Please help me understand my painful reality.

[blueberry]

I'm in a situation where I have isolated myself from everybody but my boyfriend who I live with far away from where I came from. I'm facing spiritual and emotional dilemmas right now and I don't have anybody I can trust to talk to.

My boyfriend thinks I'm nuckin futs for the ways I feel and act but I can't help but feel like our relationship is unhealthy in sinister ways that I feel guilty to even think about. On one hand,

I can't even trust my perception without having doubts go one way or another. Whenever I've brought up anything like this with my boyfriend he feels accused and becomes emotionally unavailable. When I feel horrible, he doesn't comfort me and is cold and piercing in his demeanor. Again and again, I've felt like he doesn't really love me or he would reach out and feel for me when I'm in an emotional place but I always get the message that my negative feelings are not welcome.

The result of our long term relationship is that we've both been saying that it's all in my head and I'm making things up and in order for things to be good between us, I need to stop being so silly. He just is the way he is and he shows that he loves me with everything that he does. Even if I don't ever feel sympathy or empathy from him, he loves me in his own way genuinely and in having these feelings, I am wronging him deeply and if I loved him, I would realize just how much he really does love me. The way he likes to explain his lack of empathy is, "I'm not you." It's as if the mark of his love is his willingness to put up with me and all of the problems I create between us.

I can't stop feeling like he's a different person than the one who always lures me back here..

Whenever I'm deeply upset, he becomes frustrated and impatient with me. It's almost as if he feels offended. when I've been in a more hopeful and positive state with him, he's said that he acts that way because it's not the person that he loves who is upset and he feels inconvenienced.

it is true that I've been able to believe that I want to be here and in those positive states, I'm happy to take responsibility for our lives.

I've read and I've read but I don't know what to believe. This article and some other information sources scare me because they sound familiar and I know that I'm a vulnerable woman. But my sense of reality feels so shaky as if I've been brainwashed and I'm in a daze. There is doubt surrounding everything about my relationship with him and my choices.

My boyfriend says he wants to help me if only I would actually just listen to him. I can't buy into that because I know that I need to help myself and I can't trust anybody to be able to figure my life out for me. Especially somebody I'm in this kind of relationship with.

Nonetheless, it seems my boyfriend always knows everything and has all of the answers. He's of the opinion that the way my head works is set up to be flawed and my negative emotions are a nuisance and they way I take them seriously is my error.

I'm coming to terms with my past lately and I see parallels between the way my parents treated me and the way things are for me here. I'm isolated from the world and I'm sacrificing my real self in order to do this. This creates another layer of guilt because if I were handling myself correctly, I really would want to do this and thrive in this potentially perfect relationship.

I know I've been stuck in black and white thinking because my main reason for being with my boyfriend has been "but/because.... he loves me." kind of magical thinking. because of my codependent nature, I feel like leaving him is not an option. I feel like I need to stay here because it's for the higher good. It's been hard for me to actually be able to objectively look at his behavior as well, because I have been the scapegoat for all of our relationship problems. He's admitted some faults but real responsibility seems to lay with me and I've accepted it again and again.

The way our relationship has molded me to feel is something like, "I'm screwed up in the head but here is this amazing guy who is superior than me in integrity and intellect, and he will grant me the gift of his patience and love and perhaps even redeem me if I am good."

I've been feeling like his life is in my hands. Every time I've left him before, he's been devastated and would then see the errors in his ways. Once he would reform and become his brilliant conscientious self again, it would be clear to me that I couldn't leave this special person behind to be by himself. He needs me to be happy. He's told me he would kill himself without me before.

I know I am placing his needs before mine. Part of my thinking was the idea that "everybody can win". Hit two birds with one stone. Take care of myself and the person I love that loves me too!

Now that I'm starting to face the futility of what I'm doing and the feelings inside of me that make me behave this way, I'm starting to get an idea of how helpless and powerless I've really been. It's obvious. And I'm unsure of how my boyfriend sees this in me. He's said things before that allude to an intimate understanding of my behavior. I just can't wrap my heart around the idea that he wants to take advantage of my vulnerability and spin in it in his favor more than he wants me to be happy within myself.

In my head, even though so many bad signs and red flags point to my boyfriend being an extremely manipulative person, I desperately want to hold onto the wishful fairy tale idea that says, "no, no... that couldn't happen to me. he loves me. I'm okay." I feel like the world depends on it. I can't bare to keep this to myself any more. I'm tired of living my life by avoiding the pain that I have inside of me and I want to heal my perpetually broken heart. I've been in complete denial of the spiritual necessity of honoring my emotional self.

Can somebody please help me work through this? I really want to explore this but I can't do it by myself. There's so many roadblocks in every direction.

[laciemn1]

Hello, I would really like to help you out. Do you have aim/msn?

First, though, I'd like to ask you where your friends and family are. Do you have regular contact with friends? If you do, talk to them about your problems. That's what friends are for, to help each other through stuff like that.

You definitely need to focus on simplifying things, in my opinion. Withdraw yourself from his needs, and focus on your own. Become independent in the relationship. Take up a new hobby, get out of the house more, and make sure you have a life that is seperate from your life with him.

Only after you've healed yourself emotionally can you decide what you truly want. He's obviously not there for you, so you have to become more self-reliant.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by blueberry

I've been feeling like his life is in my hands.

This looks like a good place to start, Blueberry. As long as you believe that your life is in his hands, that is true!

The good news is that you have the power to transform this situation by adopting beliefs and ways of being that work better for you. You might try on: "I am the expert on me" as a belief that would have more empowering results as opposed to: "I'm screwed up in the head and maybe this guy can redeem me."

Your power is not going to come from any source but YOU. You know that. No one, especially not this fellow, is going to provide you with power, as long as you insist on thrusting it back outside yourself. You have been training this man to behave with you as the person you believe yourself to be. Now it's time to stop that, isn't it?

In a loving, long-term mutually beneficial relationship (LLTMBR), each person takes 100% responsibility for hermself, for his/her own well-being, and for the well-being of the relationship. That doesn't sound like what is going on here -- right? If you continue with the way things are going, you will train yourself and him to believe that your well-being is dependent on him, and the more and more difficult it becomes to break the pattern.

How about breaking the pattern NOW? Can you think of a couple of actions you can take that will interrupt the habitual pattern you are in? (I can think of a couple right off the bat!) Are you willing to take bold, courageous steps to put yourself on a path that gives you joy & freedom to tread? Or would you prefer to keep on doing what you're doing forever, and one day die feeling this sense of inadequacy, pain, and dread?

[blueberry]

My old friends and family are back in the state I originally moved from.

While my family wants to help me, it was my upbringing that caused me to be this escapist and self denying person. To try and summarize it up in two sentences seems impossible, but for a stretch of years while I was going through puberty, they kept me at home, isolated, and out of school and neglected me. I was constantly treated as a problem child and denied many basic rights like being allowed to feel the way I did, have privacy, be respected, or taken seriously. I tried to commit suicide multiple times only to continue being exiled from my family's love and understanding of what was going on with me. I mention this because I haven't ever wanted to deal with it until now and I've been living my life like an escapist in denial.

When I turned 16, I broke free from their overbearing discipline and started doing drugs and partying in efforts to quell the pain I felt inside of me. This went on for a while and then I met the next best thing, my current boyfriend. I threw away my life, my friends, and my family because none of it meant anything to me and I moved to be with my boyfriend so that we could validate one another's existences.

Trying to honor my individuality and self seems dauntingly impossible right now. Until I deal with all of the pain that comes from realizing that my lifestyle has been a spiritual and emotional tragedy, I feel like I can't do anything normal. I probably need therapy and a lot of it. My relationship seems to symbolize this and even distract me from the real issues that are at play inside me.

What's even worse is that by running away from my old dysfunctional life in order to be with him is that I'm practically all alone in a small town where I don't even want to be.

as for the few friends that I do have back home.... I don't feel comfortable revealing these things to them. I'm embarrassed and ashamed because if I had it my way, nobody would ever realize that something this big could be wrong with me. I've cut so many people off as I've gone through life because of my inability to maintain healthy relationships while being in denial about myself.

I guess this thread is turning into a confession... I can't bare to lie to myself any more no matter how much it hurts. There has to be a better way.

[Joely]

If this is turning into a confessional, then that's good. I find confessionals incredibly releasing. You're no longer holding all of that pain inside you, it's out there in the open where it suddenly seems smaller than it was...

I can understand and sympathise with much of what you say. After an upbringing like that it's a struggle to feel empowered, and all you really want is somebody else to tell you you're OK.

There's nothing wrong with you. You've been through a really rough life, but there's nothing fundamentally wrong with you. I think the best thing you could ever do for yourself is to accept yourself exactly as you are, knowing that you've struggled and that as a result of what you've been through, this is how you tend to behave. That is the first step towards real change, even if it sounds like a contradiction at first.

And you're already honouring yourself by talking about it, by seeing something you want to change and taking the steps to do it. It starts with that - a teeny tiny little spark, which then has the capacity to grow. It's unstoppable.

[blueberry]

Thank you for your reply Angela,

I know rationally that I need to leave this person behind and go on to create my own life; one of healing. If having a LLTMBR is the ultimate goal, then I can admit that even if our broken spirits have all of the potential, I cannot learn what a healthy relationship is until I know what is healthy for myself by myself. If any other purpose is the ultimate goal, then I will be even further away from a healthy relationship and self. Even though I may come across as self defeating, I know deep down that my life is valuable and it's time for me to own it and do myself justice.

The thoughts and feelings I used to keep myself in denial and in this relationship still frighten me though. I think they're powerful because they've managed to keep me in the dark for so long.

I feel such a looming sense of responsibility for my boyfriend's wellbeing. I feel guilty for thoughts of leaving him if that's what it means for me to survive. I know that both his life and his happiness are his own responsibility but a huge part of me just doesn't feel that way. I feel like I'm going to set off an inevitable chain reaction if I leave him that may result in him committing suicide or giving up on his life. I can't bare to have these thoughts...

[Angela]

I didn't recommend leaving him, Blueberry, I asked you to speculate about couple of inspiring actions you could take in breaking the pattern that you are in. Leaving him would, of course be one such action, but only you can find inspired action to break your own pattern. That the first thing you think of in reply is leaving him says something about what's at the forefront of your mind, now, doesn't it?

One thing I want to point out, Blueberry: assuming responsibility for the well-being of another adult is the ULTIMATE in controlling behavior. To think that another grown-up would not survive your loss!! That's about as arrogant as it gets. Well, you can hold onto that belief if you want to, but it's not going to do your relationship any good, whether you stay or leave.

[Angela]

p.s.... consider that your fear of him suffering the loss of you is really projected fear in the mirror. Your real fear is that you would not survive the loss of him, isn't it?

[blueberry]

Originally Posted by Angela

p.s.... consider that your fear of him suffering the loss of you is really projected fear in the mirror. Your real fear is that you would not survive the loss of him, isn't it?

yes... yes. you're right about that one.

that right there is a prime example of one of the ways I avoid taking responsibility for myself by focusing my power outside into situations that I can't control.

I don't really want to let myself know if I want to leave or not. My feelings and thoughts are so entangled and intense. it's much simpler if I stop looking at it like a relationship issue, and more of a "what do I need to do for myself?" issue.

The reason I come to the conclusion that leaving is the right decision is because I know I need to come to terms with myself and the ways in which I behave in order to live in a way I can respect myself for.

and I know it's not going to be easy, having already taken little glimpses into my pandoras box. I'm going to need every bit of support that I can get from sources that I know I can trust.

...and I don't think I can find that here.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by blueberry

I'm going to need every bit of support that I can get from sources that I know I can trust.

...and I don't think I can find that here.

"Here" with me? or here in these forums, or here in his relationship, or here in this world, or here in the mind you're in?

Maybe you were looking for comfort. There are plenty of people here (in these forums) who will give you that, don't worry. But trying to be comfortable is what has you feeling stuck. Discomfort in your situation is a real gift! Discomfort is a great impetus to take inspired action.

You posted here, asking for help in working this through. "Through" is the operative word -- the way to the other side is through. If you hadn't been ready, I don't think you would have started this thread -- it shows that you are summoning the boldness and the courage to go through your life with responsibility and extraordinary willingness.

Trust seems to be most inspiring possibility here for you: here with me, here on these forums, here in this world, here in your own mind, for yourself. Trust, baby. It's worth generating!

[blueberry]

Oh, Angela, after I worded that I almost went back and edited my post but I concluded that I wouldn't be taken to mean "here" as in, on these forums.

I've posted here very little and lurked VERY much. Enough to see that this is a safe place with people who are compassionate and understanding... and also bold enough to help people in distress see the hand they have in creating their own problems.

I feel that I can be very open here without feeling ashamed of my personal problems.... not to mention that it's anonymous.

What I really meant by "here" was the life situation I've created for myself. I'm a big city girl living in a small and desolate farm town right now and the only person I intimately know here is at odds with me.

I really want to get everything inside my head out into the open where I can look at it and have other people offer me their perspectives without being judged or condemned.

I think because of the extreme lopsided turbulence that me and my boyfriend have experienced, we have fallen into a habitual defense pattern with each other and we can't see eye to eye on what is going on inside of myself.

Before I started to realize that I had to stop running away from the problems and feelings I carried inside of me, our relationship with each other would get extremely judgmental and toxic.

I would view my boyfriend as being manipulative, cold, and impatient about the struggle going on in my heart and I would feel very alone. I really just want somebody to see me and acknowledge the pain I've been in so I can stop being ashamed of having it and heal. I want to have a safe place where I can express this.

Lately as I've tried to share with him though, he doesn't think I have to do any of this soul searching in order to get on with my life and he doesn't want to take my emotional baggage seriously. When I try to talk to him about it, he gets competitive with me as if facing my feelings and my past were just one more symptom of not facing my feelings and my past. He said that he thought I was "empowering" these things by paying attention to them while I feel that I'm empowering them when I'm pretending that they don't exist and behaving unconsciously.

I want to overcome my inability to trust and be intimate and be honest about the ways that I feel. With all of our turbulent relationship history, if we were going to stay together and work together, I need to heal from the ways I feel about him and how I think he sees me.

So from where I'm standing, it's one big mess. In a way, I feel selfish by focusing on myself like this but I think it would be more selfish not to at the expense of my life and it's impact on others.

[blueberry]

Originally Posted by Angela

"Here" with me? or here in these forums, or here in his relationship, or here in this world, or here in the mind you're in?

Maybe you were looking for comfort. There are plenty of people here (in these forums) who will give you that, don't worry. But trying to be comfortable is what has you feeling stuck. Discomfort in your situation is a real gift! Discomfort is a great impetus to take inspired action.

You posted here, asking for help in working this through. "Through" is the operative word -- the way to the other side is through. If you hadn't been ready, I don't think you would have started this thread -- it shows that you are summoning the boldness and the courage to go through your life with responsibility and extraordinary willingness.

Trust seems to be most inspiring possibility here for you: here with me, here on these forums, here in this world, here in your own mind, for yourself. Trust, baby. It's worth generating!

I agree that I've been looking for peace and comfort over real solutions for a loooong time now too.

I read a quote (posted on this forum I think) that went along the lines of...

"people tend not tochange until the pain of change is less than the pain of staying the same"

wherever that came from, that described my situation very well. I refused to face myself and change for the longest time because deep down I believed the pain I was experiencing from my denial was nothing compared to how painful it would be to face the truth. I'm amazed by how unconscious that decision was and I've only begun waking up by realizing that as I keep myself in a dimmed state of resistance, I am denying everything that I and my life could be. I'm saddened by how long it took to me to come to this point but I know that it is genuine just by the energy and power I've suddenly been graced with in being able to communicate myself.

before I came to the decision to grow and learn from this, I was in a state of deep depression and trying desperately to hide it from the world and myself. I couldn't even carry on a real conversation and everything I did, all the choices that I "made" were pretend.

[Angela]

Blueberry, I found a great guided meditation online the other day -- maybe it would give you something. It's at Paul McKenna NLP Weight Loss Training Courses - Paul Mckenna, and there's a red button that says Trance Download. It takes a bit to download, and the meditation is 28 minutes long. Give it a listen -- it may be a nice little nudge in the direction you want to go.