The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life and pay attention to the exercises at the end of each chapter. They can really help you understand WHY you just can't seem to get away from this guy emotionally.

[bellemeadows]

On Lucy's advice, I purchased the book "How to mend a broken heart" by Paul McKenna. I have to second her suggest for that book. While many books help you get to the 'whys', this books looks to be the quickest path to moving on that I've ever seen. . . . and it is kind and gentle on that path.

Blessings from Belle,

[CecileK]

My ex left me two and a half years ago for an OW at his work. We met when I was 19 too and dated for 6 years before getting married and then we were married for 4 years. I would have never believed anyone if they said that my husband would leave me. I loved and trusted him completely, but nothing is guaranteed. Now, I've had time to heal somewhat and I am definitely doing all the things everyone says I should be doing to take care of myself. I go to the gym 6 days a week, have taken up every hobby from knitting to kayaking, I'm even going to Europe for 12 days next month. I'm also not lacking in getting interest from men who want to date me, but time and time again, I can't get past a 2nd or 3rd date because they instantly do something to annoy or irritate me. This last one got the boot because he was 15 minutes late and at that point everything he did was pointless. I've also dumped people just cause of a comment that bothered me or because one was paying too much attention and trying to impress me too much. I continue to compare men to my ex and look back on our time together with rose colored glasses while I can definitely recognize that he was no saint. I also have the problem of thinking there's something wrong with someone if they are interested in me because why would they want me when my ex left me. Everyone keeps telling me that in time these feelings will pass and that when I meet the right person I won't be so quick to cut them off at the knees, but it's hard to keep hoping and believing that this feeling will go away. So I understand what you're going through completely. I also try to not be a Debbie Downer amongst friends, but when I'm home and alone these thoughts definitely creep up and keep me company.