Dealing with the death of my brother...how?!

[Lynae]

Four months ago, a seemingly normal day turned out to be the worst day of my life. I got the news that my baby brother had just been found dead in his house. He was 19...I'm 31. But he was my best friend. I kept screaming over and over again, "No, no no, not Randy! Anyone but Randy!" It was surreal...almost like a scene out of a movie. To say that this has been a difficult thing to handle would be an understatement. It was ruled as a suicide, but those of us that know him believe that it wasn't intentional. He took way too many drugs to get away from his pain, but he never would have wanted to escape life like that. He'd never want to hurt people like this. I flew out to Michigan (I live in Washington now...he was supposed to be moving out here with me a week ago) for the funeral, stayed 2 days, and came home to go about my life. I have kids & responsibilities. It had to be "life as usual" or my family would suffer. I guess I went through a lot of denial at the funeral. It took me HOURS before I could even set foot inside the funeral home. I stood outside in the cold and chain smoked.

So 2 days later, I was back at work, trying to pretend like I was ok. Everyone kept telling me how strong I was and how proud they were of me. I honestly wanted to smack them all. I wanted to say, "Are you kidding me? Don't you see that life as I've always known it is over? My best friend is gone! DEAD! I AM NOT OK!!!!" Of course I just put my brave face on and smiled at them, thanking them for their sympathies and encouragement. As if that wasn't enough stress in my life, 3 weeks after Randy died, my boyfriend of 12 years (the father of my children) had a heart attack. He's only 38 years old. So here I am again, putting on the brave face for him...for my children, yet falling apart inside. He had angioplasty done and it went well...until I went to see him in recovery. Apparently he had started bleeding internally and his blood pressure dropped while I was standing right there to 38/26. I watched him almost die right in front of me. So in he went again for a 2nd surgery to stop the bleeding and spent 3 days in ICU before being released back home.

All I wanted through all of that was to be able to call my brother and talk to him...but of course I couldn't. He was gone. He was the person I'd always turned to when things went bad. Since all of this happened, I've had no choice but to be the responsible adult and take care of my family, now also playing "nurse" to my boyfriend. He's back to work, but still has occasional chest tightness because he still has 2 more clogged arteries that need to be taken care of. So I put on the brave face and do what I have to do.

Unfortunately, through all this, I turned to drinking for a while to mask my pain. One night of driving home drunk and realizing in the morning the possible consequences of that stopped it immediately, but now I'm left to deal with all of this and I don't know how. I'm such an emotional person, but I'm not very good at opening up to people because I grew up abused and was told that crying is a sign of weakness. Knowing this isn't true, it still doesn't make sharing my feelings any easier. It's what I've been conditioned to do my entire life. I've gone through so many stages of grief over and over again. I'm not really stuck on one particular thing. I just keep repeating them. I've gone through shock, disbelief, guilt, anger toward my brother, anger toward other people, depression, thought a few times that I was coming to some sort of acceptance with it, then started repeating it all over again. It's like a vicious cycle that I'm stuck in. In talking to a friend who lost a brother in high school, I said that I wished I knew when there would be some sort of normalcy back in my life. She told me that eventually things would go back to normal...it would just be a different kind of normal. What she said made sense, though I don't like the sound of it. I want NORMAL back, which I know will never happen.

I have my good days, as well as my bad ones. Sometimes I can talk about him and feel happy and wrapped up in memories. Sometimes I get so angry that he's gone. And sometimes the smallest things can make me unbearably depressed. I really haven't been able to find a good outlet for any of this. I'm a writer, yet I've only just begun journaling about it and even when I do it's very difficult. It's like my heart isn't ready to let all of this out yet. I'm searching right now for something, ANYTHING that will help me deal with this in a healthy way.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I'm open to any suggestions because right now I just feel so....LOST.

[SonoranBob]

Originally Posted by Lynae

I've gone through so many stages of grief over and over again. I'm not really stuck on one particular thing. I just keep repeating them. I've gone through shock, disbelief, guilt, anger toward my brother, anger toward other people, depression, thought a few times that I was coming to some sort of acceptance with it, then started repeating it all over again. It's like a vicious cycle that I'm stuck in. In talking to a friend who lost a brother in high school, I said that I wished I knew when there would be some sort of normalcy back in my life. She told me that eventually things would go back to normal...it would just be a different kind of normal. What she said made sense, though I don't like the sound of it. I want NORMAL back, which I know will never happen.

I lost my wife a little less than 8 months ago and have learned more about the grief process than I care to know about. What you are describing is perfectly normal. The spiral or cycles of the feelings you are describing is textbook.

What thanatologists (counselors with special training in grief) will tell you is that your mind will take something huge like this, and, unable to accept it all at once, will feed it to you in smaller chunks over time. So you will feel like you're getting someplace one day, then you will go all to pieces the next. It's NORMAL.

They will also tell you that the grief response is VERY individual and there is no set amount of time, no particular response ... your grief is your grief and no one else's.

It is common to have friends berate someone deep in grief for not "moving on" and then again if the griever is not particularly demonstrative (like a lot of guys can be) they will be berated for being "cold and unfeeling". Indeed, there is an initial phase of numbness right after the loss that is often mistaken for not caring. The take-away here is that you can't take everyone's well meaning (and sometimes clueless) advice or their sometimes bizarre and fearful responses such as avoiding you or avoiding the topic of your brother, very seriously. People by and large don't know in our culture how to deal with death.

So ... initially, numbness ... then (typically after a month or so) deep mourning, in a sort of spiral ... better / worse / better / worse -- eventually it slows down and you begin to rebuild your life.

What your friend says is wise and accurate. You will get back to normal, but it will be a "new normal". It might take months or even a couple of years, but it will happen. I seem to be getting to a decent "new normal" in the past month or two; when I was evaluated in late Feb I was told that I was at a place a lot of people in my situation can take a couple of years to get to, largely because my wife's death was both expected and a merciful relief -- she sufferred terribly for years. And we had plenty of time to say our goodbyes and to grieve together. You haven't had that opportunity -- it was totally out of left field. So give yourself time. Be patient with yourself. This isn't going to go away overnight.

One of the most helpful things, especially early on, is that you need to talk, talk, talk, about what happened, about your feelings, etc. To the inexperienced listener it seems obsessive, and may also disturb their own equilibrium if they cared about the deceased person also. If you need a place to rant, rave, and vent, or just a place to lurk and see that you are not alone, go here:

Grief Healing Discussion Groups

I am sorry for your loss and wish you the best.

--Bob

[mezameo]

Hi Lynn,

About 10 years ago I lost my father. He was shot in an organized robbery. 7 months later my cousin was dead of a heroin overdose. 2 months after that my dear grandfather was gone.

I thought that my life had lost all meaning, that I would eventually just not wake up one morning and not be alive. I was afraid to die, but the meaning of life had escaped me completely.

The one thing that kept me trudging on and on, besides inertia, was my belief that one day, somehow, this would make sense to me in the future.

10 years later I can say that I lost these people in body but their spirits didn't just affect me, they really are a part of me. Our reliance on the physical aspect of spirits in our lives can be a huge crutch to help us feel whole. In fact it is an illusion. You have all your memories and your values are made up of all the spirits that touched you, for better or worse. Carry them with you and when you have to step back and make a tough decision, let them guide you towards the path that makes your life best.

I know, the pain you feel right now is unbearable. How can it not be, you are having to face the only thing we can't understand until it happens to us. Don't let it tear you apart but don't ignore it. Let it out with your family or find a counselor you can trust and just grieve. Consider it a car wash for your soul and water the gunk out of your heart. You'll feel 100 times better if you do.

I wish you grace and strength.

Marc

[uberinquisitive]

Jan. 2007, my fiance committed suicide in a hotel room. This was hours after I left him.

This Suicide Grief messageboard helped me tremendously in the initial months.

If you would like, I can send you 2 books about surviving a loved one's suicide. If you'd like, I can mail them to you (you can PM me your address). These books helped me not feel so alone.

You may want to also check out any local survivor groups. A lot of my healing happened when I became friends with another survivor. He and I spent a lot of time commiserating with each other, and supporting each other's path to healing.

[norbert]

Dear Lynae,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can relate to your pain so much. I lost my best friend a year ago. He was 20 (me 23) and we were like brothers. I'm a single child, lost my family early and my childhood dream also to have a brother. Then I met this guy 9 years ago who quickly became my very best friend and.. my brother. We did everything together every single day until last January when he died, in a car accident with his sisters friends. The only reason he was there is because somebody cancelled the trip so they invited him instead. It was only him who died.

The only words that came out of my mouth when his mother called me to tell the news were "but.. my whole life.." and that's exactly what he meant to me. It was such a perfect friendship I can't imagine with anybody else. We planned to spend the next 40 years together: move next door, start families there, make music together, build businesses, travel the world related to the music and business etc. It was all possible and there was nothing that could stop us... except death which we never considered... And I didn't mention yet the fun we had together, the daily hugs (which I miss the most), being proud of each other and feeling that sense of connectedness that you're one of those lucky people who can truly say and believe that they're not alone on this planet.

A year went by but nothing's really changed. I'm doing my thing, I'm working on our goals etc but it feels so alone, the world seems empty and life meaningless. What are you supposed to do when you're left in a world without your loved ones? That's what I'm trying to deal with every single day since then. He's on my mind every evening and morning, also several times during the day. I'm making new friendships but they don't last too long because I usually loose interest in the other person.

I wanted to tell you that I totally feel how you described. I'm not OK either, all I want is to talk to him or see him. I feel angry and sad on a daily basis, this just can't be true. When I'm awake it feels like a nightmare, when I sleep I have nightmares So it's not easy. Just like you said, "I want normal back". I don't want this "new" reality. I'm ready to give up on anything but him. He's the last thing I'd give up on the planet yet he's whom I lost. Unbelievable.

Some people say it's gonna be "better" over time. I don't know. Others say I should learn from it. One thing's for sure: my perspective has changed tremendously. I'm not so attached to this life anymore as I used to.

As for suggestions: Take one day at a time. Feel what you feel and don't care about what others think.

Let me quote Shamou:

if I were you, I would decide to live my life as a tribute to your friend… I would do the things that he would want me to do… I would try to find happiness the way he would want me too… and, I would try to live the life that he would have lived if had been given the chance to do it… His memory will live forever with you… and with that… you will never be alone…

If you have time, here's my thread where people on these forums have helped me a lot.